I must have patience. Patience that I can bear the next few weeks until I graduate High School. Patience that I can survive I.G.A. for the next couple months before I go to college. Patience that life will work out, that I will be able to get a job after college, raise a family, grow old and happy. Patience that a girl will find my miniscule chub to be nothing short of excellence. Patience that my acne will clear up from the mounds of pills and cremes the doctors have been shoving down my throat for two months now.Patience that, in short, the little details about life will get better.

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed." - Habakkuk 2:3, New Living Translation

Spring Break 2005 has dawned. I thought it would never get here; of course, then I thought our Spring Break would be in the middle of April, so this is a pleasantly sweet surprise. Unlike most of my friends, my family isn't doing anything special. Except today: we went to Ohio Caverns, Salvation Army, and ate out at Applebee's. I am working a lot at I.G.A. because all but three of the baggers are in Florida or Michigan, but I don't mind: it gives me something to do other than sit around here, getting bored, wasting my life. On the plus side, I have had lots of time to read (The Divine Conspiracy, Dallas Willard) and watch movies (if I listed all the movies I've watched, it'd give you a migraine and a half). I've also been doing a lot of listening to music. And how nice is the weather!!! It neared eighty today! That's incredible! Winter is so old. I just want the flowers to return, the trees to burst forth their brilliant green leaves, and the earth cry out a sea of emerald under an azure sky. Wow, that's kind of poetic. Boy, here I am again, rambling like a fool. Is there anything important to say... hmmm... no, not really. And you suddenly realize how much you waste your life reading this blog. Nawag hah hah.

Writer's block. Actually, I'm lying. My mind is a chaotic cesspool of infernal ideas just waiting to be thrown onto paper, waiting to materialize into a literary piece of art. So many ideas I can't handle it. The problem is, I don't want to indulge any of those ideas. Starseed and 36 Hours were great, but so cliche. I want to write something that touches on the deepest wells of human emotions, something that stirs up the heart as only a few works of art have ever done. I want to write something epic, something that has not been seen before, something beyond belief and so radically life-changing. I'm almost done with high school, I'm going to college, I'll be living my career, and 100 years from now, I will be dead. I feel like I'm just wasting my writing time by putting the pen to unoriginal ideas that, while interesting, are forgotten with the wind's passing breath.

I'm inspired by the beautiful works of Edgar Allen Poe, H.P. Lovecraft, J.R.R. Tolkien, the classical Greek and Roman authors whose tales of Troy and Ceasar have inspired countless acts of bravery, innumerable lives of romance, and laid the groundwork of the warrior poet. I so strongly desire to write something that will touch base in everyone's heart; that, somehow, in some way, will carry my name down through the ages. Something that will find my name on the shelves next to Homer and Thoreau. So I have writer's block. I have the desire, but no idea how to pursue it. And time is slipping through my fingers like sand in a sieve.

Our earth is 8,000 miles wide. The distance from the sun to the earth alone is 93 million miles. The distance from the sun to pluto (the distance of the solar system!) is three billion and six hundred sixty-six million miles. Our sun is one of thousands upon thousands of stars in one arm of a swirling galaxy. Our galaxy is one in billions upon billions of galaxies in the observable universe. We can only observe 28 billion light-years away, and so what is beyond that border, we've no idea. Our observable universe could be an infinitely small fraction of the real universe. It's just mind-boggling how big it all is.

K2: March '05

During K2, Jeff threw an 'open mic' at us where we could stand up, say something on our hearts, and express ourselves as worship. Jeff looked over at me and said, "Anth, what's on your heart?" It was ironic he said something because a moment before I told God I would say something if Jeff played the song, Make a Joyful Noise/I Will Not Be Silent by D.C.B. So he called me out, I stood, walked up to the mic, stumbled through words, and said something to the extent of this:

In the Shawshank Redemption, it's said that the Pacific Ocean has no memories. David Crowder writes in one of his songs, "Running through the forest, dive into the lake, bare feet on beaches white; standing in the canyon, painted hills around, the wind against my skin..." I used to think those were just pretty words for a pretty song, but I came to realize that they're something so much more than that. David Crowder is painting a picture, an image of heaven, an image of paradise. When I am beaten and bloodied and bludgeoned by all the crap the world throws at me, when I am hit with depression, I keep these lines at the forefront of my mind, so I do not forget. So I don't forget that one day I really will stand bare feet on beaches white and wind against my skin, looking out at a beautiful and untainted ocean, where the memories of all the bad crap in this life is gone.

The background image on my desktop is of palm trees overhanging a beach as the sun sets in the distance. These pictures always fill me with peace, and it makes me smile to think that one day, when all is said and done, I will lean against a palm tree, close my eyes, feel the sand between my toes, the warm breeze tingling my cheeks, and let the scent of the salty ocean and the laughter of the gulls sweep over me; and I will not worry about school, or work, or paying gas and insurance. I will kneel down, let the sand run through my fingers, and joining my friends, we will run into that surf, laughing with no worries. That day we will swim with dolphins.

And God shall smile over it all.

What good does it do you to be able to give a learned discourse on the Trinity, while you are without humility and, thus, are displeasing to the Trinity? Esoteric words neither make us holy nor righteous... I would rather experience repentance in my soul than know how to define it.

If you knew the entire Bible inside out and all the maxims of the philosophers, what good would it do you if you were, at the same time, without God's love and grace? This is the most worthless! Everything is worthless, except our loving God and serving only Him. This is the highest wisdom: to despise the world and seek the Kingdom of Heaven.

It is worthless to seek riches that are sure to perish and to put your hope in them. It is worthless to pursue honors and to set yourself up on a pedestal. It is worthless to follow the desires of the flesh and to crave the things that will eventually bring you heavy punishment. It is worthless to wish for a long life and to care little about living a good life. It is worthless to give thought only to this present life and not to think of the one that is to come. It is worthless to love what is transiftory and not to hasten to where everlasting joy abides.

Keep this proverb often in your mind: The eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear filled with hearing. Therefore withdraw your heart from the love of things visible and turn yourself to things invisible.

** Thomas a' Kempis

Yesterday was not a very good day. My body fell apart, laden with sores in places I didn't even know existed, and since I have to wake at 5:30 every morning for school (7:30 was so nice last week...) I was pretty much just comatose. I usually meet up with Lee in the hallways before lunch, and yesterday I walked - well, stumbled - right past him and he thought it was a joke, but really, I was just kind of going through the motions. It was my sister's birthday though (sweet 16! yay!) so we ate at Marion's, but I got a tuna sub because it is healthier.

If it is any consolation, today has been much better. School was really easy, and I was able to finish all my homework and even get several chapters done in Gods & Generals, the first book in a Civil War trilogy I am reading. Lee, Pat, Chris and I got coffee at Borders, but I didn't buy coffee, because I think it's a waste of money. We also went to Barnes and Nobles and Best Buy, but I didn't see anything nice. Actually, that's a lie. I am considering buying a fantasy series called Darkness, by Harry Turtledove. It looks really cool, and I am simply considering it. I do have the money, with birthday cash and all, so it is looking good in several ways. Haha. I am convincing myself to buy it on my own blog. Tyler, Dylan and I went to Borders Sunday, and I bought two movies from birthday money: the Civil War movies Gods & Generals and Gettysburg. They're really good. I also used up my 1/2 Price gift card on two books: the Schindler's List novel (a favorite movie) and The Red Badge of Courage by Stephen Crane; I read some of his work last year and did enjoy it. Needless to say, I do enjoy reading.

I must say, I am extremely pleased with how well small group went tonight. No one messed around (in a bad way), and while there was constant laughter, we all took it seriously, thinking on the subjects, trying to weave it into our lives, and even the Bible's pages were ravenously eaten tonight. The scriptures are so beautiful in every dimension; I can't wait to study those words at C.C.U. Sometimes I think we have lost the fascination, the beauty, the sheer awesomeness of the scriptures - lost them in the mundane Bible studies, Bible dictionaries, spiritual self-help books. I am not a big fan of spiritual self-help books (but I do like books by Willard and Eldredge and Foster, and ancient Christian texts).