on the road again

Amanda informed me that "Those who simply write out their goals achieve far more than those who don't." That's pretty telling. My ultimate goal in life, like everyone, is to find happiness, or at least some measure of it. Maybe "happiness" isn't the write word: the Greek philosophers wrote that men didn't pursue happiness but eudaimonia, a fully-flourishing human life. That's what I'm after, and already I'm itching to go on and on about eudaimonia, something I studied a lot in my college days, but I'm forcing myself not to: that's not what this post is about. It's about what I want out of life--namely, the sort of person I want to be--and how I can move towards that, knowing full-well that nothing's guaranteed, but movement is always better than stagnation (even if this movement just serves to send us "cirsumvrenting" the pond). 

My ultimate desire, that which I want the most, is a family. I could quite easily get on Craigslist and find someone who would marry me and have my kids (sadly enough), but again: I'm after more than that. With that being the ultimate goal, what're some steps I can take to move in that direction? Here are a few I've pulled together over countless cups of coffee at The Anchor:

Quit Smoking. I've pretty much gotten this one down, it's more-so a matter of cutting that final chord, throwing off that final afternoon black-&-mild or late-night cigarette courtesy of C. Isaac. It isn't just that smoking smells bad and is disgusting to those who don't smoke, obviously slashing my chances with the majority of single women in the area; really, I don't want to get cancer, or heart disease, and die by the foolishness of my own hand. Worse, I can't imagine widowing my wife, and leaving my children fatherless. I know quite well that could happen, but I don't want to think that what takes me is something I could've totally prevented but, in my own self-indulgence, refused to prevent. At the end of the day, it's about my health, and it goes further than a fag in the mouth. I want to be healthy and have a healthy family, and though I generally do eat well (except for recently, but that's per doctor's orders), this is still a hang-up that needs to be addressed and extinguished completely.

Get my Master's. I don't know where I'll be working or what I'll be doing come another ten years. Maybe it'll be ministry, but most likely it'll be something entirely different. Hopefully not coffee, where the only way to live off it is to be in the upper echelon of the coffee empire. I've written about getting my Master's  a few times, and I've talked a lot about it with my Dad. He likes the idea and had a lot of good pointers. Right now it looks as if I'll be going back to school sometime this coming spring, and I'll be doing so either (a) online or (b) through a satellite campus, depending on which program and school I go through. The degree? The plan is for Business & Marketing; it's not that these things excite me (how could they?) but such degrees open doors, and I'd like to nab a financially stable and secure job where I can provide for myself and my future family without constantly worrying if I've got the finances to do it. As much as it's tempting to get my Master's in something that interests me, a library card serves just as well, isn't as expensive, and a business degree can actually do something for you. I've got a Bachelor's degree, and though it may be in the liberal arts, it's still a degree, and though it may be useless in the field where I am now, the reality is that it can be a stepping-stone, and that's precisely how I plan on using it. I won't let $88,000 of other peoples' money go to waste.

Meet People! I don't really meet a whole lot of people in my current station in life, and that's due to two things: (a) I'm not really involved in any clubs or organizations or social spheres outside work, and (b) I'm more than content to putz around with those people already in my life and call it a day. The friends I have now are wonderful and cherished; I'm not a lonely person. I laugh every day and always have something to write home about. But I still have considerable difficulty meeting girls, and I'm thinking the best route to do this is to get involved in church again. Is this a bad reason to go to church? Maybe, maybe not. But I've been wanting to get back in church for a while now, for a variety of reasons, and start going somewhere consistently, rather than spotty attendance at U.C.C. and accompanying my parents to Southwest every once in a blue moon. There's plethora reasons for me wanting to get back into church, and this is just one of them, and certainly not topping the list. It's difficult meeting people, and maybe--God willing--I'll meet one in church? As much as I don't like going to church alone, I could always try and find a buddy; and if no buddy is to be found, then I'll just have to stomach the nerve and do it. Damn these INFP characteristics!

Pursue Maturity. If we gain everything we want but turn into embittered, miserable creatures at the end of it, then what's the point? The most important aspect of all this is continual growth, continual development, a continual evolution (rather than devolution) of my character. I'd like to think I'm a decent guy, that I've got a good head on my shoulders (albeit crazy at times), and that I generally treat others better than I treat myself. But, then again, we all like to think that. Getting healthy, getting a better job, getting back in church, meeting someone... These are all great things, great steps to be taken, but if these steps are taken at the expense of my soul, then I've gratuitously fucked up. I want wisdom in my thoughts, love in my actions, and compassion in my manner. These things are far more important than life's various trimmings.

I may never meet someone like the Wisconsinite, but the fact that she exists and opened my heart and eyes like she did makes me think that if there's only one in this world, it's a pretty sick joke. I would've put in my 2 weeks notice and moved up there in a heartbeat to be with her, and I wonder if I'll ever find that again? As much as I may make out my "wanderings" in the Girl Arena to be a lost cause, I know that's not the case. I'm a decently attractive guy, more-so than most, and girls are attracted to me. I've dated a number of girls, girls who genuinely wanted to be with me and were drawn to me, but I think I'm just too damned picky. Surveying the history of my relationships (or attempts at them), I notice two things: (a) I end things quickly with girls when I'm unsure of my feelings towards them, and (b) those whom I genuinely want to be with do the same with me. It's an unfortunate reality of things, but I'm confident the cycle will, in time, be broken. I've either got to lower my standards or keep leaving a wide wake of bloodied hearts in my path. The truth is that it's hard to stick with someone when they don't make you come alive, don't make you feel that newness of life, don't make you find yourself again. Nevertheless, I'm still hoping, and I'm still striving, and I'll keep going.