et reditus

This June it’ll be three years since I shut down my long-running blog Darker Than Silence. The decision to ‘pull the plug’ was couched in terms of ‘cutting all cords’ in the wake of a bad breakup, but really it was to protect my sanity. That’s a reflection purely on me: I didn’t handle the breakup well, and my anger got the best of me. Anger soaked in grief is the worst kind of pain, and my inability to practice self-control is something for which I’m ashamed. Shame, I’ve found, is good, because it forces you to take a hard, knowing look at yourself; shame is what happens when we ‘know ourselves’, and it spurns you towards a brokenness that brings you to your knees and opens you up to the help you so desperately need. One of my greatest regrets is how I handled that breakup; I didn’t do well by her, and I know I wounded her heart with my farcical and grief-skewed words.  I’ve prayed deeply that any wounds she incurred on my behalf would be healed and that she sees herself as I always saw her, even if I pretended otherwise: as a wonderful daughter of the king.

I have no ill will towards her; I know that marrying her wasn’t God’s will for me. He had something else for me, something more fitting for me (not ‘something better’ but ‘something more suited towards me in particular’, an important distinction). She and I wouldn’t have been a good fit. We loved each other, to be sure, but we weren’t compatible. We were polar opposites in so many ways, and though they say opposites attract, they don’t say that opposites flourish. God was looking out not only for me but also for her; she would be happier with someone else, and that’s okay. As it stands, I’ve fully moved into what God has for me and am more happy and content than ever before. I’m in awe at the grace and favor God has shown me, excited for the life He’s planned for me—a life full of love and friendship and hard work.

The past two years have seen a lot of changes, not only on the outside but also in the inside. God has been busy, and at times I’ve felt like I’m just trying to keep up. God brought me the love of my life, and He began writing a story that’s definitely one for the annals. Ashley and I became friends at C.C.U. in 2005, and though I had a crush on her, I was too shy and quiet to do anything about it. Besides, she was a cheerleader and I was just this quirky, nerdy short guy with weird-looking hair. I spent my free time scurrying up the steps from the men’s dorm to the Hilltop Coffee Shop and scaring girls from the sewers, so what would a cute and spunky cheerleader want to do with me? She ended up dating and marrying my dorm room neighbor, and they had two girls together. Flash forward nearly a decade, and she and I reconnect at an Irish pub and it turns out her ex-husband was a dick and abandoned her and their two little girls. She and I continued hanging out, and I fell in love with her and her girls (Chloe and Zoey), and on 4 November 2016 we were married in a beautiful ceremony in my parents’ backyard:

Overnight we became Husband and Wife, and the next morning I was stepdad to Chloe and Zoey. But I wanted to be more than that, so we found a lawyer and started the adoption process. We knew it would be a fight: Ashley’s ex-in-laws and ex-husband were taking her to court again and again to get more privileges with the girls. Ashley had reasons for fighting them, and we knew that once the adoption went through, the girls would be entirely mine and all the exes would be legal strangers, and we also knew that this would be anathema to the in-laws. It would overthrow all they had achieved. We geared up for a brutal fight that we feared could turn violent, and we held our breaths and prayed hard. Lots of people who knew the situation prayed along with us; our church coated us in prayer, and we steeled ourselves as the adoption papers were served. Then something remarkable happened: the exes, who for years had dragged Ashley through the courts and who had fought tooth-and-nail for the girls, just turned their backs and walked away. They just gave up and washed their hands of us. There isn’t a doubt in anyone’s mind that this was a work of God: He answered our prayers by declaring that there would be no fight, and it was so. The judge sped up the adoption process (something which our lawyer said was unheard-of), the home inspector just had a nice conversation with us and declared me fit to be a father without even looking around the house (this, our lawyer said, was even more unheard of), and on 19 September 2017 I became the legal father of Chloe and Zoey (I delight to remember that I held Chloe as a newborn in the hospital, ignorant to all the threads God was weaving together for me to become her father). The girls’ birth certificates were changed, and they became Chloe and Zoey Barnhart. They became mine.

Sometimes I still lie awake in bed shocked at all that God has done for me. In the spring of 2006 God spoke to me in an audible yet silent voice (it’s hard to describe), and He told me, “I have given you these desires [to be a good husband and good father], and I have given you these desires for a reason. There is a girl, one of My children, who is hurting and aching. She desires true love and fears she will never find it in this world of twisted and abusive love. I have chosen you to be Me to her—to love her with a selfless, serving, and sacrificial love. I have a beautiful plan for you and for her.” For a decade I wondered how that would play out, and when God’s plan came together, all the pieces fell into place. Everything made sense. God was talking about Ashley when He spoke to me in 2006. His hand has been vibrantly evident in our lives, and He’s swept aside hurdle after hurdle to bring us to where He wants us to be. It hasn’t been easy (things are most often hard when God is at work), but it’s been life-giving, liberating, and something which I would never give up for anything this world has to offer. Many tears were spilled praying through the first verses of Psalm 40 in a desperate longing for God to answer my prayers for a heart made alive, and now I pray them in praise and wonder at the way God has been at work in my life:

I waited patiently for the Lord, and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me also out of the horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon the rock, and ordered my goings. And he hath put in my mouth a new song of praise unto our God; many shall see it and fear, and shall trust in the Lord.  (Psalm 40.1-3, 1599 Geneva Bible)

When I exclaim, ‘Look what God hath wrought,’ my meditations aren’t solely on the macro-movements; they’re in the micro ones, as well. When I look back on who I was four years ago, I’m stunned by the difference. It's truly Night and Day. Though my quirks remain the same (and I’m still a voracious reader and writer), I’m far more responsible and wise in my decisions. I’m more patient, more self-controlled, and more mature. God has led me into a life of Husbandry and Fatherhood, and it’s a life of sacrifice and self-expenditure. Time, money, energy, everything is directed towards the family God has put under your care. Husbandry and fatherhood is a pouring out of your deepest self. It’s exhausting, trying, and fulfilling. I’ve become more religiously conservative (having girls plays a part in this, no doubt), and I’ve shunned practices and habits that were ingrained into my life. This marriage and family thing is wonderful, and it’s a daily learning experience (I’m far from perfect, and I often fail). Being a husband and a father is damned hard, because if you’re doing it right then you’re committing your life to loving and leading your family, carrying the financial burden and providing for the family’s needs (and God has been faithful, always providing us what we need).

This blog will be different than Darker Than Silence. Though I’ve kept up my Weekly Updates, the day-by-day journal of my life, I’m keeping them on a private sister site. Making them public when I was single was one thing, but doing it when you’re the head of a family of four (and, God willing, soon to be more) is a different beast altogether. This blog will mainly consist of the trivial matters of my life (with big updates when necessary), and such ‘trivial matters’ include any leisurely studies (such as my study of medieval England last year), random posts of Star Wars or dinosaur pictures (what can I say? I’m a fan), or excerpts from my writing (when I find the time to hone my craft). Somewhere along the way, I hope, you may find yourself entertained.