life is a highway

“Don’t stare at the clouds. Get on with your life.”

- Ecclesiastes 11.4

I sat out on the back porch this morning, before the heat wave became too intense, and read through the book of Ecclesiastes. It is a wonderful book, what I believe to be King Solomon’s address to the Israelite multitudes sometime before his death. “Don’t stare at the clouds. Get on with your life.” I mulled over these words and wave after wave of thoughts came upon me.

My relationship with Courtney is over. We had fun. We had a great time. We liked one another, and through the relationship, we discovered things about ourselves that we had not yet seen before. Through the relationship, we discovered changes we needed to make in our lives, not just for the health of the relationship but for our overall individual health as well. I believe that God brought Courtney and me together. Through her, what had become a stagnant apathy towards God crumbled into a vibrant new passion for following Him; through her, God worked a lot on me, showing me my weaknesses and vulnerabilities, as well as giving me incentive and clarity for making changes I needed to make. While the relationship is over, the changes that took place in my life—and in her as well—are not reversed. I became more mature and responsible, and I believe that I’m where I need to be, at least in some aspects, for my next relationship. I have overcome addictions in my life that affected all of my previous relationships in negative ways.

It is sad, though, that Courtney and I are over. But after countless conversations with friends (not excluding Courtney), many prayers, and hours of contemplation, I have come to the firm belief that Courtney and I are not meant to be “forever.” Hindsight is always 20/20, and looking back at the relationship, I see different reasons why we would not have worked out. This has nothing to do with her not being good enough for me or me not being good enough for her; please don’t take what I’m saying the wrong way. I’m not going to get into a detailed exegesis of my relationship with Courtney and while it would not have worked out; such things do not need to be broadcasted over the worldwide web. Just be content with me saying that I now understand that friendship is a beautiful and wonderful thing to have with her, and I’m expecting that it will be better than being romantically involved. And while there are times that thinking of our time together does bring sadness, I realize that it is just a foretaste of what my relationship with my hopeful-“one” will be like.

So as I sit here writing on my laptop, I am faced with two options. Either I can continually think back to being with Courtney and all the joy we shared, and just pit myself in those memories despite knowing that things have happened for the best, or I can let logic and common sense guide me. I can sit on the back porch and stare at the clouds, wishing things were different, or I can get on with my life. I’ve decided, recently (not just now) to do the latter. I still have demons to wrestle with and things I regret, but I know that I will always have demons and regrets. Such is the life of a human being with a decently-good conscience. I hope Courtney and I can keep the friendship alive; I hope I won’t let my run-of-the-mill emotions get the best of me. I hope that we can go grab dinner once more at the Anchor Mill and talk about life and theology just like we used to. Those were moments I shall always cherish.

“Life is a Highway,” as Rascal Flatts tells it. That song used to mean something different to me, but now it comes under a new light. Life is a Highway, with exits and off-ramps and dead-ends, sure; but it also has new scenery, new beginnings, and if you’re lucky, it’ll take you all the way to vacation in the tropics. I guess that’s what I’m looking for. It’s what we’re all looking for.