It’s sad but true: I was unable to give to Courtney what she needed in a relationship. Why? I believe herein lies the answer: I was immature and irresponsible (and I thank God that my activities this summer have transformed me). I was unable to give Courtney what she needed, but it had nothing to do with my care for and affection towards her. In hindsight, I would change many things about my relationship with Courtney (you can learn all you can about relationships from self-help books, but nothing beats actual life experiences). One thing I would change is showing my care, compassion, and affection more. The relationship is done and over; but I have learned from it. I made mistakes, and forgiving myself is a daily battle; but as my friend Jessie told me, “God takes our mistakes and uses them for the greater good of our lives.” I think God will do that somehow; I don’t know how, but He’s clever. I have learned from this relationship that friendship needs to be at the core; that maturity and responsibility cannot be underestimated; that service, kindness, sacrifice, and selflessness are priceless. It is easy for me to constantly look back on the relationship, allowing myself to be tormented by a million “What if?” questions; but I am taking deep breaths and doing my best to move forward—slowly but surely—and trying to make all that I have learned not go to waste. I am now better prepared and wise for my next relationship. Maybe that’s what God intended all along? The weight on my shoulders shall lesson; the days shall burn brighter; and life continues on.
One of my friends and I went to Wendy’s for dinner today. While there, we talked about our pasts and such of that nature. A serious conversation riddled with laughter. As we walked back to my car, she said, “I’m not really a bad person, Anthony.” I unlocked the door and looked over at her on the other side of the vehicle; “I know. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone messes up. Some people refuse to acknowledge it. Others cover it up with a veil of self-righteousness, convincing everyone they’re better than everyone else. Others will confess, ‘Yeah, I’ve had my fair share of mistakes, no way I’m talking myself out of that.’ And others will let their mistakes beat them over the head and crush them into despair.” I have a very unfortunate tendency to embrace the latter: to let my mistakes and sins of my past overwhelm me to the point where I am convinced that nothing good will ever come of me because of what I have done. Such an outlook is not only depressing; it’s the outlook of one who has embraced defeat and settled to live a life of mediocrity, always looking back on their past and refusing to move forward. Which leads me to my next thought…
The freshmen have all moved in, and this morning we had a special Sunday gathering with worship, a sermon, and communion. Larry, who was one of my teachers last year, gave the message. This kept coming forth from his mouth and resonating within me: “God has something great and amazing planned for every one of you; He is waiting for us to place our trust in Him and commit ourselves to Him. If we obey Him, He will bring these plans to fruition.” I caught the irony: this morning, my devotional dealt with not letting our mistakes define our identity and not letting our pasts determine our future. All of this rolled together with a singular, emphatic statement: “I cannot let my mistakes nor my past determine who I am or where I will go with my life. God has given me dreams. He has given me talent. He has given me passion. He wants to use all of this for the betterment of His world, and He wants to bless me immensely. To wallow in guilt and shame and failed relationships is to submit to defeat and thus keep myself in a rut. God is giving me a window to leap out of, a ladder by which to climb out of the hole I find myself in. I need to stop hanging onto the past and start embracing the future.” But how do I do such a thing? This I am still trying to figure out…
Trusting God. Hmmm… Last weekend, Amanda and I ran errands for Mom—groceries and such. As we walked through the aisles, pulling cereal boxes off the shelves, we talked about everything going on in my life. She made the comment, “It almost sounds like God is just trying to get you to trust Him, Anth. You have such a hard time with it, and it’s almost like He’s placing you in positions so you can learn to trust Him. A harsh learning curve, but maybe that’s what He’s doing?” Maybe she’s right. It’s not the first time I thought that might be the case. Trusting God… It’s a big struggle with me. I just can’t seem to let go of the wheel and give it to God (I hate that metaphor; here’s another: I just can’t seem to trust the nuts and bolts of God’s plan on the roller coaster of my life; sometimes I fear He’ll just send me crashing off the tracks).
No comments:
Post a Comment