the hardest decision

Karen and I broke up this afternoon. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. We held one another. We cried. And then I left. I drove home, and the entire way my throat clenched up and tears brimmed. I haven’t cried in months, but today the tears wouldn’t stop falling. This is the great irony of my life: pursuing to love and be loved, and forever having it escape me. Being backstabbed, cheated-on, and abandoned has been the underscore of my life when it comes to romance. And then I find this girl. This fantastic, wonderful, most extravagant girl. And I fall in love with her. And she falls in love with me. And we have the hope of a future: marriage, children, working together at a church. But all of this crumbles because it takes more than love to make a relationship work. Sometimes the mind must trump the heart. Sometimes logic must win against feelings. Sometimes you have to give up on your dreams even though it’s so tempting to cling onto them. As it stands, Karen and I love one another. But changes need to be made. If these changes are not made, then the relationship will fail. Every relationship reaches the point when it must experience death or rebirth. I chose rebirth. Karen chosen death. And it takes two to tango, so I left her on her front porch and drove home with tears crawling down my face. I love her so deeply, so richly… I love her. I want to marry her. But I can’t. And knowing this is the worst feeling in the world. Every part of me, except that very small part that is filled with wisdom, screamed for me to stay with Karen despite the fact that the relationship wouldn’t work. But sometimes I make wise decisions. Sometimes I do something honorable. And today, I did something honorable. I embraced suffering, I took the narrow road, I did what was right, something both of us knew to be right. And so we are no longer together. I am sitting at home, alone. I don’t have the freedom to call her, to dote on her, to hug her tightly and kiss her sweetly on her cheek. I don’t have the freedom to see her every night and hear her cute “Good nights” before I fall asleep. Once again, I am alone. I did the right thing, but that doesn’t make it any easier.