a difficult night

Life has been a roller-coaster. One of my good friends was sexually assaulted over the weekend, and she called me sobbing Sunday night. I rushed over to her house and sat with her for a couple hours. On Monday we went to the police station, filed a report, and then went to the U.C. Hospital in Clifton. The emergency room was packed with people, with a 6-8 hour wait, but she got preferential treatment. Obviously. It took a couple of hours for them to examine her and make sure everything was okay. I sat outside and observed. Lots of people fighting, lots of crying, lots of insanity. When she was done, we sat in the car for a while and talked. I haven’t really seen her since then. She is starting counseling, which is excellent. She’s still traumatized, obviously, and the police were supposed to call her yesterday, but they never did—for that, I’m pretty upset. She is surrounded by friends, but hesitant to trust anyone (for obvious reasons). Her parents don’t even know, aren’t required to, so they think everything is all right. Please keep her in your prayers; pray that God will shower her with comfort, peace, security; pray that God will bring swift judgment into the situation; pray that this horrible event will draw her closer to God and that she will continue to rely on Him more and more. When these times strike, difficulties in all their assorted colors and flavors, then the human creature is poised with two different routes when it comes to God: either a deeper, richer walk with Him; or a bitterness and coldness of the heart. I have experienced both, have turned both ways at the fork in the road. Pray that she takes the former.

Other than that, the semester is halfway over.

I have made lots of really good friends, and I am content with being single.

I have several options available to me following graduation.

Several of us went to a school event in northern Kentucky. Corn-hole, hayrides, a bonfire, fishing, square dancing, grilled meats. It was a pretty good time, despite the cold and the sickness I’ve accumulated due to being too close to a certain girl (only a friend, I must add; and there is nothing more that I want with her; but it was cold and she was skinny and needed some warmth, so I sat close to her, and voila! I have a cold). I have two papers to write tonight. Three to write tomorrow. And I’m juggling between different Halloween opportunities, various parties and events of which I can partake.

amanda @ Mt. Adams overlook

The weekend went pretty well, though it was quite boring. Mom bought me a video game—IL-2—which kept me occupied most of the weekend. I didn’t fall asleep till dawn Friday night thanks to a latte, and I may have the same problem tonight due to a compulsive stop at Starbucks before heading back to campus. At least this weekend I was able to watch multiple episodes of “House” that Mom DVR’d. Now I’m back at school, and after cleaning my room and procrastinating on a paper, I am getting ready to grab some dinner at the café before going to my friend Brock’s “Going Away” Party (he’s leaving for the Navy in November).

My ex-girlfriend Jessica and I talked a bit. We said that we are going to run away to Alaska together, getting eloped on the way. The scary thing is that such a venture could actually work out! We were joking, of course.

I’ve a busy week ahead of me. On Monday I am busy with work and school till 6:00, and then I have to go to the library to do research for another paper. I thought senior year was supposed to be easy?! That’s what they told me as a freshman. On Tuesday I have work and class till 2:20, and then I am going thrift-store shopping before writing the paper I’m researching for on Monday. Wednesday is a relatively easy day: out of class by 11:00, then hanging out with my friend Matt Jobst late in the evening. On Thursday I may go to The Anchor Grill for dinner to relax and do homework. And Friday… Well, this weekend I am maybe going down to Kentucky to visit my aunt, uncle, and cousins. I can’t wait for Thanksgiving Break. It’s going to be amazing.

a prelude to the future?

Amanda came to Cincinnati today. We ate lunch in the dining hall with Jessie, then went to Sarah’s apartment on Ridge Road. It’s a pretty rough spot in town, police cars screaming every which way as the sun sets. We joined her and Keith in their apartment, watched some television with them, chatted. Keith had his plate of marijuana, and he put the bowl in my face and asked, “Are you still thumping?” 

I asked what he meant, and he replied, “Still thumping the Bible?” 

With a sigh, I replied, “Yes, Keith, I’m still ‘thumping the Bible.’” 

He mocked me a little bit, then proceeded to smoke his weed. A few moments later his friend showed up, and he sold Keith a few ecstasy pills. Amanda and I sat there quietly as he took them. We both looked at Sarah, and we could see a mix of desperation and complacency written over her face. When we finally left, Amanda said, “Why the hell is she with him?! He’s such a bad person! And he wants to get married to her and be the ‘father of her babies’ [a direct quote]. He’s a wasted life, and he’s just going to drag her down that road.”

Sadly, he already has. It literally breaks my heart to see her now, to see what she’s become. She’s all but abandoned God, has resigned to live this life of sex and drugs and alcohol, all the while knowing it’s wrong but not having enough of a spine to get over it. Whenever I am at the apartment, which reeks of the stench of marijuana, a wave of depression washes over me. I remember when Sarah and I would sit at her old place and play with her dog and watch movies and laugh the night away. Now her laughter has turned into tears of shame, and the good life she lived has been scarred and marred by her awful decisions, the consequences of which she feels locked into. James, Forest, and I—along with several others—have constantly tried to get her out of the situation, but she refuses. What else can we do? She has decided to live this life, has decided to embrace the lot that she’s chosen for herself. I can’t support her in this decision, and I’m still one of her good friends, but this has altered our friendship, has put a strain upon our relationship. This sucks, and it’s horrible that there’s nothing I can do about it.

eat. drink. meet abe lincoln.

This evening I joined several of my friends, and we drove out to Colerain. One of our theology professors, James Snyder (on the right in the picture), is an absolutely head-over-heels Civil War fanatic (and he curses those bloody “Yankees”). We got to his house, a restored Carriage Coach Inn from the 1800s, and his wife led us into the living room. The room was drenched in the aroma of candles, and dozens upon dozens of muskets, along with Civil War relics, lined the walls. We were taken outside, and Snyder—along with the professor of Church History, Rick Cherok (on the left in the picture)—stood in front of an 1830s log cabin in the backyard. They were dressed up in clothing from the Antebellum time period (the period before the Civil War). They introduced a special guest, and out of the cabin stepped Abraham Lincoln himself! We built a fire and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows, leaned back on bales and hay and listened as Abraham Lincoln talked about his life and times. Everyone then had the opportunity to ask him a question. Everyone’s questions were very intellectual, and it was hilarious when someone questioned his war-time practices of suspending civil liberties as unconstitutional; Lincoln looked at him in the eyes, asked, “Are you familiar with the Constitution?” My friend said, “Yes.” Lincoln then expounded upon a remote location in the Constitution allowing him to suspend civil liberties in time of war; my other friend leaned over and whispered to him, “You just got owned.” Ha. Afterwards, Snyder—who reenacts Civil War battles in his free time—arranged the thirteen of us into rank and file, taught us several marching maneuvers, and then proceeded to instruct us on how to do a bayonet charge against an entrenched enemy position. It was fantastic. The whole ordeal was part of a class, “The Civil War Experience.” While I’m not actually in the class, I was able to tag along. It was a great time.

a dream (NOT zombie)

Last night I dreamt that my friend Sarah and I went to my Grandma’s house. My grandma, she acted really sweet and lovingly towards both of us, but then my cousins showed up. They grabbed Sarah and shoved her into a back room, and my grandma pulled out a gun and forced me outside. Standing out on the patio, she explained to me that she and my cousins were cannibals, and they were going to eat Sarah. I tried and tried to get to her, but I was unable to do so. I was left alone outside, unable to get inside, and I could hear Sarah’s screams. I fell onto my knees and stared up at the sky, and I raised my hands and cried out to God, “Whenever something great happens to me, it’s taken! Why don’t you step in and do something?!” I woke up crying. I don’t know what to think about the dream. I’ve always believed that dreams mean absolutely nothing, but I also believe that dreams can be symptomatic of unconscious rhythms in the mind. All day today I have been asking myself the question, “Is this really how I think? Do I really believe that God is out to thwart my plans and to shatter my happiness?” My long litany of romantic relationships shrieks, “Sabotage!” Three of my five past girlfriends treated on me. Another one chose a lifestyle of sin over a life with me. My hopes and dreams have been handed to me on a silver platter—or so it seemed—only to be crushed under the weight of misfortune. This isn’t the case just with romantic relationships either. When it comes to platonic friendships, more than once I have had friends backstab and abandon me out-of-the-blue. This time last year, I lost six friends in a single day, with no rhyme or reason, and I spent the better part of Fall Semester alone in my room, too depressed to wander about to forge new friendships (a few months ago, one of the six former friends apologized). And while I know that God is good, and that He treats His children with love and rains blessings upon them, sometimes the misfortunes and happenchance of life can play to a different tune.

My baby sister told me today, “I feel so depressed. I just want things to be good. Something is always going wrong. It’s like God hates seeing me happy.” On Monday, seven of her friends abandoned her for no reason, and her week has been a living Hell (thankfully she is coming home this weekend, so we will get to see one another). I told her that she knows that God is not out to harm His children or cause them pain, and she responded, “I know. But don’t you feel like every time you’re close to being content something goes wrong?” I candidly remarked, “Yeah, ain’t that the truth?” I told her to hold her head up, that “things work out for everyone else, so they have to work out for us eventually.”

randomz as life goes on

I walked off-campus for a bit this evening, and I ran into a man who lives in the condominiums just outside the school. He was smoking a Black-&-Mild, and he said “Hello”, and I said, “Hello” back. He asked where I was from, and I told him that I went to the campus by his house. He thought that was fantastic, was considering going for a Master’s in Public Speaking there. We sat out by the apartments for half an hour and talked about school, education, and Christianity. He gave me his phone number and invited me over to his place sometime for a beer. Don’t worry, he didn’t seem creepy. I am going to take him up on his offer sometime next week. Up on the “Holy Hill” of C.C.U., sometimes we can get the impression that our campus is a nest of holiness amidst a city of hedonism and sin. It’s refreshing to know that there are followers of Christ outside the realm of Cincinnati academia.

Kyle, Jessie and I are talking about planting a church in Kyle’s basement. Not anytime soon, probably not until next semester. Kyle and I have been talking about doing it for a LONG time, but we never really got around to discussing it as a reality. I am graduating in May, and so the possible reality of planting a church has hit us like a sledgehammer. Now is the time for action! As to plans following graduation, I am considering pursuing a Master’s in either Church History or New Testament Studies. We’ll just have to see. Financial burdens are a big deal right now, especially with the economy threatening to plunge into the depths.

The presidential election is less than a month away. The tension at the school can sometimes be cut with a dull knife. Several of our professors and students are supporters of Obama (my Preaching professor’s phone went off in class today, and a tune that rang “Obama” over-and-over played; absolutely hilarious), and several of our professors and students are staunch supporters of McCain. I’m not feeling too great about either one of them, but then again, I’m not big into politics. Some say that’s a strength, others say that it’s a weakness. Who knows?

Karen and I talked for a bit today. I am pretty much over her. God has really helped me out on this one. I told her, “There’s a girl I like, a girl that I’ve been hanging out with. I’m not dating her, and I don’t plan on even asking her out on a date for a long time. But I just want you to know that it’s a possibility for the future.” She is having a much more difficult time moving on. Maybe I shouldn’t have told her about this yet-to-be-named girl, but I know that she would rather know than not. Speaking of relationships, now two of my ex-girlfriends are engaged. I’m happy for both of them, they’re both going to be happy. But in my dark hours, they rise like shadowy symbols of my own shattered hopes and fruitless dreams. “Shattered so far… But not forever hopeless.” My dream of being a good husband and a good father burn like magma through my veins, and I refuse to give in to resignation. One day my dream will come true. God is shaping me into the person I need to be in order to experience my dream to the fullest. Of this I am confident (even though others would disagree).

I know I haven’t posted in a week (or at least a few days), so this has been a recap of my life right now. Life has been going decently well. I’ve had cycles, sure, but nothing debilitating. This weekend was pretty good: a bunch of friends and I went to a Thai restaurant (my friend Sarah is from Thailand, and she actually cried because the food was so authentic that it reminded her of home), and we went to Newport on the Levee and sat out at the Highlands Coffee Shop for a few hours Saturday night. It’s been great getting to know new people. Fall Break begins on Thursday, so I expect that I will be writing a handful of new xanga entries (since I will be bored at home, no doubt!).