Flight of the Concords

I wanted to share that video from "The Flight of the Concords", a New Zealand folk rock band that is going into Season 2 of its own H.B.O. Series. I liked their music before I saw the television show, and I must admit, I am a big fan. It ties in with House, The Office, Family Guy, and Arrested Development--all great television shows.

I have been put on a different medicine for my bipolar disorder. Starting these types of medicines is always difficult because of the physical effects they have upon me. For instance, whenever I would begin taking Depakote, I would be stricken with nausea, an aching body, great drowsiness, inability to concentrate and pay attention, etc. I’m on a different medicine now, and I was sick for most of today: nausea, dizziness, blurred vision. All side-effects of the medicine. *sigh* I wish there were a medicine out there that didn’t make me miserable as I transitioned into it. Oh well. I’m going to give it a decent chance. At least I’m happy during all of the physical pain. Hopefully this time I won’t toss out the baby with the bathwater (tossing out the medicine due to the ill physical effects), and hopefully this time things will work out better for me.

the perfect remedy

When the mind cannot sleep, and when restlessness reaches down even to the marrow of my bones, I find an escape. I hardly ever wake up early enough to see the sunrise—and usually the sunrise is obscured by Cincinnati smog—and the sunrise will not wait for me. Yet I can go to the sunrise, and thousands upon thousands of feet in the sky, I can lean against the window and watch the sun rising over the great ocean swells. And you thought I played flight simulator just because it was fun…

my greatest fear

Do you know what I’m afraid of? I’m so afraid. I never thought I would say this to you: I am afraid of being alone. This fear haunts me, eats me, and consumes me, day in and day out, judging and liquidating my every move. I fear, so badly, never having anyone. I fear growing old, cold, and alone, never tasting love, and dying alone and forgotten in a decrepit hospice, those whitewashed tombs. I am so afraid I will never taste the kiss of a girl or feel the warmth of her body close; I am so afraid I will never be the focus of sparkling eyes and a tender touch and shy smiles. I fear never being loved, only watching others parade in fashion, hungering and thirsting and crying in my own silence. I can’t rationalize my fear away; you can’t rationalize the fear of snakes or spiders, and my life’s history gives no alternate meaning: “No one wants you, and all who might want you will be taken from you.” I am left alone, unwanted, watching my friends and their girls, watching the object of my passion for so long taken by a best friend—and he forgets me [an event in High School that foreshadows, ironically, what would happen my sophomore year of college]. For so long I’ve lain alone at home in bed as my friends went out with all those who shared affection.

I don’t want sex or making out. I want someone to talk with, someone to hold close, a girl who doesn’t shiver at my sight but draws near, finding comfort and refuge in my arms. When she cries, I want to hold her. When I cry, I want her to hold me. I am a romantic shunned, looking around and seeing sex-mongers cheating the romance out of girls, leaving them hollow, sluttish shells—the rape of all good and true. I want a girl so badly, a genuine and authentic, loving and cherished, a beautiful and captivating girl to find a hiding place in my love, to cry no more. I want to go to candlelit dinners, to hold her by a fire, to feed off her warmth under the stars, to whisper in her ear, “I love you. It will be okay.”

Did you ever see the movie Donnie Darko? Donnie falls in love with Gretchen, and she is killed—run over by a car. It is very tragic. This haunts me, sears me, paralyzes me. It comes up in my dreams and nightmares. I am Donnie—weird, socially blundering, wanting the girl. Gretchen is the one whom I seek; I am the one who’s filled her dreams of weddings and engagements and honeymoons. Then she is taken, brutally and savagely, innocent and angelic, battered and bloodied. This I fear, too: discovering the One—and she is taken from me. I fear she shall be taken from me.

snapshots

cincinnati whiteout '09

Snow days! It is rare that C.C.U. has snow days, but the weather has demanded them: freezing rain has left up to a quarter-inch of ice on all the roads. Hamilton County was on a Level Three Snow Emergency this morning, and I went on a walk down Glenway Avenue. It was quite strange seeing nothing but snow and ice, the roads unpaved, complete emptiness, the sounds those of only the birds and the wind rattling the ice-heavy branches. People walked down the streets, heads hung low, fighting off the cold. It was as if the world had been stripped of all technology.

The snow days have been fun. I am itching to go to my classes, which are fascinating, so I am starving for knowledge. But, regardless, I have found ways to enjoy myself. Tackling my friend Sarah in the snow. Throwing snowballs. Building a gigantic igloo. “Eskimo is a racial slur for the Inuit people.” Sledding down massive hills and slicing open my finger (my plastic sled shattered into several pieces, cutting my body in nearly every fathomable place; I feel like a walking corpse drained of blood). Hanging out with friends in the café while sipping hot chocolates. The best part, however, has been crawling under the covers of my bed after spending eight hours in the snow, feeling my toes warming up underneath multiple fleece blankets. As the elite Romans would say, “Paradisio.”

one picture and 1000 words

The talk went well. My friend Jessica and I had to establish what our relationship means, clear the air for what the future holds. In league with my usual style of elaboration upon my life, it would make sense that I would write about it. But there are some things that words just cannot explain, and it is my relationship with Jessie. All-in-all, I think a picture would best describe our relationship. Sometimes pictures can speak 1000 words, and I believe this pictorial representation of our relationship accomplishes such a feat.

the third week

Monday. Jessie and I had our mandatory Hilltop meeting from 1-3:00. Caleb’s back, pursuing his Master’s in Counseling, and he’s working as a barista. Ams and I went to Dayton to load some of her belonging into her car and ferry it back to her school. She has a cool roommate, a girl named Emily.

Inauguration Day. Gambill and I went to Romans class at 8:30. I took an end seat in the second row next to Gambill. The first row is empty, except for one guy and Mandy K. I took Ams to the bookstore after class, and then I napped through Chapel. I ate lunch in the Hilltop with Jessie and Ams, and then Jessie and I went to Geology. The class is taught by Rick Bullard, Stupid Farmer’s uncle. I kept making funny faces and weird noises to make Jessie laugh, just as I did with Monica in Biology last year. I grabbed a coffee from the Hilltop, and Stupid Farmer and I went to President’s Hall to go to the bookstore and visit his uncle. Stupid Farmer confessed his crush on Amanda. I ate dinner with him, Gambill, and Jobst. Ams and I played ping-pong in Student Life. President Obama was sworn in today.

Wednesday. Mom told me Grandpa and Grandma M. aren’t planning on getting a divorce, due to insurance reasons, but they ARE separating. Grandpa is moving to Oklahoma, and Grandma is moving in with Aunt Teri. They’re putting the house up for sale. Gambill and I ate breakfast at 7:30 and went to Genesis 1-11 with Dyke. I got an iced latte and went to my room to do some writing. Ams got out of class at 11:00, and we went on a cigarette run in her car. I worked 12-2:00, ate lunch with Stupid Farmer and Ams, and did some homework in my dorm room before dinner with Ams, Kyle, Stupid Farmer, and Gambill. Ams said she doesn’t like Bullard “like that.” Jessie, Bullard, Justin, Ams, Faikham and I hung out in Student Life until midnight. Faikham sat beside me and was being very cuddly: leaning against me, her head on my shoulders, stuff like that. Jessie was shocked; I was happy. “She’s my guilt pleasure,” I quipped. Jessie and I talked on the phone until 1:30 AM. She’s full of confusion regarding everything with Justin.

Thursday. I had class 8:30-9:45 with Gambill, worked until 1:00, and then had class with Jessie until 2:45. I came down with a  bad headache and napped until 6 PM. I ate dinner with Gambill, Stupid Farmer, Kyle, and Ams. Faikham and Deshay joined us, and we went down to the café for hang-out time. We did the phalanx on Sarah and prank-called Bethany “Kool-Aid” Heitkamp. Jessie and Justin went for a long walk and spent the evening together. Ams told me, “I hate the way Faikham treats you. She’s so heartless and mean.” She isn’t nicknamed the Ice Princess for nothing; and at least I get cuddles out of it.

Friday. Jessie’s brother Jake told her, “Either you will marry Anthony, or your friendship will end.” I comforted her, told her not to worry. Deep down, though, I fear he was right. Ashlie and I were best friends for four years. “We’ll always be friends!” we exclaimed. That was naïve. Ashlie and I went our separate ways. We don’t talk anymore. It’s not a bad thing. It’s just what is. It’s the rhythm of relationships. Every relationship shatters in due time; and if not by choice, then by fate, and that fate is death. Everyone who lives will one day die and die alone. My friendship with Jessie is already beginning to wither into just another scarred, fibrous corpse as her heart turns from me onto Justin. She and Justin won’t be just friends; he will take all her affections. Gambill, Stupid Farmer and I ate breakfast at the dining hall; I was up early enough to see the sunrise. Class ran until 9:00, and then I wrote a paper in the library. I ran to the bank, filled up the Prizm at the Sunoco, and then I met up with Jessie for a while. I hung out with Faikham in the Hilltop, and then Ams and I went to Party Source in Kentucky to get some beer. We went to Mount Echo to drink beer and smoke cigarettes, and then she went home. Faikham called me, asked me to join her, Mikaela, Jessie and Justin for a trip to Thai Taste. Mikaela told Faikham, “I think Beast likes you,” and she just shook her head. Jessie worked 7:30-Close in the Hilltop, so Faikham and I went and kept her company. Faikham fell asleep on my arm. She woke up homesick and went back to her dorm. She taught me how to say “I love you” in Korean.

Saturday. Jessie and I grabbed lunch at the dining hall and went over to Isaac’s apartment at Summit View to hang out and drink Woodchuck Cider. Isaac, Andy and I went to dinner at the dining hall, and then I took a nap. While I was sleeping Faikham, Kugler, Katy M., Mikaela, and Andy went down to skate on Fountain Square. When I woke up, Stupid Farmer and I loaded into my car and went down there. We got coffee at Graeter’s and stood watching them from the sidelines. Mykaela took off her skates and hung out with us. When Faikham saw me, she got really excited, gave me a big hug, and said, “I’m so glad you came!” All of us went to Skyline Chili on Warsaw, and then I went over to Jobst’s apartment and we grilled steaks out on the street while drinking beer.

Sunday. Both Ashlie H. and Courtney bought their wedding dresses yesterday. I woke, did laundry, and got a lot of homework done. Jessie called me, told me she spent all yesterday evening with Justin. I’m selfish, and I don’t want her hanging out with him because I fear he’ll replace me. Stupid Farmer, Gambill and I hung out for a while, and then I worked 5:45-9:00. Jessie took over for me.  Jessie says she always gets questions like, “Do you and Beast have a ‘thing’?” and she’s always like “No, no, NO!” Katie told me that the Wright Brothers (not Orville and Wilbur) said, “Anthony’s sister is so hot, and he’s so ugly; it’s weird.” That pissed me off. Ams returned to campus, and we went to the Hilltop and hung out with Gambill and Faikham. Justin and the Wright Brothers showed up, and I felt myself getting angry, so I headed back to my room and went to bed.