a message to courtney

Amos and I sat in the coffee shop for lunch talking about things. Some of the things he said really made me think. It took me the longest time to get to the point where I didn’t want to “be” with Courtney romantically. Holy cow, a long freaking time. Months. We only dated for two months, sure, but I have never felt so close to anyone, so alive with anyone, I have never felt life mean so much. When we ended without any hope of a future, I went through a dark period. I struggled with hope, with dreams. I battled demons of guilt and shame. I fought to keep my head above the water as the depression threatened to pull me under. But I endured. That is something I’m really good at. Endurance. Anyways, I endured despite the countless tears, the nights where I would only dream of her and wake up not wanting to live. I endured soaking my pillows with tears and filling my journals with ramblings about how amazing she was and how I could never find anyone like her, how my own stupidity had taken her from my life, and how I was the only one to blame for the breakup. Logic completely abandoned me. But over time, I began to get things together. My face brightened. I started laughing again. Life continued. No, it’s not easy. I see her and Kyle together, and it hurts. Not a piercing, numbing hurt, but a gentle throb in the back of my throat, a strange hurt that cannot be described by words. I am moving on. No, I’m not dating anyone (this school year I’ve already been led on and kicked to the ground twice by different girls). But I am dealing with things. And getting better at dealing with them. Will she ever know how deeply I cared for her, how great my affections for her truly were? I doubt it (unless she reads this). We don’t talk. It’s better that we not talk, at least better now. The last thing I want is to find my feelings for her breaking through like water crashing through a ruptured dam; I don’t want to endure that hell again. I will if I have to, but it’s not what I desire. Anyways, the point of this whole xanga entry returns to what Amos was saying. He said, in reference to an ex-girlfriend, that his romantic feelings for her will fade, but there will always be a part of him that loves her. He said that, and I thought immediately of Courtney. Do I want to hold her, kiss her, tell her everything will be okay, give the world to her? Not like I used to. I don’t even know her anymore. But I still care for her. Care for her deeply. I care that she’s happy. I hope and pray that she’s happy, and that she’s doing what she wants to do with life, and that it’s making her happy. My romantic feelings for Courtney are fading, but the care I had for her is strong as ever. We don’t talk. We don’t even exchange glances most of the time, even though we see one another every day. Despite all of this, I care for her bunches. I have never cared so deeply for any of my ex-girlfriends. It is something weird, to be sure, but yet something undeniable.

So, Courtney, if you’re reading this (and I have no idea if you even look at my xanga anymore and no reason to think you will come across this): “Just know that I may seem cold sometime, and even though I ignore you most of the time—because I do not want to return to the great pain I experienced after our breakup—I don’t hate you. I think you’re an amazing girl, and any guy who ends up with you is truly blessed by God. I want you to know that I care for you more than I’ve ever cared for any other human being, and that I want you to be happy no matter what that entails.” That’s all.