as my heart breaks...

It seems everyone I know is getting married. 

 And my dreams seem farther away than ever. 

 I lie awake at night.

I think about that which once was, and that which may never be again. 

* * * 

"Girls first break your wallet, then they break your heart." I came up with that one. 

"Some girls are like honeybees. They may look cute and cuddly, but if you get too close, they'll sting ya." I came up with that one, too. 

* * * 

I am slowly losing hope that my dreams will one day be a reality. Each day, the flame of hope dies more and more. I have loved. I have lost. I have given of myself, and I've had my heart ripped at the seams. I've sacrificed my own interests for others, and they have only used it as an opportunity to hurt me. I've bled and wept and tried to hold on, but I'm crumbling apart. I am only so strong. I have gone on for four years, living a life of heartache and trying to hold onto that which is so elusive... But life experiences are a wonderful teacher, and I am beginning to embrace the realization that I am pretty much the most unlucky boy in the world. Oh well. It's better to acknowledge these things than to live in ignorance of them. 

* * * 

May I elaborate? Freshman year, two girls hurt me. Sophomore year, four girls hurt me. Last semester, two girls hurt me. Why should I keep going? It seems so obvious. "You're a great guy. You're cute. You are a wonderful person and any girl is lucky to be with you." These things may be said by others, but if it is the case, then why have the past years looked like this? Don't even make me go into my high school years, when a girl told me to my face, "I would date you, but you're not attractive enough or popular enough for me." And that is just one instance. 

* * * 

But there is something one of my best friends told me sometime in November. "You're not like all the other guys, Anthony. You treat a girl right. You've made mistakes, but you treat a girl right. You treat girls like they are princesses. Most guys will use girls. You don't. Most guys wouldn't give girls like me a chance--I've slept around, I've done things I regret, I'm what people might call a slut. I've been called a slut to my face. But you look past all this when it comes to girls. You see the beauty in everyone. When a guy won't give girls like me a chance, you show up and give them everything they've always wanted. Sad thing is, the girls you've dated have taken this for granted. They haven't realized how lucky they were. But one day a girl will see how lucky she is."