I noticed the last thirteen posts have been resplendent with hashtags, brackets, ellipses and asterisks. It reads like something a preteen girl would put in her junior high scrapbook. One of them was even inspired by Ke$ha, for God's sake. If only to try and look like a respectable adult (hilarity), here's a post to stop the train-wreck before it gets out of control (although, by nature, a train-wreck is absent control; so who knows what the hell I'm saying).
I've been kinda sad lately.
An odd sort of sadness. An empty sadness.
I feel lost and alone, adrift with nothing and no one to look forward to.
A subtle sadness underscoring everything.
A quiet sadness, only noticeable when I stop to take a breath.
A lingering sadness. I'm sure this is how Frodo felt when he left Rivendell.
I've written a lot about girls and dating and my issues lately. I look a little obsessive, and that concerns me. So I'm asking myself, "Am I being obsessive?" And, no, I don't think so. Although it may seem that this occupies every ounce of my mind and spirit as I write it about it on this blog, it's not that big a deal in "real life." The posts themselves come off as overly dramatic, but that's just the overthinking, passionate writer in me (coupled with a dose of recovering-emo-kid in me). It may almost seem that I'm "desperate for a girlfriend." That's not at all the case, and if it were, I'd easily have a girlfriend right now. Hell, I seem to be desperate for singleness, breaking up with every good soul that comes my way. Truth be told, I may be a little too picky. I'm always picking women apart, comparing them to this or that, seeing if they measure up. It really stifles the dating process, erects a barrier to actually getting to know the person. No, I'm not desperate for a girlfriend; last month I had three women who simultaneously wanted to be with me. I'm not saying that to brag; it's only happened ONCE, EVER, and it happened to be recently. Point is, I'm still single, I didn't want to be with any of them. Thus I'm not desperate for a girlfriend. I think I just know who I am and I know what I want, and I take that seriously enough not to be nonchalant and casual about it. Dating for me is purposeful rather than recreational, and that makes it all the more wearying and frustrating.
What I mean is: I know what I want, and I'm not going to settle for less ("Speaking of settling, how's Anne?"). What I'm looking for is this: [leave computer for ten minutes to write out a brief list so that it's not evident I'm writing this on a whim] I'm looking for a woman who's faithful and loyal, caring and affectionate, a woman who has a good sense of humor (I know looking for a woman with my sense of humor would be akin to looking for an openly-practicing Jew in 1944 Germany). I want a woman who's welcoming of my quirks and accepting of my flaws, a woman who doesn't judge me for my issues and struggles, but who will love me despite them and encourage me in the midst of them. We'll never be free of such things, so that's a must. I want a woman who's a good conversationalist, and who's intelligent. We need to have a connection, we need to be able to be open and vulnerable and honest with one another. I want a woman who wants the same things out of life, primarily sharing in life's adventures, partnering together in our mission, and raising our family in Christ. On that note, I want a woman who's Christian and not just in name only. I don't think less of women who don't share my views, but it's helpful when life's approached from the same worldview. And as for those "feelings" that I wrote so much about several posts back, I need to accept the fact that love doesn't flourish overnight, and I can't "make or break" my next relationship with a wonderful woman based upon some nostalgic longing for a feeling that took years to produce and weeks to come to a head.
I feel that being a good husband and a good father is part of who I am meant to be.
I feel that this if there's ever a reason for me to be here, this is it.
I can't detach myself from it, and it's a bitch to accept but I've done it.
So, no, I'm not desperate, I'm purposeful and passionate. And so it winds up on the blog.
Now that we're past the disclaimer, what else is new?
Tazza Mia has been completely redone; pics to come!
I'm house-sitting in Dayton for the weekend, keeping Sky and Tanner out of trouble.
Tonight I'm doing dinner with John, Josh, and a bunch of others for John's bachelor party.
He and Brandy are getting married next month in Stubb's Park.
I think I'm going to go walk around there before heading to Columbus.
TTFN (Tigger).
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