the 22nd week

Brandy, me, and my hideous excuse for a beard

Monday. I dreamt that the Wisconsinite and I were drunk with love for one another. I fight these fantasies by day but am helpless against them at night. But even if I had control over my dreams, I don’t think I’d have it in me to end them when they came. I like them too much. A taste of what I want but can’t have. How can you miss what you never had? I’ve made out, fooled around, had sex; but nothing made me feel the way her hand in mine made me feel. Is that normal? Am I sane? I look back through my journals since 2009, and she’s there AGAIN and AGAIN. I’ve never been able to forget her; will an increased effort change anything? On that haunted trail with her in my arms, I thought God was FINALLY answering my prayers. It seems he wasn’t. Another disappointment, another scar; all I can do is keep hoping, praying, waiting. God says he answers our cries when we’re persistent. I’ll put that to the test. I’m going to badger him until it’s torturous to keep listening. My prayers is that God will crush all my love for her and bring me someone just as awesome as her (not better than her, because, come on, let’s be realistic).

Tuesday. I worked 6:30-1:00. On my way to The Anchor I stopped by UDF and ran into Ams. I handed her the house key and went on my way. They’d waxed the floor, so I couldn’t sit in “my” booth. I almost left! But the other room was empty, so I made do in the corner. When I got home I found Ams doing homework. We played Call of Duty and watched episodes of SVU and I made chicken and a baked potato for dinner.

Wednesday. I covered Sarah’s Food Prep shift, and we were crazy busy all day. I spent a hot minute at The Anchor after work, then headed over to Amos’. We played Mario-Kart and watched Doctor Who. Ferocious rains came, and I headed home in a dark and eerie downpour.

Thursday. Eric & I opened, and I spent the afternoon reading: finished both Stokesbury’s A Short History of World War One and Shaara’s To The Last Man. I went to The Anchor before picking up Amos for Small Group. Tiffany fixed a dinner of hot dogs and mac-&-cheese, and Amos and I contributed a veggie tray and a roasted chicken from Kroger.

Friday. I opened with Isaac. Sarah brought in some homemade oil to make the day easier. Bob’s truck was towed and Brandon scrambled with a catering order. We closed the shop at 2 PM and had a Store Meeting, talking about all the renovations happening this weekend. We were going to “volunteer,” but Bob wisely hired professionals to do all the work. Hammering rains swept downtown, and Amos and I retired to his place for a night of grilling out with John & Brandy, Andy & Ams, and Blake & Traci.

Saturday. I’m writing this in a crouched position not unlike that of a World War One soldier writing love letters on his last day alive. My day was spent deep-cleaning and doing laundry in Dayton. Driving around my old hometown, I was overcome with nostalgia for those days with Jessica and Carly. Jessica’s dating an Air Force guy now, and they’re pretty serious, cohabitation and all. Carly’s doing who-knows-what. It struck me that all those memories were two years ago. I sent Carly a message on Facebook to see if she wanted to hang out sometime. That was two weeks ago, and no reply. I don’t blame her: a lot has happened in the past two years, at least for them. My group of friends remains virtually the same (a testament to the durability and quality of such friendships), and I’m doing the same old thing. I can’t keep letting nostalgia get the best of me, and Facebook doesn’t help: it’s all too easy to ruminate, and rumination gets the best of me nine times out of ten. My life can’t be wrapped up in my past. It’s one of my biggest weaknesses.

Mother’s day. I went to The Anchor before grabbing lunch at Dusmesh with Amos. Ams joined us at his place for Mario-Kart, and then she followed me home. We hung out with Blake, did some grocery shopping at the Kroger down the street, and had baked potatoes, corn, and pasta for dinner while watching SVU. Mom cancelled our Mother’s Day plans.