[my life in brackets]

I've been out of college longer than I was actually in college. I really expected things to be different by this point, but such is life. Out of nothing more than flippant curiosity, I've sketched out the last ten(ish) years of my life:

The College Years

Freshman Year. These were the days of hanging out with John, Caleb, Brian, Rob, and all those good fellows. I remember these as hopeful, awesome days. I lump Sonja into my freshman year (you know it's not good when you don't learn how to actually pronounce her name until after the relationship is over), and I worked for Springboro Community Schools during the summer and frequented The Garage.

Sophomore Year. Things took a turn for the worse this year. I dated Julie, and then she broke up with me to date (and marry) Tim. I was heartbroken over it and almost killed myself. Jessica was my "rebound," and then Courtney and I got together. I lost my virginity to her, and then she cheated on me with Kyle, broke up with me, and then married him. I was depressed again, but not like I was over Julie. I spent the summer working at Joseph Badger Meadows with Kyle A. and Amos.

Junior Year. I suffered heartache over Courtney for half my Junior Year before dating Karen. Karen and I had a decent relationship. We got along really well and hardly ever fought. I did my preaching internship in Minnesota over the summer, and when I got back Karen and I started arguing a lot and then I broke up with her. 

Senior Year. These were the days I was hanging out with Kyle, Gambill, Jessie, Faikham, and Deshay. I started getting to know Mandy K. and ended up liking her. I told her how I felt at the Overlook, and she shut me down before graduating with her Associates and heading back home to Chicago.

The Post-College Years

The First Year. I lived at the Lehman House with Ams and Sarah. I fell hard for Sarah and then she brought a boy home and all but slept with him in the basement. I couldn't handle it and moved back to Dayton, where I started working at Spring Valley Starbucks. It took me several months to get over Sarah, and then I felt nothing but thankfulness that we didn't work out. I spent my days working and hanging out with Dylan, Tyler, and Pat D.

The Second Year. The Starbucks Days wrapped up after befriending Carly and Jessica, falling for Jessica, almost dating Jessica, and then being "turned out" by Jessica. I started smoking weed and moved down to Cincinnati to be with my friends and to "be cool" in the hopes that Jessica would change her mind. She didn't. These were the glamorous days of the Claypole House and working at Tazza Mia before it turned into a shitshow. Mandy K. and I reconnected at the Beechmont Starbucks, and we started talking a lot. I went up to Wisconsin to see her and then she changed her mind about dating me.

The Third Year. Mo and I went on our first date January 1st. We went on a couple dates. Rob and Mandy left for Portland, only to get divorced later down the road. I had my health scare in May and spent most of the year pitched over with nauseas paranoia. The Claypole House era ended, and Blake, Isaac and I moved into Park Avenue. Mandy K. and I almost reconnected, and then Mo and I did reconnect. That autumn Mo and I experienced some hard times and life-changing decisions, and we supported one another through it all. We broke up.

The Fourth Year. Mo and I got back together, and we dated until Valentine's Day when I broke up with her because I realized I loved Mandy K. John's dad died from lymphoma, and Mandy moved to Cincinnati from Portland to be with Isaac since his mom died from lung cancer. Mandy K. and I started talking that fall, but after a day at the Spa she decided to date someone else. That really pissed me off. I moved into the Hobbit Hole and started working at Walk of Joy.

The (Post)Post-College Years.

The Fifth Year. Mandy K. and I reconnect and we start dating. She says she loves me and wants to marry me. I work my ass off to move up to Wisconsin, and I move half my stuff up there. Mandy K. changes her mind again and puts me through hell. I cut her out of my life and try to salvage any semblance of hope.

That pretty much gets us up-to-date.

I'm REALLY hoping the (post)post-college years won't be a big disappointment.

I really thought these years would be marked by laughter, love, and family. And all of that with the Wisconsinite. That's not how it's turning out. I'm hoping I can salvage something out of this year. I spent the first half in love and optimistic about the future; I'm honestly frightened to see what these next six months bring. I'm not anticipating September when I can't stop thinking about how I'd be in Wisconsin, or November when we were planning on spending Thanksgiving with my family, or Christmas when we planned on spending it with hers. 

I really hope there's a break in this pattern. 
I've been brave, I've been proactive, I've risked so much. 

And every time it's come back to haunt me. 

Maybe God can break the pattern. 

It's what I'm praying for. 

But am I hoping for it? In any realistic sense? 

I don't even know.