the 54th week

Monday. I helped Ashley get Chloe off to school, and we ran through McDonald's for some breakfast. Ashley fell asleep on the sofa at her sister's, so Keith and I hung out for a while. He's quiet but opening up, and he's definitely cool. I left West Chester around 3:30 and spent the evening in the Hobbit Hole watching episodes of The West Wing. Ams talked with Ashley a lot today, and she told me, "Ashley's seeing things about you that other women haven't seen or didn't appreciate. She has a leg up because of what she's experienced, so she knows the qualities she wants in a man. And you have those qualities. She's been through the ringer, knows the vast majority of guys out there are assholes, and she's found someone who isn't like the rest. And she's terrified of losing you."

Tuesday. I woke at 5 AM after dreams of the Wisconsinite. Unable to fall back asleep, I went to Anchor Grill for a couple hours to do some journaling, thinking, and reading. Ashley and Zoey came down for most of the morning, and then I worked 2-8:00 in Blue Ash. Ashley came over once the girls were in bed, and we were up pretty late watching TV and talking about a certain "sadness" that has come over me lately. I've been dreaming about the Wisconsinite again, and I often wake up sad and riddled with memories. It makes me feel shitty, of course, since I'm with Ashley and committed to her. I'm left wondering if I'll ever get over what Mandy did to me; and I'm also wondering if I'll ever experience a love as fierce and devoted as the love I had for her.

Wednesday. My shift with Jason was cancelled because of holiday festivities, so I spent the afternoon lounging around and watching TV. I went to Anchor Grill, and a waitress tapped me on the shoulder, said, "I think you dropped your glove." I looked down to see a sock lying at my feet; somehow it had hitched a ride into The Anchor on my clothes. Ams and I spent the evening hanging out with Ashley and her family at her sister's house: lots of cider, good conversation, wrestling with pugs, and spending quality time together.

Thanksgiving Day. Ams and I spent the afternoon in New Carlisle celebrating Thanksgiving with Dad's side of the family; it was hard, not least because it was the first holiday Mandy and I were going to spend together. The whole time I just kept thinking about how if things were different, Mandy would've been there in New Carlisle with me today. Ams and I spent the evening at Rachel's place, eating a classic Thanksgiving dinner paired with hard apple ciders, before we headed our separate ways. I told Ams, "I feel like I have so many issues that are complicating things in my head and my heart. I feel like I need to figure out right now whether or not I see a long-term future with Ashley, and I just can't see that right now. I told her from the start that things need to go slow, but I feel like, at least for her, that's not the case. I'm overwhelmed by the kids a lot of the time, and that just adds to the stress, because I'm not just building a relationship with her but with them, and if I hurt her, I hurt them, too. And to top it all off, I'm still in love with Mandy and think about her a lot and dream about her a lot, too. It's as if my heart is in lockdown mode, and it won't open. Mandy, she really did a number on me. And it makes me wonder if I'm even ready for a serious relationship, because I can't give my heart to Ashley the way she is giving hers to me. And it makes me feel like a miserable and shitty human being, because she's so awesome and deserves so much." Ams told me it'll take a while to get over Mandy; it's a long process. I'd hoped that by now, nearly six months since the break-up, all of that would be Dead & Buried. But it's never been that way with the Wisconsinite; was I naive to expect things to be different this time around? 

Black Friday. Jessie and I met up for coffee and conversation at The Anchor (she and Tony were in town for the holidays), and she helped me gain some clarity about the things I've been feeling, and helped me see that I don't have anything to be ashamed about. I haven't done wrong by Ashley. The rest of my day was spent hanging out with Dylan and Tyler at Tyler's place in Mason. Dylan's girlfriend Nicole was there, so it was good to meet her. We had a really good time, and I talked to Ashley for a while on the phone before bed.

Saturday. Chloe and Zoey spent the day with their father, so Ashley came down to the Hobbit Hole and we watched The Book of Eli. We talked a lot about the scary things that have been going on in my head. She was really supportive and not surprised at how stressed I've been feeling. She looked into my eyes as I talked and started crying, and she said, "Anthony, your eyes, they don't even look alive." I got a little emotional as I talked (read: I cried a little), and she held me as I talked about how hard it's been losing Mandy, how it continues to be hard, how I don't feel capable of being a good partner. I told her how I feel shitty about this, how I feel that I should be over Mandy, that she should be filed away into my past, but because I'm not, and because my love for her affects our relationship, I feel I am not good enough, and certainly not what she deserves. "You always focus on the things you aren't instead of the things you are," she said, "and for all your brokenness and pain, you've been so wonderful to me and the girls. The fact that you can be feeling so much pain, and be wrestling with so much stress, and yet not blink in making sure you treat us well... That says a lot more than your brokenness ever could." We've decided (per my initiative) to spend less time together. I'm hoping this will help me find some clarity and peace of mind, and it'll help protect the girls' hearts, and Ashley's heart, as well. There's no way for me to see where this is going, or if it's even going anywhere, with the murky and clouded state of my heart. Everything's ambiguous, except for the memories of the Wisconsinite and everything we had. Those remain in sharp focus with HD color. I can't help but wonder if Ashley is crazy for not running from me.

Sunday. I served coffee at U.C.C. and tried to take a nap, but memories from the first half of the year kept assaulting me. My heart was a tumult, and I headed up to West Chester. The moment Ashley wrapped her arms around me, I felt better. The day ended up being good: we took the girls to Amanda's apartment for a delicious dinner of Mac & Cheese (a mix of spirals and shells!) and chicken kabobs with onions and peppers. Ashley and Ams hung out for a couple hours after I headed down to Winton Ridge to watch the mid-season finale of The Walking Dead. Ashley and I talked on the phone for a while before bed, and again she addressed how I so often feel like a failure, how I feel like an awful human being, and how I've attributed the events of June 16th in the light of my own sins and missteps. "You've cancelled your plans when I've needed to see you. You've talked on the phone with me late at night when you'd rather be sleeping because you knew it was important to me. You've planned things with me and the girls, and you treat them better than their own father does. You've told me I'm beautiful, over and over and over again, when no one else has. You've never criticized me or said negative things about me. You may not see how much that says, but I do." She added, "You always talk about your flaws and how you're unfit for a good woman, but no one else sees that. Your sister, who knows you better than anyone, says no one deserves love more than you do, and I think she's right. You just focus on those things you aren't, or those things you could be better at, rather than those things you ARE, those things you're AMAZING at. You're convinced God took Mandy away from you because you weren't good enough for her, but I can't even fathom that. Any woman would be so damned lucky to have a man like you. From what I've heard from your sister, Mandy didn't treat you well, and she took you for granted. She really did: had she seen what I see, if she had any experience in dating men, she wouldn't have pushed you away. She would've clung to you for dear life."