2014: the final month

The End of 2014 Countdown has begun!
T-Minus 31 Days.
"Hey 2015, don't suck as much as 2014, and we'll be good."
It's funny: 2014 started off so good, and then it got REALLY shitty.
But that's how it goes sometimes. #everydamnedyear
(and yet, somehow, I remain optimistic)

Mayhill Church of Christ contacted me: I got the votes I needed in the revote two Sundays ago, but older members of the church argued that since the bylaws said nothing about revotes, a revote wasn't legal. This is twice that the church has been embroiled in controversy over me. I could almost feel special. The elder in contact with me said that they reached a compromise: in January, they're going to bring me back in for yet another trial run, and they'll bring in two new people as well to "compete." Then the elders will choose who they want to put before the church, and so long as none of the other two try-outs don't blow me out of the water, I'll come before the church for a third time. I told him that's fine; it isn't optimal, and it's pretty frustrating, but any frustration I feel is exponentially more frustrating for the leadership team. The fact that I have to go through the whole "try out" again when the leadership team already chose me seems a little childish, but at least I'll get $200 for the try-out. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and making some heavy prayers, so hopefully 2015 will find me being a preacher in a podunk country church smack-dab in the middle of a nature preserve. I wouldn't be upset about that!

I haven't written nice things about the Wisconsinite these past few weeks, and I feel shitty about it, even if this is a private blog. Driving home the other night, I thought about how the things I've said and written may have affected her. I don't ever want her to doubt her worth, beauty, and value, and I really hope I haven't caused any "issues" similar to those I've been dealing with. Getting over someone is a process, and the process involves suppressing all the good and great memories and focusing on the flaws and problems to create a caricature. The caricature isn't an accurate portrait but a fabrication brewed in the context of grief and hurt. The logic is that by shedding the rose-colored lenses (the lenses that focus on the good and trivialize the bad) and putting on a different set of lenses that focus on the bad and trivialize the good, you can come to terms with what happened and believe that you're better off for it. It's Psychology 101: the coping mechanisms of a wounded heart. 

There are bad days.

And then there are good days.

The good days will increase.

The bad days will decrease.

The healing of a wounded heart takes time, and patience.

And you know what? I'm glad to have Ashley at my side through it.

I really don't deserve someone as patient, caring, and understanding as her.