the 58th week

Monday. Ashley and I broke up this morning. I initiated it: I've felt so overwhelmed by everything going on, by the residual brokenness in the wake of Mandy, and I've been craving a solid footing, some balance in my life, and I thought that by severing things with Ashley, I'd find some freedom, some room to breathe, some space to work through my issues. I'll be honest: I've never wept so hard as I did when I called things off. The conversation lasted nearly an hour, and I could barely say what I wanted to say because of the tears. She was on the other end telling me that she wasn't mad, that she understood, that everything would be okay, that she'd support my decision at her expense because she wants what's best for me. I felt sick to my stomach after the conversation, and I went to The Anchor for coffee but could barely drink any. My jaw ached from sobbing, and I went by Wal-Greens for sleeping meds and Advil. I tried watching movies at home but couldn't get the conversation from my mind, and I drank a couple shots of bourbon and took the sleeping medication and lie there staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep, just thinking about Ashley and the decision I made. I did to her what Mandy did to me: I let the issues overwhelm me, and I ran from Ashley to try and find balance in life. But unlike Mandy, I regretted it: because I didn't feel more balance, I just felt even more off-balance, and I realized that I had thrown away the most godly and caring woman I've ever known.

Tuesday. I didn't sleep well at last night, and I went to The Anchor this morning to try and clear my mind. I went down Route 52 to a riverside park, and I stood watching the mist on the river thinking about things. I do feel off-balance and broken, and I do want to find wholeness and healing. But the answer isn't in going it alone. Ashley has been an amazing support system, and cutting things off with her was a desperate gamble to find some peace of mind. She was willing to take me back, and so we're back together; and I'm taking my anxiety medication again. Hopefully I'll be able to endure the queasiness. I went up to her house and Chloe greeted me at the door. "Mom was crying all day yesterday, and your sister came here too!" Luckily Chloe didn't know what was going on. Ashley came down the steps, and we just held one another. I didn't want to look go. I looked at her face and never saw her as beautiful as I did then, and her kisses never tasted sweeter. I held her close to me and Chloe kept badgering us--"Why're you guys acting so weird?" and "Mom, are you crying again?"--but neither of us were bothered by it. We left the girls inside and went out onto the back porch, and I told her how it was so awful being separated from her even for 24 hours, how if she's an answer to my prayers, I don't want to jeopardize it, and how I want us to work through these things. She told me she didn't hold yesterday against me, that she wasn't mad, that she just wanted to hold me and help me through the issues and fears that plague me. "All she wants to do is love you and be there for you," Ams said; "She's pretty awesome." Ams is right.

Christmas Eve. After writing at The Anchor, I went up to West Chester and spent the afternoon with Ashley. We sat on the sofa and drank hot chocolate as the winds wailed against the windows, and we talked a lot about how I've been feeling much better since Monday. I told her the break-up and my onslaught of tears was a bit cathartic, and Blake told me how sometimes you can agonize over a decision, make the decision, and only then do you know it was the wrong decision. "Throwing away one of the brightest spots in my life in a gamble to reclaim balance isn't an optimal route," I told him. I told Ashley how I expected, after breaking up with her, to have to face the "Mandy demons" all over again; what surprised me was how Mandy didn't even cross my mind. All I could think about was Ashley, and it helped me see how much I care for her and want her to be a part of my life. "We want to be a part of your life, too," she said (referring to her and the girls). I bid her farewell and headed up to Dayton to celebrate Christmas with Mom, Dad, and Ams. We had dinner at Longhorn Steakhouse (I had a full rack of ribs, a side salad, and french fries paired with a Sam Adams seasonal). Back home we opened presents, and I got some pretty cool things, not least of all a letter telling me all my debt to them has been forgiven! "That's a $1000 gift right there!"

Christmas Day. I woke at 7 AM in Dayton and went to Speedway for coffee. I was going to do some writing but realized I'd left my net-book charger in Blue Ash. I ran by their house to get it, and by the time I got home Mom had breakfast ready: bacon, eggs, sausage, and butter croissants. Ams cut my hair, and she and Mom went to see a movie. Dad and I loaded into the Honda Civic and took it for a spin at the high school and along country roads. It was my first time driving a stick shift; it's fun, and I only stalled it out once! My evening was spent hanging out with Ashley and her family for Christmas. Her sister kept making jokes about me breaking up with her; that's just how her family is, and they've been very welcoming. Her dad even wanted me to get in the picture, but I decided not to, and did so in a way that didn't come off as awkward. After Christmas festivities, Ashley and I went over to her sister Rachel's house to hang out with her and her brother Nathan, who moved in there last week. We hung out in Nathan's room, and I took some pictures, and I told Ashley, "I just want to capture this moment," because I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and contentment there with her and the girls and her brother and sister. I bid them all farewell and headed back to the Hobbit Hole thankful that I have a woman as wonderful as Ashley to call my own.

Friday. A busy day: I went to The Anchor for coffee and writing and spent the afternoon at Winton Ridge hanging out with John & Brandy, and Amos & Andy. I headed up the highway to hang out with Ams, and we ordered Penn Station and watched episodes of Friends. Come nightfall I headed over to Ashley's, and we put the girls in bed and went to let out her friend's dogs (they're on vacation in Tennessee), and we headed back home and she watched episodes of Sons of Anarchy and  she scratched my head and I fell asleep for two hours. "You snored SO loud," she said, laughing.

Saturday. Jessie, Tony and I met up at The Anchor for breakfast and coffee, and then I headed up to Mom & Dad's to drive the stick-shift to Christmas in New Carlisle. Ams served as my co-pilot, and she said it seemed as if I'd been driving stick forever. "When I tried to learn, I kept stalling it out and had to stop because I couldn't stop crying." Lunch was served at Grandma and Grandpa's, and we celebrated Hannah's engagement. I left early and rendezvoued with Ashley at the Hobbit Hole for an evening of oil lanterns, candles, laughter and conversation, and a trip to UDF just to act all manly in the stick-shift. "You literally can't stop smiling as you change gears," she said. "It's so cute!"

Sunday. I began the morning with coffee and writing at The Anchor and then headed to West Chester to spend the afternoon hanging out with Ashley, the girls, and Ams. I headed up to Mom & Dad's come evening to tinker on the Civic and enjoy chicken & dumplings paired with Criminal Minds. My night ended with an 8-Midnight shift in Blue Ash and a quiet drive home.