Ashley and I talked a lot about the things I've written on this blog. She's super supportive, understands my fears and issues, and she's pretty much been amazing in how she's handling all this. I told her how I've been scared because of my "Mandy issues" (that's the blanket term I coined) coupled with my concern for Ashley's well-being. I reiterated how nothing is guaranteed, and how I want things to move slow. I told her how my heart hasn't yet come to a point of being able to invest or echo the things she tells me. I was honest that the temptation to run is there, but that's what I don't want to do. I don't want to be like Mandy: I want to give this a fighting chance. Mandy promised she would fight and ran; I've made Ashley no promises, but I'm going to keep trying to find a way through this. It may or may not be an impasse, but if so, I'm going to make damned well sure and exhaust all possibilities before throwing in the towel.
I told her how I'm asking myself, "Should we keep moving, knowing the depth of my issues and how they affect us, hoping that they'll be resolved while we're together? Or do we end things to minimize the pain that might be caused to both of us?" I don't want to run. I want to keep seeing where this is going, if it's going anywhere, and I told her I'm scared of hurting someone as great as her. So after much deliberation and talking, we've made an agreement that might stem the tide of all these issues: basically, we're not going to spend as much time together as we have been.
Since the day we met, we've pretty much seen each other every day. There have been a few days we didn't see each other, but for the most part the cycle's been unbroken. By asking that we not spend so much time together, I wasn't saying that I didn't enjoy spending time with her, or that we could only hang out on occasion, but that most couples don't spend every day together, and having space for both people is good for us as individuals and us as a couple. Because of her past marriage and my last serious relationship, neither of us automatically think in terms of "dating". But this, what we're doing, this is dating, and we should treat it accordingly. I mentioned how I felt that having space will help foster independence: we don't know what will happen, so we mustn't let ourselves become dependent on one another. My whole life revolved around Mandy, and when it went nowhere, the whole structure collapsed. To invest in a dating relationship the same way you invest in an engagement or marriage is a recipe for disaster, because you don't have the level of commitment and trust you ought to have in an engagement or marriage. Besides: this will be good for the girls, and they mustn't be forgotten. By seeing them each and every day, they'll come to expect me to always be there. Chloe's said some things that have concerned me in that area, stuff like me being her "new Dad." I want to protect Chloe's heart (if things between Ashley and me don't work out, Zoey won't even remember), and by making sure she doesn't see me all the time, her heart can be protected.
I don't know if this will help my issues at all.
I'm really hoping it will.
A step in the right direction, at least.
(those are the things I like to tell myself)
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