11/25/14

These past months have been disappointing, on so many different levels, and it's difficult to shake the feeling that God is throwing a stick in all my gears to punish me. I have this mental picture of God looking at me with nothing short of paternal disappointment and frustration, and the contours of my life are what they are because He's revealing His displeasure by foiling my hopes and desires. And everything with Mandy? That's just the tip of the iceberg. There's a voice in my head telling me, "God is sabotaging those things that mean the most to you to punish you."

It's as if I see God as a "glass half empty" God, focusing on my failures, holding my sin against me, seeing nothing but the sins I wrestle with and the rebellious bastions still operating in my heart. It's kinda like feeling rotten and worthless, like a little bug; or you're the runt of the family, the black sheep, the odd one out, accepted by the Father but not a priority. I look at my life and I ask, "How could God be anything but disappointed in me?" Hell, I'm disappointed in myself: I'm 27 years old, reeling through the equivalent of a broken engagement with a woman I've loved like no other, and with a Bachelor of Science in religious studies I can't even get a part-time ministry job; and I'm working a dead-end job and living paycheck-to-paycheck (well, let's be honest, paycheck-to-four days before the next paycheck).

So basically I'm taking my self-perception, translating it onto God, and interpreting life through that lens. The Bible says, of course, that God is a "glass half full" kind of God: lavishly forgiving (and forgetting!) my sins, celebrating my victories, prodding me with compassion and mercy towards more decent living, and working in my life for His glory and my good, even if it doesn't make sense much of the time. It's a struggle for me to see God this way; I look at my life and see evidence of His displeasure, of His punishment, of His inattentiveness towards me. Perhaps it's difficult for me to perceive God biblically because it's likewise difficult to perceive myself biblically: yes, a sinner, but saved by grace and in good standing with my Creator. It's difficult for me to see myself this way because I'm well aware of my sins and weaknesses, of the way I can wound with my words those whom I love, how I can be so selfish and indifferent. God sees what I don't see: His Spirit in me, His Son before me, and the worth and potential of who I am in Him.