It's been five months since the Wisconsinite, overwhelmed by fear and insecurity, ran for the hills like she always did, as everyone told me she would do. There's a lot that remains to be worked through, not least of all the haunting thought that God took her away from me because I wasn't good enough. This thought-pattern (another word is stronghold) creeps into all the disappointments I face and throws a bleak mark over everything good: "Every unanswered prayer is a testament to your failure, and every blessing will be taken away because you'll never be good enough to receive it."
Don't get me wrong, I know this thought-pattern is unscriptural. I am God's child, and His disposition towards me is one characterized not by wrath but by affection and benevolence. This thought-pattern is also nonsensical: am I to believe that, in my rottenness, God has brought me to Ashley? Does she deserve less of a man than Mandy does? With all Ashley's been through, she's given herself to God, sacrifices her own wants and needs for her children, and she's remained strong in her faith. If I hold fast to the erroneous stronghold that clouds my heart and mind, the logical conclusion is that Ashley and her girls deserve less than the Wisconsinite. I simply cannot believe that.
This stronghold must be demolished by the gospel.
Yes, I am a wretched sinner.
Yes, I love God with all of me.
Yes, I am a sinner.
Yes, I stand only in grace.
There are times I ponder the presence and activities of demonic forces in our world. These forces, according to the Bible, target those who belong to God. Their schemes and lies are designed to "block our way," to prevent us from becoming the sort of people God wants us to be, to pull us away from our faith in the Creator. I can look at this stronghold and see all the ways it affects my self-perception and the way I not only perceive God but relate to Him. This may or may not be "of the devil" (I feel childish even saying it; damned if my worldview doesn't allow such things), but it's problematic no matter the source, be it unseen spiritual powers or my own fucked-up brain.
I ran across a quote the other day that struck at me. Elizabeth Elliot (whoever she is) writes, God never withholds from His child that which His love and wisdom call good. God's refusals are always merciful--'severe mercies' at times, but mercies all the same. God never denies us our heart's desire except to give us something better. If I picture God as being vengeful and wrathful towards me, then I can easily interpret the break-down of all my hopes and dreams with the Wisconsinite coming from His hand not for my benefit but for my pain. The break-down of all that we planned, the brutal thrashing I endured under her decision to cast me aside, comes as God's judgment on me. I can start thinking that she was the One, but in my wretchedness God knew she deserved better. But I stand in Christ. The Apostle Paul is clear: God is a loving Father who knows what's best for us, and sometimes He steers us in directions we wouldn't choose because He knows that down those paths lie better for us. Half the battle is accepting that (a) God does care for us and does have our best interests at heart, and believing that (b) He knows what He's doing even when we think we know what's best for us.
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