*a conversation*

I've been dreaming about Mandy a lot, as in most nights. I wake up at like 6 AM unable to go back to sleep, haunted by memories. I told Ashley, "I wish my dreams were under my control. I just want to forget her, to be freed from everything that happened so I can be everything you need me to be and everything I want to be for you. Mandy, she did a number on me, and there are so many consequent issues and I want them to be resolved, and I want to be free but it's not happening as fast as I wish and pray for."

She told me she understands that kind of pain, and the consequences that come from something like what happened throughout the first half of the year. 

I told her, "I pray daily that God will heal my heart so that I can love you the same way I loved her. You deserve that kind of love so much. And I feel so damned shitty that my heart seems to be on lockdown, like there's a barrier or obstacle I just don't seem to be able to jump. And it scares me, because what if these issues are terminal? What if they're not going to go away? What if I'm so irrevocably damaged by her that my heart is unable to open up that way again? I know that for me love takes time. It took years for me to love her. And it's dumb for me to expect that same kind of love to be cultivated overnight. But I wish it could be. And it scares me because we're dating and growing close and there's nothing guaranteed, and if things don't work out we will both be so deeply hurt. The very thought of hurting you and the girls terrifies me and pains me like nothing else. All three of you deserve so much love."

"Maybe God brought us together because we understand each other's pain," she said. "I have parts of me that are afraid to give my heart away again, because I'm terrified of being hurt again. The broken heart Jonathan left me with is more painful than any physical abuse I endured from him."

I'm so afraid of hurting her after everything she'd endured. I love how close she and Ams are becoming, but that scares me, too, because if things don't work out, I don't want it to cost her a good friendship with Amanda. Ams, she's a great friend to have (that's why she's my bestest). 

"Every day I'm with you," Ashley said, "makes me need you more and more in my life. You mean more to me than any amount of money or thing in life could offer. I don't even notice other men around, or even have the desire to talk with them. All I want is you broken or not."

I laughed and told her I'm a fucked up, broken human being with more issues than are desirable.

"What you give me," she said, "is more desirable than anything the world can offer. I don't see you that way at all. We can be broken together. I mean for goodness' sake, maybe we hold the pieces for each other to make us whole again. There are so many fucked up people in the world, but if I could choose one to be with, it would be with you. You're so compassionate, loving, understanding, sympathetic, and you give of yourself constantly, both to me and my girls. You've been far more a father to them than their own father has ever been. You're not as broken as you feel: you're a strong, amazing man who is worth so much and who offers so much. Ninety-five percent of the men in this world are self-loving, self-serving, manipulative assholes. You're not like that at all. Mandy was an absolute fool to give you up, especially since she loved you. It makes me think that she doesn't have much experience dating, because if she thinks she can find someone as rare as you lickety-split, then she has another thing coming. I've dated lots of guys and even been married before, and let me assure you: you're not like most men. Your sister says she can't have a good relationship because she always compares other guys to you and finds them wanting. I know you have a hard time seeing value in yourself, especially after what Mandy did to you. I know you focus on all your flaws, short-comings, and character defects. We all have those, Anthony, and what makes you better than most is that you acknowledge your issues and faults and strive to better yourself. Most men don't give a damn about any of that."

She added, "You have brought a light to my very dark world, and you've made me feel not so scared, not so hopeless, and not so alone. I want to be here for you and help you through your struggles and hear your fears. Please don't be afraid of confiding in me. I want you to know you're safe with me, and you're always in my thoughts and prayers!"

She's a winner, that's for sure.