Ashley and I talked for a long while last night about some of the anxieties I've been having. I told her how there are obvious "issues" present that I need to work through, issues I haven't experienced before but which can be traced back to everything that happened with Mandy. I told her how I'm not yet at the point of being able to open my heart to her the way I opened it to Mandy, though I was adamant and truthful in that I do see its happening in the future as a great possibility.
Ashley was straightforward about how she feels: she's falling in love with me. "I've prayed for someone like you for SO LONG," she said. "A man who loves Jesus, who is willing and eager to lead, who loves children and believes in family, who holds conservative values, who is compassionate, caring, and sensitive to my needs. You are the only person I've dated who's shown leadership in taking me and the girls to church. That means so much to me, and to us." Part of me thinks she isn't falling for me so much as she's falling for the sort of person I am. There's no denying that there's a drastic shortage of men who love children, believe in family, and strive to lead biblically. I think she's seen that in me, and she's seen how serious such things are to me, and she doesn't want to lose that. She's dated a lot of men in her lifetime, and I guess Mom was right: "When women get older, they'll start to see those qualities that younger women treat as trivial. They'll realize how special you are." Maybe she was right, after all.
My leadership has come a long way since Mandy; I would say my leadership with her was passive, whereas my leadership with Ashley is aggressive. I'm always making the decisions and telling her how things are going to go, and she tells me her opinion on things and I take that into consideration when making decisions (a decision for what she wants rather than what I want is no less a decision). I've learned a lot since Mandy and have been putting it into practice.
I told Ashley that I won't tell her I love her until I know I do. I told her I won't tell her anything unless I actually mean it. "If I just tell you the things you want to hear, or the things I feel that I'm supposed to say, they won't be genuine. I won't you to be able to trust what I tell you." It was scary being honest with her about these things, but it's what had to be done. I didn't want to wound her with my words, with my honesty. I was adamant that I'm not giving up on us because of the fears. These are things you're supposed to work through, or at least try to work through. Too many people are eager to throw everything away at the slightest scent of fear or risk. I don't want to be that kind of person. I'm not that type of person. Besides, just as I wanted Mandy to not just be honest about her fears but also to conquer them, so Ashley wants me to be honest about the fears cropping up without me letting them control me. There's no denying the fears of hurting her, of hurting her children, the fear, even, of being unable to love for a long time in the immediate wake of everything with Mandy. But Ashley would want me to try to work through these things for the potential of what we could be beyond the hurdles in the present moment. That's the kind of person I strive to be, not easily swayed, discouraged, or thrown off-course. The sort of person who just doesn't say "relationships take hard work" but who actually engages the hard work rather than running at the first drop of sweat.
I see a lot of potential with Ashley, I really do. That's why I'm willing to try to work through these fears. I care about her so much, and I care about the girls, too. I'm constantly praying for guidance and wisdom, but that doesn't stop the anxieties. It doesn't stop the fears. Wisdom isn't found in peace but in maintaining clarity in the storm. The fool loses clarity and bucks under the waves and the rain. My words may have caused Ashley some pain, but they were words that needed to be said. And she knows I'm not running from her, and she knows I don't intend to. I intend to prayerfully and diligently work through these things.
Ashley was straightforward about how she feels: she's falling in love with me. "I've prayed for someone like you for SO LONG," she said. "A man who loves Jesus, who is willing and eager to lead, who loves children and believes in family, who holds conservative values, who is compassionate, caring, and sensitive to my needs. You are the only person I've dated who's shown leadership in taking me and the girls to church. That means so much to me, and to us." Part of me thinks she isn't falling for me so much as she's falling for the sort of person I am. There's no denying that there's a drastic shortage of men who love children, believe in family, and strive to lead biblically. I think she's seen that in me, and she's seen how serious such things are to me, and she doesn't want to lose that. She's dated a lot of men in her lifetime, and I guess Mom was right: "When women get older, they'll start to see those qualities that younger women treat as trivial. They'll realize how special you are." Maybe she was right, after all.
My leadership has come a long way since Mandy; I would say my leadership with her was passive, whereas my leadership with Ashley is aggressive. I'm always making the decisions and telling her how things are going to go, and she tells me her opinion on things and I take that into consideration when making decisions (a decision for what she wants rather than what I want is no less a decision). I've learned a lot since Mandy and have been putting it into practice.
I told Ashley that I won't tell her I love her until I know I do. I told her I won't tell her anything unless I actually mean it. "If I just tell you the things you want to hear, or the things I feel that I'm supposed to say, they won't be genuine. I won't you to be able to trust what I tell you." It was scary being honest with her about these things, but it's what had to be done. I didn't want to wound her with my words, with my honesty. I was adamant that I'm not giving up on us because of the fears. These are things you're supposed to work through, or at least try to work through. Too many people are eager to throw everything away at the slightest scent of fear or risk. I don't want to be that kind of person. I'm not that type of person. Besides, just as I wanted Mandy to not just be honest about her fears but also to conquer them, so Ashley wants me to be honest about the fears cropping up without me letting them control me. There's no denying the fears of hurting her, of hurting her children, the fear, even, of being unable to love for a long time in the immediate wake of everything with Mandy. But Ashley would want me to try to work through these things for the potential of what we could be beyond the hurdles in the present moment. That's the kind of person I strive to be, not easily swayed, discouraged, or thrown off-course. The sort of person who just doesn't say "relationships take hard work" but who actually engages the hard work rather than running at the first drop of sweat.
I see a lot of potential with Ashley, I really do. That's why I'm willing to try to work through these fears. I care about her so much, and I care about the girls, too. I'm constantly praying for guidance and wisdom, but that doesn't stop the anxieties. It doesn't stop the fears. Wisdom isn't found in peace but in maintaining clarity in the storm. The fool loses clarity and bucks under the waves and the rain. My words may have caused Ashley some pain, but they were words that needed to be said. And she knows I'm not running from her, and she knows I don't intend to. I intend to prayerfully and diligently work through these things.
No comments:
Post a Comment