the 55th week

Motley Monday. I went to The Anchor for coffee and scripture before spending the afternoon in Dayton: I grabbed a small Christmas tree from the attic and tinkered around on an Acer netbook my aunt found and decided to give me. It runs faster than my Dell, so I'm going to use the Dell as a backup and the Acer as my primary writing computer. I headed down to Ashley's through a flurry of sleet, and we spent the evening hanging out with Chloe and Zoey. Chloe loves reading and writing, and she's super excited to write a story with me. Working title: Layla the Cupcake Monster. We hashed out the plot at the kitchen table. It's a little shaky, but I think we can make something out of it. I headed home to clean and watch The Book of Eli, and Ashley came over and we were up until 2:30 AM browsing Pinterest and talking about all sorts of things. She asked a lot of questions about Mandy, which is okay: I want her to know everything she wants to know. I don't really enjoy talking about it, but at the same time it's nice to get a different perspective on things.

Testicle Tuesday. I went to Anchor Grill for coffee and scripture and hung out with Ashley before work. We fixed a healthy lunch (Asian stir fry with TONS of water chestnuts) and hung out with her mom and dad. I worked 2-8:00 PM and rounded out the evening watching episodes of House that I rented from the Blue Ash library. 

Whack-a-Mole Wednesday. I went to The Anchor for coffee and scripture and spent the afternoon hanging out with Ashley and Zoey. I worked 3-7:00 and then went back to Ashley's to see her and Amanda, who hung out there for most of the afternoon. I've spent so long praying that God will turn my love for Mandy into indifference without stopping to ask if He would do such a thing. It's common knowledge that the opposite of love isn't hate but indifference; to ask a God of Love to destroy love in your heart is basically to ask God to do that which He loathes. I've been thinking about that a lot lately, and I'm starting to pray not that God will destroy my love for her, but that He will bring me to a point where I can love her not as a romantic partner but as a woman whom I care so deeply about. I already care about her so damned much, and just the thought of hurting her, of causing her pain, of her hurting and me not being able to do anything about it... That itself causes anguish in my heart. I know one day I'll be over all this, that I'll be able to move forward without being constrained by nostalgia and regret. That day will come. It's just a matter of time. And when that day does come, I don't want my heart towards her to be stained by anger. 

Tickle-Me-Drunk Thursday. I woke early to enjoy coffee and scripture at Anchor Grill before working 8:30-4:00. I planned on going to see Ashley, but around 2:00 it started sleeting and showed no signs of letting up. I decided just to go home to be safe, and the commute took more than an hour because of traffic and scattered accidents. I took a shortcut through downtown to shave about five minutes off the commute, and I spent the evening huddled inside the Hobbit Hole with the oil lanterns glowing, watching House and reading N.T. Wright's The New Testament and the People of God. Not a bad way to spend the evening at all!

Foggy Friday. "Foggy" is an understatement: the whole day was nothing but hammering rains and settling mist. I went out to my car to drive to The Anchor to discover I had a flat. Ashley came down and took me to a Used Tire Shop off Mitchell. We traded out the flat for a used tire and ended up having to go back because the used tire had a hole in it. They patched it up real good. Frustrating, but worth saving $50. We went back to her place for a little bit, and then I headed up to Dayton to work on the Oldsmobile with Dad: there's a problem with the running lights, and we weren't able to diagnose it. The drive home took nearly an hour and a half because of traffic and drenching rains. The interstate was all but flooded. Ashley came down, and we went for a run through the rain, chowed down on chicken korma curry, watched Arrested Development, drank rum, and talked late into the night until we both passed out. These "Date Nights" without the girls are definitely cherished. The girls, though I love them, can be overwhelming. Especially that little one: she screamed in the van for a good forty minutes this afternoon.

Sasquatch Saturday. Ashley and I went to The Anchor for coffee and we prayed together before she headed home. I had Subway for lunch and watched House, and then I went up to West Chester to drink coffee and watch TV with Ashley. She gave me a phenomenal back massage, rubbing out some vicious knots that have cropped up. I worked an Overnight in Blue Ash. I fixed chicken jalfrezi with naan bread for Ben and myself, and Jason and I watched The Santa Clause with Tim Allen. Ashley swung by to see me after she finished work down the street, and I got to see Chloe. She's excited about her birthday: she'll officially be eight years old this coming Wednesday!

Sensual Sunday. I left Blue Ash at 8:00 and enjoyed coffee and scripture at Anchor Grill. The girls were with their father today, so Ashley came down and we spent the afternoon together: running the trails at Mount Echo, dining on homemade chicken tikka masala, and watching episodes of House and Arrested Development. I did some writing at The Anchor after she left, and then I worked 7:30-Midnight in Blue Ash covering for John B. I returned home, lit some oil lanterns, read some scripture and spent some time in prayer, and I was passed out by 1:30 AM.

#jurassicmeasures

Ashley and I are joining forces in our attempts to live healthy lives. We're quitting smoking (we've both smoked a lot more than usual since being together), we're eating healthy (fruits, vegetables, lean meats, and few carbs), and we're running together. Our goal is to get down to our "healthy goal weights": I have about twenty pounds to lose, and she has about thirty. There's a cool little website where you can "envision" your weight loss goal, and this is what the generator cranked out for mine:

Running isn't something either of us particularly enjoys, but it's great for the body in so many ways. Running is much easier when we're doing it together, and it's even fun. My heart works better than hers, but her legs work better than mine (she used to be a dancer), so we're pretty much neck-to-neck as we run. It's great to share this with her, a bonding experience and a way to hold one another accountable. We're both excited about it, but this Nike logo captures a lot of our feelings:

when you just wanna do it, but also not really

[books i've been reading]

The Oxford History of the Biblical World. In this impressive volume, leading scholars offer compelling glimpses into the biblical world, the world in which prophets, poets, sages, and historians created one of our most important texts--the Bible. For more than a century, archaeologists have been unearthing the tombs, temples, texts, and artifacts of the ancient Near East and the Mediterranean world. Using new approaches, contemporary scholars have begun to synthesize this material with the biblical traditions. The Oxford History of the Biblical World incorporates the best of this scholarship, and in chronologically ordered chapters presents the reader with a readable and integrated study of the history, art, architecture, languages, literatures, and religion of biblical Israel and early JUdaism and Christianity in their larger cultural contexts. [Amazon summary]

Israel & the Nations, F.F. Bruce. The story of Israel is one of the outstanding tales of human history. Israel, occupying a narrow strip of land between sea and desert, was positioned on an international highway of commerce and warfare. This was a people whose future would be intertwined with the stories of nations great and small. F.F. Bruce shapes the daunting complexities of this history, nearly fourteen hundred years from the exodus to the destruction of Jerusalem in A.D. 70, into straight prose that sparkles with clarity. More than half of the book is devoted to the postexilic history of Israel, the "intertestamental" period and the first-century history that forms the backdrop of the New Testament. [Amazon Summary]

on writing (II)

There's nothing like good reviews to fuel the fire for writing. My favorite review came from an older woman who told me she became so engrossed in one of my books that she ended up burning dinner in the oven and filling the house with smoke; a second favorite comes from a guy who exclaimed, "This cat can fucking write!" Here are a handful of other reviews (all for 36 Hours, which I self-published in 2005 and rewrote in 2010):

*  *  *

"Hello Anthony. I read 36 Hours and it was the most gripping book I have read. It knocks the socks off Stephen King and other famous horror writers. George A. Romero would have a field day turning this book into a film." - Trevor from UK

"I loved this book!!!!! You fucking rock! You took a typical zombie thriller and brought it to a whole new level. What happened at the end? I've always wanted to read a book like that. I hope you write others like this; I LOVED it!!!" - Peter

"I've never written to anyone like this in my life, and I wanted to tell you how much I loved [36 Hours]. I've been into zombies for a few years now, but I never heard of you somehow... You absolutely satisfied me with this book. Kudos, you made an awesome enough book to get me to write you." - B. Adams

"I have to say [36 Hours] was very fast-paced and made me never want to put it down." - S. Peterson

"I read your story online at work, and I just wanted to tell you that I enjoyed it immensely. I thought it was a really good zombie novel, and there are not many of them around!" - R. Marmol

"I have taken two minutes away from reading your novel 36 Hours to tell you that I only tore myself away from it long enough to eat! Needless to say that I am so engrossed that I will possibly not sleep tonight. Thank you so much for entertaining me. Rarely do I become so involved with a novel. I think I will become your new groupie! Bravo on a fun and compelling piece of work!" - L. Spiers

"I just wanted to let you know [that] I have been reading zombie stories for [years] now. I must've read over 200. I can't even begin to tell you how much I enjoyed 36 Hours. What a great, well-written story. It kept my attention the whole time from beginning to end. What I loved most is it seemed very realistic. So many zombie stories lose my attention or have fake aspects I can't overlook. I found none of that with your story... [36 Hours] has to be up there in my Top 3 Zombie Books of all time. Thanks for one hell of a kickass story!" - M. Scott

"I have just read your free version of 36 Hours and it is one of the best books I have ever read. Especially towards the end, the story develops a depth only few books and even fewer zombie movies could ever dream of attaining, making the tears of soft-hearted and romantic guys like me flowing like waterfalls. I would like to thank you very much for your great novel." - J. McAllester

"I have recently read [36 Hours] and wanted to let you know that I think it is an extremely good, well-written story. I particularly like the pacing as it really worked in building tension and excitement. In my opinion, it is only a matter of time before a major publisher picks it up." - A. Walker

"In the past year I've begun to dig into the field of zombie thrillers. I love reading, and out of the few zombie based novels I have read, and out of all that I own, this book is by far the best I've read. Every second kept me at bay, as if I were the one in such danger." - R. Freitas

*  *  *

These reviews are encouraging, to say the least.
Oftentimes I doubt my skill and talent.
Knowing that people, young and old, enjoy my work...
Well, that makes it a little more meaningful.
(and a little more worth all the effort writing takes!)

"ghost"

I keep going to the river to pray

'cause I need something that can wash all the pain

and at most I'm sleeping all these demons away

but your ghost, the ghost of you,

keeps me awake

my friends had you figured out

yeah, they saw what's inside of you

you tried hiding another you

I had to go through hell to prove I'm not insane

had to meet the devil just to know his name

give up the ghost, give up the ghost,

no more haunting baby

the 54th week

Monday. I helped Ashley get Chloe off to school, and we ran through McDonald's for some breakfast. Ashley fell asleep on the sofa at her sister's, so Keith and I hung out for a while. He's quiet but opening up, and he's definitely cool. I left West Chester around 3:30 and spent the evening in the Hobbit Hole watching episodes of The West Wing. Ams talked with Ashley a lot today, and she told me, "Ashley's seeing things about you that other women haven't seen or didn't appreciate. She has a leg up because of what she's experienced, so she knows the qualities she wants in a man. And you have those qualities. She's been through the ringer, knows the vast majority of guys out there are assholes, and she's found someone who isn't like the rest. And she's terrified of losing you."

Tuesday. I woke at 5 AM after dreams of the Wisconsinite. Unable to fall back asleep, I went to Anchor Grill for a couple hours to do some journaling, thinking, and reading. Ashley and Zoey came down for most of the morning, and then I worked 2-8:00 in Blue Ash. Ashley came over once the girls were in bed, and we were up pretty late watching TV and talking about a certain "sadness" that has come over me lately. I've been dreaming about the Wisconsinite again, and I often wake up sad and riddled with memories. It makes me feel shitty, of course, since I'm with Ashley and committed to her. I'm left wondering if I'll ever get over what Mandy did to me; and I'm also wondering if I'll ever experience a love as fierce and devoted as the love I had for her.

Wednesday. My shift with Jason was cancelled because of holiday festivities, so I spent the afternoon lounging around and watching TV. I went to Anchor Grill, and a waitress tapped me on the shoulder, said, "I think you dropped your glove." I looked down to see a sock lying at my feet; somehow it had hitched a ride into The Anchor on my clothes. Ams and I spent the evening hanging out with Ashley and her family at her sister's house: lots of cider, good conversation, wrestling with pugs, and spending quality time together.

Thanksgiving Day. Ams and I spent the afternoon in New Carlisle celebrating Thanksgiving with Dad's side of the family; it was hard, not least because it was the first holiday Mandy and I were going to spend together. The whole time I just kept thinking about how if things were different, Mandy would've been there in New Carlisle with me today. Ams and I spent the evening at Rachel's place, eating a classic Thanksgiving dinner paired with hard apple ciders, before we headed our separate ways. I told Ams, "I feel like I have so many issues that are complicating things in my head and my heart. I feel like I need to figure out right now whether or not I see a long-term future with Ashley, and I just can't see that right now. I told her from the start that things need to go slow, but I feel like, at least for her, that's not the case. I'm overwhelmed by the kids a lot of the time, and that just adds to the stress, because I'm not just building a relationship with her but with them, and if I hurt her, I hurt them, too. And to top it all off, I'm still in love with Mandy and think about her a lot and dream about her a lot, too. It's as if my heart is in lockdown mode, and it won't open. Mandy, she really did a number on me. And it makes me wonder if I'm even ready for a serious relationship, because I can't give my heart to Ashley the way she is giving hers to me. And it makes me feel like a miserable and shitty human being, because she's so awesome and deserves so much." Ams told me it'll take a while to get over Mandy; it's a long process. I'd hoped that by now, nearly six months since the break-up, all of that would be Dead & Buried. But it's never been that way with the Wisconsinite; was I naive to expect things to be different this time around? 

Black Friday. Jessie and I met up for coffee and conversation at The Anchor (she and Tony were in town for the holidays), and she helped me gain some clarity about the things I've been feeling, and helped me see that I don't have anything to be ashamed about. I haven't done wrong by Ashley. The rest of my day was spent hanging out with Dylan and Tyler at Tyler's place in Mason. Dylan's girlfriend Nicole was there, so it was good to meet her. We had a really good time, and I talked to Ashley for a while on the phone before bed.

Saturday. Chloe and Zoey spent the day with their father, so Ashley came down to the Hobbit Hole and we watched The Book of Eli. We talked a lot about the scary things that have been going on in my head. She was really supportive and not surprised at how stressed I've been feeling. She looked into my eyes as I talked and started crying, and she said, "Anthony, your eyes, they don't even look alive." I got a little emotional as I talked (read: I cried a little), and she held me as I talked about how hard it's been losing Mandy, how it continues to be hard, how I don't feel capable of being a good partner. I told her how I feel shitty about this, how I feel that I should be over Mandy, that she should be filed away into my past, but because I'm not, and because my love for her affects our relationship, I feel I am not good enough, and certainly not what she deserves. "You always focus on the things you aren't instead of the things you are," she said, "and for all your brokenness and pain, you've been so wonderful to me and the girls. The fact that you can be feeling so much pain, and be wrestling with so much stress, and yet not blink in making sure you treat us well... That says a lot more than your brokenness ever could." We've decided (per my initiative) to spend less time together. I'm hoping this will help me find some clarity and peace of mind, and it'll help protect the girls' hearts, and Ashley's heart, as well. There's no way for me to see where this is going, or if it's even going anywhere, with the murky and clouded state of my heart. Everything's ambiguous, except for the memories of the Wisconsinite and everything we had. Those remain in sharp focus with HD color. I can't help but wonder if Ashley is crazy for not running from me.

Sunday. I served coffee at U.C.C. and tried to take a nap, but memories from the first half of the year kept assaulting me. My heart was a tumult, and I headed up to West Chester. The moment Ashley wrapped her arms around me, I felt better. The day ended up being good: we took the girls to Amanda's apartment for a delicious dinner of Mac & Cheese (a mix of spirals and shells!) and chicken kabobs with onions and peppers. Ashley and Ams hung out for a couple hours after I headed down to Winton Ridge to watch the mid-season finale of The Walking Dead. Ashley and I talked on the phone for a while before bed, and again she addressed how I so often feel like a failure, how I feel like an awful human being, and how I've attributed the events of June 16th in the light of my own sins and missteps. "You've cancelled your plans when I've needed to see you. You've talked on the phone with me late at night when you'd rather be sleeping because you knew it was important to me. You've planned things with me and the girls, and you treat them better than their own father does. You've told me I'm beautiful, over and over and over again, when no one else has. You've never criticized me or said negative things about me. You may not see how much that says, but I do." She added, "You always talk about your flaws and how you're unfit for a good woman, but no one else sees that. Your sister, who knows you better than anyone, says no one deserves love more than you do, and I think she's right. You just focus on those things you aren't, or those things you could be better at, rather than those things you ARE, those things you're AMAZING at. You're convinced God took Mandy away from you because you weren't good enough for her, but I can't even fathom that. Any woman would be so damned lucky to have a man like you. From what I've heard from your sister, Mandy didn't treat you well, and she took you for granted. She really did: had she seen what I see, if she had any experience in dating men, she wouldn't have pushed you away. She would've clung to you for dear life." 

2014: the final month

The End of 2014 Countdown has begun!
T-Minus 31 Days.
"Hey 2015, don't suck as much as 2014, and we'll be good."
It's funny: 2014 started off so good, and then it got REALLY shitty.
But that's how it goes sometimes. #everydamnedyear
(and yet, somehow, I remain optimistic)

Mayhill Church of Christ contacted me: I got the votes I needed in the revote two Sundays ago, but older members of the church argued that since the bylaws said nothing about revotes, a revote wasn't legal. This is twice that the church has been embroiled in controversy over me. I could almost feel special. The elder in contact with me said that they reached a compromise: in January, they're going to bring me back in for yet another trial run, and they'll bring in two new people as well to "compete." Then the elders will choose who they want to put before the church, and so long as none of the other two try-outs don't blow me out of the water, I'll come before the church for a third time. I told him that's fine; it isn't optimal, and it's pretty frustrating, but any frustration I feel is exponentially more frustrating for the leadership team. The fact that I have to go through the whole "try out" again when the leadership team already chose me seems a little childish, but at least I'll get $200 for the try-out. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and making some heavy prayers, so hopefully 2015 will find me being a preacher in a podunk country church smack-dab in the middle of a nature preserve. I wouldn't be upset about that!

I haven't written nice things about the Wisconsinite these past few weeks, and I feel shitty about it, even if this is a private blog. Driving home the other night, I thought about how the things I've said and written may have affected her. I don't ever want her to doubt her worth, beauty, and value, and I really hope I haven't caused any "issues" similar to those I've been dealing with. Getting over someone is a process, and the process involves suppressing all the good and great memories and focusing on the flaws and problems to create a caricature. The caricature isn't an accurate portrait but a fabrication brewed in the context of grief and hurt. The logic is that by shedding the rose-colored lenses (the lenses that focus on the good and trivialize the bad) and putting on a different set of lenses that focus on the bad and trivialize the good, you can come to terms with what happened and believe that you're better off for it. It's Psychology 101: the coping mechanisms of a wounded heart. 

There are bad days.

And then there are good days.

The good days will increase.

The bad days will decrease.

The healing of a wounded heart takes time, and patience.

And you know what? I'm glad to have Ashley at my side through it.

I really don't deserve someone as patient, caring, and understanding as her.