we're moving on (or trying to)...

There comes a time when we must face the reality that we try so hard to mask. It would be easier and more enjoyable if this were not how it was, but I can’t control destiny. Sometimes I wonder if I even believe in destiny. Life happens. We change, evolve, transform. Relationships come and go, some lasting longer than others, some here and gone before we can take a breath. In the end, we cannot change anyone’s will. We may wish that they see things from our perspective, but it doesn’t always work out that way. We can hope and dream and dare to believe that our greatest desires will come to fruition, but life doesn’t play by our rules.

I must face the fact that Courtney and I are over. It is a difficult reality to face, but I would be doing myself an injustice if I were to continue blinding myself. What we had was wonderful. I’ve never felt so alive and joyful and content than when I lay enfolded in her arms. The memories constantly assail me, but I know that time heals such things. I reflect on Julie, how the memories never seemed to leave me. Remembering my time with Julie brings only apathy. I simply don’t care. It hurts for me to take a breath and continue living my life without Courtney by my side. I made mistakes that I regret, and it is difficult to forgive myself. Accepting God’s forgiveness and forgiving oneself are often two entirely different animals. My time with Courtney was beautiful, and I am deeply sad it is over. I wish she saw things from my point-of-view, I wish she saw that we could have that beauty again. But she doesn’t see that way. Can I blame her? No. We’ve both gone through wildly different experiences since we last saw one another, and the way we perceive “us” has changed. It is sad, really sad. I only hope I can move on, too.

I must be going to bed. I am going to Kentucky tomorrow. I was going to see Courtney tomorrow, but I don’t think that’s happening. It would be good—too good—for me to bear. A moment of clarity in a shattered world. Wonderful yet deadly. Such would be our time together. I must begin bandaging my wounds and preparing for the unknown road ahead of me. I only hope that my romantic life will be better this coming year than the last. As a side-note, it is odd to think that I went from having no girlfriends in nineteen years to having four (Sonja, Julie, Jessica, Courtney) in a nine-month period. I only hope I can find a girl who has the nerve to stand by me.