on truth

I have been pondering the concept of Truth for a little while now. I am taking a class that surveys different interpretations of truth, and this class jogs my mind and makes my little brain turn and giggle.

"What is truth?"
"Can truth be discerned?"
"If truth can be discerned, where can we find it?"

I believe truth is that which is true. Yet this definition is not adequate, for you can never define something by using the word itself as the definition. Thus I will define truth as that which is real, that which is actual.

Some people do not believe that truth can be determined. We are merely humans, and we make mistakes all the time. Our reason and intellect are flawed. Some have gone so far as to say that truth is relative to our own wishes, wants, biases, and opinions. This degradation of truth into an experiential realm is due in part to a reaction against the failure of humanistic ideals: the pure humanist believed that Man, by his reason, could decipher the universe and discover truth. When this failed, humanistic ideals began to crumble. But I believe that truth can be discerned.

I believe that truth can be found in the Bible. I am a Christian. I believe the Bible is the Word of God. I believe that God used individuals throughout history, guided by the Holy Spirit, to write down what God wanted to be written down. The Bible doesn't tell us everything. But what it does tell us, I believe, we can accept as facts. But then another problem arises: when we read and interpret the Bible, we become prone to vastly different interpretations of what the scriptures are saying. So who is right? Who is wrong? If truth is absolute, and if A being true means that B and C and D and E are not true, how are we to discern between A and B,C,D, and E? It really is quite the conundrum.

contentment :)

Karen came with me to church today. It has been a long time since I went to Southwest, and it was good to see some people. We talked for a while with Jimmy, and with Dr. Joe, and I got to see Megan, and that was exciting. I chatted with Boomer for a little while: I am going to start teaching again come April. I would be teaching earlier, but Southwest is going through the 40 Days of Purpose series, so the curriculum is wired towards that right now, and Boomer wants the students in together and not divided between Junior and Senior High. Boomer is going to let me write my own curriculum, and that’s exciting. I absolutely loathe ready-made curriculums, unless I am allowed to completely change them. My teaching style goes against what most curriculums employ. 

Life is going well. 

Things are getting better. 

Life isn’t perfect, but it never will be. 

But even though it’s not perfect, I’m content. 

And that’s really saying something.

of withdrawal and verbatim

Karen and I went to Barnes & Nobles after work to do some homework. I wrote a 12-page paper and she studied for some upcoming tests. She graduates in May with her bachelors in psychology, and she’s applying for entrance into the Master’s program for counseling at C.C.U. (she would start fall of next semester). It’s a little strange for me to be dating someone so close to graduating. But it’s a good strange. Anyways, while we were at Barnes & Nobles, I had a very good story idea. I explained it to her, and she really liked it. I took some shorthand notes and typed them out and saved them to my computer (my time is dedicated to Dwellers of the Night right now). Karen has read some of my work and likes it. She said, “You’re a writer, that’s for sure.” I liked that. She’s right. Writing is a lifeblood for me; when I go for long periods of time without writing, it feels as if I’m going through withdrawal. 

We went to her place for a little bit afterwards. Her mom and dad like me. Her dad didn’t like her other boyfriends, but he likes me. He says I’m kind and gentle. Karen and I sat in her living room and talked with her dad for a little while. He is a lot like my dad: overprotective, a little anal about the weirdest things, stuff like that. It cracks me up to watch Karen and her dad interact: it’s like watching Amanda and my dad interact, almost verbatim.

I won’t see Karen till sometime Sunday afternoon. I’m going to her house before working 6-9:00 in the Hilltop Sunday evening. I would be with her tonight, but she is at a youth sponsor’s annual meeting and it lasts several hours. Sarah was going to come up tonight and hang out for a little while, but the roads were too icy: lots of the country roads have turned to sheets of ice due to the ice-storm last night and the freezing cold tonight. The ice from yesterday melted today, then froze over once more. So I’m not going anywhere. But that’s okay. Tomorrow I’ll be spending the night at Ashlie’s apartment with her and Hank (one of my best friends). I’m expecting good times. It should be a good weekend. And I want to write a lot on Chapter Five of Dwellers of the Night. *sigh* I miss Karen. I’ve spent a lot of time with her over the last week, and it’s sad I won’t see her for about 48 hours. Oh well. I guess I’ll survive.

meet karen

I have been friends with Karen for nearly two years. I met her through the Hilltop Café, where both of us work. She was always quiet and shy, so I never really got to know her. We started hanging out outside of work, and it was at The Anchor Grill in Covington one evening where it hit me like a sledgehammer: “I like this girl.” I didn’t really know what to think. Getting to know her has been fun, and the more I got to know her, the more I came to like her. She transformed from just another friend to something much, much more. I went to bed that night thinking about her, and the idea of dating her seemed wild and crazy, but at the same time I was strangely comfortable with it. We continued hanging out, and a few days later, she became my girlfriend. Since then we have been hanging out a lot, doing homework, going to parks, grabbing food. We went to the Krohn Conservatory at Eden Park this morning after class. It is wild how comfortable I am with her: I can be my strange, quirky self. It is strange how comfortable I am in her arms, but it’s nothing I would trade. I told Karen, “This is totally unexpected, but it’s wonderfully beautiful.” She agrees.  

Sarah is writing a special scene for Dwellers of the Night. We’re going to Barnes & Nobles later today to look over and share some thoughts. She knows the material very well. I shared another story idea with Karen—it would possibly be called Shadows in the Ashes—and she thinks it is a very interesting idea. I’ve been perusing it over my head, but not too much, because Dwellers of the Night is the focus. It will be available through Amazon and Barnes & Nobles sometime in the summer or in mid-December.

the week I started dating Karen

Karen & me, from Cox Arboretum

Monday. This evening I went to Brandy's. Artie, Lindsey's ex, was there. We hung out, played some games, laughed our asses off. Artie left, and Brandy & I went out onto her balcony apartment to smoke and talk. The snow fell really hard. We talked about our dreams and desires and pondered when we first met, Corinthians class last semester. I got back to campus right as it started to sleet. Earlier Trista and I went shopping and I got three silly Hawaiian t-shirts. Trista said, "I bet Courtney and Kyle are having sex." Yeah, that made me feel great.

Tuesday. The snow came down in torrents all day and we had a 2-hour delay. Valentine's Day is Thursday. That's depressing. I worked 1-4 at the Hilltop, had Biology with Monica and Rob from 6-9, and then spent the rest of the night working on The Procyon Strain and going on cold late-night drives down Route 50. Probably not a good idea with all the snow, but I can only smoke off-campus. And I like to smoke on my "writing breaks."

Wednesday. I worked 4-7:30 with Karen R. and Isaac. Good times. I locked my keys in my car, and Marshall, the security guard, bailed me out. I got him a free drink at the Hilltop. Karen K., who works at the Hilltop, went to The Anchor Grill with me for cigarettes and good conversation. We were there from 8:00 to 10:30. She won free tickets to a hotel room in Las Vegas and we may be going together over Spring Break.

Valentine's Day. Karen and I chatted over AIM and via tezxts till 3:00 in the morning. I'm 90% sure she's interested in me. She told me I was sweet, and that she feels safe and comfortable with me, things like that. I don't know if the feeling's reciprocal. She seems cool, though... Karen and I went to Mount Echo. It was cold and windy. We stood at the overlook and watched the city quiet in the morning mist, cigarettes between our fingers. She worked from 12-2:00, and when she got off we went to Eden Park, followed by a joyride through the hills of northern Kentucky and another pit-stop for dinner at The Anchor Grill. We headed off to Knob Park to talk. We both played dumb. Soon we were holding hands, then we were kissing, then we were just holding one another quietly... At least until a police car pulled up and the officer scolded us for being on private property. We smoked on our way back to campus. She's a commuter, so I called her to make sure she got home okay. She said, "You gave me hickies," to which I replied, "I'm sorry, and if it's any consolation, I enjoyed giving them to you."

Friday. I grabbed Chinese for lunch. Karen got her Celtic clover tattoo touched up, and I went with her. My tire blew out on Glenway, so I had to nab the spare. Karen picked me up at 7:30 and we went to a business complex in Blue Ash to pick up her Vegas tickets. We pretended to be engaged to get them. We went to The Anchor Grill, followed by a trip to the Cincy overlook Trista showed me last year, over in Mount Adams. Karen asked me to be her boyfriend and I agreed. Some kids surprised us so we laughed and left. Driving took us to a turnoff at Mount Aries, and we were busted by a cop yet again. Two nights in a row! I didn't head home from her place till about 4:00 in the morning, and I saw a poor woman sobbing on the side of the road. Compassion overwhelmed me so I gave her a ride, and then got robbed. They stole my money, my lighter, and even my cigarettes.

Saturday. Karen came up and met the family. Mom fixed dinner, and we went to Dairy Queen for ice cream. At Barnes & Noble I got two Cormac McCarthy books. We built a fireplace in the heart and laid in front of it, talking and cuddling. It was magical.

Sunday. Karen & I went to Cox Arboretum and walked around, a beautiful day. We went to her place just as some storms rolled through. We watched "Legends of the Fall" and I met her parents. They both really like me.

an interesting day

Let me tell you about my day yesterday. 

Karen got her celtic three-leaf clover tattoo touched up in the afternoon, so I went with her. She went to baby-sit her niece and nephew, and while I was out running a check to the bank, my front right tire blew out. I had to drive slowly back to campus and am thankful I made it into the overflow parking lot. Karen came to campus around 7:00, and I went with her to some business complex in Blue Ash where she received her free package: two round-trip airline tickets to Las Vegas and two hotel suites, all expenses paid for. She won it at Reds Fest. We went back and put the spare on my tire (I had everything except the jack to lift the car, so she had to spot me on that one). We then went out to eat at the Anchor Grill, then went to a city overlook near Eden Park. 

It was at that spot that we became boyfriend and girlfriend. I’m really excited. On the way home last night, I got robbed. Long story short, they ran off with only fifteen bucks (I had the rest of my money stashed away).

It was an interesting day.

02/04/08 - 02/10/08

Monday. I went to Mt. Echo today to spend some time in prayer. I've been really depressed lately, and it's just getting worse. All I want to do is curl into a ball and sleep. This misery has been going on for years. I can't live like this. I keep hoping and praying that things will get better, but they only get worse. How can I live like this? I went to the Hilltop and talked to Nate and Karen, told them what's been going on. Nate was glad to do know how I was doing and Karen said she'd keep me in her prayers. I spent the evening at Mom & Dad's, and Monica called so I went into the garage where it was warm from the cold and not around Mom & Dad so I could talk to her about how I've been doing. I don't like to tell Mom & Dad cause they get sick from worry and it serves no purpose.

Tuesday. My psychiatrist appointment went well. I told my doctor, "When I'm on my medicine, I'm not depressed, but I'm numb. I have no passion, no happiness, no energy. I can't put efforts into my relationships." She's upping my anti-depressant medication. I spent the afternoon at Mom & Dad's watching "Family Guy" and writing. It stormed really hard and all the lights went out by the interstate. I made it back to Cincinnati in time for Biology. Monica's eyes were all swollen, and she was in a bad mood. I was exhausted, so I went to bed, but only after talking to Sarah and Brandy for a while.

Wednesday. I dreamt Courtney & Kyle were going away for Spring Break and that she was rubbing her romance in my face. I woke up sad. It's been nearly seven months since I held her in my arms, and I'm still aching. I pray God will bring a good girl into my life. Amanda told me, "I cried last night because of you. But it was a good cry." I asked why, and she said, "My friend Brea walked up to me and said that she felt the Spirit telling me that God is going to take care of you, that everything is going to be okay, that He wants you to know that He's right beside you." Chills ran up my spine: Brea didn't even know Ams had a brother. I spent the morning drinking coffee at the Hilltop and working on "The Procyon Strain." Larry says it sounds like a fantastic book with a great plot. Ashlie called me today. That was good, we're probably hanging out this weekend. I worked 7:30-8:30 for Mandy Thomas, then worked on a paper due tomorrow. I chatted with Brandy and Lindsey before bed.

Thursday. I had lunch in the Hilltop after class, then crawled down to my room to work on my paper for Angels & Demons. I took Monica to Wal-Mart for some supplies for a class she's teaching tomorrow and then spent the evening working on "The Procyon Strain." Tomorrow I'm picking up Ams from school as a surprise; she thinks Mom's coming to get her.

Friday. Courtney says she's in love with Kyle. Bah. What makes him better than me? He's cuter. In a band. Popular. Oh, wait, he's got everything going for him. It's been seven months, Anthony: get over it. I am, albeit slowly. I surprised Ams by picking her up from her campus at Anderson. Ams drove the way back so I slept. We got home and I took another nap. Sarah came up here, to my place, for a grand meal at Olive Garden, coffee at Starbucks, and lots of laughter with Mom, Dad, and Amanda. She likes my family, and my family likes her. She'd be the perfect girlfriend.

Saturday. Brandy invited me over to her place tonight, but I already had plans. Missy, her roommate, "likes" me, and I think she may be trying to hook us up. It was a beautiful day: not too cold, blue skies, low clouds, high sun. I spent the afternoon writing while Mom & Amanda went shopping. Mom fixed a delicious dinner, and then Ams & I went to Ashlie's apartment for a grand ol' time. The Prizm was towed: apparently we'd parked in Residential Restricted Parking, despite there being NO signs indicating such. So Mom & Dad came out around 2 AM to bail us out. It was $95 out of Ams' pocket, since she parked it. The tow-man quipped, "Thanks for your business!" Haha.

Sunday. We had a "Family Meeting" today about my language. I use swear words from time-to-time (e.g. shit, ass, damn) and Mom got upset. I politely told her, "I'm 20 years old, 21 in less than a month, and I can choose how I wish to speak. I only speak that way in certain situations, and never when it's inappropriate." She was satisfied. Ams says, "I wish Sarah liked you." Me, too. I wish Brandy liked me. That'd be fantastic. I didn't go to church this morning, and Dad fixed us grilled cheese and vegetable soup for lunch. I returned to campus, and Sarah & I went to Barnes & Noble for coffee and good conversation. She read part of "The Procyon Strain", really liked it. Brandy & I had a long-winded conversation over AIM: I told her about Courtney, my bipolar issues, and traumatic experiences as a child. Oh: I got a ticket for listening to headphones on the highway.

surprise (and delight!)

I went to Amanda’s campus—Anderson University—yesterday afternoon and surprised her. She thought Mom was picking her up. I went to Decker Hall to try and find her, and her roommate spotted me. She told Amanda, “I swear I saw someone who looked exactly like your brother.” I was talking with Danielle, a friend from my elementary-school days who also goes to Anderson, when Amanda called and asked, “Are you on campus?” I lied through my teeth. She said, “Oh. Okay. ‘Cause Kristyn says she saw someone who looks exactly like you. Wild blond hair. Kinda chubby. Dirty jeans. And an ugly leather jacket.” Thanks, Kristyn. When Amanda came down to the Haven to grab some food, I surprised her. She drove back home, so I slept. 

Sarah came up last night. I really didn’t expect her to; Mom said she wanted to meet her, so I sent Sarah a text saying, “Come up and we can get food and you can meet my family!” And, surprisingly, she did! Good times were shared. A delicious meal at Olive Garden, coffee from Starbucks, perusing the Centerville night life (fun times, let me tell ya), then lots of laughter and excitement back home with my little sister. She didn’t leave till 1:00, which sucked for her, cause she had to wake up early today to go to work. At least she only lives half an hour away.

My plans for today are as follows: work on The Procyon Strain; see “There Will Be Blood” with Dad; and enjoy a delicious home-cooked chicken-and-rice meal with Ashlie and Amanda at Ashlie’s apartment near Wright State. Tomorrow I have church, followed by a possible hang-out with Dewenter, and then I head back to campus to *hopefully* hang out with Brandy at Barnes & Nobles. We’ll see how that goes.

here it goes...

I had a meltdown several days ago. I went to the doctor’s, and they changed my medicine. I’ve been feeling much better. Apparently we needed to increase the anti-depressant medicine, so we simply doubled that. Things have been going well ever since. I have a lot of homework due in the next couple weeks. Research papers, book reports, etc. It seems that I don’t have the time to do all this—but yet I still find time to slack off. Some exciting things are developing, primarily: An internship this summer!