autumn or bust

It's autumn or bust. No more waiting, no more longing, just bathing in the fall season and trying to forget that it's essentially just everything dying as winter approaches. Interesting note: "autumn" is the correct term, "fall" is the slang term that's been incorporated into American English. I know these things, and I don't know why. I've finally dragged my autumn/winter clothes down from Dayton. Half of them are too big because I've lost weight, half of them are too small because they're 100% cotton and have shrunk. It's hard to get a decent rhythm going, but that's okay, because Mandy and I are going to the store sometime this week. Grabbing some new jeans and maybe a classy sweatshirt. At this point I'm basically relying on Mandy to give me sweatshirts as she loses weight. 

I see no point in writing about my activities this weekend (thus far) since I'll be doing that sometime early next week in my weekly "update" on daily life. But why should all the focus be on me (other than the fact that it's my blog)? Here's something Dylan threw together for me, an update from his time in Mozambique. I miss that kid. You can also read this on his blog, www.dylanyosick.com. It's his name, piece of cake to remember. Here we go:

Well I’ve been in Mozambique for almost 4 months now. It feels like it’s gone by so quickly but in many ways it seems like such a long time ago when I hugged my family goodbye and boarded my plane, leaving my Dayton, Ohio a tiny spec in the distance. My experience thus far, very generally, has been much better than I expected. I had braced myself for a constant day to day struggle, but instead, my experience has been peppered with highs and lows, manageable but still very difficult at times. I’ve stood up and met head-on the challenges I’ve faced so far with sweat (lots of this) and admittedly some tears.

By far, the most difficult thing for me has been missing the people I love so much at home. I think that’s a pretty normal feeling to have and to struggle with. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about these feelings of homesickness. I’ve come to realize that I need to let go of my home, if only for these next couple of years. The reason why I’m struggling so much with making my little corner of Mozambique home is because I’m still grasping for something I can’t have right now. I’m fighting and fighting but all I need to do is…let go.

It’s been hard for me to live here knowing so much has already happened to my family and friends back home. Friends have moved to different cities, gotten new jobs, gotten married. To many back home it seems that I’ve moved on to bigger and better things; followed my dreams and left America in a way that seemed like a movie ending; flying off into the distance. It was the opening of a new chapter for me, leaving old things behind moving towards the bright light of achieving my hopes and dreams. In all reality, I have moved on, but I’m struggling to let go. It’s scary, the thought of letting go, but I’m trying so desperately to keep a firm grip on the relationships I left, doing my best not to let the 9,000 miles that separate us change the way things used to be.

It hasn’t been easy, but I think I’m finally accepting that I need to let go, that I need to make my home here now with new friends and new family. None of this means that I have forgotten anyone back home or people have forgotten me. People inevitably move on when you’re not in their lives for such a long time. It’s just what happens. Some will, but other relationships are too strong to be forgotten and I will have the pleasure of picking up with them right where we left off when I return. This is my challenge, something I need to overcome, and with time, I will. It has only proven to shown me how much love I have for these people.

I have to remind myself, every day, how much I wanted this when I was stuck in my cubicle. It seems the phrase “the grass is always greener on the other side” has never rung truer for me. It’s hard to remember how I felt back then, but often times, I get a glimpse of my past desperation and desire to leave my job (though it was great) and get into the Peace Corps. I saw it as a new beginning for me, I just didn’t realize how hard it would be to actually be here for two years and say goodbye to those that I loved so much.

Despite all of this, I’ve had the most amazing experiences here. I really have forgotten what it’s like to be in America. I don’t remember what’s it’s like to have running water or air conditioning. I don’t remember what it’s like to go into a store and have to choose between 55 different types of shampoo, to have any food you want just a car ride away (even cheese!). I’ve learned to live in harmony my 90 degree home with my many bug friends. I forget what it’s like to fade into the crowd; there’s not a day when I’m not gawked at or called something that, in all reality, is racist, just for being white in Mozambique. These are the things I have gotten used to. I remember coming into Mozambique, terrified, now I’m able to confidently walk into the central market in my town and buy food surrounded by 100 staring eyes and hear “Branco!” and not care less. I’m actually almost starting to like this place. It’s amazing how you can get used to something when you stick with it and choose to push through. A friend once told me that “home is where you make it” and I’m finding this to be true here.

Mozambique is truly a beautiful country and despite what it sounds like, most people I’ve met are very kind and I have had numerous people open up their homes to me. I’ve been fed by people who literally have nothing and learned what true hospitality and generosity is. It also helps that almost every child here is unbelievably cute.

Every time I walk into our office and see the huge World Vision logo painted on the side of the building, I still am amazed that I was placed with them. Who would have ever thought that the organization I had so much respect for, applied to 4 times, and would have given anything to work with would be the organization I was placed with, many thanks to Peace Corps. My job is pretty spelled out for me which is rare. I am working with 4 groups of junior farmer groups (they closely resemble 4H or Future Farmers of America clubs) composed of 50-60 orphans and vulnerable children. They were taught by the previous Peace Corps Response Volunteer on agriculture and planting their own gardens. They wanted me to add a health component for them. Over these next two years I will be teaching these kids about Malaria, hygiene, HIV/AIDS, nutrition, self esteem and more while including fun games and activities.

I’ve met these kids once and they were amazing. Unfortunately we’ve had some issues with transportation so I haven’t been back to see them. I’m sure, as with everything here, with more time we will figure something out. One phrase that I’ve been using in my daily life here has been, “It will work out and it will get done.” Most things do seem to work out in the end and I think a lot of the frustration that we sometimes experience is due to our response to our circumstances. A lot of things I go through every day here are tough, but it’s my choice how to respond.

These past 4 months, I’ve been more lonely than I’ve ever been in my life, homesick, hot, sweaty, uncomfortable, gone hungry, accosted and harassed everyday for being white, but I don’t regret coming here one bit. I can already say this was one of the best decisions I ever made in my life though sometimes I need to remind myself of that. Despite the difficulties I’ve faced here, I’m learning more and more everyday about myself, my community, and how most of the rest of the world lives.

It’s weird; I’ve gotten somewhat used to the poverty here. It doesn’t affect me as much as it once did when everything felt so new. I’ve been thrust into the world of development work and it’s been frustrating and complicated at times. Sometimes I wonder what good I can do, the problems seem insurmountable; but then I think, if only I get to be a positive role model in the lives of these kids and teach them some things they can use to better themselves, I’ve done something that’s worthwhile. I’ll end with a quote by Teddy Roosevelt that has very much inspired me (I’m all about the quotes): “Do what you can, where you are, with what you have.”