a doctor's visit

After an amazing lunch at Dusmesh with Rob, Andy, and Amos, I booked it up to Dayton and met up with my doctor, who happens to also be an elder at my home church and a friend. The clinic was closed but he unlocked the door and we went to a room, and he checked up on some stuff I've been concerned about. (1) My heart, since I've been having chest pains and chest tightness, shortness of breath, dizziness, etc. We both came to the conclusion--more-so he than I--that it's mostly stress-induced and exacerbated by the heavy amounts of caffeine I intake on a daily basis. He said it's nothing to be concerned about, and the pain with the double-skips is unfortunate and annoying more than anything. He said I could go on some meds to stop the pain, but it's not too big a deal since I know it's not a problem. And (2) I had some strange pains in my nether-regions, and he checked those out and said they were in tip-top shape and that the pains were probably due to hypersensitivity. So, all in all, a clean bill of health. It's relieving, it really is.

After all the medicinal things were out of the way, we spent a good hour just catching up and talking about all sorts of things. Back when I lived in Dayton we'd meet up for coffee or hit up steak-houses, and he and Dad are like best buds, so he always hears things about me through the grapevine. He asked how things were going with me spiritually, since we've always enjoyed such conversations, and I filled him in on some things that I've been "coming to terms with", so-to-speak.

1) The majority of my Christian life has been spent believing that (a) I was called to ministry and (b) that unless I did ministry, I'd be forsaking my calling and thus forsaking God. It was a very legalistic strain-of-thought, and when I came to realize that not only was I unsure about my own desires to go into ministry, some of the most basic elements of pastoral ministry would be overwhelming for an INFP like myself. Couple that with the fact that I want to get married one day, and with ministry marriages already strained by ministry, the effect could very well be exponentially multiplied for a guy like me. Realizing, too, that I have had a skewed perception of vocation and duty to God, I've found myself with deepening desires to really pursue God and work for his kingdom in whatever way I can. At the same time, having gotten a bachelor's in something I may not end up doing is a scary thought. So right now I'm wrestling with what I want to do with my life, and within that, how I want to serve God's kingdom doing what I'm doing.

2) Tying into the first "hot topic", for the longest time I believed that God had some sort of blueprint for my life, some orchestrated plan that would unfurl perfectly. Call it destiny, fate, whatever you want, but I believed in it lock-stock-&-barrel. But a little critical thinking, spurned by varying experiences and conversations and meditations over the years, drew me to the conclusion that there is no scriptural evidence for God having any sort of plan for every person. Critical thinking also led me to surmise that, chances are, there's no divine plan for my life. With all that said, I could no longer cling to the idea of Destiny as a source of strength for changing my life and figuring out what I want to do. While that was years ago, today I'm still overwhelmed with the freedom that I have to do what I want with my life (within bounds, of course; genocide, as an example, isn't a legitimate option) while honoring God in that life. I'm 24 years old with a degree under my belt that may never be used, looking out upon a vast world with no solid idea about what I want to do with my life (though I have some thoughts on that, perhaps for another time). 

3) Also, I'm wrestling with how the idea of "God's love" fleshes itself out (or doesn't flesh itself out) in our world, and what that tells us either about God, ourselves, or the world. It's difficult to look the world's horrors in the eyes and to be forced to ask, "Where is God?" But when we look at it hard enough, we won't be forced to ask the question, it'll just happen naturally. While on the one hand the implications of this can be read in a negative light, I think the fact that our gut instinct isn't to accept such things with peace of mind but to demand an answer of the one who can change things, tells us something quite positive. Regardless, the questions arise, and the questions demand an answer, even if no answer's to be found or given. All I know is that it's humbling to know, in a Western world where we're told that God has a special plan for us, that we're unique and special, etc., that there's no partiality with God: there is nothing but circumstances separating me from the 90% of the world living in suffering, despair, and fear. That could easily be me, and the fact that it isn't doesn't say anything about me but about the environment I was born into. All this to say that I'm struggling with how to understand God's love without trivializing the horrors of the world coupled with the absence of divine help as thousands upon thousands are slaughtered without rhyme or reason. These are real things that need to be addressed, and I'd much rather address them than stick my head in the sand and to pretend that everything's quite all right.