Tuesday. Miranda and I opened; she went home sick, and Chloe filled in. I did some cleaning around the house, drank coffee at The Anchor, and then Tori and I grabbed ice cream at the Graeter's on Fountain Square. She's a super cool chick; Eric's on a bender with good hires. I spent the evening at home, dwelling in the dark silence. I reopened my old OKCupid app, ruffled through some profiles, but I didn't want to send messages to anybody. The thing is, I don't want a girlfriend. I just want Mandy K. I'm okay with being single. If I wanted a girlfriend, I could get one. But what I want is a sort of thing most women my age aren't into, and I want it with no one but the Wisconsinite.
Wednesday. At 4:30 AM I was woken by a dream where I was standing outside the church where she was getting married, and her husband-to-be was telling me that she didn't want me to be there, that she didn't want to know me anymore. I woke with a searing, saddening jolt and couldn't get back to sleep, lost in a fury of disjointed thoughts and prayers till I had to leave for work at T.M. I thought about her a lot today, and I wanted to know how she was doing; it was her birthday, and consequently the birthday of her brother Josh. I hate not knowing how she's doing, but I pray for her daily, and especially today.
Thursday. I worked till 1:30 with Ben and Jason and did some mulching at Gorman Heritage Farms. I spent much of the afternoon at The Anchor, and I went to bed early after a quiet evening reading and watching the latest episode of The Walking Dead. I took a hot bath in the glow of an oil lantern and went to bed pretty early. Also: Christmas music has been blowing up on two out of the three stations I can get in my ghetto car, and though Christmas music usually grinds my ears, this year I'm actually enjoying it. Carol of the Bells sends shivers down my spine every time.
Friday. Eric & I opened, and I went to The Anchor to do some writing and then swung by The Farmhouse (that's what I'm dubbing John & Brandy's new place) for an evening of video games, chicken on the grill, Christmas ales and laughter with John & Brandy, Amos, Ams, Frank & Rebecca, and even Sabrina came by. Ams and I headed north to Dayton and rounded out the evening watching Aziz Ansari's (?) standup on Netflix. He's hilarious, albeit wildly offensive at times. Mom & Dad are vacationing in Indiana (of all places) and so Ams and I are watching Skylar for the weekend.
Saturday. I woke early and went to the Centerville Starbucks for an iced soy caramel macchiato and to do some reading (Ephesians, to stay current with U.C.C.'s sermon series on the letter). Ams and I got China Cottage for lunch (oh, how I missed that place!) and we spent the afternoon watching Copper and hanging out with Skylar. I took her to North Park and we went romping about in the woods and in the creek; she was euphoric. I picked up my dad's old copy of Platt's Radical, finished in an hour or two, a pretty solid read. Ams went to Blake & Traci's, and I met up with my old Ridgeville friend Stephanie at the Centerville Starbucks for drinks, and then we went across the street to Archer's for a late-night dinner. It was good catching up; ironically, we stopped talking when the Wisconsinite messaged me out-of-the-blue. Another example of how my love for the Wisconsinite put a stop-gap in my life here. Not once have I prayed for God to reverse what happened, despite every desire for her to call me up and say she's changed her mind and wants to give "us" another shot. She won't change her mind, and I know that. To pray for such a thing would just be indulging a hope best left strangled. Besides, she admitted she "felt" something for him, and I can't ask God to put a halt in something that's good for her, because I care for her and want what's best for her. My prayer is only that God will bless me the same way he's blessed her, and that he'll heal my sadness over not getting to have with her what I've wanted for so long, and that he'll remove the nausea that comes every time I picture her with someone else.
Sunday. I woke around 7:30 and ran to Speedway for coffee and sat in Dad's chair in his den reading Colossians (I'm plowing through the prison epistles). I want to have a den like his when I have my own place. "Like father, like son." I discovered with alarm that my moleskin journal disappeared, and after some investigation, it became apparent that I'd set it on top of my car before heading to Starbucks last night and had forgotten to put it in the passenger seat. So I drove up and down the roads to Starbucks, never did find it. *SIGH* That journal was filled with all sorts of things--notes on books I've been reading, meditations on various scriptures, story plot-lines, etc.--and it sucks that it's gone. Upon returning to Cincinnati, I met up with Andy, Mandy, Corey, Ams and Matt at the Bohemian Hookah Cafe in the Gaslight district before checking out Corey and Mandy's new place in Covington. It's only two streets from The Anchor! We climbed into the roof and watched the city traffic and the cold wind cut across our faces.
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