Mandy and I broke up, and I'm not too happy about it. There are lots of feelings, and there will be more to come; right now I feel like I'm still rooted in shock. Anger is the predominant emotion at the moment, and I'm honestly struggling to not sin against her in my anger. Historically I have been rather cutting in moments like these. My anger seeks an outlet through words, and it's my inclination to write something to hurt her. There's no getting around that. We're told not to sin in our anger; it's easy to do. I feel hurt, so I want to hurt. I feel betrayed, so I want to seek revenge. The hurt clouds my vision, and I must remember two things. (1) She isn't just the woman I loved and lost; she's precious, worthy, and valuable. That's not something I quickly forget. She's God's daughter, and if I sin against her, I sin against Him. And (2) Love is to be the undercurrent of my life. It's the sort of life I'm called to. I fail all the time, and especially now I need to be "on guard," because in these moments I don't want to be loving. I want to be mean and vengeful, bitter and resentful. Love is none of those things. And as much as my natural inclination at this moment is to be the precise opposite of loving, as much as I want to justify my desires for angry outbursts, I can't. It's not Christlike. It isn't loving.
What matters most now is that I honor her and glorify Him as I sort through all the emotions, thoughts, and lies coming my way. What matters is how I handle all this. I can handle it in dehumanizing and demeaning ways, seeking to satisfy my lust for vindication, or I can keep my eyes focused and move forward. One path leads to bitterness, resentment, and stagnation; the other leads to healing. I know my weaknesses, the temptations that come when I find myself frayed, at the end of my rope, whatever metaphor you choose. The desire to "get lost in myself" is great, and I have to be "on guard" all the more.
I'm thankful for all the love I've been receiving from family and friends. John shared wisdom and Brandy showered me in love. Ams has been there for me at all hours of the night, a constant and reliable support and encouragement. God has blessed me with great friends and family, and though I may not be moving to Wisconsin in two months, I won't at all mind being around these people for a while longer yet.
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