"moving forward"

For the past six months I've had a singular direction: work as much as possible to move to Wisconsin and be with her forever. I've been working eighty hours a week not because I enjoy it but because it's what I had to do. Now that the move to Wisconsin (and life with her forever) has been tossed out, I'm asking myself, "What's next?" Finding clarity in this is difficult, since I haven't imagined anything except life with her. I was working my ass off and saving money because moving to Wisconsin is precisely what I wanted to do, and not just for her. When juggling options, nothing seems appetizing, since she's no longer in the picture. What I do know is my calling: to advance the kingdom of God through preaching and teaching, and to be a good husband and a good father. Those are things I can focus on. 

Tomorrow I'm meeting with my home church pastor to catch up, talk about ministry, look over my resume, and get some good leads. I'm going to start sending out resumes, looking for everything from internships and guest preaching to full time positions. I was amping up to do this in January but put it on the backburner since I was going to be living in Wisconsin in a handful of months; now it's back to the drawing board and picking up where I left off. I'm going to keep studying what godly marriage and parenting looks like. Some day, by the grace of God, I'll probably be married and will probably have a family. I want to do everything in my power to learn how to love and lead my family well. I'm going to give myself a break in those studies since every book on Christian marriage is soaked in memories of anticipating that marriage with her. 

Over all of this, I'm going to keep pursuing Christ and conformity to him. Paul experienced the depths of union with Christ and declared all things rubbish compared to knowing him and being found in him (Philippians 3). In the same vein, Life with the Wisconsinite is rubbish compared to knowing Christ and being found in him. The peace, joy, satisfaction, and fulfillment found in a life lived in and for Christ, flowing outwards for the glory of God, far transcends any earthly relationship. I'll be honest: I have a lot of anger and hurt towards God in the aftermath of this, and I know full well that this very real anger and hurt is misplaced. God didn't do this to me; she did. I need to remember that life sucks a lot, and we're not spared from that. I need to remember that God's purposes are greater than mine: I orbit around Him, not the other way around. God's desire is to use all that's happened to keep changing my heart as I conform further to Christ; He's already doing this, revealing to me deep areas of sin in my heart that need His reformative power. All I can do is keep trusting Him; the Spirit compels me to do no less. 

Besides: I am justified, declared innocent before God.

I am adopted, part of God's family.

I have God's Spirit within me, and an inheritance in heaven.

I have all that I need.

The rest, it's just trimming.