2 Corinthians 1.8-9

We do not want you to be unaware, brothers and sisters, of the affliction we experienced in Asia; for we were so utterly, unbearably crushed that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death so that we would rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. 

(2 Corinthians 1.8-9)

Paul tells the Corinthians of the trials he and his coworkers experienced in Asia. He doesn't go into explicit detail, and we can only guess at what, exactly, went down. What Paul does tell us is the effect the trials had on them: they despaired of life itself and felt that they had received the sentence of death. Whatever they were facing persuaded them they would not escape, so that their hope wasn't on deliverance but on bodily resurrection. In such a situation, Paul and his coworkers couldn't rely on their own plans, their own strength, or their own wisdom; they had to put all their trust in God. Deliverance came, and Paul saw that God either allowed or orchestrated the whole ordeal so that they would rely not on their own prowess but on the prowess of God. 

There have been times in my life when I have felt quite literally at the end of my rope. In those times God sustained me. I can't begin to describe my own weakness in those times, how I indeed despaired of life itself and felt that I had received the sentence of death. A marvelous testimony to the faithfulness of God and His power made perfect in weakness is the fact that I'm sitting in this booth at The Anchor rather than lying in a grave of my own making. God's strength sustained me, but that isn't the same as saying that He wiped away all my suffering. My weaknesses weren't eliminated by His strength; they remained, and it was He who sustained me. 

Paul knew his own weaknesses well, and he didn't pretend that God's power eradicated them. Later on in 2 Corinthians he writes, To keep me grounded and stop me from becoming too high and mighty due to the extraordinary character of [my revelations from God], I was given a thorn in the flesh--a nagging nuisance of Satan, a messenger to plague me! I begged the Lord three times to liberate me from its anguish; and finally He said to me, "My grace is enough to cover and sustain you. My power is made perfect in weakness." So ask me about my thorn, inquire about my weaknesses, and I will gladly go on and on--I would rather stake my claim in these and have the power of the Anointed One at home within me. (2 Cor 7.7-9) We've no idea what weaknesses Paul is referring to; some have speculated it's his bad eyesight, or his lack of oratory skill, or his timidness before others, or even some sort of depression. The point is that all of us have weaknesses, and God's aim isn't to eliminate our weaknesses but to show His power in them so that He, rather than we, gets the glory.

I've weaknesses aplenty, and I'd rather not boast about them. I'm prideful. I want people to think I have it all together. I don't want people to know that I wrestle with addiction, that I'm prone to bouts of sadness and despair, that I'm plagued with self-doubt, that I daily struggle to trust in God and His provision. Self-reliance is a plague on faith, because faith forces us to admit our own inability, our own impotence, our own smallness. Faith demands we acknowledge our frailty in the face of a world set against us. I begin to think that if my faith in God were stronger, if my trust were more solid, that my weaknesses would disappear. God says, "No." He wants to be glorified in my weaknesses, and He is glorified when I admit them and rely not on my own strength (for my own strength isn't that great) but on His strength to sustain me, work in me, and carry me forward. 

My craving to have everything figured out and accomplish things on my own intensifies as the time for moving to Wisconsin draws nearer. Along with that craving comes the numbing fear that I won't figure everything out, that I won't accomplish things on my own. And perhaps that's the point. Perhaps God wants to use this move with everything it entails to grow my trust in Him. Perhaps He wants to use this "trial" of sorts to show His power and providence so that He gets the glory. Perhaps His aim is to use this to strengthen my trust in Him. I am to lead Mandy in our relationship, in our upcoming marriage, and that means I must be "the man." Paul's words in 1 Corinthians 16.13 speak to my commission: Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be the man. Be strong. And do everything with love. That is the commission God gives me as Mandy's future husband, and He's working in me through my weaknesses to increase my trust in Him and to show His glory in me and, when she and I are united as one, in us.