5.14.15

#armcopark

Ashley and I took Zoey to the park yesterday, and as we walked the trails I confessed how I've felt so sad and broken, how all sorts of emotions have resurfaced in the wake of learning that the Wisconsinite is with someone else. "I'm not mad about it," I told her, "and I wish her all the happiness in the world. She deserves that." At the same time, the news isn't easy to stomach. "She told me that I was the answer to her prayers, that it was so evident how God meant for us to be together, how He had been working in both of us through the ups-and-downs of 'our story' to bring us to the point where we could love one another and be together forever. She told me she was so sure of that, so convinced of that, and I believed it, too." I told her how I hate feeling like this, how I feel weak for the way that the breakup has affected me, even up to now, almost a year after the fact. She told me, "She meant the whole world to you, and you loved her more than you loved yourself. The things you told her, shared with her, and dreamed with her, they were real, they were genuine. It seemed your prayers had been answered. She confirmed as much. To have five years of dreaming and longing and praying answered, and then to have it taken away... Anthony, it would be strange if you were able to just shrug your shoulders and move on, even a year after it happened. It could take years for you to come to the point where you're okay with what happened. And you know what? That's okay. That's normal. It doesn't mean you're broken, and it doesn't mean you're weak. It means you risked everything, you gave everything, and you had it thrown back in your face." She added, "And, no, you're not weak. Even in your weakness, your strength is so clearly visible. That you wrestle the way you do, that you bear the burden you do, and that you're still so giving, so selfless, so willing to pour your energy into me and the girls, and into your clients... Most men lack that strength. Most men, when they're feeling the way you do, they shut down and they run. But not you. You keep going, even when it's hard, even when you're confused, because you know that despite what you may feel, you have responsibilities, and you intend to follow through on them."

I'm amazed that Ashley has stuck by me. I broke up with her once, overwhelmed by all my issues and desperate to find relief. She took me back when she shouldn't have, and she's let me share my darkest secrets and struggles with her. She's offered no judgment or criticism, only a compassionate ear and an understanding heart. In the worst of my times, she always asks, "What can I do to help?" When I struggle with my affections, she doesn't turn her back on me. When I struggle in my faith, she doesn't tell me that I don't love Jesus enough for her. When I make mistakes in my leadership, she doesn't call me out on it, hold it against me, and expect me to become a wizened leader overnight. I think the reason she's able to bear this burden with me is because she's been through it, too, and on a scale much larger than mine. What happened with me and the Wisconsinite is a pale comparison to what happened between her and Jon. I honestly hope Jon dies in a sudden accident; I hope Mandy lives a happy, fulfilling, and meaningful life. I really do. She and Jon are nothing alike, but the pain Ashley and I feel, it's very similar. There are many shades to grief, but the shades are often only a hue apart.

I pray for healing morning, day, and night. Prayer has become my diet, and like many diets, it often leaves me feeling empty. Jesus tells us to badger God, and I've been badgering away, but it seems like healing isn't something I will be able to claim anytime soon. I pray that God brings me healing not just for myself but for Ashley and for the girls. I pray that God will crush my love for the Wisconsinite so that I can look forward rather than backwards. There's no future there. She's told me as much. That dream and that love will not be realized. I pray that He'll help me accept that; if there's no future there, then why not remove the pain, remove the love, and bring the healing, when so much is at stake? I need to accept that truth and do all that is necessary to truly move on. I pray that He'll enable me to love Ashley the same way I loved Mandy, that He'll create in me the same passion, the same excitement, the same joy, the same daring imagination that I had with her. Ashley and the girls, they deserve that sort of love, and if God's desire is for me to fill that place in their lives, then it's an absolute necessity that He brings me healing. The longer the prayer is unanswered, the more doubtful I become; and laced within that doubt is a numbing fear, the fear that I will hurt Ashley, that I will hurt Chloe and Zoey by one day leaving and not coming back. The very thought brings tears to my eyes. So I pray that God has mercy not only on me but on them, as well. It's high time for Him to do something.

Wake up, Lord! Why do you slumber?

Get up! Do not reject us any longer!

Why are You still hiding from us?

Why are You still ignoring our suffering and trouble?

Look, and You will see our souls

now dwell in the dust;

our bodies hug the earth.

Rise up and help us;

restore us for the sake of Your boundless love.

(Psalm 44.23-26)