Get Up and Walk

Get up and walk.

Afterward Jesus returned to Jerusalem for one of the Jewish holy days. Inside the city, near the Sheep Gate, was the pool of Bethesda, with five covered porches. One of the men lying there had been sick for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him and knew how long he had been ill, he asked him, “Would you like to get well?”
“I can’t sir,” the sick man said, “for I have no one to help me into the pool, when the water is stirred up. While I am trying to get there, someone else always gets in ahead of me.”
Jesus told him, “Stand up, pick up your sleeping mat, and walk!”
—John 5:1-8

What do you want? Really. If you were to stand before God, and if he were to tell you, “Tell me what you want—I’ll give you anything,” what would you say? Most of us probably wouldn’t have to think about it before our mouths opened.
Sounds like a dream come true, doesn’t it? You see, everyone has something they desire over anything, and it changes from person to person. You know what yours is. Something you desperately want, something you hunger and crave for. Something that seems impossible, out of your reach. Something you foam at the mouth for, yet you can only see with your eyes—or your imagination.
Maybe you are really wanting that guy or girl you’ve been spending more and more time with. Or maybe you just want to shed off all that fat. Perhaps you’re lonely and want some real friends. Maybe your desires are simpler. Get away from the hectic whirlwind called life and just spend some time in quiet peace. Others may dream of being the athletic star, or of becoming a famous musician. Maybe you even want to be a minister someday, and you want to start a church out in the backwoods. I don’t know. I know what I want. I know what I desire. You know what you want—so does God.
See how Jesus knew how long the man by the pool had been ill? See, now, how God knows your desires and dreams and aspirations? Your fears and discomforts? How he knows everything about you? And do you see how Jesus didn’t walk past the man; do you see how he cared? Do you see how Jesus didn’t just touch him and heal him, and then go on his ways; do you see how he loved? And tell me, do you see how Jesus looked him in the eye and said, “Would you like to get well?” Do you see how Jesus kneels down next to you and asks, “What is it you want? What you really want?”
What do you want? Maybe something impossible. Or seemingly impossible, anyways. Jesus knew what the man wanted; the man knew what he wanted. The man didn’t even answer, “yes” or “no.” He jumped right into excuses: “I am always late getting into the healing pool—I can’t get well!” His excuse echoes into ours. “I want this guy/girl, but I can’t stomach the nerve to make the move.” “It’s so much work to work off the fat, and it will take so long!” “I want new friends, God, but you don’t understand—I’m too shy!” “I can’t be a minister! I’m not a talker!” See how the excuses just swell for every one of us. You want something—and you’re being held back from it. What is your excuse?
God isn’t a big fan of excuses. Countless times in the Bible God ignores people’s excuses, or gets mad about them. How excuses over sin aren’t excuses at all. How there are no excuses for not doing good. Oh, and let us not forget Moses—“I’m not a talker!” What did God say? To sum it up, “Don’t worry. Stop crying. I’ve got things under control. I’ll even help you out by sending Aaron…” You have excuses—but God is not bound by excuses, as we often find ourselves bound. He isn’t captive.
The man by the pool gives his excuse. Does Jesus counter with an argument? No. He flat-out tells the man, “Get up and walk.” And the man gets up, and walks.
We all have dreams and aspirations and goals. We don’t think we can meet them. The chances are too slim, it’s too hard, you’re not made up of the ‘right stuff.’ God doesn’t care. Often he puts desires in our heart because we are meant for these desires. Desires define who we are. What kind of God would give us desires and refuse us to live them out? God doesn’t do that. He gives us desires and gives us the power to step up and grab them by the horns. We have the power. And if we think we don’t—if our lips open up in an excuse—God will tell us again, “Get up and walk.” Get off your butt and start working. He isn’t going to do everything for us. Want to lose weight? Start exercising and eating better. Want to be a famous musician? Practice! Want to be a backwoods minister? Overcome your fear and start living out your dreams. You have the power to do it. Moses didn’t think he had the power, but God gave it to him—and he freed the Israelites from slavery.
Get up and walk.

the 19th week

The cicadas are coming! Swarms in millions will invade for weeks. Some estimates put them at one million an acre: that's 500,000 in our backyard alone! Amanda's freaking out, but I'm bent over in excitement. Cicadas: come! Feel the ground shake as they rise!

Monday. I wrestled with Doogie before school, and then I worked 4-8:00. Kristen & Ashlie saw me in the I.G.A. parking lot as they drove by and shouted at the top of their lungs. After work I spent the rest of my night working on a history paper and watching Reno 911. Oh: I finally got my Dell XP desktop computer paid off!

Tuesday. Ally and Stephanie came over with Lee after school. They're working on a dinosaur project for some class and are utilizing my knowledge. Lee and I shot pool after they left. I had chicken and rice for supper. We had our Small Group here, it's a D-Group for guys. We talked about what it means to be a "real man": wild, risky, adventurous, passionate, a warrior! Mom's amazed at how much weight I've lost. Everyone is. I feel better, too. 

Wednesday. The custodians at school keep commenting on how much weight I've lost. My normal shirts from a few months back feel like pajama clothes. In Art Class I'm working on a pretty cool calligraphy on Jesus' words from the gospel of Matthew. I took Ashlie home after school; she's not allowed over until Grease, the play she's in, is over. Ally came over with Amanda. I went over to Lee's and we helped Debbie weed the backyard. Bryon played guitar upstairs and Dad worked on their upstairs bathroom while Lee and I cleared the back, working around the two islands and the deck. I returned home gritty and sweaty and showered, exercised, got ready for bed, and talked to God before falling asleep.

Thursday. I spent the morning doing my bible study on the back deck. The birds were singing and Doogie was running around and sniffing everything. I sat on the porch under the brilliant morning sun and the purple cloud-drifts. Amanda's still scared of the coming cicadas. I finished Wild at Heart, want to study it deeper sometime, bit-by-bit. At school Hagan told me, "Anthony, we need to talk more." I said, "I just talk when I need to. And observe." He replied, "I respect that. I respect privacy. That's what I was like in High School." We had a good-bye party for the cute Ukrainian girl, and Hagan wanted me in the picture. That was pretty weird. After work Pat D. and Lee came over, and we hung out and shot pool. We grabbed change from the change-basket and marched to 1/2 Price, Border's, Salvation Army & Kroger. I got a William Wallace book, a Mickey t-shirt (inside joke), and incense. Pat D. bought a Colorado t-shirt and a bookworm t-shirt, and incense. Lee just got incense. We got back and watched Office Space, a hilarious movie. Amanda and Mom went to the Grease play Ashlie's in. Kristen and Shelby are in it, too. I took Lee home and Pat D. was gone when I got back. Meditation tonight: God is no formula, he is a person, and he loves me, and I love him, and we are friends. "I love you, O LORD, my strength!"

Friday. We only have 11 more days of school until summer starts! And that includes exams! Last time this year I was watching TV with Chris and Lee, listening to the rain outside, wishing summer had come. It came last year, it will come this here: and with cicadas! I took Lee home after school and watched Under Siege, a Steven Segal film, with Chris, Pat D. and Hank. I headed home. Ashlie's mad I didn't go see her in Grease. 

Saturday. I worked 9-4:00, it was pretty easy. Cops were patrolling outside, there were all sorts of wrecks in the intersection of 741 and 73. Mom, Dad, Amanda and I went to Applebee's for dinner.

Sunday. I'm at 160 pounds right now; that's 40 pounds lost in two months! The cicadas aren't here yet, but I'm hopeful! The message from church: God will open himself up to us if only we pray. Erica and Bryon told me I'm the nicest person at church. Ashlie gave me a big hug, was shocked at how much weight I've lost. She nearly fainted when I told her how much. I guess Kristen was amazed, too; she felt my stomach, gasped in surprise. Kristen's hair was braided and she was very pretty. I went to North Park after church, alone, to just pray, inspired by the lesson today. Amanda, Ashlie and Kristen went out for lunch. I spent the rest of the afternoon writing: I've turned 36 Hours into 12 Hours, making it a short story instead of a novel. I think that's a good call. The kid goes insane in the end. I went to Student Revolution set-up. Megan H. and I hiked up to Dorothy Lane for Jones Sodas. The message was on Sex, Love & Relationships. Lots of people were crying, like Kristin, Ashlie, Tara, Jackie, even Amanda. Amanda thinks Mom thinks she hates her. She's lonely a lot. And she misses Megan. I told her to stand up, take a risk, stop crying, and trying to fix things. Amazingly, she did: she and Megan are good now. Hank and I chilled out in the gym for a while. Jeff, our youth minister, farted on Ashlie and she started crying. Corey's been kicked out of his house and is staying with his buddy Jason. Corey got a nose-ring, said it didn't heart. 

the 18th week

You may notice that two weeks are missing. I tried journaling a different way and subsequently lost my journal. It's quite a pity. Lots of things happened. Here's a quick recap of the highlights from the 16th and 17th weeks:

(1) Lee finally asked Amanda out. She said Yes.

(2) Spring Break!

(3) I asked Kristen to go to the movies. She said No.

(4) Amanda dumped Lee.

(5) I saw the movie Dawn of the Dead with Chris, Pat D. and Lee. Twice.

(6) I started a book I will not finish: 36 Hours.

And now: the 18th week. 

Colonel Lee!

Monday. I worked 4-8:00 and came home to a dinner of leftover broiled chicken and Raman noodles. I hung out with Chris. He's talking to Ally now. 'Bout time. Pat D. tried to smear my name with her for some reason, and she ended up being afraid of me; but now she thinks I'm hilarious and likes me. I worked on 36 Hours: I'm six hours in, 30 more to go. It's going to be a long, last book! Amanda says I've lost a lot of weight! Mrs. Graber chose me at school for her Gold Coin Recipient. One month and Junior Year is over!

Tuesday. Ashley D. was late for her bus so I gave her a ride to school. She looked so panicked on the corner! Ashlie and I traded lunches at school. She and Lee and Chris came over after. We grabbed some food from my workplace, beloved I.G.A., and Doogie ate an entire loaf of bread. He's a fiend! Chris tore open a cassette tape in the Jeep, threw it out the window; the tape unrolled and the deck almost hit the car behind us. He and Amanda frantically wound it back into the car. Mom fixed us tacos for dinner. Chris got hair in my meat and then farted on my food. I got angry and hurled a pair of binoculars at him, leaving a ghoulish bruise on his thigh. He screamed, seemed on the verge of tears. I also stomped on his toes. Ally told Chris that she wishes she could steal me from Amanda so I'd be her brother. Ashlie heard and shouted, "No! She sounds like me!" She almost vomited at my peeling, raw, bloodied feet; I scratched them to all but the bone because of a bad case of athlete's foot. Chris, Amanda and I drove around Springboro taking pictures and we filmed a funny video. I made a mad dash to Small Group, was half an hour late. I was having so much fun with everyone that I almost forgot! The lesson was on the miracles Jesus performed, his power and compassion. We also talked a lot about angels and demons. Al G. doesn't believe in them. Lee and I talked about starting a small group for guys on Thursday nights.

Wednesday. Lee and I went to 1/2 Price Books after school. A black guy in a tight shirt glared at us because we were in the religious section (he was perusing the witchcraft titles). I bought a Max Lucado anthology on Jesus' death and two movies: The Blair Witch Project and SE7EN. We went back to his place and hung out for a while, and he went to work and Chris was supposed to help move his sister Laura from her dorm room, but she never showed; so Debbie said he could come home with me, and we got McDonald's and watched the movie in the basement. The fast food made me feel sick to my stomach: so many chemicals, you never know what you're actually eating. Ron picked up Chris for his Small Group. I was left home alone and did lots of thinking. See, I applied to Cedarville University, and today Mom came in with my submission: "You're in." My dream university! I prayed to get into this school, knowing full well how difficult it would be. Kendall, who's brilliant, wasn't accepted. And Cedarville sent me an application, without me asking for it, something they hardly do, except for the "wanted" students. Inside was a letter offering me two scholarships and asking me to come to Cedarville. My dream university is asking me to attend. I can major in youth or pastoral studies, a minor in Bible, maybe psychology. A miracle? I have high ambitions. Daydreams. Desires of serving God in different ways, making my mark in the kingdom. I want to begin a house church, and I want to see it swell. I want to become a youth minister or a Senior Minister; and when I'm older, I want to start a worship gathering called Just Another Worship Gathering, and I want to meet deep in the woods, surrounded by creation, and not in a building, but a large canvas tent, and we'll sit on rocks as chairs and revel at the foot-stool of God. We'll even have a foot-stool! But above all I want to be like Jesus. I want to be changed. I want people to see me and be attracted to Jesus. I want to be an example. And I want to lead others to Jesus, I yearn to see the lost knee-deep in the golden springs of God! And it's as if God is paving the way.

Thursday. At school I told Ashlie all about Cedarville and she burst into song, was practically on the verge of tears. Lee and Ashlie came over after school and we threw knives into a poster in my room. We all chilled on the porch and Chris walked over. Amanda serenaded us all on guitar. Forsake Me Not is in trouble because drummer Hank isn't allowed to practice or perform at shows until he gets his grades up. Mom & Dad had their small group tonight, and Erika S. babysat. I wanted us to worship in our room, but no one else did, and everyone laughed but Lee & Amanda. So I crawled to my room and played a solo on my guitar to God. It made me happy, joyful. All of us went outside and we played baseball, lit a fire, had a huge stick fight, and Chris grabbed the hose and started spraying everybody. So I went to the willow tree and grabbed a whip and went to town on him, left welts on his legs. We were all soaked and hurting by the end. I drove Ashlie home and Debbie picked up Chris & Lee. I am blessed with great family, great friends, a great (future) education, a good job to make some money, and God is wonderful.

Friday. I worked 3-8:00 after school. We were hectically busy the entire time. I was the only bagger. My right foot is peeling off, my back aches, and I think all this non-stop exercise may be wearing my body down. I must take a break. Ashlie left her glasses at our house, so I ran them by her house after work. I went by the Williams' to see Chris & Lee. Lee was working but Chris was home, along with Pat D. and Bryon. Lee's dad is a policeman in Centerville, and he caught Luke buying marijuana! When Lee got home there was going to be a party, but since I had to be in 3-8:00 the next day, I went home early. Amanda heard some people at school talking about Forsake Me Not:

Girl: "Who is Forsake Me Not?"

Boy: "Forsake Me Not? They suck."

Girl 2: "What a bad name. Why can't bands have good names anymore?"

Boy: "They suck sooo bad. They're never going to make it."

Girl: "Do they go to this school?"

Boy: "They're all high schoolers." (but Chris, guitarist and singer, isn't)

Girl 2: "Are they hot?"

Girl 3: "No way."

Saturday. I called off work this morning: my feet are bleeding. Aunt Teri & Grandma rolled in around 2:30 A.M. last night. I was asleep and Doogie greeted them. Grandma & I had breakfast at McDonald's, and then we went to K-Mart, Wal-Mart, and Best Buy. I bought a really cool game: Medieval: Total War. It's like Shogun, only better. At 3:00 I picked up Chris, Lee, and Ashlie. We hung out at my place for a bit and then we picked up Pat D. We hung out for most of the evening. Chris & Ashlie walked home, and Pat D., Lee and I went to China Village for dinner. A Chinese woman hovered the whole time, staring us down for at least two minutes straight without looking away as we ate. She finally left, and I said, "I thought she'd never leave." Then she CAME BACK and did the same thing, only longer this time. I couldn't handle it and broke into laughed, blamed it on Lee when she leapt forward to ask what was funny, and the three of us laughed for a solid five minutes straight, hard and choking and gut-wrenching laughs. Mom came into the store and yelled at us for leaving the house. When we were done eating the Chinese woman boxed up our food. We were getting ready to go and she came hurrying towards us. We were uncomfortable and quickly scurried out, forgetting our boxed food! She came out of the restaurant with our boxes and stood there in the entryway as we jetted out of the plaza. We went to Deal's to calm down, and then we went back to their place. Lee & Ashlie spent the night, and we sat downstairs and reminisced on the past: how everyone at church used to make fun of me, how I had no friends, how I was depressed, how we weren't friends and how Amanda didn't like me, how my only friends were Zach and Andrew, and how Andrew back-stabbed me. We talked about how Amanda used to make fun of Ashlie, and Lee made fun of me. And now we're all awesome friends. Chris, Lee, Pat D. and I happened to go to SIGNS together one day long ago, and a friendship blossomed. We talked about how Lee used to smoke pot all the time and get drunk at parties, but he's different now, "mellowed-out", so-to-speak.

Mother's Day. Aunt Teri & Grandma came with us to church, and they were shocked at the Metallica-like worship and thundering dancing. We ate out at Marion's Piazza for Mother's Day, ate out on the patio. Amanda and I got Mom jewelry and brownies. We went to 1/2 Price after and Grandma loaded up. Aunt Teri randomly gave both of us $20. I bought two awesome books on ancient warfare. Aunt Teri & Grandma headed back to Kentucky, and I went to Student Revolution (a.k.a. Rev) set-up. I talked to Chad about my Cedarville University plans and majoring in pastoral studies or youth ministry. Lee was there, too. He wants to be a youth minister, too. Chad is a sponsor, he thought my plan was awesome. Well. I'm tired. School's tomorrow. And I have to go to town with this athlete's foot medicine. It's a spray, somehow feels both painful and pleasurable at the same time. A teasing stinging of sorts. It's so weird, as am I. Good night.

"Where is God when troubles come?"

I think they spiked my McDonald's chicken sandwich--I need to go to sleep. Thought I might throw this up first. It is something I wrote a few weeks back that I found in my desk drawer. Any questions, comments, possible concerns?

Where is God when troubles come?

“How long, O Lord, must I call for help?”
People have this cozy little idea that if you’re a Christian, then life is perfect. They’re wrong. Jesus never said he’d take away all our problems and troubles; in fact, while we hail him as the Prince of Peace, he readily admitted, “Do you think I have come to bring peace to the earth? No, I have come to bring strife and division! From now on families will be split apart, three in favor of me, and two against… There will be a division between father and son, mother and daughter, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.” Atheists often think that Christianity is an escape-route for those too wimpy to face a hard life; it’s the other way around! Don’t be fooled; when you accept Jesus into your life, evil forces against Jesus then turn against you, work against you, do everything they can to pull you away from God. And—here we go—troubles are born.
Everyone experiences troubles. Christians seem to get the dirty end of the stick a lot. But while their worlds are turned upside-down, Christians possess a fiery joy that unbelievers can’t explain. That joy is knowing God is with us. There are no ‘fun’ times of trouble; it’s nerve-wracking, heart breaking, painful—sometimes excruciatingly painful. Troubles can range from anywhere to being punished for someone else’s mistake, to being hit by a drunk driver; it can be as painful as your little baby nephew dying in the hospital room for no apparent reason. The list goes on and on, some seemingly more drastic than others. If you’re looking for an escape-hatch, some impervious way to get away from all the trouble, you’ll be looking for a while, but you’ll never find one! Satan is never done fighting against our souls here on earth, not until we die. From birth to death, all Christians are hated by Satan and fought against.
A while back I made the mistake of accusing God for my problems, blaming him for a series of events that seriously rattled my character. This period—I deem it the “dark period” of my life—was dotted with tears, heartbreak, sorrow, and even contemplations of suicide. I was a newcomer to Christ, and almost immediately Satan got to work. For about half a year I struggled, fought, had my battles; some I won, others I lost. My world was turned upside-down. And I always accused God for what was happening; I didn’t realize it at the time, but Satan was pulling me away from God. His little trap was working. But then I picked up my Bible and started reading Job…
Job is a book about when life stinks. Seriously. It’s not about rampant sin, or the justice of God, but more so attacks the ever-present question, “Where are you, God, when my life bites?” Job was a righteous man, a devoted follower of God; God blessed him with land, a prosperous farm, wealth, several children and a loving wife. Satan comes along, and tells God that Job can be broken; so God says, “All right, do what you want to him, just don’t kill him,” knowing Job would never turn away. Almost immediately it seemed God had turned his back on Job—his land became worthless, all his livestock died, his house burnt to the ground, he lost all his money, and all his kids were killed. He was stricken with disease, his body ravaged to the brink of death—but he was not killed. His wife became bitter towards him, and his friends abandoned him, falsely accusing him to his face. Job literally had no one left; and he complained to God. He wanted to know why everything had changed; he was so wracked with pain, he begged God to take his own life. He wanted to know, “Why me? Why don’t you stop what’s happening to me? Why aren’t you helping?” This hit home—these were the same questions I was asking, except I was blaming God for it all—“…Job did not sin by blaming God.”
Why me?
Why don’t you stop what’s happening to me?
What are the answers?

Why Me?
We’re all guilty of feeling like we’ve got the dirty end of the stick, and we’ve all felt it more than once. Again, everyone experiences troubles, and chances are, the troubles you’re going through aren’t too different than the ones everyone else goes through. When life flat-out sucks, we demand to know why it’s us who are being beaten by life! Why are we the ones who have to suffer? Well, let me ask you this: why not you? What have you done to gain superior status over everyone else? There are five major reasons troubles pop into our lives, three reasons why it is us:
1. Random trouble—perhaps a disease is spreading, you catch the disease, and you’re bed-stricken and you miss the Ohio State-Michigan game on TV. You want to know why you had to listen to the game on the radio while belching into a trash can, and all your friends went to the football game and won a thousand dollars by sitting in the right seat (tough chance). In this case, there may not be any real reason for you getting sick. The disease is spreading, you caught it just because you were there when it swept by. Random troubles can be as small as a burning cold or as large as a friend’s mom dying from cancer, or your boyfriend leaving you because he spots another girl he likes better. But while it’s random, it doesn’t mean God doesn’t care—he does care; more on this in a second.
2. Attention Grabber—“But by means of their suffering, [God] rescues those who suffer. For he gets their attention through adversity.” When we want to get someone’s attention, we don’t whisper; we YELL! In the same way, God “yells” at us to get our attention. For what purpose he has for getting our undivided attention varies from person to person, but a common theme is to shout, “Hey! Look! Why did you turn so evil so fast? I want you back, I want you back now. But it’s your decision.” And he uses suffering to get our attention. “Turn back from evil, for it was to prevent you from getting into a life of evil that God sent this suffering.”
3. Discipline—“As you endure… discipline, remember that God is treating you as his own children. Whoever heard of a child who was never disciplined? If God doesn’t discipline you as he does all his children, it means you are illegitimate and are not really his children at all.” Would a loving father let his kid get away with stealing the car and not discipline him at all? No. In the same way, when we sin, a lot of times God will send stuff our way to teach us a lesson. It is in this way that God is trying to draw us closer to him—he wants to show us what we did wrong, and to convince us not to do it again! God cares enough about us to send us trouble to teach us a lesson that very well may ring in eternity.
4. Troubles from decisions—if you go and get drunk then get behind the wheel of a car, wreck your car through an intersection, killing the other driver, you’ve brought the troubles of being paralyzed, convicted of manslaughter and the possibility of a ruined life all on yourself. In this form of trouble, it is our own decisions that bring the troubles that dot our lives. If you have unprotected premarital sex, and contract HIV or other STDs, whose fault is it? It’s important to remember that while it’s our own fault, God still cares.
5. Troubles from Satan—as mentioned, Satan—the direct enemy of God—wants to turn us from God, wants to rip us from Jesus. He will pound us with troubles to try and shatter our faith. A lot of times these troubles come in the form of temptation to sin. God understands, for even Jesus went through temptation!

But no matter what the trouble, God cares. “…it is wrong to say God doesn’t listen, to say the Almighty isn’t concerned. And it is even more false to say he doesn’t see what is going on. He will bring about justice if you will only wait.” God:
1) Listens
2) Cares (is concerned)
3) Knows what’s going on
4) Will make everything work out for good!

It is easy to think that because God doesn’t answer prayers, he isn’t listening. However, he does listen. It’s wrong to think he doesn’t care what we’re going through, because he does. It’s a lie to believe he isn’t aware of all the facts (maybe you aren’t?), because—above all else—he understands the problem at hand! And God has the beautiful touch of making things work out for good in the end. When God is on our side, things somehow work out for the best in the end—we just have to have patience and wait.

Why doesn’t God stop what’s happening to me?
On June 6, 1944, Allied forces invaded Normandy. Landing Craft flung up against the shore and unloaded soldiers onto the beaches; several of the boats were blown apart or sunk by enemy planes or German machinegun fire. The allies were pinned down by continuous gunfire; friends watched as their friends were slaughtered by the bullets crisscrossing the sky, plinking into the sand, pinging off the steel twists called hedgehogs. It was deemed the Longest Day by both the Allies and the Axis; hundreds upon hundreds of men were killed, not just on the beaches but as the men pressed inward. The horrors replay in the minds of the survivors. One of the survivors was a chaplain by the name of Burkhalter; he was in the first wave against the beaches, and saw many of his comrades killed; he believes his escape was a sheer miracle. On that beach, under the gunfire of the German Army, Burkhalter was pinned down, and he made his way forward, Bible in his pocket and M1 in his hands. Some say war can shatter a man’s faith in God; but Burkhalter reminisces, “Yes, there were a lot of miracles on the beach that day. God was on the beach D-Day…”
How is it, that in the chaos of war and bloodshed, maybe the greatest of troubles, that one can find God? A couple months ago I went searching in my heart for some answers—this search led me to the realization that God is more awesome than I know. And because of that “dark moment of the soul,” I became aware of how God uses trouble in our lives. Troubles bring us closer to God; they force us to lean completely on him. They are God’s tools for drawing us into a deeper relationship with him. Just as Burkhalter grew closer to God on the Normandy beaches, on the Longest Day, so I grew closer to God as I leaned on him for everything in my own times of need.
Why doesn’t God stop the troubles that pain us if he loves us so much?
Because troubles draw us close to him, and that’s where we need to be!
Troubles also help to conform our character to be like Jesus.
No matter what troubles are in your life—whether a crumbling boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, or struggling with a certain sin, or bearing the coming—or already came—death of a loved one, God is there with you. Just as he was on the beaches when the Allies landed, so he is with you in your day-to-day life. Don’t give up on God; pray, tell him how you feel, know he cares, know he understands, and be patient. And remember: sometimes our troubles aren’t really troubles at all; what a loss it was for Jesus to die on the cross, but how the disciples’ mind-sets changed when their Savior was walking down the street, resurrected from the dead! God can—and will—work through our troubles, if we only keep following him and don’t give up.
Want to get serious with understanding problems? Read the book of Job or Habakkuk.

Troubles are certain. We all go through them, and they won’t end till we meet Jesus face-to-face in the Kingdom of Heaven. How we approach the un-stoppable problems is completely up to us!
1. Everyone faces troubles constantly: you are not alone
2. Don’t blame God for your problems
3. Remember there are five major reasons for trouble: I) Random trouble, II) Attention Grabber, III) Discipline, IV) troubles we bring on ourselves, V) troubles from Satan
4. God listens, God cares, God understands, and God will work things out for good.
5. God is there with us through the worst of situations
6. God can use troubles to draw us closer to Him
7. “Can anything separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if he have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted or are hungry or cold or in danger or threatened with death?…No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can’t, and life can’t. The angels can’t, and the demons can’t. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can’t keep God’s love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God, that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

on christian ecumenicism

It has been forever since I have posted, and since I do not want to dive too much into detail about this, I will sum it up here: with the help of others, the words of Jesus, and the conviction of the Holy Spirit, I have been drawn into a deeper relationship with God, and have noticed many things in my life that need to change. I have coined myself a hypocrite, and one day God just told me, "How long are you going to keep living this life and call yourself one of Mine?" It took me a while to get the point, and here I am. Life is busy, but enjoyable, and I am very excited to be a part of God's plan.

Well. During work, I had my eyes opened to something that had been staring me down for months, and I have decided it is big enough--at least in my eyes--to throw on here. One of my coworkers and a customer were arguing about different denominations of Christianity, arguing about which one is right and which ones are wrong, and eventually my coworker told the customer, "If you believe that, then you've missed the boat." Something clicked in my head, and I wanted to say, "Both of you have missed the boat. It isn't about Lutheran, Messianic, Pentecostal; it isn't about philosophy or theology! It's about Jesus, it's about God!" I have always been partial to nondenominational, but I have come to realize that most of the Christian denominations are just that--Christian. We are all one body, and there are real, authentic followers of Jesus in every denomination. The difference between denominations is that they show, express their love for God in different--not wrong--ways. Black Gospel congregations express their love for God through intense, shouting, clapping music; snake-handlers do it through their daring risk-taking; country churches through their simplicity; Catholics through rituals and ceremonies; others through wearing nice clothes, pounding the Scriptures, singing loud or soft, fast or slow. All beautiful in God's eyes. Real expression of love--a.k.a. worship--isn't bound by a book, but is simply true, authentic, thoughtful, and everyday--not just on Sundays or Wednesdays. Naturalists worship God through the outdoors, nature; Sensates through all five senses; Traditionalists through rituals, ceremonies; ascetics through practicality and simplicity; activists through helping others, battling evil; caregivers through helping/caring for others; enthusiasts through celebration; contemplatives through adoration; intellectuals through studying with their minds, and more. None of these ways are wrong, and none are by-the-book; this isn't the set-in-stone list.

Just an insight.

the 15th week

my place of employment

Monday. I dreamt that there was a rogue virus during wintertime, and there were twisted human corpses littered about in the snow around our house, and I had to chop them up all Fargo-style. Sometimes I wonder if I could be a serial killer. I worked on a film & lit project after school with Kemper and Kaitlyn at her place, and then Lee came over to see Amanda. They wanted to be alone, so I went over to Chris', and we returned to the house. We played basketball and messed around with Dad's hatchet, which we found in the garage, and he wasn't too pleased with that. We got fake wine from Drug Mart and rented School of Rock with Jack Black and got ice cream from Dairy Queen. I took Chris home, and I spent some time in quiet meditation. Things learned: (1) Life isn't a foot-race, I need to relax; (2) God me who I am, and he loves me; (3) God has a plan for my life, so I just need to chill out; (4) don't be jealous of other peoples' romantic relationships: my time will come.

Tuesday. I'm a month into working out and eating better, and I've already dropped some pounds. I was really outgoing and happy at school today. Alyssa wanted to hang out, but I didn't feel like it. I watched the movie Wrong Turn and got Subway for dinner. Chris came over, and we hung out for a while before my Small Group at the Southard's. Kristen's going to Prom with Aaron K., apparently. Kristin D. asked her, "Why don't you go to Prom with Anthony?" and she just stayed quiet. Probably for the better, seeing our history. As much as I want to be good friends with her, maybe that's just not in the cards, seeing our history. We have one helluva "secret history" that no one knows about. During Small Group we talked about the Sermon on the Mount, and Pat D. and Lee came back to my place. We watched funny videos on the computer and Pat D. was picked up by his mom and I took Lee home. 

Wednesday. I skipped lunch at school and took Lee home. Chris was waiting for us at the bus stop when we got there. He wanted to come over, but Mom wanted a "day off" from having people at the house. I spent the day thinking about things with 412, things with Kristen, things with my life. I'm done with mediocre fellowship, I run full-fledged into Jesus' arms, and I'll dance in the river. I still want a girlfriend, I want to lose weight, I want to look good: simple things. I throw myself into God's hands, stepping back from the run-of-the-mill, W.W.J.D., latex theology sprinkled with half-forced smiles, and I plunge myself into the hardcore, confrontational, offensive and really loving Jesus 24/7 God-reality. Dad went running at North Park, saw Pat D. and Chris on the bike path. Dad & I went out to eat at BW3s, and I got some movies from the library, and we played basketball in the setting sun. 

Thursday. Kristen & I talked for a while today over AIM. She told me, "Anthony, I'm going to go to Prom with Aaron." Chris & Lee came over. Dylan swung by, too, and we shared great laughter and watched Me, Myself & Irene. Dylan left. Chris went to his place, then over to Ally's. Lee can't tear himself away from Amanda. Pat D. came over. We hooked up with Hank & Ashlie, went to 1/2 Price Books and Borders. I bought The Perks of Being a Wall-Flower. Hank & Ashlie went their separate ways. The rest of us returned to my place, and Bowden came over. Hank came by later, and Chris showed up, so we watched The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Tomorrow's the beginning of Spring Break '04!

Good Friday. Good Friday is doubly good, since it's also the beginning of vacation! My friends spent the night last night, and this morning Chris & Hank made barbecued eggs. Chris and Pat D. left. Bowden, Lee and I played basketball. Bowden's dad picked him up. Amanda colored on Lee's arm and they hugged. I took Lee home. Dinner was soup, and then I went to work. Kristen called me looking for Aaron's number, and I told her to call Dylan & Tyler since I didn't have it. I worked 3:30-9:30. Chris wanted to go see the new Dawn of the Dead movie around midnight. I said No. It feels like summer: warm, no school... Soon enough! I met Dad's college roommate and saw Kristin D. while working. 

Saturday. I worked 8-12:00 at the good ol' Springboro I.G.A., finished putting in my ten hours for the week. Lunch was at the house, and then my family and I went up to New Carlisle to celebrate Easter at Grandma & Grandpa Barnhart's. I got a plane clock, some candy, and money. And there was great food, of course. We headed farther north after we ate, visiting with the Bruce's for Cathy's 40th surprise birthday party. Amanda and I stuck to ourselves. Some girl came over and said we looked lonely. I made a little quip and she thought that was hilarious, invited her friends. I was popular for a brief moment, and I'll be honest: I didn't hate it. I met Kyle, Josh, Kayla, Kaitlyn, Chelsea, Alex, Jordan, and some others, but I can't remember their names. Ams told me Kristin D. thinks I'm the coolest person in the world; I don't know why she thinks that? At the party at the Bruce's I tried doing a "dino joke" and ended up with bleeding knees, my arms covered in blood, my face chewed torn, my hands chewed up, my glasses twisted, and some little kid crying. Weird how things turn out sometimes.

Easter. Because my glasses broke yesterday, I'm practically blind. Mom put together an Easter egg hunt for me and Amanda: I got some money to give to Bowden's dad, since he's hooking me up with a sweet computer. I worked a little on Woodland Alters and Starseed 2. I ran some errands and talked to Laura B. online. She's cool. Here are lyrics to a Limp Bizkit song I've been listening to a lot lately, a remix of a song by The Who, a song that seems to encapsulate my feelings as of late:

No one knows what it's like to be the bad man, to be the sad man behind blue eyes... My dreams, they're just empty, as my conscience seems to be. I have hours of lonely longing, my love is vengeance that's never free... No one knows what it's like to be faded to telling lonely lies..

the 14th week

Christopher Williams, everyone.

Monday. I worked 4-7:00 after work, and then Lee came over. He came with me and my family to Frisch's for dinner. I got the Atlantic cod. Yum! Healthy, too! Mom thinks I'm paranoid about what I eat. I just don't wanna be fat anymore. We had a pool tournament back at the house, and Dad won: he always does. I took Lee home, ran by the store for a journal, and then I went home. Rainy, muggy day. It's raining outside right now.

Tuesday. Chelsea E. was looking at me during lunch. I looked her in the eyes and she looked away, snooted. Alex S. is trying to woo Kristen to prom. His hopes are absolutely zero. I laughingly joked with Zach about it, and apparently Kristen had already mentioned Alex's unavoidable pitfalls. In ninth grade he got mad at me and told everyone I said that a kid from our school who died went to hell, and he told the Jewish kids at our school that I said God was sending them there, too. Some still hold that against me, even though it never happened. I took Lee and Zach home (Kristen forgot her brother for some SADD thing). I went to 1/2 Price with Chris, and we went by Border's, too. They're right next to each other by the Mall. Dewenter joined us. I bought a book on the weapons & warfare of The Lord of the Rings. We went to Salvation Army, where I got two books and Dewenter got a shirt. We saw Lindsey from 412 there. An Indian guy wanted us to buy his trinkets. At the Southard's we had our Small Group on masculinity in guys and femininity in girls. 

Wednesday. I missed 39 of 40 questions on my Math test. Kristen called me after work, desperate for me to babysit for her. Of course I said Yes, to help her out. Pat D. and Chris came over. We had a light dinner, and I took Ashlie and Amanda to their Small Group. Ron stopped by to get Chris, but we were gone; so we got Chris' clown wig from my place (Jeff's filming Chris wearing it for a CIY video), and then we took him to the Lloyd's. Pat D. and I chilled, watched the first Lord of the Rings movie. We played D-I-N-O (our version of HORSE). We picked up Ashlie & Amanda from their Small Group, left Dewenter at the house. Mrs. Howard let me in, and I went to the basement. Ashley, Angie, and Mindy were there, too. 

April Fool's Day. Ashlie & Lee came home from school with us today. We went to Family Christian for Ashlie & Amanda, and I got a fish/cross decal for my Jeep and The Case for a Creator by Lee Strobel. Amanda and Lee played pool, flirting the whole time, with Ashlie & I listening from upstairs. I ran down the steps and jokingly burst, "Are you going to ask her or what, Man?!" He croaked, "Will you give me some time, Buddy?" So he asked her, and she said "Yes." So now Lee & Amanda are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. Amanda went and got her haircut by Carl at Logan's Salon, and Ashlie went with us. Lee went to his Small Group for worship, and Kristen was there. I took Ashlie home, ate a bowl of ice cream before going to bed. Pat D., Chris, Hank and Bryon went to a hardcore concert tonight. As an April Fool's joke I told Mom that everyone at school thinks Amanda is a pothead. Haha!

Friday. I worked 4-9:00 after school, and I brought some grape juice home with me and watched TV until bedtime. God is so fascinating, so marvelous, so wonderful, so awesome. I'm so blessed to be a part of his family.

Saturday. I woke up, showered, studied for the ACT, and then drove around for a while before taking it at the high school. It was hard and over around 11:30. I had the day off work, so Chris, Pat D., and Amanda came over. Chris sat in the driveway honking my Jeep horn for about five minutes before Dad yelled at him to stop. Pat D. moaned, "What's he doing out there? He's being so loud!" We all went to Deal's: Chris & I got pocket lighters, Pat D. got some headphones for his backpack, and Chris & Pat chose a duck lawn ornament for our yard. I joked with Chris about something in the Jeep and he got mad, pouted all night, and then he just walked home. I took Pat D. home, watched a tv show on sharks, and went to bed.

Sunday. Corey came over, and we went to Kemper's place, but Kaityln forgot the video camera, so that fell through. Corey, Chris and I went hiking at North Park: climbing hills, traversing fallen trees stretched over ravines, burnt clumps of dead leaves in our cupped hands. We ran into Erica S. in a nearby neighborhood, and we also ran into Chelsea E. running the trails. She pretended not to know us even though no one else was even around. I've been thinking about how in 200 years, everyone on this earth will be dead, forgotten, ignored. Maybe it's best not to try and leave a legacy, to simply obey God, follow Jesus, and have fun?