the 20th week

zombies. i've been really growing fond of them.

Monday. We had our Gold Coin Reception during school, basically a bunch of us getting free food and drinks 'cause we're good students or something like that. Ashlie came over after school, and I saw a bookshelf on the side of the road, so we parked on the curb and got out and tried wedging it into the Jeep, but it splintered on us. Then a bus pulled up and unloaded some kids with us trying to yank out half the broken bookcase from the backseat. I worked 3-7:00, and when I got home Mom ordered us all pizza. I still can't get Kristen out of my mind. Sometimes I wish I never met her. The weather's been beautiful, oh so beauty. Nice and warm with constant peals of echoing thunder. 

Tuesday. Chris & Lee came over after school. Lee said he'll read 12 Hours. Chris wanted me to write a paper for him. I said, "No." I might help Hank with his paper, though. We all went to the Small Group at the Southard's and Chris worked on his paper in their basement. Chris, Lee, Zach and I played basketball before the lesson, and Lee hit me in the balls with the basketball, it killed. Dewenter got mad at me about something but cooled down. Kristen's amazed at my dieting, yelled at me to lift my shirt. "Umm, no. Maybe in another month." Everyone thinks Ashlie flirts with me and they were talking about it. I said to Lee, "Awkward." She isn't flirting with me. She's like a sister to me. But some people can't see that. I mean, she's with Hank and, despite their rough patches, she's genuinely happy. It started to storm really bad towards the end of the evening, and Kristen got a little scared. We left their place in a hard rain, and I took Dewenter home. He ran barefoot across his front yard to the front door, not wanting to get his nice shoes soaked in water. The storm clouds were phenomenal. Lee loved it, of course. He loves weather. I took he and Chris home. The cicadas will be here soon: they're emerging in West Carrolton at the moment. 

Wednesday. Hank is lucky. Ashlie is lucky. Last night he told her, "Sunday's message made me realize how much I really love you." Ashlie broke into tears and said, "I love you, too!" Hank said, "You know one thing I've always wanted to do? Hold a girl in a thunderstorm." It stormed all night, so last night he held her in the rain, and she was crying, and they kissed under the thunder and lightning, their first kiss. I'm so happy for her! Ashlie came over. Dylan and I were supposed to hang out, but he bailed on me again. We were supposed to see Shrek 2 or Troy. Amanda, Ashlie and I curled up in the basement and watched the VMAs from 2002. Chris came over and Mom went to the grocery, and Chris, Ashlie, Amanda and I went to 1/2 Price Books and Borders. I got two New Testaments to take with me to school. We watched Time Changer back at the house, a ridiculously awful and cheap Christian film. I told Ashlie and Amanda about my growing feelings for Kristen. None of them had answers. Amanda said, "Maybe she'll change her mind and like you." Ashlie said, "Yeah, she's becoming much more mature." I know I can't expect anything. Chris & Ally are still dating but going through hard times. Chris is super depressed about it. ashlie told me she and Kristen went to a party with people from school, and there was lots of crude, rap-style dancing with the shedding of clothes. Jake Cocholas (I accidentally pronounced it "Cockless" the first time I met him) was there, and he told everyone they needed to set good examples. All the current G.R.I.P. members seem pretty shady. Angie H. stopped going to G.R.I.P. because of its corruption. I can't stop thinking about Kristen!

Why can't I forget her?

How come I ever had to meet her?

Why don't my 'feelings' for her leave?

How come my prayers for her go unanswered?

Why must my heart suffer in longing every time I see her?

How long must I go through this grim torture?

Why is her face, laugh, her words so beautiful?

How come I feel this way about her when I can't have her?

Why must my mind play games with me?

Why do I fantasize over unreachable fantasies?

[this "poem" would show up in 36 Hours and become popular]

Thursday. A month ago I asked Kristen to the movies, and she said No. Only seven more days of school left. Ashlie, Chris and Dewenter came over. We watched SIGNS; I always shiver at the end of that movie! Bryon and Lee came over. Mom had her Small Group. Lee and I went through a dry run of our summer-hopeful with Chris, Pat D., Bryon, Ash & Ams at North Park. [This is the first reference in my journals to Amanda as Ams; the nickname must've been coined around this time] It was great. The lesson was on Faith Like a Child. I felt so full, so alive, like never before! My voice shook with power and energy. I can sense good things for this. A downside: Chris was being really mean to Ashlie, as he has a tendency to be, and she doesn't have the thickest shell, and she ran away crying. Everyone was shocked. Ams ran after her. I glared at Chris and snarled, "Sometimes you just need to shut up." He was taken aback.

Friday. A Vietnam veteran spoke to us about his experiences in Hagan's class. I sat with Laura B. in the library during study hall. I bought a cool watch. Chris, Lee, Ashlie and Hank came over. We saw Troy at the movie theater--it was awesome! We're seeing Van Helsing on Sunday. Debbie brought us some cicadas from her preschool. Chris, Lee and I messed around outside, abusing each other. Lee got scratched really bad on the face. Chris has a few nasty welts. My wrist is swollen like a balloon. I really hope it isn't broken.

Saturday. I was scheduled 9-4:00 but was off work by 2:00. Amanda and I went to Young's Dairy to meet up with Dad's side of the festival. It was packed, so many people there for some "Freedom Festival" thing being held there. We celebrated Mother's and Father's Day with our New Carlisle/Columbus relatives. My dinner there was grilled chicken and fries, and then we petted the animals there, played miniature golf, and got ice cream. On our way home we swung by the Cedarville University campus. I'm also considering KCC (Kentucky Christian College) or CBC (Cincinnati Bible College). 

Sunday. Church was good. I helped Mom teach class: the lesson was all about looking at the good in people and not the bad. Debbie brought in her cicadas to show the kids in JAM. I let them crawl on my face and kissed one with Lee. Ams, Ash, Zach, Chris, Lee, Dewenter, Cory, Ron and I all saw the movie Van Helsing after church. It was a B-movie. Too many graphics. Ash, Ams and Corey came over. The others all bailed on us. Corey and I went to North Park; it was super hot and humid. Cicadas were swarming the trees. Centerville, I hear, is downright infested. Corey, Ash, Ams and I drove back to church. A big potluck was going on. I chilled with Bryon, Megan and Trisha. Jeff called us together, we prayed, and then we dove into the food. We played some games. I kept to Chris & Dewenter. Dewenter had on his new Colorado t-shirt he got from Salvation Army he got two weeks ago. It's his new favorite shirt. Chris and I were having a laugh-attack at something Lee had done (I can't even remember what it was), and Kristen asked, "What's wrong?" I told her, "It's Lee! He's so funny!" Then she grabbed my arm and leaned close, it was so heavenly. Later she drenched my hair in whipped cream. It's all hardened up. Megan told me, "You're looking thin!" Zach asked, "What've you been eating?' Trisha said, "What kind of diet are you on?" I dropped Dewenter off at his place and drove back to the YMCA. Mom, Aisa, Jeff & Mindy were still there. I drove home and talked with God when alone in the Jeep. I really can't help it: I still want to be with Kristen, and it's seriously been like a 4-year ordeal!

the 19th week

The cicadas are coming! Swarms in millions will invade for weeks. Some estimates put them at one million an acre: that's 500,000 in our backyard alone! Amanda's freaking out, but I'm bent over in excitement. Cicadas: come! Feel the ground shake as they rise!

Monday. I wrestled with Doogie before school, and then I worked 4-8:00. Kristen & Ashlie saw me in the I.G.A. parking lot as they drove by and shouted at the top of their lungs. After work I spent the rest of my night working on a history paper and watching Reno 911. Oh: I finally got my Dell XP desktop computer paid off!

Tuesday. Ally and Stephanie came over with Lee after school. They're working on a dinosaur project for some class and are utilizing my knowledge. Lee and I shot pool after they left. I had chicken and rice for supper. We had our Small Group here, it's a D-Group for guys. We talked about what it means to be a "real man": wild, risky, adventurous, passionate, a warrior! Mom's amazed at how much weight I've lost. Everyone is. I feel better, too. 

Wednesday. The custodians at school keep commenting on how much weight I've lost. My normal shirts from a few months back feel like pajama clothes. In Art Class I'm working on a pretty cool calligraphy on Jesus' words from the gospel of Matthew. I took Ashlie home after school; she's not allowed over until Grease, the play she's in, is over. Ally came over with Amanda. I went over to Lee's and we helped Debbie weed the backyard. Bryon played guitar upstairs and Dad worked on their upstairs bathroom while Lee and I cleared the back, working around the two islands and the deck. I returned home gritty and sweaty and showered, exercised, got ready for bed, and talked to God before falling asleep.

Thursday. I spent the morning doing my bible study on the back deck. The birds were singing and Doogie was running around and sniffing everything. I sat on the porch under the brilliant morning sun and the purple cloud-drifts. Amanda's still scared of the coming cicadas. I finished Wild at Heart, want to study it deeper sometime, bit-by-bit. At school Hagan told me, "Anthony, we need to talk more." I said, "I just talk when I need to. And observe." He replied, "I respect that. I respect privacy. That's what I was like in High School." We had a good-bye party for the cute Ukrainian girl, and Hagan wanted me in the picture. That was pretty weird. After work Pat D. and Lee came over, and we hung out and shot pool. We grabbed change from the change-basket and marched to 1/2 Price, Border's, Salvation Army & Kroger. I got a William Wallace book, a Mickey t-shirt (inside joke), and incense. Pat D. bought a Colorado t-shirt and a bookworm t-shirt, and incense. Lee just got incense. We got back and watched Office Space, a hilarious movie. Amanda and Mom went to the Grease play Ashlie's in. Kristen and Shelby are in it, too. I took Lee home and Pat D. was gone when I got back. Meditation tonight: God is no formula, he is a person, and he loves me, and I love him, and we are friends. "I love you, O LORD, my strength!"

Friday. We only have 11 more days of school until summer starts! And that includes exams! Last time this year I was watching TV with Chris and Lee, listening to the rain outside, wishing summer had come. It came last year, it will come this here: and with cicadas! I took Lee home after school and watched Under Siege, a Steven Segal film, with Chris, Pat D. and Hank. I headed home. Ashlie's mad I didn't go see her in Grease. 

Saturday. I worked 9-4:00, it was pretty easy. Cops were patrolling outside, there were all sorts of wrecks in the intersection of 741 and 73. Mom, Dad, Amanda and I went to Applebee's for dinner.

Sunday. I'm at 160 pounds right now; that's 40 pounds lost in two months! The cicadas aren't here yet, but I'm hopeful! The message from church: God will open himself up to us if only we pray. Erica and Bryon told me I'm the nicest person at church. Ashlie gave me a big hug, was shocked at how much weight I've lost. She nearly fainted when I told her how much. I guess Kristen was amazed, too; she felt my stomach, gasped in surprise. Kristen's hair was braided and she was very pretty. I went to North Park after church, alone, to just pray, inspired by the lesson today. Amanda, Ashlie and Kristen went out for lunch. I spent the rest of the afternoon writing: I've turned 36 Hours into 12 Hours, making it a short story instead of a novel. I think that's a good call. The kid goes insane in the end. I went to Student Revolution set-up. Megan H. and I hiked up to Dorothy Lane for Jones Sodas. The message was on Sex, Love & Relationships. Lots of people were crying, like Kristin, Ashlie, Tara, Jackie, even Amanda. Amanda thinks Mom thinks she hates her. She's lonely a lot. And she misses Megan. I told her to stand up, take a risk, stop crying, and trying to fix things. Amazingly, she did: she and Megan are good now. Hank and I chilled out in the gym for a while. Jeff, our youth minister, farted on Ashlie and she started crying. Corey's been kicked out of his house and is staying with his buddy Jason. Corey got a nose-ring, said it didn't heart. 

the 18th week

You may notice that two weeks are missing. I tried journaling a different way and subsequently lost my journal. It's quite a pity. Lots of things happened. Here's a quick recap of the highlights from the 16th and 17th weeks:

(1) Lee finally asked Amanda out. She said Yes.

(2) Spring Break!

(3) I asked Kristen to go to the movies. She said No.

(4) Amanda dumped Lee.

(5) I saw the movie Dawn of the Dead with Chris, Pat D. and Lee. Twice.

(6) I started a book I will not finish: 36 Hours.

And now: the 18th week. 

Colonel Lee!

Monday. I worked 4-8:00 and came home to a dinner of leftover broiled chicken and Raman noodles. I hung out with Chris. He's talking to Ally now. 'Bout time. Pat D. tried to smear my name with her for some reason, and she ended up being afraid of me; but now she thinks I'm hilarious and likes me. I worked on 36 Hours: I'm six hours in, 30 more to go. It's going to be a long, last book! Amanda says I've lost a lot of weight! Mrs. Graber chose me at school for her Gold Coin Recipient. One month and Junior Year is over!

Tuesday. Ashley D. was late for her bus so I gave her a ride to school. She looked so panicked on the corner! Ashlie and I traded lunches at school. She and Lee and Chris came over after. We grabbed some food from my workplace, beloved I.G.A., and Doogie ate an entire loaf of bread. He's a fiend! Chris tore open a cassette tape in the Jeep, threw it out the window; the tape unrolled and the deck almost hit the car behind us. He and Amanda frantically wound it back into the car. Mom fixed us tacos for dinner. Chris got hair in my meat and then farted on my food. I got angry and hurled a pair of binoculars at him, leaving a ghoulish bruise on his thigh. He screamed, seemed on the verge of tears. I also stomped on his toes. Ally told Chris that she wishes she could steal me from Amanda so I'd be her brother. Ashlie heard and shouted, "No! She sounds like me!" She almost vomited at my peeling, raw, bloodied feet; I scratched them to all but the bone because of a bad case of athlete's foot. Chris, Amanda and I drove around Springboro taking pictures and we filmed a funny video. I made a mad dash to Small Group, was half an hour late. I was having so much fun with everyone that I almost forgot! The lesson was on the miracles Jesus performed, his power and compassion. We also talked a lot about angels and demons. Al G. doesn't believe in them. Lee and I talked about starting a small group for guys on Thursday nights.

Wednesday. Lee and I went to 1/2 Price Books after school. A black guy in a tight shirt glared at us because we were in the religious section (he was perusing the witchcraft titles). I bought a Max Lucado anthology on Jesus' death and two movies: The Blair Witch Project and SE7EN. We went back to his place and hung out for a while, and he went to work and Chris was supposed to help move his sister Laura from her dorm room, but she never showed; so Debbie said he could come home with me, and we got McDonald's and watched the movie in the basement. The fast food made me feel sick to my stomach: so many chemicals, you never know what you're actually eating. Ron picked up Chris for his Small Group. I was left home alone and did lots of thinking. See, I applied to Cedarville University, and today Mom came in with my submission: "You're in." My dream university! I prayed to get into this school, knowing full well how difficult it would be. Kendall, who's brilliant, wasn't accepted. And Cedarville sent me an application, without me asking for it, something they hardly do, except for the "wanted" students. Inside was a letter offering me two scholarships and asking me to come to Cedarville. My dream university is asking me to attend. I can major in youth or pastoral studies, a minor in Bible, maybe psychology. A miracle? I have high ambitions. Daydreams. Desires of serving God in different ways, making my mark in the kingdom. I want to begin a house church, and I want to see it swell. I want to become a youth minister or a Senior Minister; and when I'm older, I want to start a worship gathering called Just Another Worship Gathering, and I want to meet deep in the woods, surrounded by creation, and not in a building, but a large canvas tent, and we'll sit on rocks as chairs and revel at the foot-stool of God. We'll even have a foot-stool! But above all I want to be like Jesus. I want to be changed. I want people to see me and be attracted to Jesus. I want to be an example. And I want to lead others to Jesus, I yearn to see the lost knee-deep in the golden springs of God! And it's as if God is paving the way.

Thursday. At school I told Ashlie all about Cedarville and she burst into song, was practically on the verge of tears. Lee and Ashlie came over after school and we threw knives into a poster in my room. We all chilled on the porch and Chris walked over. Amanda serenaded us all on guitar. Forsake Me Not is in trouble because drummer Hank isn't allowed to practice or perform at shows until he gets his grades up. Mom & Dad had their small group tonight, and Erika S. babysat. I wanted us to worship in our room, but no one else did, and everyone laughed but Lee & Amanda. So I crawled to my room and played a solo on my guitar to God. It made me happy, joyful. All of us went outside and we played baseball, lit a fire, had a huge stick fight, and Chris grabbed the hose and started spraying everybody. So I went to the willow tree and grabbed a whip and went to town on him, left welts on his legs. We were all soaked and hurting by the end. I drove Ashlie home and Debbie picked up Chris & Lee. I am blessed with great family, great friends, a great (future) education, a good job to make some money, and God is wonderful.

Friday. I worked 3-8:00 after school. We were hectically busy the entire time. I was the only bagger. My right foot is peeling off, my back aches, and I think all this non-stop exercise may be wearing my body down. I must take a break. Ashlie left her glasses at our house, so I ran them by her house after work. I went by the Williams' to see Chris & Lee. Lee was working but Chris was home, along with Pat D. and Bryon. Lee's dad is a policeman in Centerville, and he caught Luke buying marijuana! When Lee got home there was going to be a party, but since I had to be in 3-8:00 the next day, I went home early. Amanda heard some people at school talking about Forsake Me Not:

Girl: "Who is Forsake Me Not?"

Boy: "Forsake Me Not? They suck."

Girl 2: "What a bad name. Why can't bands have good names anymore?"

Boy: "They suck sooo bad. They're never going to make it."

Girl: "Do they go to this school?"

Boy: "They're all high schoolers." (but Chris, guitarist and singer, isn't)

Girl 2: "Are they hot?"

Girl 3: "No way."

Saturday. I called off work this morning: my feet are bleeding. Aunt Teri & Grandma rolled in around 2:30 A.M. last night. I was asleep and Doogie greeted them. Grandma & I had breakfast at McDonald's, and then we went to K-Mart, Wal-Mart, and Best Buy. I bought a really cool game: Medieval: Total War. It's like Shogun, only better. At 3:00 I picked up Chris, Lee, and Ashlie. We hung out at my place for a bit and then we picked up Pat D. We hung out for most of the evening. Chris & Ashlie walked home, and Pat D., Lee and I went to China Village for dinner. A Chinese woman hovered the whole time, staring us down for at least two minutes straight without looking away as we ate. She finally left, and I said, "I thought she'd never leave." Then she CAME BACK and did the same thing, only longer this time. I couldn't handle it and broke into laughed, blamed it on Lee when she leapt forward to ask what was funny, and the three of us laughed for a solid five minutes straight, hard and choking and gut-wrenching laughs. Mom came into the store and yelled at us for leaving the house. When we were done eating the Chinese woman boxed up our food. We were getting ready to go and she came hurrying towards us. We were uncomfortable and quickly scurried out, forgetting our boxed food! She came out of the restaurant with our boxes and stood there in the entryway as we jetted out of the plaza. We went to Deal's to calm down, and then we went back to their place. Lee & Ashlie spent the night, and we sat downstairs and reminisced on the past: how everyone at church used to make fun of me, how I had no friends, how I was depressed, how we weren't friends and how Amanda didn't like me, how my only friends were Zach and Andrew, and how Andrew back-stabbed me. We talked about how Amanda used to make fun of Ashlie, and Lee made fun of me. And now we're all awesome friends. Chris, Lee, Pat D. and I happened to go to SIGNS together one day long ago, and a friendship blossomed. We talked about how Lee used to smoke pot all the time and get drunk at parties, but he's different now, "mellowed-out", so-to-speak.

Mother's Day. Aunt Teri & Grandma came with us to church, and they were shocked at the Metallica-like worship and thundering dancing. We ate out at Marion's Piazza for Mother's Day, ate out on the patio. Amanda and I got Mom jewelry and brownies. We went to 1/2 Price after and Grandma loaded up. Aunt Teri randomly gave both of us $20. I bought two awesome books on ancient warfare. Aunt Teri & Grandma headed back to Kentucky, and I went to Student Revolution (a.k.a. Rev) set-up. I talked to Chad about my Cedarville University plans and majoring in pastoral studies or youth ministry. Lee was there, too. He wants to be a youth minister, too. Chad is a sponsor, he thought my plan was awesome. Well. I'm tired. School's tomorrow. And I have to go to town with this athlete's foot medicine. It's a spray, somehow feels both painful and pleasurable at the same time. A teasing stinging of sorts. It's so weird, as am I. Good night.

the 15th week

my place of employment

Monday. I dreamt that there was a rogue virus during wintertime, and there were twisted human corpses littered about in the snow around our house, and I had to chop them up all Fargo-style. Sometimes I wonder if I could be a serial killer. I worked on a film & lit project after school with Kemper and Kaitlyn at her place, and then Lee came over to see Amanda. They wanted to be alone, so I went over to Chris', and we returned to the house. We played basketball and messed around with Dad's hatchet, which we found in the garage, and he wasn't too pleased with that. We got fake wine from Drug Mart and rented School of Rock with Jack Black and got ice cream from Dairy Queen. I took Chris home, and I spent some time in quiet meditation. Things learned: (1) Life isn't a foot-race, I need to relax; (2) God me who I am, and he loves me; (3) God has a plan for my life, so I just need to chill out; (4) don't be jealous of other peoples' romantic relationships: my time will come.

Tuesday. I'm a month into working out and eating better, and I've already dropped some pounds. I was really outgoing and happy at school today. Alyssa wanted to hang out, but I didn't feel like it. I watched the movie Wrong Turn and got Subway for dinner. Chris came over, and we hung out for a while before my Small Group at the Southard's. Kristen's going to Prom with Aaron K., apparently. Kristin D. asked her, "Why don't you go to Prom with Anthony?" and she just stayed quiet. Probably for the better, seeing our history. As much as I want to be good friends with her, maybe that's just not in the cards, seeing our history. We have one helluva "secret history" that no one knows about. During Small Group we talked about the Sermon on the Mount, and Pat D. and Lee came back to my place. We watched funny videos on the computer and Pat D. was picked up by his mom and I took Lee home. 

Wednesday. I skipped lunch at school and took Lee home. Chris was waiting for us at the bus stop when we got there. He wanted to come over, but Mom wanted a "day off" from having people at the house. I spent the day thinking about things with 412, things with Kristen, things with my life. I'm done with mediocre fellowship, I run full-fledged into Jesus' arms, and I'll dance in the river. I still want a girlfriend, I want to lose weight, I want to look good: simple things. I throw myself into God's hands, stepping back from the run-of-the-mill, W.W.J.D., latex theology sprinkled with half-forced smiles, and I plunge myself into the hardcore, confrontational, offensive and really loving Jesus 24/7 God-reality. Dad went running at North Park, saw Pat D. and Chris on the bike path. Dad & I went out to eat at BW3s, and I got some movies from the library, and we played basketball in the setting sun. 

Thursday. Kristen & I talked for a while today over AIM. She told me, "Anthony, I'm going to go to Prom with Aaron." Chris & Lee came over. Dylan swung by, too, and we shared great laughter and watched Me, Myself & Irene. Dylan left. Chris went to his place, then over to Ally's. Lee can't tear himself away from Amanda. Pat D. came over. We hooked up with Hank & Ashlie, went to 1/2 Price Books and Borders. I bought The Perks of Being a Wall-Flower. Hank & Ashlie went their separate ways. The rest of us returned to my place, and Bowden came over. Hank came by later, and Chris showed up, so we watched The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Tomorrow's the beginning of Spring Break '04!

Good Friday. Good Friday is doubly good, since it's also the beginning of vacation! My friends spent the night last night, and this morning Chris & Hank made barbecued eggs. Chris and Pat D. left. Bowden, Lee and I played basketball. Bowden's dad picked him up. Amanda colored on Lee's arm and they hugged. I took Lee home. Dinner was soup, and then I went to work. Kristen called me looking for Aaron's number, and I told her to call Dylan & Tyler since I didn't have it. I worked 3:30-9:30. Chris wanted to go see the new Dawn of the Dead movie around midnight. I said No. It feels like summer: warm, no school... Soon enough! I met Dad's college roommate and saw Kristin D. while working. 

Saturday. I worked 8-12:00 at the good ol' Springboro I.G.A., finished putting in my ten hours for the week. Lunch was at the house, and then my family and I went up to New Carlisle to celebrate Easter at Grandma & Grandpa Barnhart's. I got a plane clock, some candy, and money. And there was great food, of course. We headed farther north after we ate, visiting with the Bruce's for Cathy's 40th surprise birthday party. Amanda and I stuck to ourselves. Some girl came over and said we looked lonely. I made a little quip and she thought that was hilarious, invited her friends. I was popular for a brief moment, and I'll be honest: I didn't hate it. I met Kyle, Josh, Kayla, Kaitlyn, Chelsea, Alex, Jordan, and some others, but I can't remember their names. Ams told me Kristin D. thinks I'm the coolest person in the world; I don't know why she thinks that? At the party at the Bruce's I tried doing a "dino joke" and ended up with bleeding knees, my arms covered in blood, my face chewed torn, my hands chewed up, my glasses twisted, and some little kid crying. Weird how things turn out sometimes.

Easter. Because my glasses broke yesterday, I'm practically blind. Mom put together an Easter egg hunt for me and Amanda: I got some money to give to Bowden's dad, since he's hooking me up with a sweet computer. I worked a little on Woodland Alters and Starseed 2. I ran some errands and talked to Laura B. online. She's cool. Here are lyrics to a Limp Bizkit song I've been listening to a lot lately, a remix of a song by The Who, a song that seems to encapsulate my feelings as of late:

No one knows what it's like to be the bad man, to be the sad man behind blue eyes... My dreams, they're just empty, as my conscience seems to be. I have hours of lonely longing, my love is vengeance that's never free... No one knows what it's like to be faded to telling lonely lies..

the 14th week

Christopher Williams, everyone.

Monday. I worked 4-7:00 after work, and then Lee came over. He came with me and my family to Frisch's for dinner. I got the Atlantic cod. Yum! Healthy, too! Mom thinks I'm paranoid about what I eat. I just don't wanna be fat anymore. We had a pool tournament back at the house, and Dad won: he always does. I took Lee home, ran by the store for a journal, and then I went home. Rainy, muggy day. It's raining outside right now.

Tuesday. Chelsea E. was looking at me during lunch. I looked her in the eyes and she looked away, snooted. Alex S. is trying to woo Kristen to prom. His hopes are absolutely zero. I laughingly joked with Zach about it, and apparently Kristen had already mentioned Alex's unavoidable pitfalls. In ninth grade he got mad at me and told everyone I said that a kid from our school who died went to hell, and he told the Jewish kids at our school that I said God was sending them there, too. Some still hold that against me, even though it never happened. I took Lee and Zach home (Kristen forgot her brother for some SADD thing). I went to 1/2 Price with Chris, and we went by Border's, too. They're right next to each other by the Mall. Dewenter joined us. I bought a book on the weapons & warfare of The Lord of the Rings. We went to Salvation Army, where I got two books and Dewenter got a shirt. We saw Lindsey from 412 there. An Indian guy wanted us to buy his trinkets. At the Southard's we had our Small Group on masculinity in guys and femininity in girls. 

Wednesday. I missed 39 of 40 questions on my Math test. Kristen called me after work, desperate for me to babysit for her. Of course I said Yes, to help her out. Pat D. and Chris came over. We had a light dinner, and I took Ashlie and Amanda to their Small Group. Ron stopped by to get Chris, but we were gone; so we got Chris' clown wig from my place (Jeff's filming Chris wearing it for a CIY video), and then we took him to the Lloyd's. Pat D. and I chilled, watched the first Lord of the Rings movie. We played D-I-N-O (our version of HORSE). We picked up Ashlie & Amanda from their Small Group, left Dewenter at the house. Mrs. Howard let me in, and I went to the basement. Ashley, Angie, and Mindy were there, too. 

April Fool's Day. Ashlie & Lee came home from school with us today. We went to Family Christian for Ashlie & Amanda, and I got a fish/cross decal for my Jeep and The Case for a Creator by Lee Strobel. Amanda and Lee played pool, flirting the whole time, with Ashlie & I listening from upstairs. I ran down the steps and jokingly burst, "Are you going to ask her or what, Man?!" He croaked, "Will you give me some time, Buddy?" So he asked her, and she said "Yes." So now Lee & Amanda are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. Amanda went and got her haircut by Carl at Logan's Salon, and Ashlie went with us. Lee went to his Small Group for worship, and Kristen was there. I took Ashlie home, ate a bowl of ice cream before going to bed. Pat D., Chris, Hank and Bryon went to a hardcore concert tonight. As an April Fool's joke I told Mom that everyone at school thinks Amanda is a pothead. Haha!

Friday. I worked 4-9:00 after school, and I brought some grape juice home with me and watched TV until bedtime. God is so fascinating, so marvelous, so wonderful, so awesome. I'm so blessed to be a part of his family.

Saturday. I woke up, showered, studied for the ACT, and then drove around for a while before taking it at the high school. It was hard and over around 11:30. I had the day off work, so Chris, Pat D., and Amanda came over. Chris sat in the driveway honking my Jeep horn for about five minutes before Dad yelled at him to stop. Pat D. moaned, "What's he doing out there? He's being so loud!" We all went to Deal's: Chris & I got pocket lighters, Pat D. got some headphones for his backpack, and Chris & Pat chose a duck lawn ornament for our yard. I joked with Chris about something in the Jeep and he got mad, pouted all night, and then he just walked home. I took Pat D. home, watched a tv show on sharks, and went to bed.

Sunday. Corey came over, and we went to Kemper's place, but Kaityln forgot the video camera, so that fell through. Corey, Chris and I went hiking at North Park: climbing hills, traversing fallen trees stretched over ravines, burnt clumps of dead leaves in our cupped hands. We ran into Erica S. in a nearby neighborhood, and we also ran into Chelsea E. running the trails. She pretended not to know us even though no one else was even around. I've been thinking about how in 200 years, everyone on this earth will be dead, forgotten, ignored. Maybe it's best not to try and leave a legacy, to simply obey God, follow Jesus, and have fun? 

the 13th week

the ampitheater at North Park

Monday. After school I did a cardiovascular workout on the treadmill, and then I wrote ten pages on a possible story: Starseed: Resurrection. 

Tuesday. After school Lee & I went shopping, and I got a white shirt and some felt-tip and colorful sharpie markers. Back home Chris & Pat D. joined us, and I crafted a homemade dinosaur t-shirt. I dropped Chris & Pat off at their house (after Chris stuck my umbrella out the Jeep window and broke it); down the street Don, Angie, and Bryon were over at Shane's house. We joined up with them and went to Lee's Small Group. It was fun, the lesson was on the Beatitudes. The night culminated with Lee and I running around the Southard's house roaring like velociraptors. Darrell was upset, the neighbor was yelling at us. The neighbor got on his phone and Bowden shouted, "He's calling the cops!" I snapped at Amanda, Ashlie, and Lee, "Disaster strikes! We're leaving!" We ran out to the Jeep and jumped in. I gave a last raptor shriek out the window and we roared out of there. 

Wednesday. I was going to wear my dinosaur t-shirt to school but decided against it. Kristin and Ashlie were disappointed. Ashlie wasn't feeling well throughout her day. It was warm and rainy all afternoon, and then the rains passed. Chris came over (Lee was working), and we offered to pick up Pat D. and bring him over, but he growled, "Your place is too boring." So Chris and I went for a walk, and we were messing around with a doberman behind a chain-link fence, and the owner came out and yelled at us. We dropped off some library books and got non-alcoholic grape juice from the Drug-Mart across from his house. 

Thursday. My pregnant goldfish died today. Right after the fish tank started making weird noises. Coincidence? Lee came over after school. We went to the bank and I cashed the money I got back from taxes: $70, woo-hoo! But Mom took all but ten of it for debts. Lee & I went to Kroger's and did some grocery shopping, and I got two kick-ass dinosaur posters. Pat D. came over, and we crawled up Farmer's Hill, got all scratched up, meandered through the cornfield, hiked over to North Park and explored the new ampitheater, and we went to the frog pond. Debbie, Chris & Lee's mom, was running the trails. We hiked through the woods and found a dismantled fort, God only knows how long it'd been there. When we got back to the house Chris was waiting in the living room. We shot some pool and goofed off outside, and we played some music with the Jeep's back hood open and music blaring. Chris & I were the "raptors" team, and Amanda and Lee were the "parasaurs". Debbie picked up the guys, and Dad and I played some pool together. Dewenter has a cool blog, but he cusses in it: no! 

Friday. Another one of my fish died last night. I really think something's wrong with the fish tank. I'm reading The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring in study hall. It's amazing. There was an accident out by the farmer's market, made me late for work. Ricky and I had a blast at work, reading Globe magazines, throwing erasers in the fans, throwing stuff at one another. Some guys tried to start a fight our new bagger, Ryan; Trey and Linda chased them out. Back home I lost in a game of pool to Mom. Aunt Teri & Grandma M. came over. I burned incense and went to bed. Amanda's in Gatlinburg for the weekend with her friend Aly.

Saturday. Aunt Teri notices that I've been losing weight. It's good to see improvements. Work was slow, it has been ever since construction started next door. I took the Jeep to Wal-Mart to get an oil chance, and after picking up Mom, Aunt Teri and Grandma, we went out to eat at Fuddrucker's. I got loads of cash from them for my birthday, and Dad gave me some money he owed me from something, and I refueled the Jeep and dropped them off at home and picked up Lee, and we went to Family Christian. I finally got the dino-skin Message Bible I've been eyeing, as well as a cool necklace. We went to 1/2 Price Books with Chris & Pat, and I bought the Scientific American book on dinosaurs. Amazing stuff. Chris & Pat went to a concert with Hank, and Lee went to work. Dad went to setup, and Mom, Aunt Teri, Grandma & I went to Drug Mart. I got sunflower and pumpkin seeds, a graph notebook, some pencils, and Mom bought me sparkling grape juice (though all the adults got liquor). We ate dinner at Subbie's. Dad & I played basketball when he got back. Lee came over after work, and Chris, Pat and Hank swung by, ringing the doorbell and hitting windows, and scared Grandma half to death! Dad is mad. Lee and I passed out.

Sunday. I wore my dinosaur t-shirt to church, per Lee's begging. Some people were weird about it. Some of the students even mocked me for it. One girl said, "My brother used to be into dinosaurs, when he was five years old." And everyone laughed. I hate it. Chris & I went to K-Mart after church, drove out to Salvation Army (but they were closed), and we went to Best Buy and I got the Bf1942 expansion set. Dewenter loves it. Grandma & Aunt Teri left, and the guys and I played D-I-N-O basketball (kinda like the game "Horse"). Lee & I sat out on the front porch in the sunshine, and I told him I don't really like dinosaurs anymore, that I hate them and never want to get back into them. "Good luck with that," he said, looking at my homemade dinosaur t-shirt. Dad joined us for some basketball. Amanda came home from Gatlinburg and Chris broke my glasses. He really does break a lot, doesn't he? We all hung out until 10:00. Pat D. is on spring break. I wish ours were already here. 

the 12th week

our church is held in a gymnasium!

Monday. I slept in till 6:30: got to go in late because the Sophomores a year below me are doing some sort of new testing program. I worked 4-7:00 after school. My English teacher says I am very deep-thought-minded; i.e. "deep of thought." We were swamped with a theorized snow day on the radar for tomorrow. I babysat Glenn for Cathy G. Her husband's an awesome guitarist on the Southwest Praise Team. I've got two pimples, big ones, right above each eye: I look kinda like a ceratopsian! Oh: on my way to work some kid in a red Viper flicked me off and yelled "F*ck you!" I just smiled. So immature.

Snow Day! We had an unexpected Snow Day in March! It was odd. I decided to exercise a little bit on the treadmill, exercised for thirty minutes, want to lose some weight. Chris, Lee, Pat D., and Ashlie came over. We spent all afternoon in my room: me on the computer, Pat in the chair beside my desk, Chris lying on the floor, and Ashlie & Amanda curled up on my bed with Lee propped up against a pillow at their feet. We went driving around and Chris grabbed the Jeep's wheel and jerked us over a curb. Lee jumped out of the Jeep and I started going forward, and he was running in the snow trying to keep up. Ashlie's leg got caught in the door and her jeans ripped. Dewenter hates snow. Hank told Ashlie that I want to get to know Kristen some more. I guess it's true. She's been friendly, and we've been talking a bit more recently, I'd like another solid friendship. It'd make up for all the weird that happened between us "Back in the Day." Small Group was OK, the lesson was on the characteristics of Jesus. Kristen went downstairs for it. Oh, I picked up Kristin for Small Group and we got lost in the subdivision. I took Ashlie and Amanda to Taco Bell, ran Lee by his place, then took Ashlie home. It's still very snowy outside.

Wednesday. Got to sleep in till 7:30: Sophomore Testing continues. After school I went over to Chris & Lee's. Usually Amanda, Lee, and I walk to our cars with Kristen and Zach, but today Kristen hurried away from us, Zach in tow, so we wouldn't walk together. Damn it: I always read into things. She was in a hurry, it's not like she detests me. I went for a run at North Park, most of the snow having melted, but had to dodge pitfalls and death disasters in the winter-land. I wish it were warm. Chris left for his Small Group, and Lee and I watched We Were Soldiers and Lee got on the treadmill. We're both going to try and get in better shape: eating right and exercising. "The fat will melt right off," Dad says. He runs a lot, so he knows.

Thursday. This was the last day of Sophomore Testing, so it's back to 5:15 A.M. wake-up times from here on out. I ran on the treadmill for a good 20 minutes before school. I want to lose weight so bad! I've gotten into a new band, Imbortir, Chris showed them to me. I saw them in concert almost a year ago at the Cancer Walk. I picked up Pat D. after school: his sister is cool, though he doesn't think so. We got coffee and left the random cup on Jeff Sutton's door. Chris & Lee joined us at my place, and though most of the snow has melted, in the shadows behind the house there's still enough snow for a snowballs, and so we had a snowball fight. Mom & Dad had their Small Group, and our quartet went to K-Mart and then Kroger, just to get out of the house for a while. They left around 9:00. 

Friday. Kristen sang at G.R.I.P. this morning. I was nervous 'bout talking with her, being paranoid and all, and I backed down from talking to her and hated myself for it the rest of the day. Earlier this week I sent her an e-mail 'bout hanging out, haven't heard from her at all, it's seemed like she's been avoiding me, and the guys haven't helped, keep making me think it's spiraling out of control. When we walked back to our cars, Amanda saw Kristen and ran up to talk to her, and then she came back and said that Kristen hasn't even checked her email, has no idea about it, and she said the email was meant to go to Zach but there was a glitch in her email, so it went to her instead. I felt so relieved, the paranoia crumbling. Why do I always do this to myself? I worked 4-8:00 and have one heck of a canker core on my lip.

Saturday. Work was as easy as it could possibly be! It was warm today, high 60s and 70s. Storms coming soon, though. I'm excited: it's been forever since I've heard a thunderstorm! I went to setup at the YMCA after work, hung out with Pat D. for a while. 

Sunday. I'm doing cardiovascular exercises every day, as well as sit-ups, crunches, push-ups, the works. It was too cold to go biking this morning. Church was good, and Chris, Lee, Corey & I put on a playful skit for Mom. Corey, Lee, Chris and Ashlie came over, and we fixed quesadillas for lunch, watched some video tape from the Jeep ride that Chris filmed, and played pool. We went to 412 Movie Night at the futuristic-looking Rave theater. Chris & I sat in the front row. It was the movie Hildago. Dumbest movie ever. Chris & I were mocking it the entire time, so many laugh attacks. Chris and I were rolling over with Pharisee impressions. After the movie we returned to our place. Later on I took Corey to the YMCA, drove Chris & Lee home, ran by Drug-Mart and did some "Family Bonding" with Doogie. 

the 11th week

Hank & Ashlie!

My 17th Birthday! Amanda woke me up, hugged me in a great big bear hug, exclaimed, "Happy birthday!" She likes Lee. Mom & Dad got me a Passion timeline book, the full Message Bible, and a John Belushi poster from the movie Animal House. "Since you'll be going to college next year!" I took Lee home after school. Chris was sick all day. I helped Dad move our downstairs couch to the curb. We're painting the pool room, and the couch just takes up too much space. It used to be my bed, ha! Good times. The past is always pretty. ["Remember this."] I'm seeing the Passion of the Christ movie Sunday with Ricky & Josh from school, it should be fun. Mom and Dad took em and Amanda out for my birthday. We ate at Grindstone: steak, fries, bread, rice, a baked potato & sauteed shrimp. Yum! Then we all went to the Mall, and Amanda got some stuff from Hot Topic and Forever21. I thank God for giving me the gift of seventeen years.

Tuesday. I took Lee home after school and Chris came over. We played pool, messed around outside with a huge mallet and an iron crowbar. I almost hit a car head-on and Lee screamed his head off. I'm banned from "extra" driving this week, at least till Thursday. Chris opened the Jeep door and it hit a trash can; the door slammed shut and bruised his elbow something awful. There's even a small dent in the door now. Chris worked on his science project, a wake-up slapper, in our garage, and be broke Dad's drill-bit. Dad's not happy, especially with the dent in the Jeep's side door. Lee and Pat D. came over, Lee sporting his new electric guitar. We had spaghetti for dinner, and then we had Small Group. Jeff handed out books for us to read, we each have a copy of Wild at Heart. We prayed for one another. Back home I plugged in my extension cord, plugged in my crumbled lava light from two Christmases ago, and strung up multi-colored Christmas lights around my room. It's pretty bohemian.

Wednesday. Chris broke into our house late at night, and then called me at 3 A.M. to brag about how he did it. It's not hard when you know the garage door's unlocked. I decided to sleep in a little, tired from the phone call, and woke late: 6:40 A.M.! I rushed to school, made it on time. I took Lee home; he worked 5:30-9:30 at the music shop. My family and I ate at Olive Garden for Amanda's birthday, and then Mom went to her "Last Supper" small group. Our D-Group should do that sometime. Amanda and Ashlie went to their Small Group, their girls' D-Group. 

Thursday. Art turned into Study Hall. In Geometry we split up with partners and did worksheets. I picked up Lee from school, waited for Chris outside the Jr. High, didn't see him, so I drove away. Chris came running after us, saw the Jeep leaving. Disaster strikes! Chris showed me his "new Gibson": it's hilarious. We went back to my place, we played pool and made prank phone calls to numbers in the phone book, and then Mom served us a delicious pork supper. She ran off to Small Group. A big storm rolled through, blowing bottles off the street and into the windows. 75 mph winds! Pat D. came over and a laugh-fest ensued: Neo jokes, gay jokes, attacking one another, mad antics, weird noises, the usual hectic graves we dig.

Friday. "Back in the Day" I agonized over two things: (1) not being with Kristen, and (b) whether I should become a paleontologist. Now none of these bother me. Funny how time changes things. Lee & I went to G.R.I.P. in the music room at the high school before classes: it stands for Get Real In Prayer or something like that. After work I worked 4-8:00. When I got home Darrell & Rochelle were over, playing pool with Mom and Dad. I picked up Lee and we went to Erika S.'s graduation party. We got there pretty early, before people started arriving: it was me, Erika, Don, Angie, Amanda, Lee, Kristen, and Dustin D, and some of Erika's other friends I don't know. We had some cake and went into the decrepit barn where we played pool and ping-pong. Mom's mad about something Chris did, I don't even know what it was, but she says we can't hang out at the house tomorrow. Ricky said he can't go to see the Passion movie, and Josh can't, either. Kinda bummed out. But Chris and Lee spent the night, and Hank came over bearing the gift of Taco Bell. Hank fell asleep at the foot of my bed; Chris passed out crookedly on a half-deflated inflatable; Lee and I fell asleep in the bed, a long pillow dividing our swathes of land. 

Saturday. We fell asleep around 4 A.M. last night and went out for McDonald's breakfast at 8 A.M. Chris and Pat D. went to church practice at the Williams', and Lee & I went to Borders and 1/2 Price. We got to 1/2 Price and they were still closed, an old couple griping, "They're supposed to be open at 10:00, it's already 10:01!" Haha. We milled amidst the books and drank cups of nasty albeit free coffee. I got a hardcover edition of the Star Wars trilogy and the DVD of Schindler's List. We went back to my place, cleaned up from last night's antics, and shot some pool. Chris, Hank, and Dewenter were joined by us at Chris & Lee's. Pat D. had told Chris a secret about something he did, and no one knows why: Chris spreads secrets like sage-fire, evidently. Chris and Dewenter went for a walk to try and smooth things over, and Hank went to Ashlie's. Lee & I watched Super Troopers, which we rented from I.G.A. Chris & Pat returned from their walk, and Pat went with us down the street to a new local coffee shop. It's delicious, called Cafe A-Go-Go. I took everyone to the YMCA for church practice, and I was driving around the parking lot with Lee shrieking like he was an infected zombie, and I was swerving around cars screaming like he was a zombie. Chris and Pat D. were mortified. Lee and I went back to his place yet again, and we watched Schindler's List 'til midnight. It's a long movie. Chris fell asleep while eating pizza and I can't get the song Megalomaniac out of my head!

Sunday. I woke up Chris & Lee's, was too tired to go home last night. I grabbed McDonald's for breakfast and hurried to J.A.M. with Lee. I took Ashlie & Lee out to eat, then got another mocha at Cafe A-Go-Go. I took Lee home, picked up Josh, and we ended up seeing Passion. Josh liked it. I went to Lee's and hung out with him, cooked leftover subs from JAM. I ran media-shout at Student Revolution, there was a great video message called RAIN about those dark periods that drench us throughout life, dark periods that are meant to draw us toward God. Mindy's pregnant and we're all excited for her. Lee joked, "They're going to name it 'Anthony' after you!" and I exclaimed, "What a mistake!" I've been asking God to make me more outgoing, and over the last few weeks I've befriended some cool people: Katie, Bridget, Ashlie, Kristen, Chad, and Courtney and Carly, who know Pat and Chris and sometimes come to our morning and evening services. Great girls. God has blessed me with so many friends, so much love, such joy and peace; an adoring, loving, priceless family; and a charm that, when realized, can captivate. Sadly, I accidentally kicked Amanda at church and she collapsed in the middle of the YMCA corridor and was crying. I felt so bad. Chris completely blew off Megan, I felt so terrible for her. He's dancing around with Ally now. Kristen and I also talked a lot, and back in the day that would've filled me with so many ridiculous hopes and dreams. Now it did nothing, except warm my heart in friendship. I like that.

the *tenth* week

Chris, Pat & Lee: best high school buds ever

Monday. I picked up Chris & Dewenter after school and we went to Family Christian. A reporter was there, asking us about our take on The Passion of the Christ, and Chris even got to show up on TV! I got a new Message Bible. We went by Salvation Army, and Pat D. got some new clothes. I got a coat rack, a book, and several types of incense, along with a candle and some incense cone burners. Pat D. and I did homework back at the house, and then we ran by Kroger. Chris was being immature, making messes, not cleaning up, throwing stuff at me. My patience ran dry and I grabbed a CD case and hurled it at him, hitting him bulls-eye in the shin. He was cringing in pain. Chris is a cool guy, but he can be annoying sometimes with his "preteen persona." Mom fixed a delicious fish dish with macaroni & cheese. Pat D. headed out and so did Chris, and I curled up in bed and went to sleep.

Tuesday. Chris, Lee, and Pat D. came over after school. Lee was "kicked out" of Forsake Me Not. He doesn't care, actually prefers it that way. Pat D. wanted to go to North Park so we did. He and Chris sprayed me with Axe deodorant on our walk down there, and I sprayed Chris back, and Lee sprayed water all over me. I ran off into the woods as the trio threw sticks at me. I ran to the Hilltop, a secret little knoll in the middle of the woods with a single fallen tree and beer cans littering the tall grass. Pat, Chris and Lee made their way up, and on the knoll Pat D. threw another stick at me, and I tripped over the fallen log and sprawled out in the ferns. I went to get up and Chris threw a rock at me, and it hit me in the throat. I could barely breathe. I pulled the Axe container from my pocket to get them back, and I charged after them all and they were running down the hillside, and I stumbled over a root and kept my balance for a moment; but then my hands jerked and I accidentally sprayed myself in the eyes with the body-spray and I collapsed to the ground in agony. Pat D. ran over and grabbed the Axe and kept spraying me while I was down. Chris went to grab a rock to throw at me but ended up picking up dried dog poop. We brushed ourselves off and hurried back to the house, and I changed into new clothes. We ran by Jeff's place on our way to Small Group at Zach & Kristen's, and during Small Group I had to lead a sub-group of only girls on the subject of temptation. Ashlie found it hilarious. We ate at McDonald's afterwards, and I dropped Pat D. and Lee off at the Williams' and ran Ashlie home. She was getting out of the Jeep and I accidentally put the Jeep in reverse and hit the gas, and she nearly fell out. I couldn't stop laughing. 


Wednesday. Mom, Day, Ams and I went out to eat at Olive Garden, and I got their Seafood Portifino. I went over to Lee's afterwards. Chris was at his own small group. I felt kinda depressed most of the evening, feeling so rejected and alone. It happens. Sometimes I feel like everyone despises, loathes, and hates me. I feel left out, like I'm a burden. Hopefully these feelings vanish. Life is better when you're happy. How can I help people when it feels like I'm an unwanted, repulsive pest?


Thursday. I worked 4-7:00 after school, and then I picked up Chris & Pat D. and we went back to my place. My parents were having their usual Thursday night small group, so we went upstairs. Pat D. lost himself in Battlefield 1942 yet again--"This idiot is gonna get us killed... These people are so freaking stupid... none of these guys even know how to fight a war!" 


Friday. I still felt a little depressed, but it was wearing off. We had a power outage at school. I took Lee home, and in the school parking lot as we were leaving there was a three-car wreck. I worked 4-9:00, a very slow 5-hour shift. I work 9-3:00 tomorrow, and next week's going to feel like a vacation: Monday's my birthday, I work Friday (and only Friday), and I shouldn't have a whole lot of homework. After work I played some Bf1942 and looked up some info on the Peace Corps. I may look into it after college.


Saturday. I had two really weird dreams last night:


(1) Morgan from Geometry came over, and we were hitting it off real good, it was very promising, but then Dylan showed up, and she gave him all her attention and thus he swept her off her feet and stole her away from me. It made me mad.


(2) I was in a rocky valley pass. A death rider on a black horse galloped my way. I rolled out from under the trampling hooves, and then a demonic-looking goblin attacked me from the rocks, stabbed me in the arm, the leg, and the chest with some elvish three-pronged fork. I fought back, grabbed the fork, and stabbed the creature in its chest, over and over, until blood covered everything. The prongs were embedded in its scaly flesh, but I wrenched it out and kept stabbing it: in the face, the eyes, twice in the neck, and I cut open its cheeks. It screamed for mercy but it would not have it. Kinda messed up.


I burned a Boomshakalaka CD and blared it in my car when I picked up Lee after my 9-3:00 shift. We went to the Springboro High School Art Show. I have a charcoal drawing on display, it's a drawing of the Roman coliseum. Lee & I ate at Penn Station for dinner, and then we went back to his place where Chris, Pat D., and Hague (slash Hank) were prepping for tonight's Forsake Me Not show. All of them were 'too cool' for us when practicing for their show. Fools! Lee, Bryon, Debbi and I went to Centerville Music to buy Lee a new guitar, but the store was closed. Someone drove past us going 55 mph in a 35 mph zone, and Bryon flashed his lights, honked his horn, screamed at them. When we got back to the house the guys were gone, and Lee and I were going to spend the evening quietly at his place, but Ashlie's parents were going to the show (since Ashlie's dating Hank), and she offered to pick up Lee so he decided to go. Some people at 412 don't like Ashlie because she's perceived, in a sense, as Kristen's replacement, since Hank dated her right before dating Ashlie. I wanted Kristen and I couldn't get her. Kristen wanted Hank, but she couldn't keep him. It makes me INSANE, all this stupidity. 


Sunday. J.A.M. was fun but the kids were annoying, squawking like demon-possessed chickens. Mom taught our Sunday School class: she taught on servanthood, on how Jesus became a servant and lied down his life for us. Some students were baptized after church, it was super cool. Chris, Pat D. and Lee came over after church, and we ran to McDonald's for lunch. Chris & Pat D. decided to play a joke where they pretended to be asleep, and then they fell asleep for two hours. Their show last night was a disaster; Lee's so thankful he's out of the group. We went to the YMCA and joined up with the rest of 412 for an extended night of worship at a "torched" Shockwave at Wellspring Church. I didn't want to go, but Jeff was disappointed in me for not going, so I went. I rode shotgun with him in his new Expedition. The Shockwave was awesome: great worship, awesome prayer, heartwarming fellowship, a great message: Turn from Sin, Feast on God's Word, and God's Will Be Done! It was really windy and rainy during the drive home. I played some more Bf1942, read some more of James, and then hit the sack. Amanda is arguing with Dad again about something.

the sixth week

this ain't your everyday carpenter

Monday. Art class was boring, and we had a review in Algebra. Hagan was talking 'bout Boris Yeltzik and Putin with Elana, the most adorable Ukrainian girl ever. Our chemistry teacher went berserk in class, later apologized. Mr. Wertz has no control over study hall, and despite doing lots of homework over the weekend, I'm absolutely screwed in Accounting. I worked 4-8:00. This week I'm seeing the new Passion of the Christ movie, the one directed by Mel Gibson and starring the actor from The Thin Red Line as Jesus. It's R-rated, so some people say it's evil. That's dumb. This is a realistic movie portraying the actual historicity of Jesus' passion, the most momentous event in human history!

Tuesday. I took Lee home from school, and I waited for Chris at the bus-stop, crouched behind my Jeep. The bus pulled up. The bus driver told all the kids on the bus, "There's a Jeep parked on the road with people hiding behind it. No one talk to them!" Chris rolled his eyes, mumbled, "Oh, no..." End result: Chris & Lee came over, and we played pool and hung out till Jeff, Zach, and Dewenter came over for our D-Group. Jeff had a book about the Passion movie, filled with graphic images. We talked about the big question that's blowing up in the media: "Who really did kill Jesus?" I say the Jews squeezed the trigger. 

Wednesday. I dropped Ams off at Aly's after school. Chris came over, and then Dewenter came by. We burned plastic bottles into contorted figures with lighters. We played some more pool; I'm kinda getting bored of it. We got into my Jeep and picked up Amanda, then picked up Ashlie, and we dropped them off at the Howard's, and I dropped Chris off at the Lloyd's for his small group, and I picked up Lee, grabbed food from I.G.A., ate fast, and then we went back to the Howard's, picked up the girls, and then we dropped Ashlie off. We drove from the Howard's to her house with the windows down and the A.C. blasting, our bodies freezing in the extreme early-February night cold. Back at the house Lee was picked up by Debbie, and Dewenter was picked up by his sister. It was a wildly hectic day, and we're all super pumped about the Passion movie. Mel Gibson is awesome in SIGNS. George Bush, Jr. is opposing gay marriage. I think gay marriage is awful. Homosexuality is awful. It pains and angers me that people are accepting of it ["And it pains and angers me now to know that I actually wrote and believed this..."]. Catholicism is more accepting of it, but I think Catholicism in general shies from the truth, though there are certainly devout Jesus-followers in their ranks (though all the molestation does make this hard to believe).

Thursday. I'm starting to get mixed feelings about The Passion of the Christ, and I couldn't stop thinking about it at work. Don't get me wrong, I'm still excited about it. But I feel that the public's responses to it are just plain wrong. People are going to the movies to "find Jesus" when Jesus isn't found in a movie, but in our hearts, our minds, our souls, molding us, beside us. People seem to think that if they see this movie, it will move them to spiritual tears; but will the on-screen message stick? This movie, it's a piece of art, a wonderful piece of art, and nothing more: a sad but true story with a delightfully happy ending despite the grotesque carnage along the way. I think for Christians like me, it can be an eye-opener, a confirmation, or even "just another Jesus movie." I think it'll move--spiritually, emotionally, and mentally--those currently following Christ. But is it a good witnessing tool, mentioning nothing of the origin of sin, salvation, or even most of the Message? It's an artisan depiction of Isaiah 53, and those who aren't Christians probably won't be swooned to Jesus by it, but repelled, as has been the case of most non-Christian critics. The thing that draws people into contact with Jesus isn't a "movie of the year" by an anti-Semite but real friendships and relationships with loving followers of Christ. After my 4-7:00 shift, I did a lot of work on my Accounting project: I'm still screwed, but I don't care.

Friday. After school I worked 4-9:00, and on my 1/2 hour break I drove to Chris' house to hang out, but he was on a walk with Pat Dewenter. I talked with Debbie instead, then cruised around the neighborhood, then went back to work for another two hours, and some TV comedian came through our I.G.A. buying steaks. I spent the night at Chris' and bought peanuts from the U.D.F. in town, where I saw Mom & Dad refueling after their own dinner. Debbie bought snacks and chips. Lee came home from work around 10:30, and we went to Applebee's. It was Happy Hour and lots of people were silly and drunk. Dewenter and Chris went to bed early in Luke's room, and Lee and I were up until 3:00 A.M. I'm seeing The Passion of the Christ tomorrow, and I'm more excited than ever. Megan in Geometry says it really hit her hard, and she isn't even religious. Dylan & Tyler saw it Wednesday, and they cried. Vicki says people coming through I.G.A. say it's unbelievable. Vicki's a seeker, and she said the movie emphasized "just how much God did for us." 

Saturday. Debbie woke us up and we threw on our clothes. We took the long way to the theater, got in with only minutes to spare. I was so scared we were going to miss it. We found seats--I sat next to Matt & Lee--and the lights dimmed and the movie rolled. It was astounding, one of the best movies I've ever seen. While I didn't break into tears, I was choking when (1) Mary tried to get to Jesus but was burred away, and (2) when Jesus cried out in pain, "Father, forgive them!" The graphics were intense, the movie's stuck in everyone's head. The drive to the movie was loud and boisterous, but absolutely quiet on the way back: we were all deep in thought. Mel Gibson did a good job at hurling it home. I believe I left that theater changed. We ate dinner at Wendy's with Ashlie, Aly & Amanda. We parted ways, and my family went up to Columbus to the Witt's to celebrate some birthdays and eat delicious food. One of Megan & Matthew's friends read Hours of Horror three times, she loved it so much! We played Ghosts in the Graveyard and walked along the train tracks. Hannah was sandwiched and Bailey fish-hooked. Back home and before bed Mom said, "Christ did a lot for us, didn't he?" I nodded. "Yeah, he did."

Sunday. It was a fun, exciting, happy day. Zach, Lee, Brandon & I helped out Brian with J.A.M. at church, the little kids' service. We didn't have any student classes today: Roger spoke on the Passion of the Christ. It was a powerful sermon, lots of people were crying. The worship was intense, and we had a special communion (with Hawaiian sweet bread!) set out on tables. After church Ashlie, Amanda & I had lunch at the China Garden Buffet, and then we went by Chris & Lee's. It was boring: Chris was sleeping and Lee was working on a history project. Corey was there, and he came back to our house with Ashlie & Ams and me. We trekked down to the woods at North Park and hiked the slopes and waded after some kids' lost ball in the creek. We went to 1/2 Price Books and E.B. Games, and we went to Lazer Web in Centerville with a bunch of people from church. I got second place in the first game, fourth place in the second. Corey went home, and the girls and I ate out at McDonald's before we took Ashlie home. I finally caught up in Accounting! Ashlie is mad at her boyfriend (Pat) Hague; Megan's mad at Amanda; and Amanda's upset over Brad. So much drama. Oh: Dad baptized Mom in our bathtub today!

week 8

and so it begins...

Monday. I didn't sleep well last night, tossing and turning and bothered by nightmares. I was glad to wake up. I napped on the couch before school with Doogie roaming around the living room. After school I worked a busy 4-8:00. I went to Chris & Lee's when I got off. Chris was there alone, and he wanted to show me a clip from a movie he'd seen, and it was the church clip from 28 Days Later. I really wanted to see but I also really wanted to eat, so I went home and watched Jurassic Park while eating dinner: steak, herb mashed potatoes, and sauteed mushrooms. Mom wants to put me on depression medicine.

Tuesday. Last night I dreamt that I was alone in the woods on a bike path. A bunch of people in wheel chairs started coming at me down the path, and they were dead and bloodied. They knocked me into a pit, and when I landed piercing claws stabbed me in my back and in my legs, and it felt like a needle was shoved into my groin and poison injected. I woke up shaking, with one thought: Was I just abducted?! It was probably because of the zombie movie. When I fell back asleep I had another dream, where I was being hunted by a tyrannosaurus wearing a trench-coat and carrying an umbrella. After school Amanda, Ashley, and I went over to Chris & Lee's to watch 28 Days Later, some zombie movie they're really into. I really liked it. We left their place around 6:00 for bible study at Zach and Kristen's. On our way we swung by the house to get some bibles, and then through McDonald's for a quick bite to eat. The crowd was rowdy, but then everyone got serious. Lee's running the bible study, and I'm helping him out. We put the DVD in the computer, and Lee had me run the discussion group. I really liked that, too. 

Wednesday. We got out of school early today, and I took Ams to the health food store. Chris came over; Lee' was working on his history project--on dinosaurs!--and Pat D. was out with Carly. Ron picked Chris up later in the evening for their small group, and I ran by work to pick up some food and drinks. I said hi to everyone working there--Kelly, who's a guy; and Linda, Wanda, Michelle, and Vicki. Supper at the house was Doritos drenched in melted cheese and laced with pepperoni. Jared taught me how to do it.

Thursday. Chris and Pat D. came over after school, and we had a pretty great time: we hung a monkey from my fan and hit it with belts; we dug through the crawlspace (no stitches this time!) and explored the attic; Chris ripped open my pants; I made videos of Pat D. and Doogie on the computer; and Mom and Dad had small group. Amanda had her friend Aly over, and I burned lots of Pat D.'s Nirvana CDs. He's a fanatic. And, of course, Pat D. played lots of Bf1942.

Friday the 13th. We had the faculty/student basketball game at school today, but I skipped it. Why would anyone care about that? I got my paycheck from I.G.A., said Hi to Ricky, Ryan and Payton. The family loaded up and shipped out down to Kentucky. Amanda had to poop the whole time, so we kept stopping at exits and rest stops. Mike Savage was on the radio talking about the "filthy perverts who are taking over America", namely "the queers". He was talking about it because of all the Gay Marriage debates going on right now, specifically in Massachusetts, Ohio and California. I'm completely against it, and I don't care what you say. We stopped for dinner at Arby's, and we got to Grandma's around 9:11 (a number that will live in infamy!). I folded out Grandma's living room and lied in bed watching Morning with Bonnie with Dad, and I fell asleep watching The Cosby Show.

Valentine's Day. I woke up around [or, rather, exactly at] 8:18. I had toast, rice krispies, and bacon for breakfast. I listened to Nirvana's Unplugged while I ate. Grandma likes the album. I played video games with Dad, and Mom gave me a Valentine's Day card with ten bucks in it. Score! I watched a show on ancient oceans, and then Jesse and Jared picked me up, and we grabbed lunch at Wendy's. We went to Borders to read magazines, and I browsed the deals. The place was packed. We went back to their house, and we all took naps before going back to Grandma's. For Grandma and Grandpa's birthday we had Dominoes pizza. Jesse, Jared, Ams and I watched some weird Japanese shows on MXC, and we watched an interview with Howard Stern on dating the girl from the American Pie movies. Jesse, Jared and I fell asleep on the foldout bed.

Sunday. Grandma fixed an awesome breakfast: bacon, eggs, biscuits and gravy, with sparkling white grape juice. I joined Aunt Teri and all them for some afternoon shopping, and she spent hundreds of dollars on ridiculous stuff to put in Jesse and Jared's upcoming house. When we got back home from Kentucky, and I ran Media-Shout for Student Revolution. Jeff spoke on the 412 problems and how they need to change. He even quoted some stuff from an email I sent him sometime last week. He encouraged us to confess how we've wronged one another, and people were surprisingly open and honest. It was a pretty good experience.