the 20th week

zombies. i've been really growing fond of them.

Monday. We had our Gold Coin Reception during school, basically a bunch of us getting free food and drinks 'cause we're good students or something like that. Ashlie came over after school, and I saw a bookshelf on the side of the road, so we parked on the curb and got out and tried wedging it into the Jeep, but it splintered on us. Then a bus pulled up and unloaded some kids with us trying to yank out half the broken bookcase from the backseat. I worked 3-7:00, and when I got home Mom ordered us all pizza. I still can't get Kristen out of my mind. Sometimes I wish I never met her. The weather's been beautiful, oh so beauty. Nice and warm with constant peals of echoing thunder. 

Tuesday. Chris & Lee came over after school. Lee said he'll read 12 Hours. Chris wanted me to write a paper for him. I said, "No." I might help Hank with his paper, though. We all went to the Small Group at the Southard's and Chris worked on his paper in their basement. Chris, Lee, Zach and I played basketball before the lesson, and Lee hit me in the balls with the basketball, it killed. Dewenter got mad at me about something but cooled down. Kristen's amazed at my dieting, yelled at me to lift my shirt. "Umm, no. Maybe in another month." Everyone thinks Ashlie flirts with me and they were talking about it. I said to Lee, "Awkward." She isn't flirting with me. She's like a sister to me. But some people can't see that. I mean, she's with Hank and, despite their rough patches, she's genuinely happy. It started to storm really bad towards the end of the evening, and Kristen got a little scared. We left their place in a hard rain, and I took Dewenter home. He ran barefoot across his front yard to the front door, not wanting to get his nice shoes soaked in water. The storm clouds were phenomenal. Lee loved it, of course. He loves weather. I took he and Chris home. The cicadas will be here soon: they're emerging in West Carrolton at the moment. 

Wednesday. Hank is lucky. Ashlie is lucky. Last night he told her, "Sunday's message made me realize how much I really love you." Ashlie broke into tears and said, "I love you, too!" Hank said, "You know one thing I've always wanted to do? Hold a girl in a thunderstorm." It stormed all night, so last night he held her in the rain, and she was crying, and they kissed under the thunder and lightning, their first kiss. I'm so happy for her! Ashlie came over. Dylan and I were supposed to hang out, but he bailed on me again. We were supposed to see Shrek 2 or Troy. Amanda, Ashlie and I curled up in the basement and watched the VMAs from 2002. Chris came over and Mom went to the grocery, and Chris, Ashlie, Amanda and I went to 1/2 Price Books and Borders. I got two New Testaments to take with me to school. We watched Time Changer back at the house, a ridiculously awful and cheap Christian film. I told Ashlie and Amanda about my growing feelings for Kristen. None of them had answers. Amanda said, "Maybe she'll change her mind and like you." Ashlie said, "Yeah, she's becoming much more mature." I know I can't expect anything. Chris & Ally are still dating but going through hard times. Chris is super depressed about it. ashlie told me she and Kristen went to a party with people from school, and there was lots of crude, rap-style dancing with the shedding of clothes. Jake Cocholas (I accidentally pronounced it "Cockless" the first time I met him) was there, and he told everyone they needed to set good examples. All the current G.R.I.P. members seem pretty shady. Angie H. stopped going to G.R.I.P. because of its corruption. I can't stop thinking about Kristen!

Why can't I forget her?

How come I ever had to meet her?

Why don't my 'feelings' for her leave?

How come my prayers for her go unanswered?

Why must my heart suffer in longing every time I see her?

How long must I go through this grim torture?

Why is her face, laugh, her words so beautiful?

How come I feel this way about her when I can't have her?

Why must my mind play games with me?

Why do I fantasize over unreachable fantasies?

[this "poem" would show up in 36 Hours and become popular]

Thursday. A month ago I asked Kristen to the movies, and she said No. Only seven more days of school left. Ashlie, Chris and Dewenter came over. We watched SIGNS; I always shiver at the end of that movie! Bryon and Lee came over. Mom had her Small Group. Lee and I went through a dry run of our summer-hopeful with Chris, Pat D., Bryon, Ash & Ams at North Park. [This is the first reference in my journals to Amanda as Ams; the nickname must've been coined around this time] It was great. The lesson was on Faith Like a Child. I felt so full, so alive, like never before! My voice shook with power and energy. I can sense good things for this. A downside: Chris was being really mean to Ashlie, as he has a tendency to be, and she doesn't have the thickest shell, and she ran away crying. Everyone was shocked. Ams ran after her. I glared at Chris and snarled, "Sometimes you just need to shut up." He was taken aback.

Friday. A Vietnam veteran spoke to us about his experiences in Hagan's class. I sat with Laura B. in the library during study hall. I bought a cool watch. Chris, Lee, Ashlie and Hank came over. We saw Troy at the movie theater--it was awesome! We're seeing Van Helsing on Sunday. Debbie brought us some cicadas from her preschool. Chris, Lee and I messed around outside, abusing each other. Lee got scratched really bad on the face. Chris has a few nasty welts. My wrist is swollen like a balloon. I really hope it isn't broken.

Saturday. I was scheduled 9-4:00 but was off work by 2:00. Amanda and I went to Young's Dairy to meet up with Dad's side of the festival. It was packed, so many people there for some "Freedom Festival" thing being held there. We celebrated Mother's and Father's Day with our New Carlisle/Columbus relatives. My dinner there was grilled chicken and fries, and then we petted the animals there, played miniature golf, and got ice cream. On our way home we swung by the Cedarville University campus. I'm also considering KCC (Kentucky Christian College) or CBC (Cincinnati Bible College). 

Sunday. Church was good. I helped Mom teach class: the lesson was all about looking at the good in people and not the bad. Debbie brought in her cicadas to show the kids in JAM. I let them crawl on my face and kissed one with Lee. Ams, Ash, Zach, Chris, Lee, Dewenter, Cory, Ron and I all saw the movie Van Helsing after church. It was a B-movie. Too many graphics. Ash, Ams and Corey came over. The others all bailed on us. Corey and I went to North Park; it was super hot and humid. Cicadas were swarming the trees. Centerville, I hear, is downright infested. Corey, Ash, Ams and I drove back to church. A big potluck was going on. I chilled with Bryon, Megan and Trisha. Jeff called us together, we prayed, and then we dove into the food. We played some games. I kept to Chris & Dewenter. Dewenter had on his new Colorado t-shirt he got from Salvation Army he got two weeks ago. It's his new favorite shirt. Chris and I were having a laugh-attack at something Lee had done (I can't even remember what it was), and Kristen asked, "What's wrong?" I told her, "It's Lee! He's so funny!" Then she grabbed my arm and leaned close, it was so heavenly. Later she drenched my hair in whipped cream. It's all hardened up. Megan told me, "You're looking thin!" Zach asked, "What've you been eating?' Trisha said, "What kind of diet are you on?" I dropped Dewenter off at his place and drove back to the YMCA. Mom, Aisa, Jeff & Mindy were still there. I drove home and talked with God when alone in the Jeep. I really can't help it: I still want to be with Kristen, and it's seriously been like a 4-year ordeal!