why can't i forget her?

Why can't I forget her?

Sometimes I have to wonder. I sit in silent amazement, and close my eyes, and just feel it--it never leaves. When I close my eyes, the feeling presses me in the blackness. When I go to sleep, my dreams do not betray my hidden desires. Every moment I walk and every second I breathe, my mind is on fire and no one and nothing can quench the burning longings. Every inch of me wants to bow down, wants to love, to embrace, to cry out and talk and hold and be there to fight for and to be loyal, to sacrifice, to put myself to death even without warrant. I can't explain any of it. All I know is how it is--why, I can't explain and don't pretend to. I cry out for answers. I wail to understand. I beg for it to end--such beauty and wonder is torture on the mind if in the mind it remains.

Is it love? I wouldn't know.

Why can't I forget her?
How come I ever had to meet her?
Why don't my feelings for her leave?
How come my prayers to forget her are left unanswered?
Why must my heart suffer for futile longing every time I see her?
How long must I go through this hostile and agonizing torture?
Why are her words, her laugh, her very eyes so deep and beautiful?
How come I feel this way about her?
Why won't this end?
How come my mind plays games with me?
Why do I reach out and long for someone I can never have?

I want to see her sitting across the table from me. I want to hold her hand, to feel the blood rushing through her veins. I don't want her to look away, but to look at me and smile. I want to hold her in the rain, under the thunder and lightning. I want to be free and untethered. I want to run wild like the stallion, and be as ferocious as the lion. I want to spend hours driving through the countryside with her by my side. I want all this. I want it simple. I want her.

But it seems I can't have all this; I can't have it simple; and what kills, I can't have her.

Maybe it is just me being a teenager. But after countless prayers and attempts to forget, I am left empty and hurt and thirsty for her. It should take months to get rid of her. But I've been trying for years. She never leaves me. Never leaves. Never.