there is no time nor place

I was hoping to go to Kentucky this weekend to see my family and watch the Bengal’s opening game with them, but I just received news that I’ve been given a shift at work during the Bengal’s game, which means I won’t be able to see the game and, most importantly, that I won’t be able to see my family whom I haven’t seen for half a year. That pretty much blows. Hopefully I’ll be able to find someone to cover my shift? I sure do hope so. Though finding someone to cover a Sunday shift, especially when parties are going on everywhere, will be difficult.

My friend Mandy came over to the house yesterday to do laundry, and when Sarah jumped in the shower, we sat at the dining room table and talked about some things that I didn’t really want to think about. But then I ended up thinking about it for about half an hour before I went to sleep, and then even more today, and now I want to talk about it with someone but don’t really know who, though Mandy would be the obvious choice. Maybe I’ll talk to her later this week.

It is one of those things where if you keep it inside you, it could become unquenchable and then be nothing but a hindrance. Part of me hopes Mandy will slap me across the face and set me straight so my mind doesn’t keep wandering down these uncharted paths. I know that if anything actually happens, then things can get really weird really fast, and that’s not what I want at all. Absolutely not. I hate speaking so vaguely; but I don’t know who reads my blog, and I don’t want anyone to get suspicious (so in hindsight, best idea would have been not to even mention this; maybe I shouldn’t post this blog? Nah. I will.).

WEBN Fireworks

The W.E.B.N. fireworks were amazing, albeit loud. At 4:00, several of us met in the parking lot of the university and then loaded into two cars and drove down across the river and into Newport. Parking spaces were hard to come by, so we parked several blocks away from the riverfront at a gravel lot beside the train-tracks. While most people crowded the grassy slopes facing the river, we headed down to the actual rocks and claimed a spot. We created seats out of rocks, arranging them in geometric patterns. We ate gyros, pizza, hamburgers and French fries, and we broke out some kretek cigarettes and smoked those as we waited. As the sun set, the fireworks blossomed, and for how long I don’t know we sat there with our eyes pointed heavenwards as the fireworks crackled and shrieked and burst above our heads. My little sister was absolutely mesmerized, as this picture shows:

The evening was also hilarious, thanks mostly to my roommate Sarah. She has a tendency to do awkward things, even more-so than me, and to be thrust in awkward situations. Here are four that I vividly remember because my laughter was so hard:

1) While walking around Newport with me, my sister Amanda, and Amanda Hoos, Sarah accidentally went ahead of the group, not realizing we were left behind. Some girls next to her said, “It’s amazing how people don’t even try to hide their intoxication,” to which Sarah replied, “Yeah, that guy right up there can’t even walk straight!” It was then that Sarah realized she was talking to complete strangers, and the girls just stared at her and she stared right back, then awkwardly stopped walking and waited for us to catch up.

2) While standing in line for the bathrooms, Sarah made a comment about some girl she’d seen who was making a weird face; she reenacted the face just as the girl in front of us turned and looked at her. Sarah held the face, locking eyes with the girl, and then the girl looked away, stood there awkwardly for a moment, and then went to another line.

3) When Sarah finally got into the bathroom, my sister made the comment, standing in the next line for the porta-john, “When she comes out, knowing her luck, she’ll hit someone with her door.” Just then several workers carrying supplies walked in front of the bathrooms, and we held our breaths. They passed, and we heard Sarah pulling the lock back on the door. Just then a worker, straggling behind, rushed forward just as Sarah pushed open the door, and the door slammed into his face. I jumped up and down, I was so excited.

4) At the end of the evening, Sarah went to the bathroom and forgot to lock the door. As she was peeing, a man opened the door to use the bathroom and just stared at her. He started babbling apologies as he left, and Sarah quit peeing earlier than anticipated and zipped up and quickly left, humiliated.

All-in-all, it was a wonderful night, and we all had a blast—and Sarah and I passed out the moment we got home.

the lehman house [19]

Ams & Sarah, from the WEBN fireworks Sunday

Labor Day. I slept until noon and then went by Aroma’s for an Americano made by Jessie. I worked 3:30-7:30 and spent the evening drinking coffee and studying 1 Corinthians 8-10. Mandy H. came over for a couple hours to do laundry, and she and Sarah had a nice and hopefully fruitful talk about the Keith situation. They looked at pics of me from my freshman and sophomore year. “You were so cute!” Mandy exclaimed; Sarah said, “You were a stud!” I wish I would’ve lost weight over the summer. I wouldn’t be ashamed and humiliated in public. Rob came over for a bit after his closing shift at the Hilltop, and I passed out when he and his wife left.

Tuesday. I had class till 4:00 (Daniel & Jeremiah) and found Kevin at the house when I returned. Sarah was at Keith’s all day. I went to the Hilltop to dick around, not a whole lot was going on. I walked around campus, thinking about Sarah (see below), and I got depressed: “She chose Keith over me?” Self-image issues. I called Mandy K. and talked to her for a bit. Gambill came by the house and we sat on the front porch and talked late into the night. Okay, regarding Sarah…

Last night Mandy asked me, “Would you date Sarah?”

“No,” I said. But then I changed my answer: “Maybe.”

“I think you would be good for her,” she said.

As I fell asleep, I thought about it a lot. Though I’ve messed up in the past, I do want to be a Redeemer of sorts. I want to date a girl who’s never been truly loved, and I want to dote on her and lavish my love on her and treat her like a princess. Sarah’s known only cheap love, and not even that. Truth be told, sometimes I do find myself attracted to her; I wanted to wrap my arms around her at the WEBN fireworks Sunday. But I squash it immediately. Though I may decide I want to date her, and though she wants a “good guy” who will treat her right (which, God knows, I would do), I still know she wouldn’t date me. And why? It’s quite simple, really: as much as she says she wants a Good Guy, what matters most to her is physical and sensual fulfillment. She fucks Keith because he looks like Justin Timberlake (albeit a white trash version). She gets excited when her hot friends joke around with her sexually. She plays with her dildo and lets guys watch. And then she complains about how there are “no good guys” when she (a) treats herself like a sex toy and (b) I’m fucking right in front of her! She can say whatever she wants. But as long as she rejects good guys for superficial reasons, she won’t find a good guy. Most “good guys” (not all, including myself) wouldn’t want to be with her.

If I do end up wanting to be with her, she wouldn’t date me. And that’s that.

Oh, she’d have excuses. Mostly, “We’re too good friends.”

But in the end, it’ll be because I’m not up to par with her physical demands.

That’s how it’s always been.

Wednesday. I worked 9:30-1:00, had lunch with Julie B., then went to class. My evening was spent at the Hilltop hanging out with Bullard, Jessie, and Aubrey. I got an iced Americano and went back home and sat on the front porch reading theology.

Thursday. I went to the Hilltop around 10:00, hung out with Rob and Mandy and Sam F. A cute commuter named Maggie is in the coffee shop a lot. She’s friends with Mandy. “She’s super sweet and kinda awkward. You should talk to her.” I was too scared today. I tagged along with Gambill for a trip to the Covington Shell Gas Station, and then we ate lunch at the Golden Eagle with Rob, Mandy, and Jessie. Class went well, and after mowing the lawn I grabbed Skyline with Sarah. Mandy came over, and we spent the evening drinking and chatting on the front porch. She left at 10:00—“Rob’s going to want to have sex, I just know it.”—and Sarah & Ams went to Chris’ place.

Friday. I met up with Gambill & Kyle and we hammered out our Greek studies. Mandy joined us. I took a nap until 5:00, dreamt that Sarah and I were cuddling naked. Weird. Jobst and I went to ½ Price, then ran by the Hilltop for a latte and coffee. I spent the evening working on my 1 Corinthians exegesis. Two kids from Bloc came by, Jessie and Gambill know them, so I gave them cookies and milk.

Saturday. I went to Dayton today. Finished half a paper that’s due Monday, took a nap with Tanner, and visited with Mom & Grandma M. Well, Grandma L. now. It’s still weird to me that she and Grandpa M. are divorced. Back in Cincinnati I cleaned around the house and ran some errands, spent the evening studying 1 Corinthians 1-4. It’s complicated and will take me a few days, even a week, to grasp it. And I’m a Senior at Bible College!

Sunday. I worked at noon; we were open for the Bengals game broadcasted in Student Life. I worked six hours, and we only had like five customers an hour. A financial flop, a really dumb idea. I made a sign out of broken pretzels that reads Lust Laugh Learn. Ha. After work I spent the evening alone at the house: Ams & Sarah went over to Tiz and Chris’ place.

the lehman house [18]

Monday. I worked 9:30-1:00 with Nate, Rob, and Matt. I had class till 3:00 followed by lunch with Jessie. I napped back home, went to the Hilltop come evening, but no one was around so I headed back home and spent the evening watching TV and went to bed early.

Tuesday. I had class at 12:30 with Kyle after an enjoyable lunch with Rob, Gambill, and Brian W. I worked 4-7:00 with Andy W. and had dinner with Sarah and Ams back at the house. I spent most of the night hanging out in the Student Life Center, writing and hanging out with Sarah G. and her boyfriend David.

Wednesday. I waited on Courtney at work. An iced mocha for her and another for her fiancé. Hearing her voice made my heart ache. I ate lunch with Mandy H., and then Ams and I headed to Dayton and met up with Mom & Dad for dinner at Marion’s, and then I went by my parents’ house to see Dylan; we sat on the front porch and smoked and talked. I returned to Cincinnati, and I joined Gambill, Sa-Rah and Jobst for a journey downtown to the Serpentine Wall on the riverfront (we were kicked out by a ranger around midnight). We returned to my house and sat on the stoop talking till about 2 AM. I took Jobst home after he puffed his pipe.

Thursday. Ams was out till about 9 AM, hanging out with Tiz and Chris S. She said they think I’m cool. Apparently Mandy H. has been talking me up to them. After my classes I grabbed a latte from the Hilltop and hung out with Sarah at the house. She headed to U.C. to give her estranged brother a ride to the hospital, and Mandy and I went to the Fort Wright, KY Wal-Mart. She bought stockings and almost hit a little girl. Later, Sarah and I went to Newport for dinner at Dewey’s Pizza after perusing Barnes & Noble, and then we saw “District 9” at the AMC.

Friday. I ran into Kylie S. at the bank and saw Becky C. walking up Wing on my way home. I went to the Hilltop and played “Super Ping Pong” with Gambill: it’s where you play between TWO tables instead of one. Sarah and I were supposed to go together to Nate’s house for a fire, but at the last minute (literally) she bailed to go to Keith’s. I was PISSED. I took rent to Justin and then headed to Nate’s place for an evening hanging out with Amos, Nate, and Kirby. When I got back home, Sa-Rah and Gambill were on the front porch. We sat and talked till about midnight when Sa-Rah had to go do Dorm Duty in Almuni. Sarah called and said she was miserable at Keith’s and didn’t want me to be mad. “I’m just frustrated,” I told her. “I was really looking forward to hanging out with you tonight.”

Saturday. I went to brunch at the Golden Eagle with Jessie; we haven’t gotten to hang out for like a week. I ran by Aroma’s to see her come afternoon and did some work online. Around 10:00 PM, Sarah and I joined Amos at Applebee’s for dinner and drinks. Ams has been seeing a black guy named Christ S., he’s from England, and he seems cool. Definitely not a Will. Sarah and I met him, walked to his house on Lehman. Sarah drank beer and I had rum. Sarah and I left around 2 AM and were up until 4 AM talking about God and repentance while drinking beer and smoking cigarettes on the front porch.

Sunday. My sermon at NHCC went really well. It was on faith, dealing with tough issues. After a pit stop at an empty house in Dayton, I rushed down to Cincinnati and at 4:00 Sarah, Ams and I met up with Nate, Jessica C., Kirby, Mandy H., and Kirby’s brother and his girlfriend at the school parking lot. We crammed into two cars and went to Newport. Got a seat right on the rocks right by the river. Tony and Kayla T. joined us. Sarah and I got gyros, drinks, and shared yogurt. The place got crowded: 50,000 people crammed against the river. At 9:00 the WEBN fireworks went off. Spectacular! So many laughs. “They’ve lost control of the barge!” And Sarah was being awkward as usual. Sarah and I sat on the porch and talked late into the night before I headed to my room and she went down to hers.

and this is who we are

a message from jessie myers

jessie is awesome and i love her very much

dark and faceless creatures

This has been a good week. Here are the top highlights: 1) seeing my good friend Dylan. I went up to Dayton for several hours, and Dylan came over to the house in his new car. We sat out on the porch and drank coffee and talked for about an hour and a half. The visit was unexpected but well accepted. 2) Wednesday night, I got to spend time with Gambill, Sa-Rah, and Jobst late into the night. We sat out on my front porch for several hours and shared lots of laughs. When Gambill and Sa-Rah left, Jobst lit up his pipe and smoked delicious-smelling tobacco. 3) Roommate date with Sarah. We went to Newport on the Levee, browsed Barnes & Noble, ate at Dewey’s Pizza (expensive but amazingly delicious), and then saw the new movie “District 9” at AMC Theatre. Tonight I may be going down to the Serpentine Wall with some people; or I may go to a door-burning party at Nate’s; or I may spend the night inside the house working on a new book I’m slowly piecing together. Here is the opening paragraph to the new novel:

In his sleep he is haunted by dark creatures wreathed in shadow with faceless eyes burning like twin oil lamps sputtering in a stale and breathless wind. They stand hunched over his bed and watch with no emotion, with neither wrath nor love, with neither sympathy nor empathy, just watching in a detached curiosity, as man once watched behind Plexiglas and iron bars the creatures drawn forth from the darkest corners of earth. And as he struggles from his sleep, they break away and slink into the shadows, and the shadows absorb them, and they become nothing more than whispering memories that will fade with the breaking dawn.