the lehman house [19]

Ams & Sarah, from the WEBN fireworks Sunday

Labor Day. I slept until noon and then went by Aroma’s for an Americano made by Jessie. I worked 3:30-7:30 and spent the evening drinking coffee and studying 1 Corinthians 8-10. Mandy H. came over for a couple hours to do laundry, and she and Sarah had a nice and hopefully fruitful talk about the Keith situation. They looked at pics of me from my freshman and sophomore year. “You were so cute!” Mandy exclaimed; Sarah said, “You were a stud!” I wish I would’ve lost weight over the summer. I wouldn’t be ashamed and humiliated in public. Rob came over for a bit after his closing shift at the Hilltop, and I passed out when he and his wife left.

Tuesday. I had class till 4:00 (Daniel & Jeremiah) and found Kevin at the house when I returned. Sarah was at Keith’s all day. I went to the Hilltop to dick around, not a whole lot was going on. I walked around campus, thinking about Sarah (see below), and I got depressed: “She chose Keith over me?” Self-image issues. I called Mandy K. and talked to her for a bit. Gambill came by the house and we sat on the front porch and talked late into the night. Okay, regarding Sarah…

Last night Mandy asked me, “Would you date Sarah?”

“No,” I said. But then I changed my answer: “Maybe.”

“I think you would be good for her,” she said.

As I fell asleep, I thought about it a lot. Though I’ve messed up in the past, I do want to be a Redeemer of sorts. I want to date a girl who’s never been truly loved, and I want to dote on her and lavish my love on her and treat her like a princess. Sarah’s known only cheap love, and not even that. Truth be told, sometimes I do find myself attracted to her; I wanted to wrap my arms around her at the WEBN fireworks Sunday. But I squash it immediately. Though I may decide I want to date her, and though she wants a “good guy” who will treat her right (which, God knows, I would do), I still know she wouldn’t date me. And why? It’s quite simple, really: as much as she says she wants a Good Guy, what matters most to her is physical and sensual fulfillment. She fucks Keith because he looks like Justin Timberlake (albeit a white trash version). She gets excited when her hot friends joke around with her sexually. She plays with her dildo and lets guys watch. And then she complains about how there are “no good guys” when she (a) treats herself like a sex toy and (b) I’m fucking right in front of her! She can say whatever she wants. But as long as she rejects good guys for superficial reasons, she won’t find a good guy. Most “good guys” (not all, including myself) wouldn’t want to be with her.

If I do end up wanting to be with her, she wouldn’t date me. And that’s that.

Oh, she’d have excuses. Mostly, “We’re too good friends.”

But in the end, it’ll be because I’m not up to par with her physical demands.

That’s how it’s always been.

Wednesday. I worked 9:30-1:00, had lunch with Julie B., then went to class. My evening was spent at the Hilltop hanging out with Bullard, Jessie, and Aubrey. I got an iced Americano and went back home and sat on the front porch reading theology.

Thursday. I went to the Hilltop around 10:00, hung out with Rob and Mandy and Sam F. A cute commuter named Maggie is in the coffee shop a lot. She’s friends with Mandy. “She’s super sweet and kinda awkward. You should talk to her.” I was too scared today. I tagged along with Gambill for a trip to the Covington Shell Gas Station, and then we ate lunch at the Golden Eagle with Rob, Mandy, and Jessie. Class went well, and after mowing the lawn I grabbed Skyline with Sarah. Mandy came over, and we spent the evening drinking and chatting on the front porch. She left at 10:00—“Rob’s going to want to have sex, I just know it.”—and Sarah & Ams went to Chris’ place.

Friday. I met up with Gambill & Kyle and we hammered out our Greek studies. Mandy joined us. I took a nap until 5:00, dreamt that Sarah and I were cuddling naked. Weird. Jobst and I went to ½ Price, then ran by the Hilltop for a latte and coffee. I spent the evening working on my 1 Corinthians exegesis. Two kids from Bloc came by, Jessie and Gambill know them, so I gave them cookies and milk.

Saturday. I went to Dayton today. Finished half a paper that’s due Monday, took a nap with Tanner, and visited with Mom & Grandma M. Well, Grandma L. now. It’s still weird to me that she and Grandpa M. are divorced. Back in Cincinnati I cleaned around the house and ran some errands, spent the evening studying 1 Corinthians 1-4. It’s complicated and will take me a few days, even a week, to grasp it. And I’m a Senior at Bible College!

Sunday. I worked at noon; we were open for the Bengals game broadcasted in Student Life. I worked six hours, and we only had like five customers an hour. A financial flop, a really dumb idea. I made a sign out of broken pretzels that reads Lust Laugh Learn. Ha. After work I spent the evening alone at the house: Ams & Sarah went over to Tiz and Chris’ place.