the lehman house [21]

Ams and her pumpkin seeds

Monday. I worked 9:30-1:00 and had a smoothie for lunch. Last night I dreamt Sarah and I were boyfriend and girlfriend. I ate lunch with Sarah G. from work and her friend Brittany C. Mandy K. and I went to Sitwell’s Café in Clifton and then to the porch, chatting for two hours. I don’t think I like her anymore, which is good, ‘cause she’s planning on high-tailing it to Venezuela to be a missionary. When Sarah got home we sat on the front porch and talked about our depressing, unfruitful lives. “Courtney’s getting married on the 2^nd, and all I can see is her moving forward while I move backwards.” We fixed rice for dinner and watched “Silent Hill” and when Ams got back we made a funny video where she was a cokehead stripper and I was her pimp. Chris and Tiz came over at Ams’ request to see it; they laughed a lot.

Tuesday. Jess Lynn called me last night, asked if I was lonely. “Yes, very much so.” She asked why, and I gave her a laundry list of reasons: losing friends, hopeless romanticism, Courtney’s upcoming wedding, and then she fell asleep on the phone. Mandy H., Jobst and I got dinner at Thai Taste in Western Hills where we talked a lot about fishing, of all things. Sarah spent the night at Keith’s. She’s more pathetic than I am.

Wednesday. I was working and in class till about 3:00. I had a late lunch with Sarah from work and Brittany, and then Julie B. and I went splashing through rain puddles as I walked her to her car. I napped till 5:30 and Sarah woke me up when she got home. Mandy H. came over to do laundry and hang out, and Gambill joined us, too. Mandy K. returned to Chicago. I was up into the early morning writing. When I finished I went out onto the porch and stretched my worn fingers and smoked a cigarette, a heavy mist, illumined by the streetlights, rolling in from the west.

Thursday. Mandy H. came over after classes, and we got Chipotle for dinner. A drunk and senile man came onto my front porch begging for a ride to Westwood. Our compassion got the best of us, and we agreed. After running around Cincinnati for an hour, and after him threatening us, we dropped him off at a bar in Warsaw. He spit up all over Mandy’s car. We got the hell outta there. Mandy was terrified. I hurried to the library to help two girls with their Greek homework, and I spent the evening studying 1 Corinthians and missing Sarah. She’s in Wilmington tonight and maybe tomorrow night, too.

Friday. Autumn’s settling in. The trees still look the same, but it’s been cold and rainy all week. I went to the library to help Kyle with Greek. He’s dating a girl named Vicki now. And he has three cracked ribs. “This is why I shouldn’t hang out with you: it hurts to laugh, and you make me laugh.” I went to the Hilltop and ordered a drink. Ally made it wrong, but it still tasted good. I went on a walk with Jessie and Mykaela, tried to hang out with some other people but they were busy, and when I got home I was overwhelmed with a wave of suffocating loneliness. I couldn’t stop thinking about Courtney getting married in a couple of days, her dreams coming to fruition, and I lie in bed on the verge of tears, fighting the urge to cut my arms with a razor. Those days are past, I can’t give in. Any mess up could send me spiraling out of control.

Saturday. A cat shit all over our chairs on the front porch. Dylan came down from Centerville. We went to Newport and browsed Barnes & Noble and saw the movie “Surrogates” at the AMC. We made chicken and bacon quesadillas back at Lehman. Sarah came over and we played The Office Trivia. We went to Blockbuster to get some awful movies—“Teeth” and “The Gingerdead Man”. A big storm came through. Dylan crawled onto one of our spare mattresses I pulled up from the basement, and I crawled into my own bed. Sarah sat on the bed beside me and scratched my head and we talked about antinomianism, legalism, persecution, postmillennialism, and repentance until 3 AM.

Sunday. Dylan headed home. Sarah and I cleaned the house and watched “Braveheart.” We ran to Kroger for more cleaning supplies and we bought a pumpkin. Ams joined us and we carved the pumpkin after the Steelers vs. Bengals game. I salted and baked the seeds. Sarah went to Keith’s. I headed to the Hilltop, and I sat with Jessie in the café and told her, “I’m really falling for Sarah, and it sucks.” Why does it suck? Because I can’t be with her. And why? Because she wants a guy who has something I can’t offer. Sarah called me in tears, said Keith broke up with her because she wouldn’t mess around with him. “If you won’t suck a dick, what’re you good for?” he snarled. Yeah, he has a high view of women. She came home, was really quiet and depressed all evening. I want to be the boy who changes her world but right now all I can do is be there for her, and in that way love her.