I had a wonderful time at my girlfriend's place this weekend. We went out to eat with her sister at an authentic Mexican restaurant (amazing!), then we watched The Island with her hilarious mom. We sat on the couch and talked for a few hours before exhaustion overcame us both; she crept up to her bedroom and I sprawled out on the couch, knocked out in a mere few moments. Today has been a hard day; although being with her redeemed much of it, I have been rather depressed. I was unable to refill my prescription on Monday, so I haven't had my depression medicine for nearly a week. I am beginning to feel a difference. I have no energy, no desire to be active, and I find myself lost in empty, vacant thoughts that go nowhere. I hate this feeling. I apologized to Courtney for it, but she understood and was just happy to sit with me for much of yesterday. She really is a great, compassionate girl and I am really happy to be with her.

I don't have much planned for this weekend. Tomorrow Dad and I are going to go see a movie, probably Ghost Rider (the new one with one of my favorite actors, Nicholas Cage). I *might* be teaching class on Sunday; it depends on whether or not the students are left in the main service for Roger's message or are dismissed to their own classes as usual. Easter--along with other religious holidays--seems to throw these things in a loop sometimes. The next lesson will be on Hebrews 6, and it looks like a pretty good chapter, convicting to me and hopefully convicting to the students as well.

Here are the classes I am going to be taking this summer and into next semester:

Modern Ethical Problems: Jim Snyder
Dangerous Earth: Reuben Bullard
Pentateuchal Studies, the Exodus: Dan Dyke
New Testament Seminar: Jamie Smith
Church Growth/Church Planting: Larry Travis
The Gospel of Luke: Jon Weatherly

Easter Break started today. Most of the students have left campus, but I will be here till about 5:30. I am going to my girlfriend's house tonight to watch movies and meet her family, and then in the morning we are going to eat lunch with her grandma and hang out for a while. Dad will pick me up tomorrow evening, and I'll spend the weekend at home. I may or may not be teaching this Sunday; it depends on whether Larry wants to the kids to go to their classes or to stay in the main service to hear the Easter sermon.

Here are a few of Jamie Smith's words from his last few lessons on Christian unity:

"We love others because God has loved us and because God sacrificed His Son for others; thus we love others because God loves them so much that He was willing to sacrifice Himself for their well-being."

"Loving your neighbor is the highest ethic because it expresses love for God."

"Our relationships with others are metaphysically integral to our relationship with God."

"Love and unity is the modus operandi and operating system of the church."

"Paul advocates a Christian ecumenicism: everyone within the Christian faith is united, and thus unity is to be promoted across denominational lines."

"Just as unity among Christians is of primary importance to Christ, so it was of primary importance to Paul."

"What is the purpose of unity within the church? One of its purposes is to serve an evangelistic function."

"How do you identify a Christian from a non-Christian? It is their understanding of Jesus' identity and whether or not they have the Holy Spirit. Erroneous doctrine is not a prerequisite for salvation."

"Unity among the church is not a matter of ethics, but a matter of 'living-out' the current status. Unity reflects what is already the case: we are the collective people of God, brothers and sisters in Christ."

"Despite differing opinions on some matters with some Christians, we have unity in our purpose and in our status with God. We need to work together for the kingdom--not compete for it."

"There are countless expressions of Christianity as people--just like you and me--are trying to understand God. Unity should not exist despite these expressions, but it should exist in an embrace of these many expressions."

"Sometimes we elevate our ideas and theologies above an actual renewed friendship with God."

"We often talk as if Christianity is a set of behaviors; in reality, Christianity is a status of being: being in a metaphysically good relationship with our Creator. What we do does not constitute our status as Christians, it is what God has done through Christ on the cross."

Jamie--or, as some of my friends like to call him, THE ESTEEMED DR. SMITH, is a brilliant man with many practical insights into Christianity and its life in the world today. It is amazing how he takes popular passages (such as 1 Corinthians 13) and explores the theology and practicality in ways most people would miss. I really enjoy his class and those things that I learn. While he jumps around a lot in his thinking (oftentimes he gets on these crazy tangents in theology and doctrine and biblical studies that last for most of the class), so much of what he says invigorates even more thinking. Looking at his statements above, we are not left sitting cozy in our chairs thinking, Well, that explains everything I ever wanted to know about unity within the church; rather, we are left scratching our heads, trying to answer the wealth of new questions Jamie's words have construed. Anyways, there is a taste of Professor Jamie Smith.

A massive storm from Indiana rolled through Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky as Trista, Courtney and I drove to the Florence Mall (Trista wanted to do some shopping). It was so beautiful coming in. Courtney, terrified of storms, said, "Isn't it so eerie?" "Yeah," I said. "It's freaking gorgeous." After we finished shopping at the Mall, we ate at Smoky Bones Barbecue near the mall. I've never had barbecue that tasted so amazing; Trista and I shared some ribs and thought they were fantastic. The beans tasted delicious, the fries were just right, and even the garlic bread was out-of-this-world. In my Paul class we continued our exploration of unity within the church, and I may post my notes (very jumbled, because Jamie Smith jumps around in his thoughts a lot, but his thoughts--nonetheless--are very intriguing) on here sometime soon. Courtney and I ate lunch together in the coffee shop, and I've been packing up most of my room today so I don't need to worry about it later. I'm taking a break and listening to U2. We're going to the mall again later so I can get a new pair of flip-flops from Old Navy.

On one of my friends' blogs, a question was asked: "What do we do about the person who has 'said the prayer' but does not live his life for Jesus? Or what about the person who has never said a prayer but lives more Christlike than most Christians?" I don't claim to have an answer for this, only some thoughts. Courtney and I went to Barnes and Nobles last week, and we were talking about the nature of salvation, the whole "who's-in and who's-out" deal (as rigid as that may sound, please just give me a moment!). We both believe that salvation comes through the blood of Christ alone, and that all those who hear the message of the gospel have a choice to either embrace it or reject it: if one embraces the gospel message--thus embracing Christ--salvation has become known in their life; the person who rejects the gospel message--and thus rejects Christ--rejects salvation. As for those who never hear the gospel message, that is up to God to decide, not us. The question is then raised, "What about people who have come to faith in Christ but struggle immensely with living the so-called 'Christian life' compared to people who do not believe Christ is the Son of God but live more like Christ than most Christians?" I have thought about this a lot the past month, and I am reminded that salvation comes through faith, not by works, and no person will ever experience salvation by following the teachings of Christ (and no person will lose his or her salvation if he or she does not measure up to Christ's teachings perfectly).

Last Sunday I had the privilege of once again teaching the High School class at church. I taught on Hebrews 5 (the youth minister, Larry, is taking the students through the anonymous letter to the Hebrews). Much of Hebrews 5 focuses on Christ as true High Priest. I taught a little bit on the person and role of the Jewish High Priest based on Mosaic Law and as experienced in the days of Christ (2nd Temple Judaism). I then compared Jesus to the person and role of the Jewish High Priest, noting two similarities: just as the High Priest stood between the people and God and offered sacrifices to appease God's wrath, so Christ stands between God's people and God, his eternal sacrifice consuming all of God's wrath so that those who come to faith in Christ can call themselves the children of God.

Three things of note today:

My girlfriend is pretty much amazing. She takes my breath away. She is my own precious little treasure which I would sell all my possessions to attain. Every moment spent with her is fantastic, and when I don’t see her (even for a day or two) it feels like an eternity. I can’t believe that I didn’t see how amazing she was before we met. Just peering into those wild blue and dovelike eyes takes my breath away, holding her hand as we drive down the interstate is mesmerizing, holding her close and smelling her hair is breathtaking. Sitting in the park, walking around Newport, and whatever else we do holds a sacred place within me. I look forward to classes just because she is in them. Wow. Wow.

I want to be an author. Courtney and I went to Newport today and sat on the “beach”, looking at the Cincinnati skyline. She asked, “What did you want to be when you were younger?” “A paleontologist,” I told her; “You?” She replied, “I wanted to be an author.” “Why don’t you become one, then?” What does it take to be a good author? In my mind, it takes talent, skills, desire, and determination. It isn’t easy, but it can be done. I have been in a slump of “writer’s block” lately, so one of my current works has come to a halt around eighty pages. I find myself sitting at the computer just trying to write, but not having the… ability… to do so. It is quite aggravating. Perhaps I will turn my attention upon my collection of horror short stories; “The Shadow of the Wolf” was quite good, and I am working on a zombie one now that holds quite a sparkle of promise. I have two other ideas—one involving vampires, the other monsters under the bed—but I have no idea what the fifth short story will be. Anyways, I need to really begin clamping down on my writing, honing it in and developing it, and then—maybe—I will become an author one day. It is something I’ve always dreamed about; being an author up-to-par with Stephen King. We’ll see what happens.

The path of discipleship. My sister back home is dating a boy named Tom, and he is proud to be a Buddhist. He grew up Catholic, was turned-off by all the rules and regulations, and he explored different religions and faiths until coming to an appreciation of Buddhism. He is a practicing Buddhist, not one of those who claim Buddhism as a religion just so they can indulge themselves in making life pleasing. He has changed many of his bad habits to bring about a better life for himself and those around him. He is a great guy, from what I can tell from talking with him and spending time with him at Starbucks. This made me think: “Here is someone so attracted to the teachings of Buddhism that he abandons those things that run against it in order to be truly devoted… How come Christians—such as myself—often claim allegiance to Christ but ignore or discredit or simply toss away his teachings?” Let me be very honest here: I’ve made mistakes, I haven’t stuck to Christ’s teachings more than once, and God forgives me. But at the same time He beckons me forward to enrich myself more fully in His kingdom; He beckons me to enjoy Him more; He invites me to taste the joy, tranquility, and warmth of a dynamic friendship with Him. What stands in the way? My iniquity—sins that I keep returning to despite knowing they are wrong. I must forsake these iniquities and embrace Christ. I must take Jesus’ teachings, explore them and meditate on them, and then apply them to my life, “fleshing them out” in how I live my life. This has really been on my mind as of late, but I must not just keep it on the brain but bring it to fruition in my heart—and thus let it overflow into my life.

I have been spending much time with a certain girl. Ever since the beginning of February, when she invited me to go sledding with her and some friends, this girl and I have spent much time together everyday. I didn't plan on falling for her; it just sorta happened. Both of us fell for one another, but both of us were afraid to tell the other person. One night we went to the Eden Park amphitheater, and lying out on a blanket under the stars, I asked her, "I wonder why both of us are afraid to admit what's going on between us?" She said, "I don't know." The next day, she became my girlfriend. Her name is Courtney Benkert, and she is a wonderful girl. I have been much happier as of late because, I believe, she is in my life. She's funny, passionate, sensitive, has a wonderful personality, and basically I just enjoy hanging out with her and spending time with her. I like her much more than I ever liked Sonja, Julie, or Jessica. Here is a picture of her; isn't she adorable?! Her eyes just suck me right in!

It pisses me off so much when I see those people whom I care about very much go through immense suffering. When I see tears streaming down their face, I want to scream and cry and rant and rave all at the same time. I want to do anything—anything!—to take away their pain, to relieve the agony, but knowing the whole time that I am absolutely powerless in helping. It is the worst feeling in the world. All I can do is hope and pray, offering them a shoulder to lean on. What else can I do?

Satan attacks those whom I care about, and he attacks me as well. Usually these attacks take their form in thoughts, feelings, and emotions that swarm over me at certain times of the day or, oftentimes, for no apparent reason at all. He points out my mistakes, my errors, my pitfalls, and he tells me that my dreams to be a good husband and a good father, to be a minister of God, to make a difference in our world, are merely dreams that will torment me and never be tasted by my all-too-human lips. In these moments I look to the historical figure of King David: he made a grave sin—adultery, execution of best friend, lying in a political manner to cover up his sin—and yet God called him “a man after My own heart.” I have a passion for God and His kingdom running through my veins.

I am extremely tired. Today was a very fun day. My girlfriend and I went out to eat with some friends at a Chinese buffet, we went to the park, then we spent the evening at the overlook looking at the moonrise. It was quite romantic. Okay, so I am going to go to bed now. Good night.

Some people have this false notion that Christians never struggle with certain concepts of faith. One of the concepts I struggle with the most is God's love for me. These words of Rob Bell are inspiring and hope-filled, reminding me of the love and grace and worth that I have in Him:

God makes us in his image. We reflect the beauty and creativity and wonder of the God who made us. And Jesus calls us to return to our true selves. The pure, whole people God originally intended us to be, before we veered off course.

Somewhere in you is the you whom you were made to be.

We need you to be you.

We don't need a second anybody. We need the first you.

The problem is that the image of God is deeply scarred in each of us, and we lose trust in God's version of our story. It seems too good to be true. And so we go searching for identity. We achieve and we push and we perform and we shop and we work out and we accomplish great things, longing to repair the image. Longing to find an identity that feels right.

Longing to be comfortable in our own skin.

But the thing we are searching for is not somewhere else. It is right here. And we can only find it when we give up the search, when we surrender, when we trust. Trust that God is already putting us back together.

Trust that through dying to the old, the new can give birth.

Trust that Jesus can repair the scarred and broken image.

It is trusting that I am loved. That I always have been. That I always will be. I don't have to do anything. I don't have to prove anything or achieve anything or accomplish one more thing. That exactly as I am, I am totally accepted, forgiven, and there is nothing I could ever do to lose this acceptance.

God knew exactly what he was doing when he made you. There are no accidents. We need you to embrace your true identity, who you are in Christ, letting this new awareness transform your life.

That is what Jesus has in mind.

This is what brings heaven to earth.