wrong for dragons, wrong for the realm

crickin' it up at Keehner Park

Chloe had the day off school yesterday, since her elementary school was a voting location. She's been begging to go exploring in the woods again, so I headed up to West Chester and led the foray through the woods and the creek at Keehner Park. Ashley stuck with Zoey, and Chloe got some good practice at climbing cliffs. There was one where we scaled halfway up, and then I had to give her a good push to the top. Ashley was cringing below. We came across a massive fallen tree with its trunk suspended high above the creek. Chloe had never walked across a fallen tree, so I showed her the ropes. She crossed once, then twice, then three times. She didn't want to stop. We hiked back up to the main portion of the park and had lunch before sending the girls off to play on the playground. "You may not believe me," Ashley said, "but you've done more for my girls in the past month than their own father has in six years. They're not even your responsibility, and you've shown them far more love than he has ever shown." That pretty much melted my heart.

I've been refreshing on Old Testament history lately. There's three books I'm reading, all side-by-side: Israel Among the Nations, a survey of the biblical narratives. The Oxford History of the Biblical World, putting the biblical narratives in a wider cultural context; and The Peoples of the Old Testament, examining the foreign nations of the Old Testament narratives. Reading these books simultaneously helps me get a better perspective on the events. The debates between the "authenticity" and "historicity" of the biblical narratives are fascinating in their own right.

But let's be honest: the history of the Old Testament is fascinating. I mean, you have the patriarchs and all the crazy shit they got caught up in; you have a 400-year-long enslavement in Egypt followed by a Grand Exodus that puts the Egyptian gods to shame; you have the Wilderness Wanderings filled with grumbling, alliances, rebellions, and plagues; you have the Conquest of Canaan which is nothing short of epic; you have the Era of the Judges, where the gimp Samson "brings down the house"; you have the reigns of Saul and David shadowed by the Philistine threat; you have the spread of Israelite prestige under Solomon's commercial ventures; you have the House of David dividing and the story trailing off in two different directions; you have constant wars, rumors of wars, assassinations, and showdowns. The fall of northern Israel to the Assyrians is heart-wrenching, and it makes the Babylonian conquest of Judah look like child's-play. The Babylonian Exile, the restoration of Israel under the Persian regime, the constant changing-of-the-guard with new world superpowers lording it over the fertile crescent (the Assyrians, the Babylonians, the Medo-Persians, the Greeks, the Romans...). It's mind-boggling history and kick-ass storytelling. It's like Game of Thrones, except on steroids.

Speaking of Game of Thrones, here's a shout-out for Election Day:

"the talk"

Ashley and I talked for a long while last night about some of the anxieties I've been having. I told her how there are obvious "issues" present that I need to work through, issues I haven't experienced before but which can be traced back to everything that happened with Mandy. I told her how I'm not yet at the point of being able to open my heart to her the way I opened it to Mandy, though I was adamant and truthful in that I do see its happening in the future as a great possibility. 

Ashley was straightforward about how she feels: she's falling in love with me. "I've prayed for someone like you for SO LONG," she said. "A man who loves Jesus, who is willing and eager to lead, who loves children and believes in family, who holds conservative values, who is compassionate, caring, and sensitive to my needs. You are the only person I've dated who's shown leadership in taking me and the girls to church. That means so much to me, and to us." Part of me thinks she isn't falling for me so much as she's falling for the sort of person I am. There's no denying that there's a drastic shortage of men who love children, believe in family, and strive to lead biblically. I think she's seen that in me, and she's seen how serious such things are to me, and she doesn't want to lose that. She's dated a lot of men in her lifetime, and I guess Mom was right: "When women get older, they'll start to see those qualities that younger women treat as trivial. They'll realize how special you are." Maybe she was right, after all. 

My leadership has come a long way since Mandy; I would say my leadership with her was passive, whereas my leadership with Ashley is aggressive. I'm always making the decisions and telling her how things are going to go, and she tells me her opinion on things and I take that into consideration when making decisions (a decision for what she wants rather than what I want is no less a decision). I've learned a lot since Mandy and have been putting it into practice.

I told Ashley that I won't tell her I love her until I know I do. I told her I won't tell her anything unless I actually mean it. "If I just tell you the things you want to hear, or the things I feel that I'm supposed to say, they won't be genuine. I won't you to be able to trust what I tell you." It was scary being honest with her about these things, but it's what had to be done. I didn't want to wound her with my words, with my honesty. I was adamant that I'm not giving up on us because of the fears. These are things you're supposed to work through, or at least try to work through. Too many people are eager to throw everything away at the slightest scent of fear or risk. I don't want to be that kind of person. I'm not that type of person. Besides, just as I wanted Mandy to not just be honest about her fears but also to conquer them, so Ashley wants me to be honest about the fears cropping up without me letting them control me. There's no denying the fears of hurting her, of hurting her children, the fear, even, of being unable to love for a long time in the immediate wake of everything with Mandy. But Ashley would want me to try to work through these things for the potential of what we could be beyond the hurdles in the present moment. That's the kind of person I strive to be, not easily swayed, discouraged, or thrown off-course. The sort of person who just doesn't say "relationships take hard work" but who actually engages the hard work rather than running at the first drop of sweat.

I see a lot of potential with Ashley, I really do. That's why I'm willing to try to work through these fears. I care about her so much, and I care about the girls, too. I'm constantly praying for guidance and wisdom, but that doesn't stop the anxieties. It doesn't stop the fears. Wisdom isn't found in peace but in maintaining clarity in the storm. The fool loses clarity and bucks under the waves and the rain. My words may have caused Ashley some pain, but they were words that needed to be said. And she knows I'm not running from her, and she knows I don't intend to. I intend to prayerfully and diligently work through these things. 

why porn is ruining your sex life

Pornography is like fast food. The fast food industry has succeeded in convincing your body that you're getting the nutrients you need. Pornography tricks your mind and body into thinking you're getting sex. At the end, you don't feel satisfied: you feel shame and regret. When you ejaculate after having sex with a woman you're connected with, it's a totally different feeling.

Pornography used to be a group activity, because it was so rare.

Now pornography is a private affair, because it's so readily available.

The videographer illuminates four things that happen to people who watch lots of pornography to self-pleasure through masturbation:

1. You're training your body to be sexually aroused in a physical position that isn't conducive to sex. Most men, when they watch porn and masturbate, do so hunched over, rapidly moving through different women on the screen. On average, a man jerking off to porn watches a dozen women per bout. Your body thinks that it should be aroused in the sitting up position, so when you lie down and stretch out with a woman, your body can have difficulty getting aroused. Because of this, it's a statistical fact that a growing percentage of men aged 20-30 are dependent upon Viagra to get hard with women, since they have spent so much time being aroused and experiencing self-gratification through pornography.

2. Younger men who watch porn often do so within time constraints, and thereby they teach their body to ejaculate quickly. If the majority of your sexual experience is masturbating to flashing images of naked women, you won't be trained well for sex. The type of men who are good in bed are the ones who aren't actively watching pornography. The more pornography you watch, the shittier a lover you will be.

3. Modern pornography is different than its predecessors in the sense that it focuses on the pleasure of the man and the subjugation of the woman. It's all about the abuse of power. Apologists for pornography will say it's about freedom of sexual expression or the liberation of men and women. This is bullshit. Pornography has become progressively violent, abusive, and degrading to women. Thus the average teenage guy watching porn consumes massive amounts of pornography teaching that the sexual experience is about domination and power. The result is a desensitizing towards sexual violence, and when you find yourself in a position for normal sex, your body doesn't really want to respond to something so... normal. 

4. Consuming pornography can render you impotent with women. Because most men have the majority of their sexual experiences through pornography on a screen, the sex drive eroticizes the whole experience of turning on the computer, typing on the keyboard, and browsing through internet pages on the screen. This is entirely different from an actual, real-life sexual experience between two individuals.

the 50th week

#sushi@thepark

Monday. Ashley and I spent the day together. We picked up sushi and took it to the park for a picnic (Zoey had a Happy Meal from McDonald's). Zoey played on the playground for a while. I would sit at the top of the slide, she would reach out her hand, and I'd help her scoot upwards. She likes climbing slides more than she likes going down them. I led the three of us on an exploration through the woods that culminated in discovering a creek. Zoey wanted to swim, so we took off her shoes and let her splash around for a while. We headed back to Ashley's to pick up Chloe. I helped her with her homework, and then we went back to the creek. Ashley and Zoey stayed near the trail, but Chloe and I went on our own exploration down the creek. I pointed out a lot of things about nature and helped her climb her first "cliff", with me spotting her and teaching her how to use roots for handholds and foot-rests. She had an absolute blast, even if she thought we were being chased by a bear at one point. The evening ended with a picnic of peanut butter sandwiches at the amphitheater. "Can we come back and explore some more?!" Chloe begged. 

Tuesday. I spent the morning hanging out with Ashley, her sister Rachel, and Zoey. Zoey was in a great mood. "I think our park adventures wore her out; she didn't wake up even once throughout the night." Zoey kept wanting me to pick her up, and I'd swing her around and do flips with her in the air, and she squealed through it all. Every time I set her down, she threw herself against my legs and shot up her hands begging to play just a little bit more. I worked 2-7:00 and went back to Ashley's afterwards. I plopped down on the sofa and Chloe curled up against me to read some of her chapter book (it's about mermaids), and Zoey crawled up on the other side of me and cuddled as she watched Curious George. The girls went to bed, and Ashley and I drank some ciders and shared a pumpkin donut and watched Sons of Anarchy. She started scratching my head and then I was out, waking up two hours later. "Did you have a good nap? You were snoring so loud."

Wednesday. I went to The Anchor for coffee and scripture before spending the afternoon with Ams at her apartment. I pieced together the rough outline for my sermon and then headed to work 3-7:00 in Blue Ash. I swung back by Ashley's and hung out with her and the girls. The girls went to bed, and Ashley and I read some scripture together before I headed home to get some sleep before tomorrow. Starting in November I'm on a month-to-month lease. I was worried about signing another year contract since I'm still looking for jobs, so it's a relief that I'll still have the Hobbit Hole at my disposal until I land a better job and can afford a nicer place. Not that I'm mad about the Hobbit Hole: it's been privy to some good memories, and you can't find a cozier dwelling come wintertime. 

Thursday. I worked 8:30 to 4 PM in Blue Ash and then had my remote shift with the Twins in Norwood till later in the evening. I went to The Anchor for coffee and scripture afterwards, and Ashley came down to the Hobbit Hole. We were up until 4 AM talking about all sorts of things, such as how I've only worn two pairs of jeans since we've known each other ("I wear them prairie cowboy style: they're out there corralling the cattle for three weeks, at the least.") and how when she eats peanuts in the shell, she hunches down over the bowl and her fingers work so fast that she looks like a hamster. Kind words, I assure you (I've always been partial to hamsters).

Halloween. After coffee and scripture at Anchor Grill, I spent the afternoon with Ashley at her place. I fixed to throw my sermon together, and she made me a couple cups of coffee throughout my sermon prep and let me bounce ideas off her. When Chloe got home from school, we dressed them up in their Halloween outfits. Zoey went as a giraffe, and Chloe went as a cat. We took them to trick-or-treat at the Tri-County Mall (since it was sleeting), but everyone else had that idea, too, so all the stores were out of candy. It was pretty lame taking the girls store-to-store and having them pass out in-store coupons. Here's a snapshot of our daily conversation:

"Did you see what that chic was wearing?" Ashley said.
"What? Which one?"
"It makes me glad to know you weren't looking."
"I was thinking about dinosaurs."
And I was: there was a kid in a Parasaurolophus costume.
(I wanted to show him the Youtube video of the noise it makes)
"I'd rather you be thinking about dinosaurs than looking at other women."
"Well, I was thinking about them in a sexual nature."
"What?"
"Take me to a beach filled with half-naked women, and I'm fine..."
"I still don't know what you're talking about."
"...but take me to the Natural History Museum, and shit gets weird."
She looks at me, that weird look I get a lot.
At this point a wise person would stop talking. That's not me.
"I got kicked out of the Creation Museum," I said, "for sodomizing a Chasmosaurus..."
"Oh my goodness."
"...and it was a juvenile."
"Please stay away from my daughters."

After that whole exchange after getting Zoey strapped into her carseat, we went to Kroger, and while Ashley watched Zoey in the car, I took Chloe inside and she picked large packs of her favorite candies (since East Gate was out). Ashley took the girls out for corndogs (a Halloween treat from Sonic!), and then the three of them came to the Hobbit Hole. Chloe loved it, and Zoey was being extra playful. We put in the movie Despicable Me, but the girls ended up not watching it and just wanting to play the whole time. I didn't mind. Chloe colored me a picture of a beaver with Happy! written all over it. You bet it's hanging on my refrigerator. Here are some pics from Halloween night at the Hobbit Hole:

Saturday. I wasted the early morning away with coffee at Anchor Grill as snow fell outside the windows. My afternoon was spent working with Aaron in Delhi and Mychal in Western Hills, and I went to see Tyler in Mason before my 5-Midnight in Blue Ash. Hanging out with Tyler is always a good time: we relaxed on his new sofas (he's excited about them), played with his new cat (he's also excited about that), and talked about pornography's emasculating effect on the brain (something he's way too excited about). It was a quiet night in Blue Ash polishing up my sermon for tomorrow.

Sunday. I spent the night in Blue Ash, and after grabbing coffee from U.D.F., I headed out east to Mayhill Christian Church. The sermon went really well. Loving God & the Obedience of the Faith. Afterwards the elders met with me in a backroom. They all have absolutely loved the sermons I've preached. "We've had other guys in here, but your sermons are definitely the most challenging," one of them said. Another added, "When I first saw you, I thought you were a kid! And then I heard you preach, and it was very evident you were no kid." Their words were very encouraging. "We want to hire you," they said. The position would entail Sunday morning preaching, doing weddings and funerals if needed, and (per my request) a weekday evening Bible study, something the church is lacking and which could be a launching-pad into more planned times for the church's fellowship and growing in the faith. They're going to present my name before the church this coming Sunday; if at least 75% of the church approves, I'll be hired. The cat's not in the bag yet, but I'm hopeful. If things here don't pan out, I'm still in the running for two other churches. Ashley came over when I got home and asked all sorts of questions about how it went, and she told me she was proud of me and I could see in her face that she really was. She joined me at Winton Ridge to watch The Walking Dead, but John's cable kept flickering in & out. We went back to my place and watched a DVD called Zombies: The Occult Truth. It was ridiculous and amazing. Also: we ate all of Zoey and Chloe's Halloween candy. Like all of it. "I can't believe we did that," she moaned. "I'm such an awful mom!" I told her I didn't feel too bad: "I'm the one who bought the candy, after all!" We're getting them some more tomorrow.

[sunday's sermon]

"Loving God"

& The Obedience of Faith

When the Pharisees heard that [Jesus] had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together, and one of them, a lawyer, asked him a question to test him. "Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?" He said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the greatest and first commandment." 

[Matthew 22.34-38]

God's commands show us what it's like to live as a genuine human being; His ways are those ways in which He has designed us to walk as Him image-bearers. Jesus shows us the ultimate vocation of the human being: to love God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. Here we find what it means to "be human": we are designed to love God.

But what does it mean to love God? 

And how do we go about doing it?

Those are the pivotal questions.

The first is important because in our western culture, we have a skewed perception of love. Culture and media raises us to see love primarily in the context of feelings; this explains, in large part, the pandemic of failed marriages with couples who "fell out of love with one another" and justified (at least to themselves) breaking covenant vows. Love, in the biblical sense of the word, has nothing to do with feelings. "Feelings" are physiological, produced by fluctuations of serotonin, dopamine, and other chemicals in the brain; and "good feelings" can come and go like the tides. That euphoric "feeling" of love which we crave isn't something originating in the heart but in the brain; neuroscience research has shown this to be the case. The whole concept of love being rooted in feelings originates from the Middle Ages, when tales of heroic knights, burning with passion for damsels in distress, overwhelmed Europe and tore the fabric of what it means to love and "be in love." 

Biblical love, both towards God and towards others, transcends the physiological composition of our brains. If we interpret loving God through the lens of our culture's conception of love, we can very easily start thinking that if we love God, we have warm and fuzzy feelings towards Him. While there's such a thing as having joy in Christ, and even experiencing warm and fuzzy feelings towards God, equating these with what it means to love God produces two terrible dilemmas. 

First, it can prompt a devoted Christian to question his love for God dependent upon the physiological state of his brain. The Bible is filled with stories of people who often had negative feelings towards God: Jeremiah raged against God, Job couldn't make sense of his life, the prophet Elijah languished under God's apparent absence, and David's emotional spectrum looked something akin to a Rorschach test in a dimly-lit room. Furthermore, because we are subject to deterioration, decay, and disease because of the Fall, mental illnesses with physiological causes can prevent some people from experiencing joy, contentment, and even love itself. All of God's people, sturdy in their love for Him, can be afflicted by mental illness, and we all experience times of negative feelings towards God. The way we feel is never a good litmus test for determining whether or not we love God.

The second problem with equating love for God with feelings is that it can offer false assurance to those who have positive feelings towards God (or their conception of God) but who don't love Him in the biblical sense. Self-delusion is rampant, and the Bible tells us that the devil blinds the minds of unbelievers; often He does this by telling people they are A-OK when they are anything but, obscuring the need for genuine faith and repentance.

Loving God isn't about our "feelings" towards Him; loving God is about devotion to Him, regardless of feelings. Biblical faith is the coupling of two things: the intellectual assent to the truth of the gospel and allegiance to Christ. The Greek word for "faith" in the New Testament is used throughout contemporary Greek literature to denote one's loyalty and allegiance to someone else. When the New Testament writers spoke of faith in Christ and faith in God, they weren't just talking about believing a body of facts to be true; rather, they were talking about a commitment of the entire person to serve, obey, and worship the Living God and His Son, Jesus Christ. This sheds light on Romans 10.9-10, where Paul says that we will be saved if we believe "in our hearts" the truth of the gospel (intellectual assent) and confess with our mouth that Jesus is Lord. The confession we make in modern-day baptisms isn't the same sort of confession talked about in Romans 10; whereas our confessions are creedal in nature, the confessions of the early church Christians were revolutionary in nature. 

Get this: in Roman antiquity, there was only one Lord, and that was Caesar. Even to speculate the possibility of another Caesar was political treason, and that was a fast-track to exile or the executioner's block. In Judaism, there was only one Lord, and he was God, and to call anyone else Lord was blasphemous and worthy of having rocks thrown at you until you were dead. To confess Jesus as Lord wasn't just enough to get you kicked out of the synagogue: it was enough to find yourself cast out of civilization proper (as the Apostle John experienced on the scrubby island of Patmos), or even enough to find yourself nailed to a cross! Thus the Greek scholar A.T. Robertson notes, "Lighthearted men today can say 'Lord Jesus' in a flippant or even in an irreverent way, but no Jew or Gentile then said it who did not mean it." The only person who would make a public confession of Christ was the person who had sworn allegiance to Christ, no matter come what may. 

To have faith in Christ is to be devoted to Him.

To love God is to swear your allegiance to Him.

It makes sense, doesn't it? What's the primal temptation in the Garden of Eden? Become like God. Our greatest "black mark" isn't that we lie or steal sometimes; it's that we have bucked against God's authority and sought to set ourselves against Him. We have tried to usurp His throne. The gospel illuminates our noxious rebellion and our insufferable treachery, showing us what we deserve for the hostile, insurrectionist sort of people we've become; and the gospel shows us, in the life of Christ, what it means to be human again: it means to submit ourselves to God as Creator and Judge, and to throw off the yoke of our arrogant, megalomaniacal hardheartedness and put around our necks the yoke of our Creator and Redeemer. In the Garden, we set our teeth against God by rebelling against Him; through the cross of Christ, we can kneel down before Him and, strengthened and empowered by God's grace, begin to love Him again.

Devotion to God, if genuine, will manifest itself in obedience. This is what the Apostle James is getting at in James 2.18: I by my works will show you my faith. If we are truly devoted to God--if we genuinely love God--then we will seek to obey Him. Period! When Christ answers the Pharisees in Matthew 22, telling them that the Greatest Commandment is to Love God, he was quoting a classic line from the Hebrew Bible. In Deuteronomy 6.5, this line--You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might--is wedged between two exhortations to obey God's commands, and throughout the Old Testament, we see that loving God is intimately connected to obeying Him.

You shall therefore love the LORD your God, and keep his charge, his statutes, his rules, and his commandments always. 

[Deuteronomy 11.1]

Only be very careful to observe the commandments and the law that Moses the servant of the LORD commanded you, to love the LORD your God, and to walk in all his ways and to keep his commandments and to cling to him and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul. 

[Joshua 22.5]

There are more examples from the Old Testament, but some people think we shouldn't pay attention to these. "We live in the Age of Grace," they say, "and therefore obedience is optional." This kind of thinking, this cheap grace, is foreign to the New Testament. Such a view on faith and grace is untenable in the light of scripture (which is probably why those who hold it tend not to read their bibles). Even if we were to look solely at one New Testament writer (the Apostle John), we would see he is shockingly straightforward on the matter:

And by this we know that we have come to know [Jesus], if we keep his commandments. Whoever says 'I know him' but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him: whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked. 

[1 John 2.3-6]

Do not love the world or the things in the world. The love of the Father is not in those who love the world; for all that is in the world--the desire of the flesh, the desire of the eyes, the pride in riches--comes not from the Father but from the world. 

[1 John 2.15-16]

Everyone who makes a practice of sinning also practices lawlessness; sin is lawlessness. You know that [Jesus] appeared to take away sins, and in him there is no sin. No one who abides in him keeps on sinning; no one who keeps on sinning has either seen him or known him. Little children, let no one deceive you. Whoever practices righteousness is righteous, as he is righteous. Whoever makes a practice of sinning is of the devil, for the devil has been sinning from the beginning. 

[1 John 3.4-8b]

And this is love, that we walk according to his commandments; this is the commandment, just as you have heard from the beginning, so that you should walk in it. 

[2 John 6]

For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. 

[1 John 5.3]

The Apostle John uses exaggerated language to hone in the point that obedience and love of God are intimately connected. This isn't to say they are the same thing; it's to say that you can't love God without obedience. The Apostle Paul coined a unique phrase that we see in the beginning and end of his letter to the Romans: the obedience of faith; and it is precisely this "obedient faithfulness" which Paul sought to cultivate in peoples' lives through the gospel.

If you don't pursue obedience to God, you don't love Him.

If you don't strive to honor and please Him, you don't belong to Him.

Here is the litmus test of love for God: Do you seek to obey Him?

These are harsh words, and it'd be comforting if John were making this up. "This is just his approach," one might say. But John is carrying forward what he learned from Christ. In the dimly-lit Upper Room on the eve of his crucifixion, Jesus told his disciples lots of things, not least of all the connection between loving him and obeying him.

Whoever has my commandment and keeps them, he it is who loves me. And he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him. 

[John 14.21]

If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him... Whoever does not love me does not keep my words... 

[John 14.23-24]

If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. 

[John 15.10]

You are my friends if you do what I command you. 

[John 15.14]

You can't claim to be a "friend of Jesus" if you disregard his teachings.

You can't claim to love God if you make no effort to obey His commands.

You can't claim devotion to God if your heart is focused on worldly things.

Many people claim to be devoted to God, but their unrelenting disobedience shows that such devotion is a sham. While they may have convinced themselves that they're wholly devoted, their relentless opposition to God's commands, and their own determination to live however they please, reveals the delusion. If a person really loves God, she will seek to obey God; when a person thrives in continual and unrepentant disobedience, he shows that he doesn't really love God.

We must be clear about one thing: loving God does not demand perfect obedience. When we submit ourselves to God, we will strive to obey Him. But this side of heaven, our obedience won't be perfect. That's just the way it is. Sometimes our growth in obedience will be three steps forward and two steps back; our growth in obedience will never be an unbroken upward journey. The Apostle Paul, who obeyed Christ to such an extent that he could say "Imitate me, as I imitate Christ," continued throughout his life to wrestle with the desires of the flesh and the pull of the world. He's honest about his struggles in Philippians 3.12-14, where he writes, Not that I... am already made perfect, but I press on to make [perfection] my own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining toward what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Paul knew his own stumblings well, and he strove for obedience from a heart devoted to God. James, the brother of Jesus, is adamant: We ALL stumble in MANY ways. (John 3.2) The Apostle John, whose straight talk about the connection between loving God and obeying Him, didn't have a glamorized view of human beings: If we say we have no sin, he says, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in is. (1 Jn 1.8) The key here is that the person devoted to God will live a life marked by increasing obedience as he grows in his devotion to God as well as in his God-given ability to obey Him. 

The Peruvian missionary Paul Washer captures this titanic, lifelong struggle of the Christian: "[Regardless] of the progress a believer has made in [growing in obedience to God], even the most mature one will find the Christian life to be a great struggle against sin with frequent battles, great victories, and discouraging defeats. On this side of heaven, no believer will ever make a complete break with sin to be immune from its deception and free from all moral failure. Although true believers will grow in their forsaking of sin, sin will still be a repetitive malady in their lives. Although it may become less frequent or pronounced, sin will never be eradicated completely until the believer's ultimate glorification in heaven." He continues, "Though we struggle against sin and run for holiness, as one who runs for the prize; though we discipline our body and make it our slave; and though we walk in this world with the greatest care and wisdom, we will find that we are not yet perfected and still in need of repentance and grace... For this reason, believers should not despair about the battle they wage or their frequent need of repentance as they struggle against sin. The reality of such a struggle is a mark of true conversion. The false convert--the hypocrite--knows of no such battle. It is important to remember that God does not promise His presence to the one who is perfect, but to the one whose life is marked by a broken and contrite spirit and who trembles at His Word."

There's a remarkable story found in 2 Kings 5 that gives us hope in our pursuit of obedience. In this story, the commander of a foreign army is stricken with leprosy. He seeks healing from Elisha, a prophet of God, and in his healing, he devotes himself to God. His devotion is imperfect, as we will see, but God accepts it anyways. In verses 15-19, we find the foreign army commander, a man by the name of Naaman, presenting himself Healthy & Whole before the prophet Elisha. He confesses that "there is no God who exists in the entire world like the God of Israel." After twice trying to give a gift to Elisha, and being refused by the prophet both times, Naaman swears, "I will no longer give burnt offerings or sacrifices to other gods. The God of Israel is my only God now." He then adds, perhaps gloomily and with a note of dejection, "May the God of Israel forgive me when I walk into the temple of Rimmon, the storm god of Aram, to worship there beside my master. I am his first officer, and so I must be by his side wherever he goes, even when he worships. May the God of Israel forgive me for bowing down in that place." Elisha's reply is remarkable: "Go, and be at peace!"

Many of us would look at Naaman and tell him, "Absolutely not! If you are already planning on making concessions to your devotion, you've got another thing coming!" It's an unfortunate reality that many of us are the "glass half empty" sorta people: we pinpoint the flaws in peoples' faith, noticing their blemishes and scars far more than their sacrifices and struggles. Thankfully, the God of Israel is a "glass half full" kind of God: he jumps on the first breath of devotion, on the first murmuring of our hearts toward Him, and He is more eager to forgive us than we are to procure forgiveness. David attests to God's extravagant grace and mercy in Psalm 103:

The LORD is merciful and gracious,

     slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.

He will not always accuse, 

     nor will He keep His anger forever.

He does not deal with us according to our sins,

     nor repay us according to our iniquities.

For as the heavens are high above the earth,

     so great is His steadfast love toward those who fear Him;

as far as the east is from the west,

     so far he removes our transgressions from us.

As a father has compassion on his children,

     so the LORD has compassion for those who fear Him.

For He knows how we were made;

     he remembers that we are dust.

          [Psalm 103.8-13]

Those who love God are devoted to Him, and their devotion manifests itself in their striving to obey Him. It's easy to become self-deluded, believing that we love Him when we don't. We must examine our lives: Are we living for OUR glory or for GOD'S glory? Do we seek the pleasures of the world, or do we seek after God? Do we strive to obey Him, repenting when we fail, and relying on His grace to carry us onward? If we have been living a lie, we must end the charades and bow down before God in faith and repentance, submitting ourselves wholly to Him and Him alone. We who love God, and who are well aware of our sins, must take heart: our God is a "glass half full" God, gracious and merciful; He knows we are made of dust, and He doesn't condemn us for our imperfections.

this, the first of the month

Twenty days from now will be the 21st. On that day, more time will have passed since the Wisconsinite ended things than we spent actually dating. I'm looking forward to that day. I want to put her behind me completely. A few days ago I accidentally opened the file on my computer where I stored all our photographs and the videos we sent each other. I knew I shouldn't look through them, but I did anyways. Self-control, it's never been a strong suit. It wasn't a good idea, and I felt all over again all the things I felt for her, and in some ways still feel for her. I can't have those memories anymore; there was really no recourse except to delete them. It's hard to be content with what you have if you're reminded of what you lost. 

Ashley knows Mandy did a number on me, but at times I'm not sure if she realizes the extent of that "number." Already Ashley wants to talk marriage and family, but I'm nowhere near that point. I'm afraid my heart's still in need of healing, still in recovery mode. I don't know how to talk about this with her. I have been clear about not wanting to go fast; I think talking marriage and family at this point would be going too fast. It was different with the Wisconsinite: I loved her, and I wanted nothing more than to share life with her and raise a family with her. Ashley and I, we've had a great month knowing one another and hanging out whenever we can, but I'm not at that point with her, and there's no reason I should be. I can't change the fact that part of my heart, at least, still belongs to Mandy; as much as I try to reason myself out of that, as much as I try to kill my love for her, it's damned resilient and persistent. It always has been. A curse and a blessing they say; more a curse, I would say. I know, logically, that a time will come when I don't think about her anymore, when I don't wonder What if? I'm just hoping that day comes sooner rather than later. And I'm hoping Ashley has patience with that, I really do. If I start feeling pressured, or cornered, then it'll be hard not to run. It's not at that point yet, and maybe I'm just letting anxieties reign. 

Compounding things, of course, are the girls. I love them, I really do. Zoey has become rather fond of me (in a shocking way, according to her family), and Chloe wants me around "forever" (her words, not mine). I'm nice to them, and I play with them, and I tease them, and I'm firm with them. I'm a lot of the things a father should be, and they haven't experienced that, so maybe that's why they're becoming so attached. It scares me, it really does. I'm not anticipating things going south with Ashley; I know there's the potential for that (it comes with the territory of dating), but I'm certainly not planning on it. But if things do go south, if either one of us comes to believe it won't or can't work for whatever reason, the girls will be hurt and experience yet another abandonment by someone they trusted. I'm certainly not provoking attachment on their part; it just seems to be happening naturally. 

I really wish that I could open my heart to Ashley the way I opened it to the Wisconsinite. I really do. But I'm not at that point yet. I'm not saying it's an impossibility; I just need more time. I'm hoping that time is all I need, that my ability to love hasn't been destroyed. I've never poured my heart out to anyone the way I did to Mandy. It took a lot of strength and courage to trust her with it. After everything that happened, I wouldn't be surprised if my brain is on lockdown mode for a while. Maybe this anxiety--of enjoying being with Ashley and sharing life with her and her girls while simultaneously knowing that part of my heart, at the least, belongs to Someone Else and that my capacity to love may be greatly diminished in the wake of all that--is nothing but a temporary phase. What I do know is that Ashley is crazy about me. "I can't imagine why Mandy ended things with you. Maybe she just hasn't dated enough to know how rare someone like you is. But whatever the reason, I think she's a fool. But I'm glad she did it, because now I have you." Those words are endearing and terrifying. But, you know: it comes with the territory.

Halloween Down the Ages

2013. I woke stunned with sadness. I chug NyQuil to pass out and not think about her, only to dream about her. The dreams sap all my energy. I woke dreading the day: a long shift with Ben & Jason requiring lots of energy on my part; but I feel like I barely have enough energy to function myself. I wanted to try out U.C.C.'s Thursday night group, but by 8 PM I was just emotionally exhausted. I didn't have the energy to put on a friendly face and meet a bunch of people I don't know. So I drank NyQuil, spent a solid hour in prayer, and passed out. Yay Halloween. 

2012. I worked 11-7:00 after my morning visit to The Anchor. I picked up Chipotle at the Anchor. Andy moved all his stuff out of Claypole. Now Blake and I are the Last Bastions. We must have a party before we go. Ams came over after work and we spent Halloween Night watching movies in the living room.

2011. Mandy K. and I talked for about an hour today, and it felt like ten minutes. It was so good to talk to her, just to hear her voice. We "caught up," and she said, "I may not know what I feel, but I do know that I'm feeling that I'm missing you." I worked 6:30-3:30, and Brandy & Jake came over in the evening. I took one of my lonesome drives out to Eden Park. A drive I've made too many times. I don't know why, but driving through the park at night with the city sleeping in the valley below makes me feel better. It's a ritual, something I can control. And I've been dreaming about losing teeth again, and I always have these dreams when I feel trapped and powerless to break free. Trapped in what? Hell, my own head half the time. But, no, I think I'm trapped in this unending cycle of daring to let hope breathe only to be reminded, Over and Over, that there's a reason I've been suffocating it all along. I've buried hope in a shallow grave only to resurrect it at the first taste of something good. Maybe I just need to dig the grave deeper this time around, or muster enough calloused self-control to not pick up the spade when I see hope stirring. Never-mind all this: the Wisconsinite opened the grave, but now it's time to fill it in again. Funny how it takes two to unbury it, but in the end there's only one person left to clean up the mess that's been made. 

2010. I spent the night at Ams' place after last night's party. I spent my morning at Mount Echo, looking out at the city and praying for a bit. My prayers in that place used to be so heart-wrenching. Sarah, Ams and I went to Anchor Grill, and it was hipster central. Then Sarah and I went to Refuge. Andy W. was working, and he hooked me up. We parted ways, and I went to Rob & Mandy's apartment, and we had spaghetti for dinner before House Church. Rob taught on the kingship of Jesus. Gambill came over later. Mandy begged me to smoke pot, but I didn't feel like it.

2009. Dylan and I went to Frisch's for breakfast before he headed home. I showered and went to Tri-Health to visit Sarah while working on my resume, applying for jobs, and applying for Seminary. When Sarah got off work, we went to Wal-Greens. Back home Sarah and I hung out in her room and got dressed for the Halloween Party: I went as a zombie, and she went as a cat. Sarah and I headed over to Hartman's come night-fall and had a wonderful time: we played Ninja, a drinking game (King's?), and took lots of pictures. Sarah took shots of gin, climbed on top of the fridge, and then puked everywhere. She broke out her Djarum cloves before our drive home. She went downstairs and passed out drunk, and I watched some TV and went to bed.

2008. Ams came down to Cincinnati to spend the day with me. We went to the Halloween party in the Worship Ministry buildings. Kyle, Jessie, and Sarah joined us. Deshay went to King's Island. Jessie, Sarah, Ams and I went to Highlands Cafe for a few hours. Jessie got coffee, Ams got a latte, and I had spiced rum cider. Delicious! 

2007. I worked 4-7:30 at the Hilltop Coffee Shop. We had a Halloween party, and you got fifty cents off your drink if you were in costume, and twenty-five cents off if you impersonated a professor. The lights were dimmed, Halloween music was played, and I got to wear a mask. The Adult classes were going on, and several people complained about us playing Devil's Music. After work I did my online Gospel of Luke exam, went back to the Hilltop for dinner, and spent the rest of my night reading.

2006. After Basic Bible Doctrines I had breakfast with Megan & Tim and then went to chapel with Julie. After chapel I hung out with Monica, Monk, Abby, and Coop in the coffee shop and then worked 6-9:00 covering for Trista so she could go to a Halloween party. I spent the evening hanging out with Jessica, and we walked around campus bundled up in our autumn garments.