We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us. We are like ignorant children who want to continue making mud pies in a slum because we cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a vacation at the sea. We are far too easily pleased. – C.S. Lewis
My search for joy has carried me everywhere. For two years it has eluded me, though it has been present temporarily with certain situations. It seems that joy, for a boy like me, is something untouchable, something unable to be experienced. I live in a world of turmoil, not peace; depression, not joy; shame and regret, not happiness. I search hungrily for joy, and I find that my search is akin to that of a pinball in a pinball machine: bouncing everywhere, backward and forward, side-to-side, searching for that which will bring me joy. I turn to little escape and mini-joys to try and ease the brokenness. I seek shelter in shanties and cardboard boxes while I freeze in the drenching rain of my own ignorance: my ignorance to the reality that I have been bouncing around for so long and nothing of value has been discovered.
God offers me joy. He offers it to me. Do I believe this? I mean, do I really believe this? All of my prayers for as long as I can remember have been cemented in suffering, shame, and regret. How often has praise flowed from my lips? How often have tears of joy streamed down my cheeks? I can’t remember the last time that happened, though tears of sorrow I remember all too well (I cried some last night).
I look at my life and realize where it could be if I hadn’t screwed it up. And I feel like I have nowhere to go. Everything I loved was taken from me, and I played a huge part in that. I was stupid and ignorant and went against all knowledge and intuition, and I paid dearly for it. Now I feel like I have no future. How could life get better?
But God still offers joy.
God offers me a future.
God offers me transformation.
And I continue bouncing around like a pinball in a pinball machine.
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