the way the world works

My friend Emily and I were talking about how romantic relationships work. She thinks that it is a person’s personality that attracts you to him or her, and then you find their physical appearance attractive; I think that it is the physical appearance that attracts you to a person, and their personality can make or break that attraction. I would love it if she were right, that personality stood on a pedestal above physical appearance. But I have seen the way the world works, I have seen how relationships form, and I know that’s not the case. It is wishful dreaming. Relationships don’t work that way. If you want a better chance at being in a relationship, you need to be the kind of person who is physically attractive and not physically repulsive. Maybe I’m just shallow, but I prefer to view myself as being realistic.

Last night I dreamt that she came up to me at school and asked how I was doing. It was good to talk to her. I miss talking to her. She asked me, “Are you almost over what happened?” I replied, “Yeah. Almost.” Things are getting better. They’re still tough, God knows… But things are getting better. I’ve been talking with an old friend—Lindsey—who randomly called me up the other day, and we’re going through the same thing. She’s a big encouragement. Everything will be okay. Life goes on. Take a deep breath. There is hope. Yes: hope reigns.

I was reading through my journals, what I wrote during the days she and I were together. I was a good boyfriend. I really was. I treated her right. I tried to make her happy. We had our problems, like every relationship does, and those problems got the best of us. But I wasn’t a bad man. I wasn’t a bad boyfriend. I gave her the world, or at least tried to. She was my reason for breathing. “You’re a good, decent guy, Anth,” my little sister told me. “I know all of your deepest, darkest secrets [she does] and I still know for a fact that you’re a good, decent guy. One of the last ones out there.”