an old soul

HOME.

Grandma and I sat out on the front porch this morning reading the newspaper and drinking coffee. I came up to Dayton last night, just needed to get away from the city. I enjoy living in the city, I really do, but deep down I'm a country boy at heart, I'm sure of it. I like the quiet of the country, how you can hear the insects at night, the crispness of the air. Cincinnati's population of upwards 300,000 gained an extra 90,000 over the last week due to the World Choir Games. We've had people from England, Australia, Scotland, Italy, Brazil, and especially the Asian nations coming through our store (the South Americans and Italians make multiple return trips, emphasizing how we're the only coffee shop in the area who does coffee right). The streets have been flooded with bands and orchestras, with people dressed up in all sorts of nationalistic and tribal clothing, going around singing in a plethora of different languages. It's been cool to see, but also exhausting: I'm ready for Cincinnati to get back to normal again. I'm ready for the people driving downtown to be people who know how to be driving downtown; thankfully I'm not one who suffers from "road rage", but if I were, several foreigners would probably have been slain by the crossbow locked away in my trunk.

Coming to Dayton--well, Centerville, if you want to get technical--always makes me feel a little bit more at ease. I think it's being around my parents and grandmother, being around unconditional love, that alleviates the stress sledgehammering me from several different angles. I'm able to think a little more clearly, able to breathe a little more deeply, able to sleep a little more soundly. A few nights ago, Patrick and I met up at Nicholson's Irish Pub just around the block from work, and we enjoyed beer and I had some steamed mussels, and we talked about how discontent we feel in our stations in life. I'm 25 years old and honestly feel lost when it comes to life, but Pat pointed out that most 25 year-olds are accosted by such feelings, and others simply don't think about it. A lot of people my age are just trying to enjoy life the best they can, through pleasure; but such a life is repulsive to me. I can see through the veil, so-to-speak, and I've seen what that kind of living produces, have seen it countless times in those dear to me. I may not know all the specifics about what I want to do, where my life is going, or any of that; I may not have a blueprint, but at least I have a foundation. I at least know a thing or two about what I genuinely want out of life, and it comes as no surprise to those who (a) know me or (b) read my blog: love.

As Brandon put it, "Love is the meaning of life, it's what it's all about." Being gay, he's found himself super frustrated. "It's hard finding someone you can love and be loved by if you're gay," he said. He avoids gay bars because it's just people hooking up, and he doesn't want that. He kiddingly remarked that being gay may be the bane of his existence: "If I were straight, I'd probably be married and have kids by now." I quipped that gay or straight, love remains something difficult to find, and the unfortunate reality is that most people our age are more interested in the fancy-free illusion of love rather than the commitment, dedication, and resolve needed to see love through to the end. 

Maureen told me, "You're an old soul, wise beyond your years, trapped in a young man's body." I don't know about the whole wisdom thing (I can point out more than a few not-so-wise decisions I've made throughout my life), but she may be somewhat right: I agonize over life, over relationships, over the meaning of it all and what I'm supposed to be doing. Mine's a contemplative soul, and it's a bittersweet thing: contemplation opens doors to unknown vistas, but too much contemplation may open doors that would be better left bolted shut. Sometimes I fear being 40 and being alone and miserable and just as lost. But Patrick thinks that unlikely. "You're stronger, wiser, and smarter than you know. You're different from most of my friends, and in a good way: you're well-grounded, you love more responsibly than most, and you have a compassionate and loving heart. You have a good soul." I may have an old soul, but I'm not sure if it's good. Nevertheless, I'm hoping he's right.