Devou Park

This afternoon I checked out a local park here in Covington. Devou Park boasts 700 acres with winding nature trails, a golf course, several playgrounds, a lake, and a pretty decent lookout over the city. I remember coming here in early 2009, during my first days living in the Lehman House. I walked over the spot where I stood looking out over the city, thinking about Mandy and how she'd just left Cincinnati, wondering what would become of us and our friendship. Nearly five years later, I'm so thankful that she's still a part of my life, and not just "a" part but THE part. 

I walked down one of the nature trails and diverged into the woods, seeking a spot where I could sit on a fallen log and read scripture and pray. During my college days Mount Echo offered such a sanctuary, and after my Old Testament History class with Dan Dyke, I would go to a secret spot in the woods and drink Ale-8, smoke a cigar, and meditate over what we learned in class. I cherish those moments at Mount Echo, and once I found a decent log and "popped a squat" so-to-speak, the joy of those moments returned. I opened my Bible to the psalms and prayed through Psalm 42, bearing my hopes and fears and anxieties before God. 

Why am I so overwrought?

Why am I so disturbed?

Why can't I just hope in God?

Despite all my emotions, I will believe and praise the One 

who saves me and is my life.

(Psalm 42.5, The Voice)

We all have our weaknesses and struggles. I don't like to wear mine on my sleeve. I try to hide my anxieties from those around me, sharing such struggles only with those closest to me. I am not that way with God. He knows the anxieties that tear through me at times, that sap the joy out of the day, that pierce my heart and turn my blood cold as arctic snow. He knows the way my heart begins to accelerate, how the anxiety makes me feel sick and heavy. He isn't the only one who knows such things; those unseen entities that assail themselves against God, against His people, against creation, these entities know the chinks in my armor, and they aim their claw-tipped arrows where they know it'll hurt the worst. As I come before God bearing a fear-riddled heart, I find that God has come to me ever before I even thought of coming to Him. He reminds me that I am utterly and irrevocably dependent on Him, and He reminds me that not only does He love me, He actually likes me, and He delights in me and cherishes me as a father cherishes a son. He reminds me that He has a plan for me, and not just a plan for me, but a plan for me and Mandy. He hints at that plan without revealing any of the details, and He calls me not to figure everything out but simply to hope in Him, trust in Him, in His providence and power. God is my hope, my rock, my shield, and my help. Just as He meets the psalmist in his own fears and struggles, so He meets me in mine--and He carries me through them. 

Mandy knows my stress, my anxieties. I am vulnerable with her, showing her my weakness. And she comes beside me, helping me in the midst of it all. Her affection, her care, her tenderness, her understanding, her adamance that we are a team, that we will figure it out, that we need to trust God and follow His leading, all of that makes me all the more grateful to be with her. She really is a blessing, and just talking with her about these things, I can see Jesus in her. And I hope that I can be just as supportive, just as helpful, just as comforting to her when she needs it, despite me being a dumb brute of a man. In all my prayers I thank God for her, and not just for her, but for all that she is in and through Him. 

I know I'm moving to Wisconsin. I don't know how it'll all work itself out. I want to figure out every little detail. I want to save up so much money that I'll have no problems getting up there and settling down. I want to find an amazing job that's fulfilling and rewarding. I want everything to work out perfectly, and I agonize over making that happen. God tells me to trust in Him, to trust in His providence; He will provide. And He will. I don't know how He will provide, I don't know what it'll all look like. That's what bothers me. Oftentimes God provides for us in ways that we don't expect, and we shouldn't equate His providence with having an easy going of things. This move will be hard. It will probably be hard financially. It will definitely be hard emotionally. If I don't get the kind of job that I want, if I don't make the amount of money that I want to make, it'll cut at my pride. I'll be saying goodbye to many dear friendships, leaving a community that has sustained me and brought me joy over the past five years. I'll become the "new guy", and though I'm eager to become a part of Mandy's friend group and community, I know enough about how human beings work to know a "new guy" inserting himself into a new group isn't embraced by all. It'll take lots of time and hard work (especially for an introverted guy such as myself) to find and experience the kind of community I have here. I'm excited about moving up to Wisconsin to be with Mandy (more eager than I've ever been to do anything!), but that doesn't mean I'm naive. I know there will be great difficulties, and I'm thankful again that I'll have Mandy at my side through it all.

This won't be easy. It'll be hard. But it will be good. It will be amazing. The word of God cuts through the anxieties, meeting me in my moment of need. He tells me that He has a plan for me, a plan for us, and this is the beginning of that journey. He has intended our union, and He has brought us both to where we need to be for this, for us, to work; and not just "work" in the sense that we can get along and love one another, but "work" in the sense that we, as a man and woman united in Him, can serve Him and advance His kingdom in all the ways He has planned for us. This call to trust in Him when I don't know the outcome, when I know the difficulty that lies ahead, is no different than the call both of us will need to embrace as we seek out His will for us and our family in the coming years. My move to Wisconsin is another step into what He intends for us, and it isn't the final step. There will be a subsequent step, and a step after that, and then another step. Mandy and I don't need to figure everything out right now. That's an impossible task. We simply need to trust God and keep following His leading, His prompting, and go where He calls us to go, knowing that He'll provide the ways and means for each and every step. 

It's my inner instinct to kick against the very idea that God has "a plan" for me, "a plan" for us. But despite my theological doubts, that's precisely what He's telling me--and it's what He's been telling me for years. There have been moments in my life when I've so clearly heard the voice of God, when He's spoken to me and shown me things. I mention these things to others only in ambiguous terms, because all along I haven't known whether or not to trust them. I'm a cynic, after all, and so when there are episodes in my life where I hear God's voice, when He gives me a vision, and if I can't shake them despite the turning of the years, then there must be something to them. When there's a consistent thread running through each, all pointing to this, to us, and when God tells me quite plainly, "I have a plan for you, a plan for the two of you, and I'll bring it to pass," what can I do but trust Him? Sometimes you need to shelve doubts in the light of God's plain speech. Five months ago I never expected God to bring us this far, even though I prayed for Him to do so with clenched fists and passionate pleas. He has already worked wonders, and He will continue to do so. 

In early November of last year, as I was driving to a wedding and feeling pretty glum about how life was shaping up, God spoke to me: "Hope in Me. Trust in Me. Wait on Me--and watch what I will do!" Those words return to me time and time again. God continually calls me to do precisely that, and He has proven faithful and true, and in ways far beyond what I ever expected. 

Trust Yahweh from the bottom of your heart;

don't try to figure out everything on your own.

Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;

He's the one who will make your path straight.

(Proverbs 3.5-6)