6.14.15

At many points in my life, and not least now, I haven't "felt" God. Because emotions are such a huge part of life, when we don't feel the emotions we think we should feel, we're puzzled, asking ourselves, "What's wrong?" Does a lack of expected emotions mean that my faith is ill or that Christianity is a delusion? God has made us emotional creatures, and I'm encouraged by those Psalms of David that express a certain reality quite clearly: even the Saints of Old suffered moments of not "feeling" the presence of God. David, Elijah, Jeremiah: these were choice folk of God who knew very well the pains and puzzlement of not feeling God's presence. I'm encouraged, too, by "modern" saints, such as William Cooper. Cooper was a singer and songwriter who composed dozens of infamous hymns, and he worked alongside John Newton, who composed Amazing Grace. Cooper suffered from bouts of depression his entire life, and he wrote, "Where is the joy that once I knew when first I saw the Lord? Where is the soul's refreshing view of Jesus and his word? What peaceful hours I once enjoyed, how sweet their memory still. But they have left an aching void this world can never fill." Cooper's words resonate with my own pendular swings of emotion.

A lot of the worries that a lack of expected emotion causes may stem from wrong ideas or assumptions about what we should feel. We live in a very emotive culture (Apple's recent release of a whole new slew of emoticons reflects this fact), and this emotive-focused atmosphere has infiltrated the psychology of the western church. So many of us believe that once we make the lifelong commitment to God, we have nothing to expect but unfettered joy, peace, and bliss. This is a critical and tragic error. It's erroneous, because (as I said above) it doesn't fit the experience of the Saints of Old, regardless of what covenant you ascribe to. A "personality map" of the Apostle Paul indicates that he experienced his own swings of emotion no less than King David or William Cooper. While feelings are a vital part of our being, they are not the litmus test of faith. Feelings of joy can lapse or weaken during our lives. Moods arise from our physical chamber; unless we train our emotions, they can take us captive and lead us by the nose. If we don't steel ourselves, we're at their whims. Much of our distress as Christians comes not because of sin but because we are ignorant of our physiological workings; at the same time, for Christians, if we're living a disobedient life, nothing will stop those feelings until we live an obedient life. Those who aren't Christians, of course, don't experience this to the degree that Christians do. I don't think this has anything to do with the psychological makeup of the religious, as some skeptics claim; rather, I believe the presence of the Holy Spirit is a reality in the life of the Christian, and since one of the Spirit's operations is to convict us of sin, it makes sense that the Spirit will use emotions (as well as other things) in pursuit of that goal. This isn't to say, of course, that an obedient life inexorably leads to a life of unbroken joy, bliss, and pie-in-the-sky religious euphoria.

My emotions have been all over the place lately. Surges of emotion hit us every day: hurt, pain, sorrow, anger, heartache... There's always some struggle we face in the Waking Hours (and we often face them in the Sleeping Hours, as well). I've been taking the advice of a mentor and have been trying to prepare my heart each day by immersing myself in God, in scripture, in prayer. Early will I seek Thee, the psalmist writes; taking time at the dawn of each new day to bathe in scripture gives God the opportunity to condition our hearts to better face the day. This is a critical way to bring emotions in line, and it has nothing to do with psycho-babble therapy. I've found that I'm stronger than I was a year ago, but that doesn't mean the surges of emotion don't continually strike. I'll be honest in saying that the past year has been nothing but an onslaught of negative emotions, and these haven't abated; but by God's grace I've been getting better at handling them and not being ruled by them. I definitely have a lot of growing and learning to do, and a lot of changing to do while I'm at it, but the small steps forward are definitely encouraging.