Saturday, December 16, 2006

I have been put on a medicine that has brought me out of the manic-depressive cycles, and it helps me think clearly. I am now able to put aside my emotions over the breakup and not let them control me. I find myself searching deep into the question, “Why has this breakup been so hard for me?” and I’ve come up with four possible reasons; I believe all play into the difficulty of dealing with the breakup.

First, I really liked Julie. I would’ve given her my arm and leg to make her happy. I find myself contemplating whether or not we will become friends again next semester. Part of me wants this to happen and part of me does not, because I do not want to fall for her again or give any reason for the feelings to return. I mean, I liked her a lot, more than I've ever liked any girl. I look around at the girls on campus and see that hardly any of them even begin to compare with Julie.

Second, Julie symbolized Hope. When Julie died, Hope died. For all my life, I have prayed and prayed and prayed for love. When Julie came along, I thought God told me, “This is the one whom I have for you!” I thanked God for this answer to prayer, and the next day she ended it. Hope died with her words, “I don’t like you and don’t want to be with you anymore.” Those words have engraved themselves within me. I saw Hope leave and run after someone else… And I was left broken and bleeding upon the hearth of despair. I am just now beginning to return to hope, beginning to return to the idea that maybe, just maybe, I am not destitute of hope. Maybe, just maybe, Julie wasn’t the one and there’s someone better—someone more suited for me—out there. “Who is it?” I have no idea. But I’m daring to believe that hope exists and that God will stay true to His word.

Third, when Julie left me, I kept looking back on our relationship searching for ways I had failed at being a good boyfriend. I looked at myself and saw all sorts of inadequacies. Feelings of inadequacy clung to my heart in an icy grip, whispering faint voices that left craters upon my self-image, craters that are only now beginning to be filled: “You’re not good enough for a good girl. You’re not good enough physically, you’re not good enough emotionally, you’re not good enough mentally, you’re not good enough socially, you’re not good enough in all the ways that a good girl wants.” So what options did I have? I chose resignation. Sit in the woods, stare at the trees, and brood on all the ways I failed, dwell on all my inadequacies until I fully realized “Hey, I suck and will never get a girl.” Finally, with the depression medicine, some clarity came and I began realizing that I am not inadequate. God has made me how I am, and whoever "she" is will find me adorable, her huggable little teddy bear. Sure, I have some faults (who doesn't?) but God is transforming me daily to become more and more like His Son.

Fourth, a voice whispered to me, “This happened because you’re not a good enough Christian. If you would have only done better as a Christian, this never would have happened. It’s all your fault. There’s no hope for you.” I (wrongly) took these words to be the voice of God. It is said that Satan masquerades as an “angel of light,” simply meaning that he will sometimes take on the identity of divinity to accuse us. I fell into the pit of believing these lies. Yet one day someone told me, “When God speaks to us, He encourages us. When Satan speaks to us, he discourages us.” These words were quite discouraging, not encouraging at all! I am now listening to the quiet voice of God. “I am here. I love you. I like you. I am proud of you. Everything will be okay. I’ll take care of you.”

Friday, December 15, 2006

Marc Estes wrote a book called “…What Now: Making Sense of Who You Are and Where You’re Going.” In the first chapter, he gives several different influences that help mold who we are:

Culture influences “who we are.” He writes, “The culture you are immersed in shapes your life.” He lists several different aspects of culture (educational, entertainment, the media, political, and social aspects) that help shape who we are. In the Western World, all of these help shape who Anthony Barnhart is. He goes on, “You don’t have to go very far to see how each of these areas has influenced your thoughts, taken some of your time, and even drained your wallet. In some cases they have even become more prominent than God Himself.” I remember a day when I let my education become more important than God. The realization of those modern-day idolatry came to me one morning when I was sitting out on the porch drinking a cup of coffee. Since then, I’ve come long leaps and bounds to rediscovering myself in the primary importance of God.

Relationships influences “who we are.” These relationships can mold us in positive or negative ways. The scriptures warn us to keep from close company with those who do not care about God, for their lifestyles, attitudes, and perspectives will rub off onto us. Likewise, being close friends with people who really do care about God helps to strengthen us, encourage us, and sharpen us in our journey with God. Relationships can influence us in other ways, too. Good relationships—relationships that have worked out how we wanted them to work out—can bring good out of us, but bad relationships—in this case, relationships that have not worked out how we wanted them to work out—can turn us bitter, cold, resentful, and can lead to resignation. My relationship with Julie did not work out how I wanted it to work out, and I had to wrestle through bitterness and resent, but thankfully God helped transform me.

Our own flesh influences “who we are.” In the scriptures, our “flesh” does not necessarily refer to our blood-and-bones. A lot of the times it refers to the sinful, selfish, animal nature within us. A nature that is selfish, greedy, overly self-indulgent, and indifferent to others and God. The scriptures tell us that this sinful nature is within every one of us. As Christians, we are called to subdue this sinful nature and eradicate its manifestations in our life. The author writes, “Our flesh is an intense and compelling force, and we would serve ourselves well to acknowledge its influence on our lives and make every attempt to minimize its impact.” Simply turning our heads does not work; we must make a conscious effort to subdue the sinful nature, with God helping us the entire way. If we let our sinful nature go unchecked, its influence is huge: we become more and more selfish, more and more greedy, more and more indifferent. We become bitter, angry, and insensitive people. We become a disgrace to anything stamped with the name of God. And this nature within us corrupts not only us but everything we touch. It will destroy relationships. “Whether we like it or not, we were born with a relentless sinful nature that will pester us until we reach the grave. No matter how much we pray or fast, the sinful nature seems to rear its ugly head in the most peculiar ways… The apostle Paul [challenges us]: ‘Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is true worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.’ (Rom 12.1-2, TNIV).”

The Enemy influences “who we are.” “Your soul’s enemy is bent on distracting you from ever amounting to anything. He works overtime, enticing you to build for yourself a kingdom of material wealth, rather than a legacy of purpose. He develops strategies that entice you to pursue distorted dreams of fulfillment through careers, hobbies, and even relationships. He devises ways to lure you to the pleasures of this world for self-gratification. In the end, life becomes merely what happens to people between the cradle and the grave, rather than a resource they determine to make life count for eternity.” It is God’s desire that we live an “abundant life,” a life that is lived to its fullest extent, a life lived in the greatness and beauty and joy of the kingdom of God. He wants us to make our lives count. Yet Jesus acknowledged in John 10.10 that there is an Enemy—Satan—who wants the exact opposite, and he will do everything he can to keep us from this “abundant life.”

God and His kingdom influences “who we are.” “It is God and His kingdom that should be the shaping influence of our lives. Unfortunately, few allow this to happen.” I myself am one of those few who is hesitant to allow this to happen (forgive me for speaking in complete honesty). How does God want Himself and His kingdom to influence us, exactly? “It is in Him that we have everything we need to live life. His Word tells us how we should think and act. His Spirit guides us, encourages us, and even assists us to see life through an eternal filter. And church guides us toward spiritual health, growth, and maturity.” Sadly, many of us allow the influences of culture, relationships, our sinful nature, and the Enemy to guide, direct, and bring shallow meaning (or meaninglessness!) to our lives. Estes says, “It would be an ominous mistake for us to underestimate the weight and influence of God and His kingdom in our lives.”

At the end of the chapter, Estes asks the reader to contemplate several questions:

“What’s my purpose in life?”
“What dreams do I have for my life?”
“What am I doing now to reach my goal?”
“What really excites me?”
“Where do I spend my time?”
“Where do I spend my money? What do I like to give to?”
“Am I really living life on purpose, or merely letting life happen to me?”

These are questions I am pondering, meditating upon, and searching out.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Elijah: A Living Polemic

The prophet Elijah is one of the greatest prophets who have ever lived. While he did not write any books, his great apologetics for God and his attacks against Canaanite religion largely influenced the tide of culture in ancient Israel. He is a person of flesh-and-blood, with strengths and weaknesses, hopes and doubts, fears and courage. He is a man who almost fell apart under emotional trauma yet remained true to God, finally tasting the rest he so desired. The New Testament speaks grandly of this great character of the faith when Elijah appears with Moses at Jesus’ transfiguration (Matt 17.1-6).

In the days of Elijah, Israel was divided into the northern and the southern kingdom. In the northern kingdom of Israel, King Ahab ruled following the great days of his father Omri. King Ahab had married a Phoenician princess, Jezebel, in order to seal an alliance between his father Omri and the king of Phoenicia. Alliances sealed with deals between princes and princesses were common in the ancient world. When Ahab took his father’s throne, his wife Jezebel—being determined and strong—brought her own religion—the Baal-Melqart cult—into Israel. The Tyrian god—Melqart—was worshipped in Phoenicia; the idea of his deity corresponded with older Baal ideals, so this is Phoenicia’s own “version” of the Canaanite Baal. This is a great tragedy in Israel, for King David, during the days of the United Monarchy, had rid the land of such Canaanite worship; now, a princess from a foreign land brought such detestable worship back. Jezebel hated the idea of her religion co-existing with the worship of Yahweh; therefore, she set out to destroy the worship of the true, living God (even to the point of destroying Yahweh’s prophets!). It is in this great, distressing time that God calls the prophet Elijah to the ministry.

The Baal cult is one of the most common pagan religions in the Old Testament world. In the Old Testament, the name of a chief deity is Baal, meaning “Master, Possessor, or Husband.” Most of the time it refers to the Western-Semitic form of the storm-god Hadad, the chief deity of the Canaanite pantheon. The name “Baal” was often used as the name for other chief deities (such as Melqart, the chief god of Tyre; and Molech, the chief god of the Ammonites).

Baal in the sense of the Baal Elijah deals with is a nature deity. He is the god over the rain and weather. Ancient myths show him dealing in conflict with death, infertility, and flood waters. He always emerges victorious as “the king of the gods.” In the Canaanite pantheon, he is associated with Ashtaroth, Asherah, and is considered the son of the Philistine god Dagon.

The worshippers of Baal and the partakers of the Canaanite religion often worshipped on mountains, with the sacred places being marked with a heavy stone altar, a sacred tree or pole, and a stone pillar. The stone pillar symbolized Baal, and the sacred tree or pole—called Asherah poles—symbolized the fertility goddess Asherah. In urban centers, this worship often took place in temples with a courtyard or enclosure; the temple would include a roofed shrine with a porch and a pillared hall. The altar, stone pillar, and Asherah pole were kept in the middle of the courtyard, and statues of the deities were kept in the sacred shrines.

The worship of Canaanite gods involved the sacrifice of animals, foods, and drinks (sometimes even children). The worship went in seasonal spurts: the gods “died” in the fall and were “reborn” in the spring. During the fall, the worshippers celebrated the gods’ deaths through rituals of great mourning, funeral rites, and self-torture and mutilation (it may have during this season that Elijah set up his Baal—vs.—Yahweh contest on Mt. Carmel). In the spring, in celebration of their resurrections, the worshippers celebrated with sacramental sexual indulgence. The Temples often contributed to this by having male and female prostitutes and special chambers available for religious fornication. Women often sacrificed their virginity to the Canaanite goddess Asherah in the hopes to win her favor in being fertile.

The brutal ugliness of Canaanite religion is expertly described by Howard E. Vos in An Introduction to Biblical Archaeology:

“One may question that those ancient enemies of Israel were as evil as the Bible claims they were but even a superficial glance at Canaanite religion alone ably demonstrates their iniquity. Base sex-worship was prevalent, and religious prostitution even commanded; human sacrifice was common; and it was a frequent practice—in an effort to placate their gods—to kill young children and bury them in the foundations of a house or public building at the time of construction: Joshua 6:26 “In his days did Hiel the Bethelite build Jericho: he laid the foundation thereof in Abiram his firstborn…” (17-19)

The prophet Elijah was born in the backward town of Gilead. The scriptures describe him as a very hairy man who was known by the people of Israel as being extremely hairy!

His first prophetic act is recorded in 1 Kings 17.1-24. Elijah approached the wicked King Ahab and announced, “God shall send a dreadful drought upon the land!” The drought began; Ahab was furious with Elijah and tried to find him, but Elijah ran and hid from him during most of the 42 months of drought. Ahab’s anger with Elijah led him to even explore foreign countries for the prophet of God!

During the drought, Elijah’s second prophetic act took place (1 Kings 18.1-40). Elijah approached King Ahab and asked him to set up a contest on Mount Carmel to determine who the most powerful god truly is: Yahweh or Baal? Ahab agreed. Elijah, the single prophet of God, traveled to Mount Carmel. Ahab, along with many of Jezebel’s favorite prophets of Baal, joined him. They gathered together upon the mountain, with the altar before them. Elijah said to the prophets, “Call to your god. If he is real, then he will send down fire from heaven and consume your sacrifices.” Baal was known as the god of lightning; sending down fire would be something simple for him. Many of the worshippers of Baal considered him the “lord of fire.” Also, they are gathered upon a mountain, a sacred place for Baal. The conditions are ripe for Baal—not Yahweh—to respond. Baal’s prophets begin calling on Baal by standing in a prayer vigil before him. When Baal fails to show up, they begin cutting themselves with swords and spears, practicing bloodletting practices in order to conjure up an answer from their god. However, Baal never shows up. Once the prophets have had their turn, Elijah stands up to bat. He takes buckets of water and drenches the sacrifice and the stones of the altar with water to where it is overflowing. He then makes a public prayer, calling on Yahweh to show that He is the God of Israel, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, a God not to be trifled with. Fire roars down from heaven and engulfs the altar, the sacrifice, and even evaporates the water! The onlookers receive a very blatant message: “Yahweh has defeated Baal! Even if he had not been the king god, He sure was the king god now!” Elijah then turned to all the onlookers who had watched the contest and exclaimed, “Do you not see who the real God is? Now, take these false prophets and slay them!” The people became riled up and attacked the prophets of Baal; the false prophets, those beloved by Queen Jezebel, fled towards the Kishon River. However, trapped by its banks, they were quickly overcome and slaughtered.

As the prophets were being chased down, Elijah turned and faced the shocked King Ahab (1 Kings 18.41-45). “Have a feast, you king. The drought is coming to an end.” Ahab, knowing that the source of his words is from the mouth of a living god, believes him and throws a feast. And it begins to rain. The 42 months of drought is over, and the rain falls amongst the corpses of the slain prophets of Baal.

When Queen Jezebel hears of the loss of her favorite prophets, she goes crazy (1 Kings 19.1-18). She sends a messenger to Elijah with a shrieking message: “You killed my prophets! I swear by the gods that I am going to kill you by this time tomorrow evening!” When Elijah gets the message, a great and intolerable fear grips him. All of the emotional trauma and pain comes crashing to his head all at once. Not only does Queen Jezebel’s evil have a terrifying aura all its own, but Elijah is seeing little fruit for his labors and is feeling quite alone in the world. Driven to despair, he makes a course for Mt. Horeb. He stops at Kadesh-Barnea the first night and falls under a broom tree, finding shade in the blistering Sinai Desert. An angel comes to Elijah—some speculate that this angel is the pre-incarnate Christ—and asks, “Elijah, what’s wrong?” Elijah answers, “I can’t go on! This emotional pain is too much to bear! Please kill me!” The angel comforts Elijah with some food and nourishment to continue on his journey. For the next forty days and forty nights, Elijah continues his flight to Mt. Horeb. When he reaches Mt. Horeb, an encounter with God takes place.

God says to Elijah, “Why are you here?” Elijah answers, “I have seen no fruit for my labors. I am all alone. I am working for you, but I am being persecuted. I have nothing to live for!” God then says, “Stand before Me on the mountain.” Elijah does so, and the mountain is overcome with wind, an earthquake, and fire—but God does not reveal Himself in any of these. In the ancient Near East, theophanies (revelations of God) were often connected with battle, or thunderbolts and lightning, the storm-winds, and the trembling earth. God then reveals Himself in a quiet, soft whisper. While Israel’s God is a Warrior-God, He is also compassionate, merciful, kind and tender. Elijah’s vision of God is one marked with smoke-and-fog, great displays of power, and messages of fire-and-brimstone. At Mt. Horeb, his vision of God is transformed. As the beauty of God’s person is exacerbated before him, Elijah finds the strength to carry on. God then tells Elijah that he will bring three aides into Elijah’s ministry: first, King Hazael of the Arameans would be God’s tool to bring judgment on Israel as a whole; second, Jehu will become king and bring judgment upon Ahab’s household; third, another prophet—Elisha—would take over Elijah’s prophetic ministry, bringing rest to the weary prophet.

Elijah descends from Mt. Horeb, strength renewed and he goes and finds Elisha (1 Kings 19.19-21). The prophet-to-be is working at a large vineyard in Israel, in charge of 12 teams of oxen-plowers. Elijah quietly approaches him, takes his prophet’s cloak, and puts it upon Elisha. He walks away. Elisha, understanding what has happened, quickly abandons the oxen and runs after Elijah. “Let me receive a blessing from my parents, and then I shall come away with you and be your apprentice!” Elijah says, “Calm down. Relax.” Elisha takes a few breaths and butchers the oxen he had been leading, preparing a feast with them. He celebrates with friends and family before joining Elijah as his apprentice. Elijah and Elisha would work together as partners for approximately ten years before Elisha would become Elijah’s primary successor.

Some time later, Elijah reappears to rebuke Ahab (1 Kings 21). He hurls guilt upon Ahab for murder and thievery, for Ahab and Jezebel had conspired together in a very wicked act. Ahab unjustly took a vineyard as his own; his wife Jezebel arranged the execution of the owner, Naboth, through a staged court trial; Ahab then took the vineyard and turned it into a palace garden. What became Ahab’s penalty? Elijah laid it out plain to him. First, a prophecy is made against Ahab: “Dogs will lick up your blood outside the city, just as they licked up the blood of Naboth!” He makes a prediction upon Ahab’s household: “God is very angry with you! All your male descendents shall be killed, and your descendents shall be eaten by dogs and picked apart by vultures!” As to the decrepit Queen Jezebel, he gives this prophecy: “Jezebel shall be eaten by dogs, and she will become like feces on the ground.” In grief at this news, Ahab repents. Because of his repentance, God relents: “I will not bring these calamities upon his household while he remains alive.” Even Ahab tastes the mercy of God!

Some time later, Ahab died and his son Ahaziah took the throne, and Elijah delivered to him a message from God (2 Kings 1). Ahaziah experienced an accident and became mortally injured. He became bed-ridden, and he sought the priests of Beel-zebub—the god of the Philistines—for news on his chances of recovery. God is very upset at this, so he has Elijah give this message to some of Ahaziah’s messengers: “A message from Yahweh: ‘Why did you seek counsel from the foreign gods? Is there no God in Israel? For this, you shall die in the bed in which you lie!’” When Ahaziah heard this prophecy, he asked, “Who told you this?” The messengers did not know Elijah’s name; they simply described him as “a hairy man.” Ahaziah knew it was Elijah immediately, so he sent an army captain and fifty soldiers to arrest the prophet. When the 51 warriors reached Elijah, the captain ordered Elijah to surrender. Elijah boldly declared, “If I am truly a man of God, then every one of you shall be burned alive!” Lightning danced down from heaven and consumed the soldiers. Ahaziah became enraged at the news of what happened and sent another contingent. They, too, were consumed with lightning. Ahaziah refused to give up. He sent yet another contingent of soldiers. When the captain approached Elijah, he fell to his knees, begging for mercy, begging to be spared. Elijah said, “Take me to your king. I will speak with him.” When Elijah entered the presence of King Ahaziah, he condemns the king for his wickedness. The king then dies on his deathbed, and his son Jehoram takes the throne.

Finally, it came for Elijah’s request—his request to be taken to the gates of heaven—to be granted (2 Kings 2.1-14). The time had come for Elisha to take over Elijah. Elijah said to Elisha, “Ask for anything you want from me.” Elisha asked for a “double portion” of his prophetic power; in the ancient world, this is virtually asking, “Make me your primary successor.” There may have been many other apprentices to Elijah other than Elisha. His request is granted! As Elijah and Elisha are walking, a chariot of fire—driven by horses of fire—comes and sweeps Elijah off to heaven. Elisha stands jaw-dropped, picks up Elijah’s prophet’s cloak which fell from him when he was taken, and he put it on. He approached the Jordan River and touched the cloak to the water; the Jordan River split, reminiscent of the ancient crossing of the Red Sea and the Israelites’ entry into Canaan under Joshua. The power of the Exodus rested in his hands!

When looking at the whole of Elijah’s ministry, we see that he ministers in an era of great Baal worship. Throughout the many centuries of ancient Israel, three different forms of Baalism existed. There was “pure Baalism,” where the worship of Baal was the only worship allowed and all other worship of other gods (including Yahweh) was persecuted. There was “Syncretistic Baalism,” the blending of the worship of Yahweh with other gods (such as Yahweh). Finally, there was “Modified Syncretistic Baalism;” this is where two different gods are worshipped but one is viewed as being greater than the other. Jezebel advanced pure Baalism, but most of the people throughout the land held to a Modified Syncretistic Baalism. They worshipped Yahweh and Baal at the same time. Much of Elijah’s ministry is geared towards defending Yahweh and attacking Baal. Elijah also lives in a time period where a purely monotheistic view of God did not yet exist (it would not really develop until the days of Isaiah). Most of the Israelites held the view that Yahweh was greater than the other gods and in conflict with them, or He was greater and subdued them as His co-regents or “employees” of such. Elijah’s ministry is an apologetic for Yahweh and a polemic against Baal.

Elijah supports Yahweh by being endowed with the powers of Yahweh’s greatest servants: Moses and Joshua. Although Moses and Joshua lived hundreds of years before, the God they worshipped was still alive and working, and He would unleash His power if He desired to. Some of Elijah’s powers that defended the authority of Yahweh included the power to create drought or bring rain, the power over grain and oil in the land, the power to resurrect the dead, the power to bring lightning on the mountains (which is a mockery of Baal, for Baal’s shrines are in the mountains), and the power to split the waters (echoing Moses’ splitting of the Red Sea and Joshua’s splitting of the Jordan River).

Elijah’s life attacks Baal in several ways. First, he is protected by lightning bolts from heaven; he speaks against Baal, yet Baal commands the lightning bolts and cannot stop him; it even appears as if Baal is protecting this blasphemer of the Canaanite deities! Second, all of his powers are the powers of Baal, except he uses them visibly and on-command; this mocks Baal and shows that Yahweh’s mere human servant is more powerful than the Canaanite’s version of “the king of the gods”! Elijah’s life makes the blatant point, “Don’t worship Baal! Don’t give in to Jezebel, despite the persecution! Stay loyal to Yahweh and worship Him! It is He who has the power!”

Ever since Yahweh called Abram to follow Him, He has had to deal with the great sin of idolatry. Ever since the beginning, the followers of God have been seduced by false gods. God took Abram down the coast of the Mediterranean, having him erect holy altars in those places sacred to the pagan gods, to show him that He alone was God. When the Israelites were later enslaved in Egypt, and the Exodus took place, God used 10 plagues to mock the Egyptian gods and show how worthless they truly were. Even then some people refused to commit themselves entirely to Him. When Joshua entered the land of Canaan, not soon afterwards the people adopted the religion of the Canaanites as their own, meshing it with their worship of Yahweh—a detestable act! Elijah speaks against the gods of the Canaanites, urging the Israelites to abandon them and follow Yahweh. His message did not result in total success for God, however. The people would continue to embrace false gods. Eventually they were punished for their idolatry: northern Israel fell to the Assyrian Empire in 722 B.C., and southern Israel fell to the Babylonian Empire in 586 B.C.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Katy brought her five year-old sister to school yesterday. As we sat down in Student Life (she studying for O.T. History and me studying for O.T. Prophecy), her little sister mingled with some students playing cards. She started talking about cats; someone asked her, “How many cats do you have?” She turned to Katy and asked, “Katy, how many cats do we have?” “We have four, Olivia,” Katy said. She then turned to me and said in a whisper, “I should have told her we had five cats, because one got ran over by a car but we haven’t told her yet.” Hah.

I spent most of the day studying for my Elijah paper down in Kyle’s room. He went off to basketball practice, so I visited Trista, Kayla, Monica, Shawnee, and Caleb in the coffee shop. Trista and I played a game of Mancala. She called it “Man-say-la.” As she took the game from Caleb, who was working the bar, the game slid out of the box, hit the ground, and 40 marbles bounced in every direction throughout the coffee shop. Rob and I helped her scoop them up, and then I beat her 2-1. Eventually I found myself in the coffee shop, wrote my paper on Elijah, and now I sit here having just printed it off, talking with Kyle and Katy online, very thankful to have the paper done (though it is a really good paper).

I saw Julie today. She was wearing one of the shirts we wore on a date once. A little something flickered within my heart, but then it sputtered out. I told Trista, “I am thinking I’m seriously almost over her this time. Even the thought of her being with one of my best friends doesn’t even bother me like it used to. I’m just like, ‘Eh, whatever.’ I’m beginning to be perfectly fine with where I am.” “So you don’t like her anymore?” “No, I still do. But it’s a lot less than it has been. My affections for her—romantic-wise—are dying more and more with each passing day. My eyes are beginning to open to the other fish in the sea.”

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

I slept in till noon yesterday because I didn't have work or any finals. I grabbed lunch in the coffee shop with Trista and Kyle, then hung out with Heather, Valerie, and Joel for a while. Cassie and I grabbed dinner and ran off to Bethesda Hospital to visit John and Ashley Price and their new baby, Chloe Price. She's adorable. John and Ashley met in January last year, were married by March, and they had their baby December 9, I believe. 8 pounds 11 ounces. Cassie loves babies and would not let the baby out of her hands. Quite funny. Upon returning, I hung out with Jessica and Kyle and refused to study for my Basic Bible Doctrines exam. I took the exam this morning at 8:00, was finished by 8:10, and then I crept back to my room and slept till 11:00. Today I am studying for Prophecy and Advanced Communications with Kyle, I'm going to Best Buy with Emily to get Caleb's Christmas gift, and other than that I really don't know what I'm going to do.

As I lied in bed half asleep this morning, a great idea for a novel formulated in my mind. It's influenced by The Boondock Saints and the story of the judge Gideon, influenced by the movies Man on Fire and Unbreakable. It's really quite original. I'm going to stencil out an outline today and perhaps start writing it this weekend. It would be something to keep me occupied over the down time over break. I’m also contemplating a good zombie novel and a romantic tragedy (probably not the best idea for my emotions right now, though!).

My "getting over" Julie continues to be a work-in-progress. There are times when I see her and it hurts, and then there are times when I am not affected at all. There are times when I do not think about her at all throughout the entire day, and then there are times when she crowds my every waking thought. Each day becomes easier than the day before it, though not exponentially (if that makes any sense). I’m totally over Sonja and would not get back with her; being away from her presence helped me get over her. I’m thinking Christmas break will help; sadly, living on a small Christian campus causes me to see Julie all the time, and the healing of these emotional wounds is slowed. Oh, and she just walked by and my heart tore. Such is how it goes, I guess.

I am thinking about searching for a preaching internship for somewhere over the summer. It would be a wonderful opportunity for me to really discover if the preaching ministry is for me.

Here’s a beautiful verse I read the other day; it really stuck out to me. This scripture is addressed to Christians who have claimed allegiance to Christ but yet continue to live in pursuit of the pleasures of the world. After rebuking them for their unfaithfulness to God, James gives this command:

“[G]ive yourselves humbly to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. And when you draw close to God, God will draw close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and let your hearts be filled with God alone to make them pure and true to him. Let there be tears for the wrong things you have done. Let there be sorrow and sincere grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. Then when you realize your worthlessness before the Lord, he will lift you up,encourage and help you.” (James 4.7-10, TLB)

Monday, December 11, 2006

Caleb and I walked beside the Ohio River last night, smoking some expensive cigars, celebrating the coming of the New Year. We ate at Rocket's Burgers, paroused Barnes & Nobles, and discussed biblical concepts and ideas. We exchanged Christmas gifts; he bought me new jeans, a new sweater, a new belt, and new shoes. I tried it on, and he said, "You're looking quite snazzy. Let's wear it to lunch tomorrow and see how many comments you get."

This week is going to be incredibly easy school-wise. I have tomorrow off of work and finals; on Tuesday I have one final at 8:00 and then I'm done with school and work; on Wednesday I have one final at 10:00 and then I'm done with school and finals; on Thursday I have one final at 10:00, work at 3:30, and at 6:30 or 7:00 I'll be on my way home for break!

One of my friends is going through the same kinds of trials I am, and he wrote these words in a beautiful acoustic song:

"He wants to know what went wrong. He's thinking God told him this was right, an answer to his prayers for love, and gone before the evening turned to night." (Broken People)


And these words of David inspire me in these difficult times:

"If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says GOD, "I'll get you out of trouble. I'll give you the best of care if you'll only get to know me and trust me. Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times; I'll rescue you, then throw you a party. I'll give you a long life, give you a long drink of salvation!" (Psalm 91.14-16)

Sunday, December 10, 2006

I met with Roger yesterday afternoon at the new McDonald’s, drank a coke and ate a double cheeseburger, and announced my resignation from Southwest Church as both a member and a teacher. I explained, “I have so much on my plate right now that I can’t deal with this, too. Teaching has become a burden to me, and I’m not growing spiritually. If anything, I’m declining spiritually. I’m beginning to have some doubts regarding things I’ve always held dear. I am in no condition right now to be a leader for the kids.”

So that’s why I wasn’t at church yesterday. I slept in, then spent some time out on the deck praying. “Look at me, God. I am miserable. My dream girl left me. My best friend betrayed me. I’m growing more and more distant from you each and every day. I don’t even know what to do. I want a different life than the one I lead. You have the right to leave me like this, but you also have the right to transform my life. God, I want this transformation. I do not want to be like this anymore. I am begging you to change my life. I cannot change it; only you can. You have all the power and all the ability, God. You do what you want to do. But please know this: your child—as broken and messed up as he is—is suffering. You tell me what to do, and I shall do it. I don’t want to be like this anymore.”

Christian Nationalism: Potent Quotables

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