questioning sin

As I drove home this afternoon, a thought struck me: “Why don’t we ever question what God wants or doesn’t want us to do?” Now, hear me out. I’m not talking about “questioning” these things in the sense of considering whether or not we wish to obey. Rather, I am talking about questioning these things in the sense of asking, as in the case of why certain acts and motivations are sins, “Why does God not want us to engage in these things?” Hmmm… This is something I have always thought about. One of the most brilliant examples I can think of is God’s command for us to stay sexually pure, avoiding pornography, lust, and sexual immorality. I believe He wishes us to stay away from this because of the negative effects it can have on us, our relationships, and in the world in general. Pornography/lust foster an outlook on girls (or guys) that focuses on physical attributes; the opposite sex becomes a play-toy for indulging our own appetites. Isn’t this what we do when we lust? We see a girl or a guy, and we start lusting: we forget about the innate nature of the person and instead focus on how they can please us. And so they devolve from being human to being a mere object to satisfy our desires. Sexual immorality, I think, works the same way. It often leads relationships down a mudslide where the beauty is replaced with mere physical attraction and desire for more fulfillment of the human sexual appetite. This isn’t always the case, because sometimes one can engage in sexual immorality with another person without it affecting the beauty of that person; but overall, I think that sexual immorality in relationships poses a huge problem to the evolution and maturity of the relationship: it gets the relationship stuck in a rut where it will either continue in suffocation or die altogether (hopefully, we can realize what is happening and fix the problem). I think all of the things mentioned in scripture as sins are sins because they go against the fabric of God’s nature: they are selfish, greedy, and indifferent (no matter the masks they wear).

a multiplicity of thoughts...

It’s sad but true: I was unable to give to Courtney what she needed in a relationship. Why? I believe herein lies the answer: I was immature and irresponsible (and I thank God that my activities this summer have transformed me). I was unable to give Courtney what she needed, but it had nothing to do with my care for and affection towards her. In hindsight, I would change many things about my relationship with Courtney (you can learn all you can about relationships from self-help books, but nothing beats actual life experiences). One thing I would change is showing my care, compassion, and affection more. The relationship is done and over; but I have learned from it. I made mistakes, and forgiving myself is a daily battle; but as my friend Jessie told me, “God takes our mistakes and uses them for the greater good of our lives.” I think God will do that somehow; I don’t know how, but He’s clever. I have learned from this relationship that friendship needs to be at the core; that maturity and responsibility cannot be underestimated; that service, kindness, sacrifice, and selflessness are priceless. It is easy for me to constantly look back on the relationship, allowing myself to be tormented by a million “What if?” questions; but I am taking deep breaths and doing my best to move forward—slowly but surely—and trying to make all that I have learned not go to waste. I am now better prepared and wise for my next relationship. Maybe that’s what God intended all along? The weight on my shoulders shall lesson; the days shall burn brighter; and life continues on.

One of my friends and I went to Wendy’s for dinner today. While there, we talked about our pasts and such of that nature. A serious conversation riddled with laughter. As we walked back to my car, she said, “I’m not really a bad person, Anthony.” I unlocked the door and looked over at her on the other side of the vehicle; “I know. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone messes up. Some people refuse to acknowledge it. Others cover it up with a veil of self-righteousness, convincing everyone they’re better than everyone else. Others will confess, ‘Yeah, I’ve had my fair share of mistakes, no way I’m talking myself out of that.’ And others will let their mistakes beat them over the head and crush them into despair.” I have a very unfortunate tendency to embrace the latter: to let my mistakes and sins of my past overwhelm me to the point where I am convinced that nothing good will ever come of me because of what I have done. Such an outlook is not only depressing; it’s the outlook of one who has embraced defeat and settled to live a life of mediocrity, always looking back on their past and refusing to move forward. Which leads me to my next thought…

The freshmen have all moved in, and this morning we had a special Sunday gathering with worship, a sermon, and communion. Larry, who was one of my teachers last year, gave the message. This kept coming forth from his mouth and resonating within me: “God has something great and amazing planned for every one of you; He is waiting for us to place our trust in Him and commit ourselves to Him. If we obey Him, He will bring these plans to fruition.” I caught the irony: this morning, my devotional dealt with not letting our mistakes define our identity and not letting our pasts determine our future. All of this rolled together with a singular, emphatic statement: “I cannot let my mistakes nor my past determine who I am or where I will go with my life. God has given me dreams. He has given me talent. He has given me passion. He wants to use all of this for the betterment of His world, and He wants to bless me immensely. To wallow in guilt and shame and failed relationships is to submit to defeat and thus keep myself in a rut. God is giving me a window to leap out of, a ladder by which to climb out of the hole I find myself in. I need to stop hanging onto the past and start embracing the future.” But how do I do such a thing? This I am still trying to figure out…

Trusting God. Hmmm… Last weekend, Amanda and I ran errands for Mom—groceries and such. As we walked through the aisles, pulling cereal boxes off the shelves, we talked about everything going on in my life. She made the comment, “It almost sounds like God is just trying to get you to trust Him, Anth. You have such a hard time with it, and it’s almost like He’s placing you in positions so you can learn to trust Him. A harsh learning curve, but maybe that’s what He’s doing?” Maybe she’s right. It’s not the first time I thought that might be the case. Trusting God… It’s a big struggle with me. I just can’t seem to let go of the wheel and give it to God (I hate that metaphor; here’s another: I just can’t seem to trust the nuts and bolts of God’s plan on the roller coaster of my life; sometimes I fear He’ll just send me crashing off the tracks).

life is a highway

“Don’t stare at the clouds. Get on with your life.”

- Ecclesiastes 11.4

I sat out on the back porch this morning, before the heat wave became too intense, and read through the book of Ecclesiastes. It is a wonderful book, what I believe to be King Solomon’s address to the Israelite multitudes sometime before his death. “Don’t stare at the clouds. Get on with your life.” I mulled over these words and wave after wave of thoughts came upon me.

My relationship with Courtney is over. We had fun. We had a great time. We liked one another, and through the relationship, we discovered things about ourselves that we had not yet seen before. Through the relationship, we discovered changes we needed to make in our lives, not just for the health of the relationship but for our overall individual health as well. I believe that God brought Courtney and me together. Through her, what had become a stagnant apathy towards God crumbled into a vibrant new passion for following Him; through her, God worked a lot on me, showing me my weaknesses and vulnerabilities, as well as giving me incentive and clarity for making changes I needed to make. While the relationship is over, the changes that took place in my life—and in her as well—are not reversed. I became more mature and responsible, and I believe that I’m where I need to be, at least in some aspects, for my next relationship. I have overcome addictions in my life that affected all of my previous relationships in negative ways.

It is sad, though, that Courtney and I are over. But after countless conversations with friends (not excluding Courtney), many prayers, and hours of contemplation, I have come to the firm belief that Courtney and I are not meant to be “forever.” Hindsight is always 20/20, and looking back at the relationship, I see different reasons why we would not have worked out. This has nothing to do with her not being good enough for me or me not being good enough for her; please don’t take what I’m saying the wrong way. I’m not going to get into a detailed exegesis of my relationship with Courtney and while it would not have worked out; such things do not need to be broadcasted over the worldwide web. Just be content with me saying that I now understand that friendship is a beautiful and wonderful thing to have with her, and I’m expecting that it will be better than being romantically involved. And while there are times that thinking of our time together does bring sadness, I realize that it is just a foretaste of what my relationship with my hopeful-“one” will be like.

So as I sit here writing on my laptop, I am faced with two options. Either I can continually think back to being with Courtney and all the joy we shared, and just pit myself in those memories despite knowing that things have happened for the best, or I can let logic and common sense guide me. I can sit on the back porch and stare at the clouds, wishing things were different, or I can get on with my life. I’ve decided, recently (not just now) to do the latter. I still have demons to wrestle with and things I regret, but I know that I will always have demons and regrets. Such is the life of a human being with a decently-good conscience. I hope Courtney and I can keep the friendship alive; I hope I won’t let my run-of-the-mill emotions get the best of me. I hope that we can go grab dinner once more at the Anchor Mill and talk about life and theology just like we used to. Those were moments I shall always cherish.

“Life is a Highway,” as Rascal Flatts tells it. That song used to mean something different to me, but now it comes under a new light. Life is a Highway, with exits and off-ramps and dead-ends, sure; but it also has new scenery, new beginnings, and if you’re lucky, it’ll take you all the way to vacation in the tropics. I guess that’s what I’m looking for. It’s what we’re all looking for.

"missional living"

In his new book They Like Jesus But Not The Church, Dan Kimball writes: “[W]e need to be missionaries to speak of [God’s] love and salvation through Jesus. We’ve got to realize that in our emerging culture, we are now in a different culture and we need to view it and the people in it as a missionary would. Christians are now the foreigners in a post-Christian culture, and we have got to wake up to this reality if we haven’t.” (pp 30)

How, though, are Christians to be missionaries? “Missional Living”, Kimball says, is the key. “Missional Living” is a recently new phrase, which Dan Kimball sums up as thus in seven points (pp 20):

1. “Being missional means that the church sees itself as being missionaries, rather than having a missions department, and that we see ourselves as missionaries right where we live.”

2. “Being missional means that we see ourselves as representatives of Jesus ‘sent’ into our communities, and that the church aligns everything it does with the missio dei (the mission of God).

3. “Being missional means we see the church not as a place we go only on Sunday, but as something we are throughout the week.”

4. “Being missional means that we understand we don’t ‘bring Jesus’ to people but that we realize that Jesus is active in culture and we join him in what he is doing.”

5. “Being missional means we are very much in the world and engaged in culture but not conforming to the world.”

6. “Being missional means we serve our communities, and that we build relationships with the people in them, rather than seeing them as evangelistic targets.”

7. “Being missional means being all the more dependent on Jesus and the Spirit through prayer, the Scriptures, and each other in community.”

Kimball speaks a lot of the “emerging culture.” A post is coming that talks about what this “emerging culture” actually is and what it means to Christianity here-and-now.

Ephesians 1 (meditations)

Scripture: Ephesians 1.3-6

God in our lives is a blessing all on its own. It is in Christ that we are blessed by God. “But how does God bless us in Christ?” His focus on us now is not wrath but love. He makes us whole by what He has done through Christ. He makes us holy by what He has done through Christ. We become people of God, children in His beloved family. He lavishes His gifts upon us, and He does so extravagantly. All of these blessings are given to us not because of our own merit, but because of what God has done for us. We escape His wrath because of Christ. We are made whole because of Christ. We are holy because of Christ. We are God’s people because of Christ. God lavishes His gifts upon us because of Christ. Our own efforts amount to nothing: it’s all Christ. Our receiving of God’s blessings is not dependent upon our efforts: it is dependent only upon Christ. Our behaviors do not make us any more or any less holy; holiness is a status bestowed upon us because of Christ. The scriptures exhort us to reflect this God-given status, not to attain it by our own works.

Scripture: Ephesians 1.7-10

Because of Christ’s sacrifice, we are free. “But what does this mean?” We are free from experiencing the penalties for our sin, and we are free from experiencing the punishments because of our sin. Jesus bore our penalties and punishments upon the cross so that we wouldn’t have to. We are now free to receive all we need from God, and we are free to be a part of God’s plan. And we are not just meagerly free; no, we are abundantly free! We are more free than we can possibly imagine—all because of Christ. It is in Christ that God is unfolding His great, majestic plan, this plan of bringing everything—all of creation, not just human beings—back to Himself; it is Jesus who is bringing this plan to fruition.

Scripture: Ephesians 1.11-12

In Christ, we discover both who we are and why we are here. “Who are we?” We are holy, innocent children of God; we are blameless and righteous; we are members of God’s realm; we are His co-workers, working alongside Him in his grand tasks; we are the ambassadors of God and representatives of a new humanity. “Why are we here?” We are here to serve God in whatever way He chooses to use us; we are here to reflect His nature, His holiness, His greatness in all that we do; we are here to help Him bring His great plans for creation to completion, the plans of reconciling all creation—from microbes to men to galaxies—back to Himself. And on top of all this, before we had the slightest care for God and His ways, He desired to bring us into His pasture. And while we ignored, despised, and even hated Him, He began the great work of bringing His wish to pass, a work that culminated in the death and resurrection of the Messiah and Deliverer and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Scripture: Ephesians 1.13-14

Through Christ, we are “home free”—delivered from all the condemnation, penalties, and punishments that we deserve. We are “home free” because Christ took all the condemnation, penalties, and punishments upon himself when he went to the cross. Through Christ, we have received the Holy Spirit: God dwelling in us. But this is only the beginning! A wonderful, glorious, extravagant life of reigning with God over the universe is to be ours when Jesus returns. The Holy Spirit is God’s “proof” that He will do this: that He will bring us to our inheritance in the Coming Age.

Scripture: Ephesians 1.15-19

“What is it that draws Paul to be thankful for the Ephesian Christians?” It is their solid trust in the Master Jesus Christ and the way they gush godly love onto one another that makes Paul so thankful. “What is it, specifically, that Paul asks for in his prayers to God regarding the Ephesian Christians?” He asks that God will make them intelligent and discerning in their intimacy with God (which they have only through Christ). He prays that their eyes will be focused and clear so that they can see what God wants them to do. And he prays that they will embrace the rich life found in Christ, an extravagant life of energy and strength; this life is only experienced, however, through God working in us and through the transformative power of the Holy Spirit. We should follow Paul and make his prayer our prayer, for other Christians… and for ourselves.

Scripture: Ephesians 1.20-23

Here Paul explores the sovereignty of Christ. This passage puts a divine nature on Christ, because the Jews understood God alone as being sovereign, so when Paul speaks of Christ being sovereign, it is clear that he is putting Christ on the same playing-field as God, the “playing-field” of divinity. Paul declares that Christ is in charge of everything, and he is in charge forever. The church (understood here as the body of Christ, i.e. Christians all over the world) is the tool which Christ uses to act in the world. He is the Master of the church, and the world is surrounded by the church—not vice versa.

Overview of Ephesians 1

In this passage, Paul devotes much of his time to his doctrine of Christ. Other elements are mentioned (a greeting, mention of the Holy Spirit, Paul’s prayers for the Ephesians, and Paul’s words on the church), but woven throughout all of these words is Paul’s speaking of the church. These beautiful truths about Christ that Paul lies out are:

1. It is in Christ that God blesses us.
2. It is in Christ that we are liberated.
3. It is Christ who determines “who we are.”
4. It is in Christ that our purpose is revealed.
5. It is through Christ that we are given the Holy Spirit.
6. It is because of Christ that we have a new destiny.
7. It is Christ who is God, and God who is Christ.
8. It is Christ who is in charge of everything, and he is in charge forever.

It is clear, isn’t it? Christ is EVERYTHING. Nothing of true value can be found outside of him. He is the bedrock of our faith, the center of our beings, and it is only in him that we can experience true peace, joy, contentment, and fulfillment. That is the way God wants it to be. When we hunger for more out of life, whether we see it or not, we are hungering for more of Christ.

Life has been going pretty well. I’m excited about school starting; I move into my Single on the 12^th, classes start the 13^th. I’m taking an Early Week class (The Gospel of Luke) that is condensed into a single week (nine a.m. to five p.m. Monday thru Friday). Caleb is the R.A. on my floor, so it will be good to hang out with him. I imagine we’ll hit up Skyline the first night or so.

Starbucks has been calling my name a lot lately. I’ve gone countless times since I’ve been back home. In fact, I just got back from a Starbucks excursion with Anna. My usual drink is the iced caramel macchiato, but I’ve been experimenting with frappucinos. Strawberries & Cream and Vanilla Bean are delicious. I’ve been talking with a friend from school—Jessie—on the phone at night. Purely innocent conversation, I assure you. She has a boyfriend. Just wanted to clear that up. We talk about everything going on, and she’s a writer, too, so we share ideas and such of that nature. She’s writing a fantasy story with elves and stuff. A fifteen-colored rainbow. Pretty creative.

I finished losing touching searching. It’s a really good book. You can buy it as hardcover for twenty bucks, or download it for free at http://www.lulu.com/anthonybarnhart.

I’ve pretty much moved to xanga right now. My xanga address is http://www.xanga.com/ajbarnhart.

losing touching searching

Here is the proposed cover art for my latest work, losing touching searching. I have been working on this book for several months now. The book serves as a fictional autobiography; this is quite the oxymoron, I know, but this book takes certain events in my life and spins them in a different life. The story revolves around one boy’s abandonment of God because of heartbreak, and then his subsequent return to God and a fresh perspective on God’s nature. It sounds extremely simple, I know, but I’ve worked hard and diligently to make this story unique. Nearly eighty percent of the material comes straight out of my own journals, though three chapters are entirely fictional (Chapter Six, Chapter Eight, and Chapter Nine). I have two more chapters to go, and then my work will be published. I’m really excited about this one. It will be my first hardcover, and it strays from my usual kind of writing (drama/horror/action). Most of the book is conversation and journal entries taken from the darker days of my past.

Once this book is published, I have two options. Either turn my attention upon No Perfect Endings or upon a horror story which I have been taking notes for. I’m not sure which route I’ll pursue, though at this time, I am itching to get back into my classic style of writing. Hopefully losing touching searching will be completed by the end of August; I think it will do even better than Flowers Quickly Fading, which has sold tremendously (almost up-to-par with 36 Hours!).