02/04/08 - 02/10/08

Monday. I went to Mt. Echo today to spend some time in prayer. I've been really depressed lately, and it's just getting worse. All I want to do is curl into a ball and sleep. This misery has been going on for years. I can't live like this. I keep hoping and praying that things will get better, but they only get worse. How can I live like this? I went to the Hilltop and talked to Nate and Karen, told them what's been going on. Nate was glad to do know how I was doing and Karen said she'd keep me in her prayers. I spent the evening at Mom & Dad's, and Monica called so I went into the garage where it was warm from the cold and not around Mom & Dad so I could talk to her about how I've been doing. I don't like to tell Mom & Dad cause they get sick from worry and it serves no purpose.

Tuesday. My psychiatrist appointment went well. I told my doctor, "When I'm on my medicine, I'm not depressed, but I'm numb. I have no passion, no happiness, no energy. I can't put efforts into my relationships." She's upping my anti-depressant medication. I spent the afternoon at Mom & Dad's watching "Family Guy" and writing. It stormed really hard and all the lights went out by the interstate. I made it back to Cincinnati in time for Biology. Monica's eyes were all swollen, and she was in a bad mood. I was exhausted, so I went to bed, but only after talking to Sarah and Brandy for a while.

Wednesday. I dreamt Courtney & Kyle were going away for Spring Break and that she was rubbing her romance in my face. I woke up sad. It's been nearly seven months since I held her in my arms, and I'm still aching. I pray God will bring a good girl into my life. Amanda told me, "I cried last night because of you. But it was a good cry." I asked why, and she said, "My friend Brea walked up to me and said that she felt the Spirit telling me that God is going to take care of you, that everything is going to be okay, that He wants you to know that He's right beside you." Chills ran up my spine: Brea didn't even know Ams had a brother. I spent the morning drinking coffee at the Hilltop and working on "The Procyon Strain." Larry says it sounds like a fantastic book with a great plot. Ashlie called me today. That was good, we're probably hanging out this weekend. I worked 7:30-8:30 for Mandy Thomas, then worked on a paper due tomorrow. I chatted with Brandy and Lindsey before bed.

Thursday. I had lunch in the Hilltop after class, then crawled down to my room to work on my paper for Angels & Demons. I took Monica to Wal-Mart for some supplies for a class she's teaching tomorrow and then spent the evening working on "The Procyon Strain." Tomorrow I'm picking up Ams from school as a surprise; she thinks Mom's coming to get her.

Friday. Courtney says she's in love with Kyle. Bah. What makes him better than me? He's cuter. In a band. Popular. Oh, wait, he's got everything going for him. It's been seven months, Anthony: get over it. I am, albeit slowly. I surprised Ams by picking her up from her campus at Anderson. Ams drove the way back so I slept. We got home and I took another nap. Sarah came up here, to my place, for a grand meal at Olive Garden, coffee at Starbucks, and lots of laughter with Mom, Dad, and Amanda. She likes my family, and my family likes her. She'd be the perfect girlfriend.

Saturday. Brandy invited me over to her place tonight, but I already had plans. Missy, her roommate, "likes" me, and I think she may be trying to hook us up. It was a beautiful day: not too cold, blue skies, low clouds, high sun. I spent the afternoon writing while Mom & Amanda went shopping. Mom fixed a delicious dinner, and then Ams & I went to Ashlie's apartment for a grand ol' time. The Prizm was towed: apparently we'd parked in Residential Restricted Parking, despite there being NO signs indicating such. So Mom & Dad came out around 2 AM to bail us out. It was $95 out of Ams' pocket, since she parked it. The tow-man quipped, "Thanks for your business!" Haha.

Sunday. We had a "Family Meeting" today about my language. I use swear words from time-to-time (e.g. shit, ass, damn) and Mom got upset. I politely told her, "I'm 20 years old, 21 in less than a month, and I can choose how I wish to speak. I only speak that way in certain situations, and never when it's inappropriate." She was satisfied. Ams says, "I wish Sarah liked you." Me, too. I wish Brandy liked me. That'd be fantastic. I didn't go to church this morning, and Dad fixed us grilled cheese and vegetable soup for lunch. I returned to campus, and Sarah & I went to Barnes & Noble for coffee and good conversation. She read part of "The Procyon Strain", really liked it. Brandy & I had a long-winded conversation over AIM: I told her about Courtney, my bipolar issues, and traumatic experiences as a child. Oh: I got a ticket for listening to headphones on the highway.

surprise (and delight!)

I went to Amanda’s campus—Anderson University—yesterday afternoon and surprised her. She thought Mom was picking her up. I went to Decker Hall to try and find her, and her roommate spotted me. She told Amanda, “I swear I saw someone who looked exactly like your brother.” I was talking with Danielle, a friend from my elementary-school days who also goes to Anderson, when Amanda called and asked, “Are you on campus?” I lied through my teeth. She said, “Oh. Okay. ‘Cause Kristyn says she saw someone who looks exactly like you. Wild blond hair. Kinda chubby. Dirty jeans. And an ugly leather jacket.” Thanks, Kristyn. When Amanda came down to the Haven to grab some food, I surprised her. She drove back home, so I slept. 

Sarah came up last night. I really didn’t expect her to; Mom said she wanted to meet her, so I sent Sarah a text saying, “Come up and we can get food and you can meet my family!” And, surprisingly, she did! Good times were shared. A delicious meal at Olive Garden, coffee from Starbucks, perusing the Centerville night life (fun times, let me tell ya), then lots of laughter and excitement back home with my little sister. She didn’t leave till 1:00, which sucked for her, cause she had to wake up early today to go to work. At least she only lives half an hour away.

My plans for today are as follows: work on The Procyon Strain; see “There Will Be Blood” with Dad; and enjoy a delicious home-cooked chicken-and-rice meal with Ashlie and Amanda at Ashlie’s apartment near Wright State. Tomorrow I have church, followed by a possible hang-out with Dewenter, and then I head back to campus to *hopefully* hang out with Brandy at Barnes & Nobles. We’ll see how that goes.

here it goes...

I had a meltdown several days ago. I went to the doctor’s, and they changed my medicine. I’ve been feeling much better. Apparently we needed to increase the anti-depressant medicine, so we simply doubled that. Things have been going well ever since. I have a lot of homework due in the next couple weeks. Research papers, book reports, etc. It seems that I don’t have the time to do all this—but yet I still find time to slack off. Some exciting things are developing, primarily: An internship this summer!

a zombie dream

Monica and I were at the supermarket when the television started reporting news of a zombie outbreak at the edge of town. The reporter told everyone to stay where they were or get to someplace safe: DO NOT go outside! Monica and I clung to the large bay windows looking out over the parking lot. We could see people running between the cars, screaming, being chased by fast-moving zombies. A moment later there was a crash at the other end of the store, and we turned to see zombies running right at us from between the aisles of cereal and milk bars. I grabbed Monica’s hand and we raced out the door, into the parking lot. Zombies came from between the cars, throwing themselves after us as we ran to Monica’s car. She got into the driver’s seat and I entered the passenger’s. She turned on the car and left the parking lot, hitting a zombie. I craned my neck to see that we were being chased. I turned my head around just in time to see a semi crossing the road. It slammed into the car. In the next scene, I awoke in the car, still strapped in, blood covering my face. It was pure daylight. I got out of the car and stumbled around. Monica’s door was open, and she was gone. I walked down the street. All of the buildings along either side of the road were quiet and still. Car wrecks littered the street. I heard some commotion, people shouting, and I went down an alley into a backyard. In a house surrounded by trees were several people. They beckoned me over and let me join them. And guess what? Monica was there! She explained that I had been unconscious after the car wreck, and she thought I was dead. She was very happy to see me: tears streamed down her cheeks. As to why there were no zombies, they explained that the zombies stayed indoors during the day, in the darkness, because the sunlight hurt them. So wouldn’t that make them vampires? I don’t know. I’m just telling you how the dream went. The rest of the day was spent boarding up the house and collecting food—oddly, the only food collected were gourds and pumpkins—and when I went to bed that night, I could hear the zombies outside. I was happy, though, because finally life was exciting, and I had found a purpose: to survive, and to help others survive.

a message to courtney

Amos and I sat in the coffee shop for lunch talking about things. Some of the things he said really made me think. It took me the longest time to get to the point where I didn’t want to “be” with Courtney romantically. Holy cow, a long freaking time. Months. We only dated for two months, sure, but I have never felt so close to anyone, so alive with anyone, I have never felt life mean so much. When we ended without any hope of a future, I went through a dark period. I struggled with hope, with dreams. I battled demons of guilt and shame. I fought to keep my head above the water as the depression threatened to pull me under. But I endured. That is something I’m really good at. Endurance. Anyways, I endured despite the countless tears, the nights where I would only dream of her and wake up not wanting to live. I endured soaking my pillows with tears and filling my journals with ramblings about how amazing she was and how I could never find anyone like her, how my own stupidity had taken her from my life, and how I was the only one to blame for the breakup. Logic completely abandoned me. But over time, I began to get things together. My face brightened. I started laughing again. Life continued. No, it’s not easy. I see her and Kyle together, and it hurts. Not a piercing, numbing hurt, but a gentle throb in the back of my throat, a strange hurt that cannot be described by words. I am moving on. No, I’m not dating anyone (this school year I’ve already been led on and kicked to the ground twice by different girls). But I am dealing with things. And getting better at dealing with them. Will she ever know how deeply I cared for her, how great my affections for her truly were? I doubt it (unless she reads this). We don’t talk. It’s better that we not talk, at least better now. The last thing I want is to find my feelings for her breaking through like water crashing through a ruptured dam; I don’t want to endure that hell again. I will if I have to, but it’s not what I desire. Anyways, the point of this whole xanga entry returns to what Amos was saying. He said, in reference to an ex-girlfriend, that his romantic feelings for her will fade, but there will always be a part of him that loves her. He said that, and I thought immediately of Courtney. Do I want to hold her, kiss her, tell her everything will be okay, give the world to her? Not like I used to. I don’t even know her anymore. But I still care for her. Care for her deeply. I care that she’s happy. I hope and pray that she’s happy, and that she’s doing what she wants to do with life, and that it’s making her happy. My romantic feelings for Courtney are fading, but the care I had for her is strong as ever. We don’t talk. We don’t even exchange glances most of the time, even though we see one another every day. Despite all of this, I care for her bunches. I have never cared so deeply for any of my ex-girlfriends. It is something weird, to be sure, but yet something undeniable.

So, Courtney, if you’re reading this (and I have no idea if you even look at my xanga anymore and no reason to think you will come across this): “Just know that I may seem cold sometime, and even though I ignore you most of the time—because I do not want to return to the great pain I experienced after our breakup—I don’t hate you. I think you’re an amazing girl, and any guy who ends up with you is truly blessed by God. I want you to know that I care for you more than I’ve ever cared for any other human being, and that I want you to be happy no matter what that entails.” That’s all.

monica's CD

Monica and I have been working together a lot at the Hilltop. It is a long-running joke that I am head-over-heels for her. Here’s a little background: spring semester my freshman year, Monica and I hung out a lot. She seemed to be flirting with me. After coming back from a soccer game, I asked if she would like to go on a date with me. She said yes. She then got online and said, “No.” I didn’t talk to her for the longest time, I was so upset. But now she is one of my best friends, and we always joke about me finding her ir resistible. Part of this little game was the creation of a romantic CD. I burned it on my laptop and then we played it at the Hilltop tonight. Here are the songs: 

 1. Something There – Beauty & The Beast 

2. My Heart Will Go On – Celine Dion 

3. Truly, Madly, Deeply – Cascada Re:mix 

 4. Give Me On Reason – Tracy Chapman 

5. Everything I Do – Bryan Adams

 6. I’ll Make Love To You – Boyz II Men

 7. I Believe In A Thing Called Love – The Darkness 

8. Everything – Michael Buble 

9. All You Wanted – Michelle Branch 

10. Kiss Me – Sixpence None the Richer 

11. Where You Are – Rascal Flatts 

12. I Love The Way You Love Me – Michael Montgomery 

13. The Way You Love Me – Faith Hill 

14. Never Been Kissed – Sherrie Austin 

15. Tale As Old As Time – Beauty & The Beast

a memo

Attn Psycho Moms: PleaseStop Stalking Me

1.       My life is notmeant to be a playground for your speculations
2.       Your perspectiveof me is shallow, tainted, and unwarranted
3.       Stalkers arecreepy
4.       I am not part of herlife anymore, and I don’t want to be
5.       And, finally, youdon’t know anything about me.

Oh, and if you really want toget to know me, just ask.
Not everything you hear is true.
You never really know someoneuntil you get to know them as a person.