I find myself sitting in an abandoned prayer room at 9:00 at night, laptop stretched over me, a generator softly humming the background. All day today the Voice has beckoned me to prayer, yet something always seemed to get in the way, be it a distraction or a friend or a project, and I kept shoving the Voice deeper and deeper into the back of my plans. Then through a weird twist of events, I find myself sitting in a prayer room, all alone. I didn't even come in here for prayer! I guess God got tired of my laziness and just yanked me in.

So I prayed by writing. Maybe it is because so much of my life has been involved in writing, or maybe because writing is a gift God has given me, or maybe some other denizen of mystery is the culprit, but I am somehow able to formulate my words better on paper and the prayer even seems to become a bit more intimate. As a writer my heart naturally unfolds and perspires better on paper than through my words, and it is in my writing that I am able to articulate the groans and cries and exuberant praises of a soul on a journey with and for God.

I've been devoting lots of time to writing fiction. As of now, I am a chapter away from completing a 400-page Roman epic. I even have ideas for short stories jotted down and the first two chapters of my next fiction book written out. Yet I feel the Voice telling me that He has a greater calling for me than simply writing fiction. I believe He has endowed me with this gift for the sake of advancing His Kingdom, and I believe He calls me, in the future, to write spiritual books that bring His genuine and real message to those who've never heard it, or to those who've believed a false message. Having already completed one spiritual book, the forgotten gospel, I know how much a task it can be and is; the forgotten gospel took me eight months to write (and, let's be honest, I am sure there are some errors in it; I still have yet to get my Bible degree).

Yet God seems to be telling me NOT to wait, to write about what I KNOW, not spend all my time studying what I DON'T know to write a book LATER. I hear Him calling me write a short book on discipleship, founded completely in the gospels. Discipleship has been an interest of mine for a while and ever since writing a chapter on it in the forgotten gospel, I've always wanted to expand upon it. God seems to be calling me to do so; yet still unsure, I take it to Him in prayer.

Here I am again. I've been here before, many times. At first it was just my toes. The water felt cool and wonderful, and I yearned for more. Looking out at that wild blue tundra, my heart leapt and cried out. All I wanted to know was how to swim. Every part of me wanted to fall head-first into the water and take off. Yet my legs were numb and my heart befuddled. I knew that if I could swim, I could abandon the tip-of-the-toes theology and explore the vast reaches of the ocean, from its deepest depths to the way the sun sparkles on its horizon. But I couldn't do it without swimming. I didn't know how to swim, so I couldn't get anywhere. Everything appeared hopeless.

So I studied swimming. I threw out all pre-conceptions and chewed through several guides on swimming, and even poured my life into the book on swimming. The best swimmer of them all--the designer of swimming--even came to my aide. It was an exciting time; I learned that there was a right and a wrong way to swimming, and it surprised me that many thought they were swimming when they weren't--they ended up just doggy-paddling in place, going nowhere and drowning without knowing it, believing the whole time Wthey were on top of the game. The mystery of swimming began to unravel until it formed a mosaic masterpiece before me. It was then that I laughed out loud and shouted, "I got it!"

Yet I still needed to do it. I'd discovered the truth. But I hadn't actually gotten into the water and began swimming. The tips of my toes still dipped into the surf. Without hesitation I stepped forward, and the cool water rushed over my feet. I can tell you it felt so awesome! And I walked out a ways until the water lurched up to my ankles--and this is where I stand. I have moved forward, I know the swimming technique, the instructor is before me, urging me forward, but I am rooted in place, ankle-deep in the water.

Why have I stopped? I don't know. "Just dive in and swim!" I tell myself, but my muscles aren't so enthusiastic. I feel paralyzed. The great blue ocean calls me forward, calls me to an enchanted and wonderful existence, something so much better than the dry and parched desert from whence I came. It is odd; such a calling, and I find myself glancing back at the shore, at the hot desert with nothing to offer, and part of me wants to get out of the water and return to my dirty little hovel. Is it because I am afraid of the ocean, is it because I think I am being jipped, is it because I think I know what's best for me?

Part of me wants the desert when part of me wants the ocean. I can't have both. And I can't just stand here ankle-deep. This isn't the way it's supposed to be. I have to either get out of the water or submerge myself in it. If I keep glancing back at the shoreline, if I keep letting hesitation rule my ways, if I continue to second-guess everything I know, if I continue to take everything with a grain of salt... How will I ever experience what it is like to ride with dolphins, to explore coral reefs, to see amazing and beautiful creatures in the ocean's blackness? I will be stuck here ankle-deep, catching dead seaweed around my legs, and what kind of existence is that?

Some of you could be wondering, "What is college like for Anthony Jordan Barnhart?" To appease your inquisitive minds, let me tell you, as simply as I can. I invite you to take a walk with me through one day of my life here on campus.

Generally, I fall asleep somewhere between 11:00 PM and 2:00 AM, as is typical of the college life. I awake at seven o'clock or seven-thirty, depending on what classes I have that day, and I quickly shower. I like to brush my teeth in the shower, since the water is really warm. My roommate John wakes up ten minutes before his class starts. I don't think I could do that. I don't eat breakfast, but usually grab brunch between classes at the Hilltop Cafe--they have wonderful wraps and sandwiches. I like to finish all my studying before evening, because that's when we hang out and play video-games, sit on the hill and stare at the city, or go to Kroger or Wal-Mart, hitting up the popular joints. Throughout my day I visit the internet and work on my writing. I am currently working on The Sons of Mars, which I've been writing for eight months now.

I have met lots of fun and cool people here in Cincy. The people on my dorm are hilarious. I already knew John coming in, but I got to know others such as Forrest, Caleb, Nick, Brian, and familiars such as Cassie and Heather. I have also been enjoying the company of Jessica and Kim. Everyday I continue to meet more people--today I met two girls and I forget their names, but they were really nice to talk to.

Early Week was about the most boring week of my life, but now that it is past, things are getting exciting. I'm meeting lots of cool people, watching lots of cool movies, playing cool video games my roommate brought, going to Wal-Mart and Kroger and Applebee's (but being frugal with my money). Yesterday I had two papers to write and two worksheets to complete. Not too tough. My next class is in about an hour so I'm just eating lunch: a chipotle chicken wrap from the Hilltop Cafe.

During our first chapel, one of the worship songs really swept through me. It is called, I believe, "The King is Coming to Reign," and I have no idea who sings it. Usually my taste for this song is quite low, but God really whispered to me through the words. The lyrics that stuck out to me were these:

Life and salvation His empire shall bring
And joy to the nations when Jesus is King

For His returning we watch and we pray
We will be ready the dawn of that day
We'll join in singing with all the redeemed
'Cause Satan is vanquished and Jesus is King

It's easy to forget that this present world is not our home. The busy highways, the high-rise skyscrapers, the great museums of art and the hubbub of our day-to-day lives, this is not our home. Yet a lot of times we act as if it is. We live for the moment, live for the day, give no thought to tomorrow. Our eternity is rooted here on this earth, but not earth in its present form. Look out the window; what you see will, at the assigned time, be burnt up. Buildings, people, forests, everything will be destroyed by fire, just as the Flood destroyed everything it touched. When the earth is burnt up, the King who created it in the first place will create it again: a beautiful earth in a beautiful universe, restored to its original beauty and wonder! The King will walk with us, the King will give us jobs and homes and we will experience real life in Him. Our lives will be worship, our lives praises to the King, for Satan is no longer, and Jesus is King.

My lectio divina this morning found root in Psalm 34, and as usual, God's voice rang loud and clear. Many of the verses stuck out to me and formed a collage with a message: sometimes we can fall into the trap of seeing God as a cruel taskworker, as someone who simply demands obedience because He can, or we see God as a stoic God who is unfeeling and emotionless, whose love towards us is entirely political and because-He-has-to. But God told me in Psalm 34, "No, that's not the way it is at al!! I do require obedience, but the emotions you experience are the same I experience, and My love for you is not political, it is real and honest and true!"

God met me more than halfway, he freed me from my anxious fears. - v. 4

Look at him, give him your warmest smile, never hide your feelings from him. - v. 5

When I was desperate, I called out, and God got me out of a tight spot. - v. 6

God keeps an eye on his friends, his ears pick up every moan and groan. - v. 15

Is anyone crying for help? God is listening, ready to rescue you. - v. 17

If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there; if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath. - v. 18

Disciples so often get into trouble; still, God is there every time. - v. 19

He's your bodyguard, shielding every bone; not even a finger gets broken. - v. 20

And perhaps my favorite:

God pays for each slave's freedom; no one who runs to him loses out. - v. 22

After running to I.G.A. for some cereal and--God forgive the glutton--Krispie-Kremes, I sat down with my Lucky Charms and opened the front page to see a snippet from an article in the Life section. On page 3 in Life it reads at the top of the page: "GOD gets in the game." What is this, you ask?

Christian companies are marketing Christian video games to the masses. The very first one coming out is called called Catechuman, where your mentor and brethren has been captured by demon-possessed Roman soldiers, and you have to work through the catacombs to free them. No joke; the description even included the demon-possessed part. I laughed for hours inside. A game by Godly Games, called Victory at Hebron, revolves around the defeat of Jericho and the Amorites, and Joshua and Caleb's journey to Hebron. Somehow the developers are able to keep out the violence of ancient war, and I wonder, then, "What's the point of the game?"

Marketers for the game say they want to use the game to draw in people of all ages and thereby expose them to Christianity and theology. Tim Emmerich, president of Graceworks Inc., says, "We see developing Christian games as a unique opportunity to expose game players, especially younger ones, to important aspects of Christianity in an interactive environment."

Another, very popular game soon to come out uses the same graphics used in the popular games such as Halo and Grand Theft Auto; this game is called Left Behind: Eternal Forces, based on the popular fiction--fiction, please understand--of Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins. Troy Lyndon, in charge of the Left Behind game, says this: "The purpose of Left Behind Games will be to entertain, reveal mysteries and evangelize. Ultimately, gamers will decide what they prefer." In my mind, Halo may have more eternal truths woven into it than Left Behind. But that's just me.

So now not only are we adding another section to the growing Christian subculture (Christian fiction, Christian movies, Christian music, Christian t-shirts, Christian TV, and now Christian video-games) but we're doing it all in the name of spreading bad theology? Sorry all you Left-Behind folk, let me put it bluntly: Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins are wrong.

During Crank's Creek, Jimmy, Jeff and I were sitting in the eating area as the sun was going down beyond the mountains, and Jeff asked me, "Are you going to go become a monk on us?" I smiled and said, "I've actually thought about it several times." Sometimes I still do. I've written thoughts in journals, I've had conversations with friends, I've poured through books written by ancient and modern-day monks, monks from Germany to San Diego. Something inside me, perhaps something unnameable, makes my heart beat faster at the thought of becoming a monk. For me, everything (well, almost everything, the celibacy thing isn't that great) seems wonderful in the apple of my eye: a simple life, living by the fruit of your own hands, spending time developing friendships with other people and developing intimacy with God. A life all but void of stress and anxiety and worry, where you can begin to really feel the joy and fullment and satisfaction of Christ. Isn't it wonderful?

But I believe God has different plans for me, different desires for my life and future. He calls me to integrate these spiritual desires into my studies and eventual career as a servant of His. As I experience college, as I move throughout my life, I must figure out how to 'be a monk' in spirit and really develop my intimacy with God. How can a simple life focused on God and others, in that order, become paramount in my scholarly studies and in my career for which I prepare? How can I regularly come into the presence of the King in order to be transformed and drawn closer to Him as I study for tests, explore the anatomy of the human psyche, and drink coffee in the cafeteria? How can I be seen by others as having the spirit of a monk: a quiet and holy man whose primary love is God, following God others, and lastly himself? This is the life Christ calls us to: complete abandonment to Him, surrendering everything and following Him, trusting Him, walking His narrow Way.