on demons and devils

Philip Yancey said, "As a Christian I believe that we live in parallel worlds. One world consists of hills and lakes and barns and politicians and shepherds watching their flocks by night... The other consists of angels and sinister forces," the whole spiritual realm. In Revelation 12, we are shown an 'alternate' view of the Christmas story--not the realm of barns and politicians, but the realm of spiritual forces. Of a great battle and a great defeat, and a great leader being born. Quite a contrast. But both, in the end, true. The shepherds and their flocks saw only one aspect of the 'first Christmas', but it didn't mean the other one was any less true. In the same way, demons and angels and Satan are still working all around us, in this parallel but oh-so-real world, and we've just turned our eyes.

We are told that temptation is in our minds. True. We are told that temptation is evil trying to get a foothold. True. And we are told that it is only ourselves. Wrong. Sometimes it may not just be us involved in the tempting, but something--or someone--else. Let's say you're hungry and you want a candy-bar. You see it on the shelf in a grocery store. You think, "Man, that would taste good. Wish I had the money." And just as you finish that thought, a little voice inside you says, No one is watching. Who will catch you? Go ahead and steal it. Who would know? Go ahead. Why not? Afraid God will see you? He'll forgive you. Just do it. He won't care. Besides, everyone else does it. You're better--you'll do it only once. It's just a candy bar. No big deal! We've all had such 'conversations' with ourselves--but I challenge you to think, "Was I the only one talking there?"

Has it ever crossed your mind that not every thought that crosses your mind comes from you? Have you ever said to yourself, "Wait a minute, who else is speaking here? Where are these ideas coming from? Where are those feelings coming from?" Have you ever had 'bad', disturbing dreams, nightmarish and sensual, that cause you to wake up and feel disgusted and dirty and spiritually nasty? Ever have strange, foreign feelings become yours: walk into a dark house, feel fearful; walk past tabloids in a grocery store and the feeling of corruption invades?

There is a great enemy who tries to pull us away from God, trap us into sin, hurt our relationship with Jesus. He is a deceiver, and he fills us with deceitful thoughts and ideas to try to get us to do what is wrong, to snap our faith in God, to get us to feel smug with dirty brands of Christianity. Most people don't believe in this great Enemy--the devil. And if they do, most either ignore him, or don't care; some even worship him. They are the ones most deceived. To quote The usual Suspects, "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist." He's doing a great job at it nowadays. His power is ruthless--ruthless and strong to the point of being half-invisible, only seen through the eyes of those hungry to see it. He's that good.

Do we think of the devil when terrorism strikes,
when we are distracted during prayer, too tired to read the Scriptures,
a fall-out or division in ministries
when pastors' kids go off the deep end
when we feel fear, nervousness when witnessing,
when churches are dying,
or life is fallin apart
and faith feels paper thin?
Do we think of him when there is corruption in the church,
corruption in youth groups,
and corruption in the daily life of Christians?

This Enemy, this Deceiver and his minions--demons--love to make us feel hurt, misunderstood, suspicious, resentful of one another; they like to stir up hate and prejudice in our hearts. The Enemy likes to lure us in with many different temptations--be it greed or gluttony or lust or pride--and when we grab, he sinks the hook deeper and drags us under.

Often when you are not an enemy to the devil, you feel like things are just fine and you're a good person; but when you cross his paths, you often feel dirty, cheap, feel like you have a bad heart.

We must resist the devil. We must fight against him, refuse to give in. See his hand in ordinary life, question him. No surprise, when we fight back, things get worse. He steps up the assaults. Thoughts, feelings everywhere, life falling apart, faith paper thing--all signs that HE IS LOSING. He realizes he's been spotted, his cover has been blown; he is panicking and trying his hardest to ruin you. He's losing. He's worried. And he's scared. Now. This battle will last a lifetime, and only be fully won and over when we step into the Kingdom of Heaven. Never give up. Never stop fighting.

He's out there. Even now.

If you're reading this, and you're thinking, "What a nutcase. What a wacko. He doesn't know what he's talking about," I have news for you. The Enemy is here. He's real. And he's trying to convince us he doesn't exist. We all need to wake up and see.

the 21st week

Monday. Mom came into my room around 12:30 looking for Time Changers. A huge storm rolled through around 1:30 this morning and knocked out all the power in Waynesville. I sat up in bed and watched The Weather Channel through it all, so exciting! I worked 4-8:00 after school, saw Brian N., the YMCA janitor, Mrs. Garrett, and Don's mom Marie. Ashlie came over for a bit after school and then I drove her home. I've been reading the Left Behind Series. It's interesting but poorly-written.

Tuesday. Mrs. Starkey went crazy on me and Dylan in math class. Chris came over after school, and we went to North Park before D-Group with all the guys. It was me, Lee, Chris (is an official high schooler next week), Jimmy & Corey. Dewenter wasn't there, was hanging out with Courtney and Carly. Two days ago I posted a blog on Kristen. Corey read it, said it was "so passionate." I took Corey to his friend Jason's place, where he's been staying since he got kicked out from his step-dad's. 

Wednesday. The cicadas are shrieking in the trees! Amanda found four spiders in the downstairs bathroom and freaked out. I did my morning workout routine: 100 toe-touches, leg/chest lifts, 100/200 twists, 200 set-ups and 20 push-ups. Usually do cardio mid-day, and at night perhaps 200-300 jumping jacks and some more push-ups. School was super easy, and Chris and I watched Apollo 13 at his house. Jeff came by, excited about our student-led small group this Thursday night (we kinda came up with it and initiated it outside the official 412 circles). He supports it and wants to make it 412 official so it can be broadcast in the bulletin and advertise it. Affiliated with 412, we may be able to use The Garage when it opens! We're naming it U-Turn, and Dewenter's making a logo for it. 

Thursday. A nice thunderstorm came through last night: drenching rains, dancing thunder, crackling thunder. We had our first U-Turn group today, and lots of people showed up. Chris, Lee, Pat D., Ash, Ams, Courtney & Carly, Kristin D., Al G., Bryon & Erica (they're dating now). The message was on Satan and demons and the influence they play on us. People got stuff from it, but there were mixed reviews. Chris & Pat D. hated it. Others really enjoyed it. I think I lectured too much, didn't allow enough room for group participation, and I need to talk slower. We did it in the family room. I'm glad people took stuff from it.

Friday. Dewenter wants to partner up with me for U-Turn. Lee bailed ship. We brainstormed, and next week's Thursday should go pretty well, even better than the last two (the second one yesterday, the first being the dry-run at North Park). We're examining different structures and content, trying to figure out what'll be best. Today was the last full day at school (just exams from here on out). I am officially a Senior now. Another title, albeit a happy one. I can hardly wait for summer: sleeping in, incense, dinos late into the night. Resting weary bones in sparkling rains. Hanging out with friends. Chris came over and Dylan stopped by. Lee a hitched a ride with his friend to renew his temps. Chris & Dylan played a joke on me, got me good. Lee came back, and we picked up Corey and got Wendy's for dinner. We sped to the movie theater to see The Day After Tomorrow, a decent movie. I drove Lee, Corey & Chris to Chris & Lee's 'round 11:00. Corey then decided that I should take him home. Someone hid dog poop in the Jeep [it'd turn out to be Chris] and it stinks.

Saturday. I worked 9-4:00. Ricky worked 10-4:00. Dewenter & Courtney, Tyler, and Mr. Yosick all came through I.G.A. I picked up Ashlie after school and we rearranged my bedroom. She wanted to go to the Dayton Mall but it was too late. We picked up Lee from biking with his dad and drove out to Erica's, then to Bryon's, had a bonfire using gasoline at Bryon's countryside home. His neighbor Kent came out to help us out. He's cool, goes to Grace Baptist, calls me "the dinosaur guy." We had pizza and pop to celebrate the coming advent of summer. We left late, and I dropped Lee off at his place and then headed home with Ashlie & Ams and went to bed.

Sunday. At church Dad lectured Chris on "the Jeep rules". Chris freaked out. I took Ash, Chris, and Ams to McDonald's for lunch, then ate beans and chicken back home for my lunch. We went over to Chris & Lee's and watched Matrix: Revolution, and then Chris & I went to Wal-Mart, where we argued for over an hour about what to buy. He bought some new-car scent for his room and I got a small DiGiorno pizza. We watched Ferris Buehler's Day Off with sunflower seeds and pizza. Chris "lost" his book-bag; what really happened is I threw it out the window and it got ran over by another car. He deserved it and he knows it. I took Ashlie home and then Dylan and I hung out and went back to the Williams' for a night filled with flames, axe deodorant and hair-spray on the back deck. Another big storm rattled through, slept through most of it, dozing in and out of The Usual Suspects. Dewenter decided he doesn't want to help with U-Turn. At least Jeff's got it in the bulletin now!

u-turn: debriefing

Tonight was the first "official" u-turn small group. There were some glitches and some things that need to be rearranged and orchestrated, but nothing fits beautifully the first time. It takes work. The message was really cool, and if I get time tomorrow I may throw it up here. There were some complaints about structure and all that, and I whole-heartedly agree with them. Leading a small group is hard work, and my friend Lee stepped down--but God intervened the next moment and my friend Pat stepped up and volunteered to help out. God willing, he will be able to lead us through some awesome stuff next week. He has some amazing ideas, and I am blessed so much to be his friend. He has no idea how much he means to me, and how much he means to God (but then, do any of us really have any idea how much we mean to God?). God is moving among the students of 412, and 412 is blessed with so many passionate followers of God. Simply amazing.

Oh. And it is such a wonderful storm out there right now. God put such magnificence and beauty into them, you are either struck in awe or fear by them. Wonderful.

a doxology

God is moving. Big time. He has laid on my heart dreams, dreams that I haven't imagined fulfilling. Amongst those dreams was a command. I took the command, I wrestled, I fought, I overcame, and I stood atop the mountain. Every day God is showing me how powerful and awesome he really is, and I wake up in the morning excited and brimming with joy to see how he is working through not just my life, but in the lives of those around me. God is so wild, so dangerous, so risky, so passionate, one can't help but to fall down and tremble in awe.

weight-loss troubles

Any Ideas?

I am going insane. For nine weeks I have been on a 'diet' of eating right and exercising every day. Morning is usually a piece of toast with I-can't-believe-it's-butter or fat-free jelly; afternoon often is a fat-free balogna sandwich with some low-fat side thrown in; and dinner can be described as grilled fish and grilled chicken with mushrooms and mashed potatoes and hot dinner rolls (my mom is an excellent cook). I do 200 sit-ups in the morning, afternoon and evening. I also do twists in the morning, and oftentimes leg-lifts at night. I have lost forty pounds and everyone is amazed at what I have lost.

So why am I going insane?

Because it looks as if the weight is catching up to me again. I don't know why. I haven't done anything wrong. I work out harder and the weight just seems to be returning! Maybe it is my imagination and nothing more. I don't know. But I look in the mirror and feel as if the 'gut' is on the rampage once again. My goal was to get the weight off by 12 Weeks, but I don't know. Then I decided on 100 Days. And then, finally, July 1st. I hope I can meet at least ONE of these. I would like to get the weight off before most of summer, and especially before Senior Year.

If anyone has any suggestions, explanations, whatever, I'd kill for them. Thanx.

the 20th week

zombies. i've been really growing fond of them.

Monday. We had our Gold Coin Reception during school, basically a bunch of us getting free food and drinks 'cause we're good students or something like that. Ashlie came over after school, and I saw a bookshelf on the side of the road, so we parked on the curb and got out and tried wedging it into the Jeep, but it splintered on us. Then a bus pulled up and unloaded some kids with us trying to yank out half the broken bookcase from the backseat. I worked 3-7:00, and when I got home Mom ordered us all pizza. I still can't get Kristen out of my mind. Sometimes I wish I never met her. The weather's been beautiful, oh so beauty. Nice and warm with constant peals of echoing thunder. 

Tuesday. Chris & Lee came over after school. Lee said he'll read 12 Hours. Chris wanted me to write a paper for him. I said, "No." I might help Hank with his paper, though. We all went to the Small Group at the Southard's and Chris worked on his paper in their basement. Chris, Lee, Zach and I played basketball before the lesson, and Lee hit me in the balls with the basketball, it killed. Dewenter got mad at me about something but cooled down. Kristen's amazed at my dieting, yelled at me to lift my shirt. "Umm, no. Maybe in another month." Everyone thinks Ashlie flirts with me and they were talking about it. I said to Lee, "Awkward." She isn't flirting with me. She's like a sister to me. But some people can't see that. I mean, she's with Hank and, despite their rough patches, she's genuinely happy. It started to storm really bad towards the end of the evening, and Kristen got a little scared. We left their place in a hard rain, and I took Dewenter home. He ran barefoot across his front yard to the front door, not wanting to get his nice shoes soaked in water. The storm clouds were phenomenal. Lee loved it, of course. He loves weather. I took he and Chris home. The cicadas will be here soon: they're emerging in West Carrolton at the moment. 

Wednesday. Hank is lucky. Ashlie is lucky. Last night he told her, "Sunday's message made me realize how much I really love you." Ashlie broke into tears and said, "I love you, too!" Hank said, "You know one thing I've always wanted to do? Hold a girl in a thunderstorm." It stormed all night, so last night he held her in the rain, and she was crying, and they kissed under the thunder and lightning, their first kiss. I'm so happy for her! Ashlie came over. Dylan and I were supposed to hang out, but he bailed on me again. We were supposed to see Shrek 2 or Troy. Amanda, Ashlie and I curled up in the basement and watched the VMAs from 2002. Chris came over and Mom went to the grocery, and Chris, Ashlie, Amanda and I went to 1/2 Price Books and Borders. I got two New Testaments to take with me to school. We watched Time Changer back at the house, a ridiculously awful and cheap Christian film. I told Ashlie and Amanda about my growing feelings for Kristen. None of them had answers. Amanda said, "Maybe she'll change her mind and like you." Ashlie said, "Yeah, she's becoming much more mature." I know I can't expect anything. Chris & Ally are still dating but going through hard times. Chris is super depressed about it. ashlie told me she and Kristen went to a party with people from school, and there was lots of crude, rap-style dancing with the shedding of clothes. Jake Cocholas (I accidentally pronounced it "Cockless" the first time I met him) was there, and he told everyone they needed to set good examples. All the current G.R.I.P. members seem pretty shady. Angie H. stopped going to G.R.I.P. because of its corruption. I can't stop thinking about Kristen!

Why can't I forget her?

How come I ever had to meet her?

Why don't my 'feelings' for her leave?

How come my prayers for her go unanswered?

Why must my heart suffer in longing every time I see her?

How long must I go through this grim torture?

Why is her face, laugh, her words so beautiful?

How come I feel this way about her when I can't have her?

Why must my mind play games with me?

Why do I fantasize over unreachable fantasies?

[this "poem" would show up in 36 Hours and become popular]

Thursday. A month ago I asked Kristen to the movies, and she said No. Only seven more days of school left. Ashlie, Chris and Dewenter came over. We watched SIGNS; I always shiver at the end of that movie! Bryon and Lee came over. Mom had her Small Group. Lee and I went through a dry run of our summer-hopeful with Chris, Pat D., Bryon, Ash & Ams at North Park. [This is the first reference in my journals to Amanda as Ams; the nickname must've been coined around this time] It was great. The lesson was on Faith Like a Child. I felt so full, so alive, like never before! My voice shook with power and energy. I can sense good things for this. A downside: Chris was being really mean to Ashlie, as he has a tendency to be, and she doesn't have the thickest shell, and she ran away crying. Everyone was shocked. Ams ran after her. I glared at Chris and snarled, "Sometimes you just need to shut up." He was taken aback.

Friday. A Vietnam veteran spoke to us about his experiences in Hagan's class. I sat with Laura B. in the library during study hall. I bought a cool watch. Chris, Lee, Ashlie and Hank came over. We saw Troy at the movie theater--it was awesome! We're seeing Van Helsing on Sunday. Debbie brought us some cicadas from her preschool. Chris, Lee and I messed around outside, abusing each other. Lee got scratched really bad on the face. Chris has a few nasty welts. My wrist is swollen like a balloon. I really hope it isn't broken.

Saturday. I was scheduled 9-4:00 but was off work by 2:00. Amanda and I went to Young's Dairy to meet up with Dad's side of the festival. It was packed, so many people there for some "Freedom Festival" thing being held there. We celebrated Mother's and Father's Day with our New Carlisle/Columbus relatives. My dinner there was grilled chicken and fries, and then we petted the animals there, played miniature golf, and got ice cream. On our way home we swung by the Cedarville University campus. I'm also considering KCC (Kentucky Christian College) or CBC (Cincinnati Bible College). 

Sunday. Church was good. I helped Mom teach class: the lesson was all about looking at the good in people and not the bad. Debbie brought in her cicadas to show the kids in JAM. I let them crawl on my face and kissed one with Lee. Ams, Ash, Zach, Chris, Lee, Dewenter, Cory, Ron and I all saw the movie Van Helsing after church. It was a B-movie. Too many graphics. Ash, Ams and Corey came over. The others all bailed on us. Corey and I went to North Park; it was super hot and humid. Cicadas were swarming the trees. Centerville, I hear, is downright infested. Corey, Ash, Ams and I drove back to church. A big potluck was going on. I chilled with Bryon, Megan and Trisha. Jeff called us together, we prayed, and then we dove into the food. We played some games. I kept to Chris & Dewenter. Dewenter had on his new Colorado t-shirt he got from Salvation Army he got two weeks ago. It's his new favorite shirt. Chris and I were having a laugh-attack at something Lee had done (I can't even remember what it was), and Kristen asked, "What's wrong?" I told her, "It's Lee! He's so funny!" Then she grabbed my arm and leaned close, it was so heavenly. Later she drenched my hair in whipped cream. It's all hardened up. Megan told me, "You're looking thin!" Zach asked, "What've you been eating?' Trisha said, "What kind of diet are you on?" I dropped Dewenter off at his place and drove back to the YMCA. Mom, Aisa, Jeff & Mindy were still there. I drove home and talked with God when alone in the Jeep. I really can't help it: I still want to be with Kristen, and it's seriously been like a 4-year ordeal!

why can't i forget her?

Why can't I forget her?

Sometimes I have to wonder. I sit in silent amazement, and close my eyes, and just feel it--it never leaves. When I close my eyes, the feeling presses me in the blackness. When I go to sleep, my dreams do not betray my hidden desires. Every moment I walk and every second I breathe, my mind is on fire and no one and nothing can quench the burning longings. Every inch of me wants to bow down, wants to love, to embrace, to cry out and talk and hold and be there to fight for and to be loyal, to sacrifice, to put myself to death even without warrant. I can't explain any of it. All I know is how it is--why, I can't explain and don't pretend to. I cry out for answers. I wail to understand. I beg for it to end--such beauty and wonder is torture on the mind if in the mind it remains.

Is it love? I wouldn't know.

Why can't I forget her?
How come I ever had to meet her?
Why don't my feelings for her leave?
How come my prayers to forget her are left unanswered?
Why must my heart suffer for futile longing every time I see her?
How long must I go through this hostile and agonizing torture?
Why are her words, her laugh, her very eyes so deep and beautiful?
How come I feel this way about her?
Why won't this end?
How come my mind plays games with me?
Why do I reach out and long for someone I can never have?

I want to see her sitting across the table from me. I want to hold her hand, to feel the blood rushing through her veins. I don't want her to look away, but to look at me and smile. I want to hold her in the rain, under the thunder and lightning. I want to be free and untethered. I want to run wild like the stallion, and be as ferocious as the lion. I want to spend hours driving through the countryside with her by my side. I want all this. I want it simple. I want her.

But it seems I can't have all this; I can't have it simple; and what kills, I can't have her.

Maybe it is just me being a teenager. But after countless prayers and attempts to forget, I am left empty and hurt and thirsty for her. It should take months to get rid of her. But I've been trying for years. She never leaves me. Never leaves. Never.

Get Up and Walk

Get up and walk.

Afterward Jesus returned to Jerusalem for one of the Jewish holy days. Inside the city, near the Sheep Gate, was the pool of Bethesda, with five covered porches. One of the men lying there had been sick for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him and knew how long he had been ill, he asked him, “Would you like to get well?”
“I can’t sir,” the sick man said, “for I have no one to help me into the pool, when the water is stirred up. While I am trying to get there, someone else always gets in ahead of me.”
Jesus told him, “Stand up, pick up your sleeping mat, and walk!”
—John 5:1-8

What do you want? Really. If you were to stand before God, and if he were to tell you, “Tell me what you want—I’ll give you anything,” what would you say? Most of us probably wouldn’t have to think about it before our mouths opened.
Sounds like a dream come true, doesn’t it? You see, everyone has something they desire over anything, and it changes from person to person. You know what yours is. Something you desperately want, something you hunger and crave for. Something that seems impossible, out of your reach. Something you foam at the mouth for, yet you can only see with your eyes—or your imagination.
Maybe you are really wanting that guy or girl you’ve been spending more and more time with. Or maybe you just want to shed off all that fat. Perhaps you’re lonely and want some real friends. Maybe your desires are simpler. Get away from the hectic whirlwind called life and just spend some time in quiet peace. Others may dream of being the athletic star, or of becoming a famous musician. Maybe you even want to be a minister someday, and you want to start a church out in the backwoods. I don’t know. I know what I want. I know what I desire. You know what you want—so does God.
See how Jesus knew how long the man by the pool had been ill? See, now, how God knows your desires and dreams and aspirations? Your fears and discomforts? How he knows everything about you? And do you see how Jesus didn’t walk past the man; do you see how he cared? Do you see how Jesus didn’t just touch him and heal him, and then go on his ways; do you see how he loved? And tell me, do you see how Jesus looked him in the eye and said, “Would you like to get well?” Do you see how Jesus kneels down next to you and asks, “What is it you want? What you really want?”
What do you want? Maybe something impossible. Or seemingly impossible, anyways. Jesus knew what the man wanted; the man knew what he wanted. The man didn’t even answer, “yes” or “no.” He jumped right into excuses: “I am always late getting into the healing pool—I can’t get well!” His excuse echoes into ours. “I want this guy/girl, but I can’t stomach the nerve to make the move.” “It’s so much work to work off the fat, and it will take so long!” “I want new friends, God, but you don’t understand—I’m too shy!” “I can’t be a minister! I’m not a talker!” See how the excuses just swell for every one of us. You want something—and you’re being held back from it. What is your excuse?
God isn’t a big fan of excuses. Countless times in the Bible God ignores people’s excuses, or gets mad about them. How excuses over sin aren’t excuses at all. How there are no excuses for not doing good. Oh, and let us not forget Moses—“I’m not a talker!” What did God say? To sum it up, “Don’t worry. Stop crying. I’ve got things under control. I’ll even help you out by sending Aaron…” You have excuses—but God is not bound by excuses, as we often find ourselves bound. He isn’t captive.
The man by the pool gives his excuse. Does Jesus counter with an argument? No. He flat-out tells the man, “Get up and walk.” And the man gets up, and walks.
We all have dreams and aspirations and goals. We don’t think we can meet them. The chances are too slim, it’s too hard, you’re not made up of the ‘right stuff.’ God doesn’t care. Often he puts desires in our heart because we are meant for these desires. Desires define who we are. What kind of God would give us desires and refuse us to live them out? God doesn’t do that. He gives us desires and gives us the power to step up and grab them by the horns. We have the power. And if we think we don’t—if our lips open up in an excuse—God will tell us again, “Get up and walk.” Get off your butt and start working. He isn’t going to do everything for us. Want to lose weight? Start exercising and eating better. Want to be a famous musician? Practice! Want to be a backwoods minister? Overcome your fear and start living out your dreams. You have the power to do it. Moses didn’t think he had the power, but God gave it to him—and he freed the Israelites from slavery.
Get up and walk.

the 19th week

The cicadas are coming! Swarms in millions will invade for weeks. Some estimates put them at one million an acre: that's 500,000 in our backyard alone! Amanda's freaking out, but I'm bent over in excitement. Cicadas: come! Feel the ground shake as they rise!

Monday. I wrestled with Doogie before school, and then I worked 4-8:00. Kristen & Ashlie saw me in the I.G.A. parking lot as they drove by and shouted at the top of their lungs. After work I spent the rest of my night working on a history paper and watching Reno 911. Oh: I finally got my Dell XP desktop computer paid off!

Tuesday. Ally and Stephanie came over with Lee after school. They're working on a dinosaur project for some class and are utilizing my knowledge. Lee and I shot pool after they left. I had chicken and rice for supper. We had our Small Group here, it's a D-Group for guys. We talked about what it means to be a "real man": wild, risky, adventurous, passionate, a warrior! Mom's amazed at how much weight I've lost. Everyone is. I feel better, too. 

Wednesday. The custodians at school keep commenting on how much weight I've lost. My normal shirts from a few months back feel like pajama clothes. In Art Class I'm working on a pretty cool calligraphy on Jesus' words from the gospel of Matthew. I took Ashlie home after school; she's not allowed over until Grease, the play she's in, is over. Ally came over with Amanda. I went over to Lee's and we helped Debbie weed the backyard. Bryon played guitar upstairs and Dad worked on their upstairs bathroom while Lee and I cleared the back, working around the two islands and the deck. I returned home gritty and sweaty and showered, exercised, got ready for bed, and talked to God before falling asleep.

Thursday. I spent the morning doing my bible study on the back deck. The birds were singing and Doogie was running around and sniffing everything. I sat on the porch under the brilliant morning sun and the purple cloud-drifts. Amanda's still scared of the coming cicadas. I finished Wild at Heart, want to study it deeper sometime, bit-by-bit. At school Hagan told me, "Anthony, we need to talk more." I said, "I just talk when I need to. And observe." He replied, "I respect that. I respect privacy. That's what I was like in High School." We had a good-bye party for the cute Ukrainian girl, and Hagan wanted me in the picture. That was pretty weird. After work Pat D. and Lee came over, and we hung out and shot pool. We grabbed change from the change-basket and marched to 1/2 Price, Border's, Salvation Army & Kroger. I got a William Wallace book, a Mickey t-shirt (inside joke), and incense. Pat D. bought a Colorado t-shirt and a bookworm t-shirt, and incense. Lee just got incense. We got back and watched Office Space, a hilarious movie. Amanda and Mom went to the Grease play Ashlie's in. Kristen and Shelby are in it, too. I took Lee home and Pat D. was gone when I got back. Meditation tonight: God is no formula, he is a person, and he loves me, and I love him, and we are friends. "I love you, O LORD, my strength!"

Friday. We only have 11 more days of school until summer starts! And that includes exams! Last time this year I was watching TV with Chris and Lee, listening to the rain outside, wishing summer had come. It came last year, it will come this here: and with cicadas! I took Lee home after school and watched Under Siege, a Steven Segal film, with Chris, Pat D. and Hank. I headed home. Ashlie's mad I didn't go see her in Grease. 

Saturday. I worked 9-4:00, it was pretty easy. Cops were patrolling outside, there were all sorts of wrecks in the intersection of 741 and 73. Mom, Dad, Amanda and I went to Applebee's for dinner.

Sunday. I'm at 160 pounds right now; that's 40 pounds lost in two months! The cicadas aren't here yet, but I'm hopeful! The message from church: God will open himself up to us if only we pray. Erica and Bryon told me I'm the nicest person at church. Ashlie gave me a big hug, was shocked at how much weight I've lost. She nearly fainted when I told her how much. I guess Kristen was amazed, too; she felt my stomach, gasped in surprise. Kristen's hair was braided and she was very pretty. I went to North Park after church, alone, to just pray, inspired by the lesson today. Amanda, Ashlie and Kristen went out for lunch. I spent the rest of the afternoon writing: I've turned 36 Hours into 12 Hours, making it a short story instead of a novel. I think that's a good call. The kid goes insane in the end. I went to Student Revolution set-up. Megan H. and I hiked up to Dorothy Lane for Jones Sodas. The message was on Sex, Love & Relationships. Lots of people were crying, like Kristin, Ashlie, Tara, Jackie, even Amanda. Amanda thinks Mom thinks she hates her. She's lonely a lot. And she misses Megan. I told her to stand up, take a risk, stop crying, and trying to fix things. Amazingly, she did: she and Megan are good now. Hank and I chilled out in the gym for a while. Jeff, our youth minister, farted on Ashlie and she started crying. Corey's been kicked out of his house and is staying with his buddy Jason. Corey got a nose-ring, said it didn't heart. 

the 18th week

You may notice that two weeks are missing. I tried journaling a different way and subsequently lost my journal. It's quite a pity. Lots of things happened. Here's a quick recap of the highlights from the 16th and 17th weeks:

(1) Lee finally asked Amanda out. She said Yes.

(2) Spring Break!

(3) I asked Kristen to go to the movies. She said No.

(4) Amanda dumped Lee.

(5) I saw the movie Dawn of the Dead with Chris, Pat D. and Lee. Twice.

(6) I started a book I will not finish: 36 Hours.

And now: the 18th week. 

Colonel Lee!

Monday. I worked 4-8:00 and came home to a dinner of leftover broiled chicken and Raman noodles. I hung out with Chris. He's talking to Ally now. 'Bout time. Pat D. tried to smear my name with her for some reason, and she ended up being afraid of me; but now she thinks I'm hilarious and likes me. I worked on 36 Hours: I'm six hours in, 30 more to go. It's going to be a long, last book! Amanda says I've lost a lot of weight! Mrs. Graber chose me at school for her Gold Coin Recipient. One month and Junior Year is over!

Tuesday. Ashley D. was late for her bus so I gave her a ride to school. She looked so panicked on the corner! Ashlie and I traded lunches at school. She and Lee and Chris came over after. We grabbed some food from my workplace, beloved I.G.A., and Doogie ate an entire loaf of bread. He's a fiend! Chris tore open a cassette tape in the Jeep, threw it out the window; the tape unrolled and the deck almost hit the car behind us. He and Amanda frantically wound it back into the car. Mom fixed us tacos for dinner. Chris got hair in my meat and then farted on my food. I got angry and hurled a pair of binoculars at him, leaving a ghoulish bruise on his thigh. He screamed, seemed on the verge of tears. I also stomped on his toes. Ally told Chris that she wishes she could steal me from Amanda so I'd be her brother. Ashlie heard and shouted, "No! She sounds like me!" She almost vomited at my peeling, raw, bloodied feet; I scratched them to all but the bone because of a bad case of athlete's foot. Chris, Amanda and I drove around Springboro taking pictures and we filmed a funny video. I made a mad dash to Small Group, was half an hour late. I was having so much fun with everyone that I almost forgot! The lesson was on the miracles Jesus performed, his power and compassion. We also talked a lot about angels and demons. Al G. doesn't believe in them. Lee and I talked about starting a small group for guys on Thursday nights.

Wednesday. Lee and I went to 1/2 Price Books after school. A black guy in a tight shirt glared at us because we were in the religious section (he was perusing the witchcraft titles). I bought a Max Lucado anthology on Jesus' death and two movies: The Blair Witch Project and SE7EN. We went back to his place and hung out for a while, and he went to work and Chris was supposed to help move his sister Laura from her dorm room, but she never showed; so Debbie said he could come home with me, and we got McDonald's and watched the movie in the basement. The fast food made me feel sick to my stomach: so many chemicals, you never know what you're actually eating. Ron picked up Chris for his Small Group. I was left home alone and did lots of thinking. See, I applied to Cedarville University, and today Mom came in with my submission: "You're in." My dream university! I prayed to get into this school, knowing full well how difficult it would be. Kendall, who's brilliant, wasn't accepted. And Cedarville sent me an application, without me asking for it, something they hardly do, except for the "wanted" students. Inside was a letter offering me two scholarships and asking me to come to Cedarville. My dream university is asking me to attend. I can major in youth or pastoral studies, a minor in Bible, maybe psychology. A miracle? I have high ambitions. Daydreams. Desires of serving God in different ways, making my mark in the kingdom. I want to begin a house church, and I want to see it swell. I want to become a youth minister or a Senior Minister; and when I'm older, I want to start a worship gathering called Just Another Worship Gathering, and I want to meet deep in the woods, surrounded by creation, and not in a building, but a large canvas tent, and we'll sit on rocks as chairs and revel at the foot-stool of God. We'll even have a foot-stool! But above all I want to be like Jesus. I want to be changed. I want people to see me and be attracted to Jesus. I want to be an example. And I want to lead others to Jesus, I yearn to see the lost knee-deep in the golden springs of God! And it's as if God is paving the way.

Thursday. At school I told Ashlie all about Cedarville and she burst into song, was practically on the verge of tears. Lee and Ashlie came over after school and we threw knives into a poster in my room. We all chilled on the porch and Chris walked over. Amanda serenaded us all on guitar. Forsake Me Not is in trouble because drummer Hank isn't allowed to practice or perform at shows until he gets his grades up. Mom & Dad had their small group tonight, and Erika S. babysat. I wanted us to worship in our room, but no one else did, and everyone laughed but Lee & Amanda. So I crawled to my room and played a solo on my guitar to God. It made me happy, joyful. All of us went outside and we played baseball, lit a fire, had a huge stick fight, and Chris grabbed the hose and started spraying everybody. So I went to the willow tree and grabbed a whip and went to town on him, left welts on his legs. We were all soaked and hurting by the end. I drove Ashlie home and Debbie picked up Chris & Lee. I am blessed with great family, great friends, a great (future) education, a good job to make some money, and God is wonderful.

Friday. I worked 3-8:00 after school. We were hectically busy the entire time. I was the only bagger. My right foot is peeling off, my back aches, and I think all this non-stop exercise may be wearing my body down. I must take a break. Ashlie left her glasses at our house, so I ran them by her house after work. I went by the Williams' to see Chris & Lee. Lee was working but Chris was home, along with Pat D. and Bryon. Lee's dad is a policeman in Centerville, and he caught Luke buying marijuana! When Lee got home there was going to be a party, but since I had to be in 3-8:00 the next day, I went home early. Amanda heard some people at school talking about Forsake Me Not:

Girl: "Who is Forsake Me Not?"

Boy: "Forsake Me Not? They suck."

Girl 2: "What a bad name. Why can't bands have good names anymore?"

Boy: "They suck sooo bad. They're never going to make it."

Girl: "Do they go to this school?"

Boy: "They're all high schoolers." (but Chris, guitarist and singer, isn't)

Girl 2: "Are they hot?"

Girl 3: "No way."

Saturday. I called off work this morning: my feet are bleeding. Aunt Teri & Grandma rolled in around 2:30 A.M. last night. I was asleep and Doogie greeted them. Grandma & I had breakfast at McDonald's, and then we went to K-Mart, Wal-Mart, and Best Buy. I bought a really cool game: Medieval: Total War. It's like Shogun, only better. At 3:00 I picked up Chris, Lee, and Ashlie. We hung out at my place for a bit and then we picked up Pat D. We hung out for most of the evening. Chris & Ashlie walked home, and Pat D., Lee and I went to China Village for dinner. A Chinese woman hovered the whole time, staring us down for at least two minutes straight without looking away as we ate. She finally left, and I said, "I thought she'd never leave." Then she CAME BACK and did the same thing, only longer this time. I couldn't handle it and broke into laughed, blamed it on Lee when she leapt forward to ask what was funny, and the three of us laughed for a solid five minutes straight, hard and choking and gut-wrenching laughs. Mom came into the store and yelled at us for leaving the house. When we were done eating the Chinese woman boxed up our food. We were getting ready to go and she came hurrying towards us. We were uncomfortable and quickly scurried out, forgetting our boxed food! She came out of the restaurant with our boxes and stood there in the entryway as we jetted out of the plaza. We went to Deal's to calm down, and then we went back to their place. Lee & Ashlie spent the night, and we sat downstairs and reminisced on the past: how everyone at church used to make fun of me, how I had no friends, how I was depressed, how we weren't friends and how Amanda didn't like me, how my only friends were Zach and Andrew, and how Andrew back-stabbed me. We talked about how Amanda used to make fun of Ashlie, and Lee made fun of me. And now we're all awesome friends. Chris, Lee, Pat D. and I happened to go to SIGNS together one day long ago, and a friendship blossomed. We talked about how Lee used to smoke pot all the time and get drunk at parties, but he's different now, "mellowed-out", so-to-speak.

Mother's Day. Aunt Teri & Grandma came with us to church, and they were shocked at the Metallica-like worship and thundering dancing. We ate out at Marion's Piazza for Mother's Day, ate out on the patio. Amanda and I got Mom jewelry and brownies. We went to 1/2 Price after and Grandma loaded up. Aunt Teri randomly gave both of us $20. I bought two awesome books on ancient warfare. Aunt Teri & Grandma headed back to Kentucky, and I went to Student Revolution (a.k.a. Rev) set-up. I talked to Chad about my Cedarville University plans and majoring in pastoral studies or youth ministry. Lee was there, too. He wants to be a youth minister, too. Chad is a sponsor, he thought my plan was awesome. Well. I'm tired. School's tomorrow. And I have to go to town with this athlete's foot medicine. It's a spray, somehow feels both painful and pleasurable at the same time. A teasing stinging of sorts. It's so weird, as am I. Good night.

"Where is God when troubles come?"

I think they spiked my McDonald's chicken sandwich--I need to go to sleep. Thought I might throw this up first. It is something I wrote a few weeks back that I found in my desk drawer. Any questions, comments, possible concerns?

Where is God when troubles come?

“How long, O Lord, must I call for help?”
People have this cozy little idea that if you’re a Christian, then life is perfect. They’re wrong. Jesus never said he’d take away all our problems and troubles; in fact, while we hail him as the Prince of Peace, he readily admitted, “Do you think I have come to bring peace to the earth? No, I have come to bring strife and division! From now on families will be split apart, three in favor of me, and two against… There will be a division between father and son, mother and daughter, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.” Atheists often think that Christianity is an escape-route for those too wimpy to face a hard life; it’s the other way around! Don’t be fooled; when you accept Jesus into your life, evil forces against Jesus then turn against you, work against you, do everything they can to pull you away from God. And—here we go—troubles are born.
Everyone experiences troubles. Christians seem to get the dirty end of the stick a lot. But while their worlds are turned upside-down, Christians possess a fiery joy that unbelievers can’t explain. That joy is knowing God is with us. There are no ‘fun’ times of trouble; it’s nerve-wracking, heart breaking, painful—sometimes excruciatingly painful. Troubles can range from anywhere to being punished for someone else’s mistake, to being hit by a drunk driver; it can be as painful as your little baby nephew dying in the hospital room for no apparent reason. The list goes on and on, some seemingly more drastic than others. If you’re looking for an escape-hatch, some impervious way to get away from all the trouble, you’ll be looking for a while, but you’ll never find one! Satan is never done fighting against our souls here on earth, not until we die. From birth to death, all Christians are hated by Satan and fought against.
A while back I made the mistake of accusing God for my problems, blaming him for a series of events that seriously rattled my character. This period—I deem it the “dark period” of my life—was dotted with tears, heartbreak, sorrow, and even contemplations of suicide. I was a newcomer to Christ, and almost immediately Satan got to work. For about half a year I struggled, fought, had my battles; some I won, others I lost. My world was turned upside-down. And I always accused God for what was happening; I didn’t realize it at the time, but Satan was pulling me away from God. His little trap was working. But then I picked up my Bible and started reading Job…
Job is a book about when life stinks. Seriously. It’s not about rampant sin, or the justice of God, but more so attacks the ever-present question, “Where are you, God, when my life bites?” Job was a righteous man, a devoted follower of God; God blessed him with land, a prosperous farm, wealth, several children and a loving wife. Satan comes along, and tells God that Job can be broken; so God says, “All right, do what you want to him, just don’t kill him,” knowing Job would never turn away. Almost immediately it seemed God had turned his back on Job—his land became worthless, all his livestock died, his house burnt to the ground, he lost all his money, and all his kids were killed. He was stricken with disease, his body ravaged to the brink of death—but he was not killed. His wife became bitter towards him, and his friends abandoned him, falsely accusing him to his face. Job literally had no one left; and he complained to God. He wanted to know why everything had changed; he was so wracked with pain, he begged God to take his own life. He wanted to know, “Why me? Why don’t you stop what’s happening to me? Why aren’t you helping?” This hit home—these were the same questions I was asking, except I was blaming God for it all—“…Job did not sin by blaming God.”
Why me?
Why don’t you stop what’s happening to me?
What are the answers?

Why Me?
We’re all guilty of feeling like we’ve got the dirty end of the stick, and we’ve all felt it more than once. Again, everyone experiences troubles, and chances are, the troubles you’re going through aren’t too different than the ones everyone else goes through. When life flat-out sucks, we demand to know why it’s us who are being beaten by life! Why are we the ones who have to suffer? Well, let me ask you this: why not you? What have you done to gain superior status over everyone else? There are five major reasons troubles pop into our lives, three reasons why it is us:
1. Random trouble—perhaps a disease is spreading, you catch the disease, and you’re bed-stricken and you miss the Ohio State-Michigan game on TV. You want to know why you had to listen to the game on the radio while belching into a trash can, and all your friends went to the football game and won a thousand dollars by sitting in the right seat (tough chance). In this case, there may not be any real reason for you getting sick. The disease is spreading, you caught it just because you were there when it swept by. Random troubles can be as small as a burning cold or as large as a friend’s mom dying from cancer, or your boyfriend leaving you because he spots another girl he likes better. But while it’s random, it doesn’t mean God doesn’t care—he does care; more on this in a second.
2. Attention Grabber—“But by means of their suffering, [God] rescues those who suffer. For he gets their attention through adversity.” When we want to get someone’s attention, we don’t whisper; we YELL! In the same way, God “yells” at us to get our attention. For what purpose he has for getting our undivided attention varies from person to person, but a common theme is to shout, “Hey! Look! Why did you turn so evil so fast? I want you back, I want you back now. But it’s your decision.” And he uses suffering to get our attention. “Turn back from evil, for it was to prevent you from getting into a life of evil that God sent this suffering.”
3. Discipline—“As you endure… discipline, remember that God is treating you as his own children. Whoever heard of a child who was never disciplined? If God doesn’t discipline you as he does all his children, it means you are illegitimate and are not really his children at all.” Would a loving father let his kid get away with stealing the car and not discipline him at all? No. In the same way, when we sin, a lot of times God will send stuff our way to teach us a lesson. It is in this way that God is trying to draw us closer to him—he wants to show us what we did wrong, and to convince us not to do it again! God cares enough about us to send us trouble to teach us a lesson that very well may ring in eternity.
4. Troubles from decisions—if you go and get drunk then get behind the wheel of a car, wreck your car through an intersection, killing the other driver, you’ve brought the troubles of being paralyzed, convicted of manslaughter and the possibility of a ruined life all on yourself. In this form of trouble, it is our own decisions that bring the troubles that dot our lives. If you have unprotected premarital sex, and contract HIV or other STDs, whose fault is it? It’s important to remember that while it’s our own fault, God still cares.
5. Troubles from Satan—as mentioned, Satan—the direct enemy of God—wants to turn us from God, wants to rip us from Jesus. He will pound us with troubles to try and shatter our faith. A lot of times these troubles come in the form of temptation to sin. God understands, for even Jesus went through temptation!

But no matter what the trouble, God cares. “…it is wrong to say God doesn’t listen, to say the Almighty isn’t concerned. And it is even more false to say he doesn’t see what is going on. He will bring about justice if you will only wait.” God:
1) Listens
2) Cares (is concerned)
3) Knows what’s going on
4) Will make everything work out for good!

It is easy to think that because God doesn’t answer prayers, he isn’t listening. However, he does listen. It’s wrong to think he doesn’t care what we’re going through, because he does. It’s a lie to believe he isn’t aware of all the facts (maybe you aren’t?), because—above all else—he understands the problem at hand! And God has the beautiful touch of making things work out for good in the end. When God is on our side, things somehow work out for the best in the end—we just have to have patience and wait.

Why doesn’t God stop what’s happening to me?
On June 6, 1944, Allied forces invaded Normandy. Landing Craft flung up against the shore and unloaded soldiers onto the beaches; several of the boats were blown apart or sunk by enemy planes or German machinegun fire. The allies were pinned down by continuous gunfire; friends watched as their friends were slaughtered by the bullets crisscrossing the sky, plinking into the sand, pinging off the steel twists called hedgehogs. It was deemed the Longest Day by both the Allies and the Axis; hundreds upon hundreds of men were killed, not just on the beaches but as the men pressed inward. The horrors replay in the minds of the survivors. One of the survivors was a chaplain by the name of Burkhalter; he was in the first wave against the beaches, and saw many of his comrades killed; he believes his escape was a sheer miracle. On that beach, under the gunfire of the German Army, Burkhalter was pinned down, and he made his way forward, Bible in his pocket and M1 in his hands. Some say war can shatter a man’s faith in God; but Burkhalter reminisces, “Yes, there were a lot of miracles on the beach that day. God was on the beach D-Day…”
How is it, that in the chaos of war and bloodshed, maybe the greatest of troubles, that one can find God? A couple months ago I went searching in my heart for some answers—this search led me to the realization that God is more awesome than I know. And because of that “dark moment of the soul,” I became aware of how God uses trouble in our lives. Troubles bring us closer to God; they force us to lean completely on him. They are God’s tools for drawing us into a deeper relationship with him. Just as Burkhalter grew closer to God on the Normandy beaches, on the Longest Day, so I grew closer to God as I leaned on him for everything in my own times of need.
Why doesn’t God stop the troubles that pain us if he loves us so much?
Because troubles draw us close to him, and that’s where we need to be!
Troubles also help to conform our character to be like Jesus.
No matter what troubles are in your life—whether a crumbling boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, or struggling with a certain sin, or bearing the coming—or already came—death of a loved one, God is there with you. Just as he was on the beaches when the Allies landed, so he is with you in your day-to-day life. Don’t give up on God; pray, tell him how you feel, know he cares, know he understands, and be patient. And remember: sometimes our troubles aren’t really troubles at all; what a loss it was for Jesus to die on the cross, but how the disciples’ mind-sets changed when their Savior was walking down the street, resurrected from the dead! God can—and will—work through our troubles, if we only keep following him and don’t give up.
Want to get serious with understanding problems? Read the book of Job or Habakkuk.

Troubles are certain. We all go through them, and they won’t end till we meet Jesus face-to-face in the Kingdom of Heaven. How we approach the un-stoppable problems is completely up to us!
1. Everyone faces troubles constantly: you are not alone
2. Don’t blame God for your problems
3. Remember there are five major reasons for trouble: I) Random trouble, II) Attention Grabber, III) Discipline, IV) troubles we bring on ourselves, V) troubles from Satan
4. God listens, God cares, God understands, and God will work things out for good.
5. God is there with us through the worst of situations
6. God can use troubles to draw us closer to Him
7. “Can anything separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if he have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted or are hungry or cold or in danger or threatened with death?…No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can’t, and life can’t. The angels can’t, and the demons can’t. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can’t keep God’s love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God, that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”